Uncertain

I'm very uncertain about where things with Glenn will end up. At the moment I can't see a future because he made me realise I don't know him all that well and that my opinions of him now might be wrong. That's making me think that we'll just get to know each other more and it won't get any more serious than that, which, in turn, is making me think that it'd be a mistake to move back to Hobart. You can't know these things though. I said to him that it's not that I haven't been treated well in the past, just that it could have been better. I said I was looking and hoping for someone like him and that he's better than what I imagined and told him a few things I like about him, being that he's open and we can really talk about things and that he's charming and he makes me feel special and worthwhile and happy. He said 'wow, Anna you are extremely special and worthwhile, even if we weren't together you should already know that... i'm glad that i make you happy... don't put me on too a high pedastal, you might be completely wrong, apart from the charming bit... science fact, :)' Upon reflection this does seem like I'm expecting him to be someone he might not be so now I'm worried. I hate that we have to either decide to be together or not because of the distance, that we can't just cruise along while in the same place. It'll place pressure on us to work and now I'm imagining the possibility that it won't and that it could be a mistake for me to move back as I doubt he'd move here. I'm worried. I guess until I know him more no decisions will be made. I can see myself moving back there and us being together, then one option being that we don't work out, me grieving, then moving to the UK. I think I'd be fine with that but would it be a mistake to move and give up what I have here? I'd regret not seeing our relationship through so now I'm stuck. We don't have to decide anything until the end of the year. With Yorick I felt like we were really connected. Glenn and I are totally our own persons, which is great, but I don't feel like we're a team just yet. I still find it weird that we're together because we did meet briefly and I thought of him in a certain way, or he was in a certain friend box. I'm not good at explaining things. He knows who he is. I know who I am but I'm still shy about things and unsure of my worth. At the moment I'm very apprehensive about our future. The only way to see is keep going as we are until the end of the year, see if we fall in love, or want to make some sacrifices to be with the other. I guess that's our path. I wonder if there is really a side of him that I wouldn't like. He might just be too Leo for my liking, despite being a Taurus. I can sense that is a possibility. Time will tell. We need to spend more time together. Sigh.

Presents, jobs, and Jantz

Mothers Day.
Send mum the Marie Antoinette DVD and a card. Possibly another movie.

Dads' birthday.
Buy him some of the balsa wood bird broaches from Harem Fashion on Brunswick Street.

Mums' birthday.
I'm sure I'll find some lovely things on Brunswick Street.

James' birthday.
I saw this cute magnifine necklace in an op shop on Brunswick Street so I might get that for my brother. Something random for someone random :D He's turning 26 this year. I can't believe it! It seems oldish but then again he has a wife and daughter and that makes his seem young, which he is. I'm only 24 so for me to be 26 seems much older, which it is. Hmm.

I need to start using my to-do list pad that I bought. I really need to write Andi a letter, get my Working With Children certificate sorted [all I need to do is go and get the photo taken but I keep forgetting or putting it off], and get some of these presents sorted, James' especially as his birthday is on the 22nd and I'll need to send it in advanced. I need to get his new house address so I can send it there. Maybe I'll ask mum and dad so it can be a surprise.

Last night I saw Sucker Punch at the movies and it was fantastic! I want to get more out of life because of it and do everything I want to do in life, all the classed [dance, self-defence/combat/weapon fighting, photography, archaeology!!], the travelling, family, kids, living in the UK and NZ. So much to do.

On another note, I wrote this in a Twitter post not too long ago --

Had another YHF dream last night. I don't hate him, it's just I'd rather not think of him. We were together for 4+ years so I suppose it's expected. I did love him after all. It's not easy to remove a part of yourself and I'm not sure why you would want to. It was important but it didn't work out. He's still a nice guy underneath it all. I think we can be friends again. In a way we still are. Maybe I should text him. Maybe not. It's weird. Now I'm a bit sad. Life so different. I thought I was set. I'm glad I get to do what I really want to in life despite it all and there's plenty of that. More time needs to pass and I need to sort out my life before we revisit our friendship. One day it would be nice to really be friends but I'm not sure it's possible. I'm not good at that sort of thing. I'll always feel uneasy around him. It's just a fact. I've never had a male friend as I was always too shy and it has left me undeveloped in that area. When I'm in a relationship it's completely different and I'm at ease. Maybe we can be like that one day. Fingers crossed.

