The beginning of the end?

I pushed it. Now he's gone for the day and I won't see him till later tonight, if he's home that is. Last night he came home at 830 with some food and chocolate but he was still cold. I saw down at the table and had a tea and he sat there with me. I guess that's his way of trying to connect. Either that or pretending he's trying. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I said yes but we didn't have to, but he said yes. We watched Walk the Line but weren't very close. I held his hand a few times but he kept moving about. Then we went to bed. He was asleep almost instantly so I cuddled him but I doubt he knew I was there. In the morning, we faced each other. His face is lovely. He was getting up fairly early, early for him anyway, to help Gordo move some things to his parents house so he went and had a shower and I started to cry. He hasn't touched me in forever. It was all me initiating it last night but he didn't do it back. All I want is for him to kiss me and hug me like we used to do it. Just before he left this morning he hugged me but it was just because I was crying and upset. After his shower he came up and said in a monotone voice that he was going. I said "can I ask you something before you go? Why don't you touch me anymore?" He said nothing. I continued to cry and he just stood there. I said it feels like it's all my fault and he said it's not my fault. Then I stupidly said if he's not going to say anything he's free to go. Then he went downstairs and I followed, asking him if he was coming back before work today. He said no. When he was leaving, he hugged me and I asked if he's going to try. He didn't reply. I said that's the saddest thing ever if he's not going to try. Then he left and I watched him go once again. I miss yesterday, when he was actually comforting me, hugging me like he still felt something for me. He kissed me then. I miss that. I miss him. I miss us. I can't lose him. I can't. I'm too old for this. We were meant to be set for life together. What will people think!? I know that's totally not the point but I don't want people to know. I told Jessi but that's all. Gordo knows, but that's all. I can't do this. He doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care that I'm upset and crying. He's immune. He has been for the last 3 years. The first time I cried in our relationship he was so worried for me and comforted me. That doesn't happen anymore. He didn't even try last night with dinner. He said he would get us a nice dinner. I thought that would be the turning point. I was going to try with all my being last night but he shut that down when he didn't come home. Yesterday I thought we'd have weeks to figure this out. I'm not sure we'll last that long. I don't know what to do except cry. I have all this homework to do and places to go today and work this evening. This is fucked. He's left me all alone again and he doesn't care one bit. He's not going to try! I can feel it. We're never going to get back to being happy when we have this hanging over our heads. I think he's given up already and is just giving me time to get used to it. I can't do this anymore. I never thought I'd be upset like this again. He said yesterday he isn't going to make a rash decision, like it's all up to him. What do I do? This has come at the worst time. He just left me like this today. How could he? He's left me all upset like he's not in it anymore. I feel like it's already over. Please let it get better! How can it? I don't think it will. It has to get better. I has to. It has to. I won't survive this. This isn't an adolescent break up. This is the rest of my life he's throwing away. I have already seen our lives together and they don't stop here, now. They can't. We have to be together for the rest of our lives. That's the plan. That's what I want. I want him to come home and I want to be like normal, the good normal. I want to laugh with him and for him to touch me. He hasn't touched me in ages though. What am I going to do? I'm in the middle of Uni and I have my assignments to finish. He's my life blood. This can't be happening. It can't.