It's nice being so far away from him and not being able to access his Facebook account through my sister's. I asked her to delete him from hers as I did that a while ago, but I liked being able to see what he was up to. I don't actually like what he's up to, the partying, the sexual content of his posts, the tranny party photos. It's stupid and he should just grow up. He's being such an idiot and I think everyone agrees with me. Whatever. That's why I love using Twitter now for my status updates at least. Barely anyone reads them so it's more like blogging and I can saw what I want when I want and no one will know. Some people read it but it's nice that it's less read and only people who want to read it will. I like that he's not in my life anymore. I like that I'm here in Melbourne. It's better this way.

I'm booked in for the Greenhouse backpackers for Sunday for at least a week. Tomorrow I must call Centrelink and let them know where I'll be moving to and what amount of 'rent' I'll be paying so I can get the rent assistance. I almost forgot so I'll have to set a reminder on my phone. I'm so exited to get my independence back. It's going to be lovely, but also not lovely in a different way. I am too comfortable here at Kirsten's and I've been here too long. Must go shopping on Saturday afternoon for their presents.

That reminds me! I have a job trial at The Mess Hall on Saturday at 10am! I'm psyched. I hope it goes great and I get a job out of it. It'd be a lifesaver. Then I can buy myself a new laptop!! Officeworks have some great priced ones. I just need to look up RAM and CPU stuff so I know what I'm looking for as sometimes they are too small or something. It's like MG and GB. I am useless with those terms. I have no idea how much they mean. Ahh. Although I'm getting better with those I must say.

After working at the Mission today doing more cataloging, us girls went for a drink at Bertha Browns next to the YHA. We shared a bottle of Jantz and I'm still a little tipsy! It's lovely. I like the bubbly happiness. For me it's the best drunk/tipsy there is. I'm such a fan. I hate sickly/spinning drinks like vodka. I like happiness thanks! Daquiri! Yum. So now I'm back at Kirsten's and I might watch another movie. I watched Igor last night. I bought it from JBHifi along with two others. I might watch another tonight. I'm not in a very study mode, although tomorrow I have to go out to Uni and study and return one of the books I borrowed! Must get the Children's check photo taken at a post office. Must also write Andi the letter! Must get James his present too. I hope I remember all of this. I'll refer to this post if I need to.

Thinking of home but knowing I'm right where I belong

Today I have been thinking about home a lot. I miss it, as I've said before, but when it comes down to it, I do love being here and doing this for myself after being freed from my 4+ year relationship, and I wouldn't rather being back home. I am here for a purpose, and I will get home from time to time but I belong here. I'm not sure how long I can stay away from home, as in over 1 year, but I'll need to get work, hopefully in the museum/heritage industry, and I believe that will mean staying here or going elsewhere, just not back to Hobart. I need to spread my wings and that's exactly what I'm doing. I just wish I had a partner to help me and be by my side while I do this. It would make everything more fun and easier. Oh how I wish I will find my perfect match here in Melbourne. The chances are greater at any rate.

So basically, I miss home a little but I'm not feeling extremely upset because I know I'm meant to be here and I've been waiting for this for 8 months. It's finally here and it feels right. It's just weird thinking about Hobart far, far away, as a place I know so well but am not in. I'm not explaining this very well but it both feels right and weird to be here and not home. I wouldn't go back to stay in Hobart, not for a few years anyway, but a visit will be nice. I might head back between May and June for dad and mums birthdays. Got to get settled here, get a job, then work for a while before taking off for how many ever days to a week. It wouldn't leave a good impression to my new boss[es]. I will have to look into bookstores. I don't want to work in hospitality but have the skills so it would be super easy to get a job. Depends where I'm living too. Work close to home is best. Time will tell. I want people to write back to me about these places! Better check my email.

I had a long chat to Sarah this evening. It was nice just talking to her although I wished I could have been in her new room with her. Another time. I'm staying here for a few months at least before I make a trip. Sad. Today is Megan and Joe's wedding day! They are now officially Mr. and Mrs. Pasanen. How lovely. I'm sad I didn't get to see it but photos will be fine.

Another good week ahead I believe! Monday is full Uni lectures, then Tuesday is full museum visits. I sure am looking forward to it all. Hopefully we'll discuss the assignments. As long as I get them sorted, the readings can come second. I just need more information from the lecturer, that's all. Right. More study and some TV I think, maybe Easy A again for a bit of a laugh.

Oh, not tomorrow but next Monday, Kirsten and I are going to see the last Girl With a Dragon Tattoo movie! I'm so excited. Mum, dad and I saw the first one together after some dinner at La Porchetta, then mum and I went and saw the second one. I'm sad I won't be doing this with mum but we'll do something similar another time, perhaps when she and dad visit. That will be nice. I can't wait to have my own room!!! EEEEE!

Dreaming

The last two nights I've had dreams about Yorick. It's nothing to do with getting back together or anything like that, but it's more about who I think he is now and his attitude creeping into my dreams. I don't like who I think he is now, who I hear he is from people like Holly and Sophie who see him and tell me the gossip. I don't like that he's in my dreams. I remember that after Jeremy, for a while I was interested in what he was up to but over time that faded to the point where I almost forgot he existed. I can't wait for that to happen with Yorick. I don't want to think about him and spy on him through my sister's Facebook account. I'm just glad we haven't had contact since 1.1.11 so I can't make a fool out of myself in front of him. I can't help but spy on him and love the gossip but hopefully that will pass.

Where is my lover

I'm watching the Valentines Day episode of One Tree Hill and it's making me cry because I have no one to love me, no boyfriend, and that's what I want so badly. I want to be loved and I want a companion. I want to have someone to come home to, to look forward to seeing everyday. I miss that. This episode has made me think of Yorick. I miss the fun we had together. I miss the holidays to New Zealand and Vanuatu. I keep thinking about the early days. I can't wait to have that again with someone who's actually right for me. Until then I'll be waiting.

Backpackers and flights

I can't believe it's almost 9 months since Yorick and I broke up. Holly shared some gossip with my yesterday and basically he's an old man, wearing hoodies and slouching with scraggly hair. What a mess. I'm glad I'm out of that. I am graceful and free after all! He he he.

I started looking at flights from Hobart to Melbourne today and it'll roughly cost me $100 to get there. I might also stay at the YHA Hostel for a week and see how I go with finding a house. Mum said it'd be better to stay somewhere like that instead of imposing on my friends. I would feel awkward, I know it, and like I'm in the way. This is probably better. I'll be keeping myself busy by looking at places to live [I will set up some share-house viewings to go to when I get there] and going to museums to get into some volunteering. The following week I'll start Orientation Week at Deakin, then the week after that my first class starts! Eek! I hope it all works out and that finding a place to live doesn't take too long. I hope I can make some wonderful flat-mate friends. That would be great. I'm really looking forward to Uni. I can't wait to start classes in a new school. Yay!

It's almost Sydney time!

Well, I just booked 4 nights at Maze Backpacker's on Pitt Street in Sydney. I don't know how long I'll be there as in I might have to stay for a whole week before finding a place, fingers crossed it won't take too long, so 4 nights feels safe. And it's the cheapest I've found -- $26 per night in a female only dorm. I'm excited about that. It'll be nice to try and new backpacker's and find different routes around the city streets. That'll be fun.

Saturday night I'm meeting up with Annie from thebeach and we along with her boyfriend Seb are going to go to the Ice Bar! I just red up on it and they supply coats and gloves and you get a free vodka martini first up. It didn't say how much it all costs but it'll be okay. Yorick and I almost went to one in NZ so it'll be nice to see what we missed.

On Saturday morning I'm hoping there will be new houses I can go and check out and apply for. I need to scan some things in as on the applications I've started for houses online at the very end they get you to attach some documents like your passport or drivers licence or birth certificate. I might do some of that before I head off as I won't have another chance. I'll probably need it. I hope it doesn't take too long for me to get a place. I know I want my own place, and being there to actually inspect the apartments will make a huge difference, so if I get my own place and it's not so great I might not have to be too picky. As long as I can have my own place... I need to get a job straight away soon. And Centrelink. I have to try and swap over from the diploma to the certificate in case I don't get into USYD so I can transfer up. So much to do!

I have started laying out on my bed what I want to take with me. I'm starting with the clothes as that's the easy part. I have a box of things I want to take with me but I also want to take my cutlery and a few pots/pans and kitchen things. I have to make sure it doesn't weigh too much. I didn't have to pay for the flights though so if it does go over weight I'll be paying and it'll definitely be cheaper than a flight so I don't mind. There are two bigger suitcases to choose from and I'll take the little carry-on one I take on short trips. Dad said I can take my laptop in a case and it'll be classed as carry-on but I'd rather not have to carry it ... I only just thought of that.

I'm really looking forward to being in Sydney again. It's ages since I was last there. That was in September. Yonks ago! I love the feel of it and I hope the sense of adventure will help me make the transition.

Horoscopes and love and plans

If you are looking for instant gratification in a relationship, Scorpio, forget it. It's rare that two people meet and are instantly in sync in every way. The best friendships and romances take time, and they are certainly worth the effort. If you haven't yet found the one you are looking for, it may be because you believe you are owed that immediate spark. Or, if you ware involved in a relationship that is progressing slowly, please don't rush it. If you can be patient and forgiving, you will find that it was worth the wait.

I always thought that when I'd meet the guy I was to eventually marry that I'd know instantly, like Sometimes Sweet, but maybe that is rare and maybe it's not how it'll work out for me. It hasn't been like that in the past with the relationships I've been in but that's because they weren't the one. I do believe that the names of the people we choose are similar to the one we will end up with. The three relationships I've been in have all had similar name lengths and a common letter and I think that might mean I'll end up with a similar named guy. That's just my theory. Jeremy, for example, went out with me, Anna, a girl called Ang, and is now with a girl called Hannah. Similar! I like the patterns I see in relationship matches.

I forgot to put love on my list of wants. I want to find love and settle down as well as study, travel and have my own house. Love is the key to my ultimate happiness and it's hard being single right now but it's for the best. I have to be strong and independent and make sure I'm ready for the next one, the right one. Holly and I have been messaging and she said it's just a bit of panic and that I don't have to go on the day I thought I would so I have time to decide what to do. She said I can always move to Melbourne if Sydney doesn't work out. I think Sydney will work out though. It's a better city in my eyes and making it there would be greater than doing the same in Melbourne. It wouldn't feel as great in Melbourne. I don't like the city and it would feel like I'm following everyone else. It's a standard thing moving to Melbourne, no offence to my lovely friends who are living there or going to live there. It's just not for me. I believe I could make it work in Sydney. It's just sad that I might not get into the Uni there. There's still time.

Don't feel guilty

It was best I didn't talk to Yorick. I don't like/approve of what he's doing [partying too much] and talking to him on NYE 2010 would have put me off balance too. It was best that way. I have to stop feeling guilty about it. I'm the mature responsible one and he's acting like he's 15 despite being almost 25. He's in my past now and I need to stick with that. The whole thing is so strange, not having him by my side when he was for 4 and a bit years. Mostly it's great but it's like there's a shadow of a ghost there. It's not always present but sometimes I think about how much has changed in these 7 months we've been apart. It's all very strange. I am definitely better off without him, despite thinking otherwise when all of this began.

A splendid afternoon with Holly

This afternoon was fantastic! I got to Holly's for around 3pm and we chatted for 2 hours, had cups of tea, and a great old time. We haven't caught up in a while so it was really nice touching base and hearing all the gossip, especially since I got some of it on NYE 2010. To start off with the juicy stuff, apparently Yorick was put a little off balance after seeing me on NYE as he wasn't expecting me to be there. Things got a bit strange on the boat as there were gatecrashers but Ruben sorted things out and a few days later, Ruben went over to see Yorick and talk to him about how things went on NYE because his 6 years younger than him girlfriend invited these gatecrasher. I think it's funny. Apparently she, aka Ebony, is more screwed up than he is and, as Holly put it, he might be heading towards his spilt milk reaction. I love Holly's insight into life. In other gossip, rather news, we found the ideal tattoo 'font' for my surname! It's braille. We were discussing my latest desperate attempt [the bar-code] when Holly came up with the idea of braille. It looks cool too. Mysterious. In the picture below I think I'll go for the one without the tinier reference dots. I'm not sold on having them there. Maybe in a light grey if they were on the tattoo. So I can now book an appointment! Both Holly and Emma are going to come with me. I'm super excited.

We also looked at studio apartments for me in Sydney! Holly got onto the Domain website and there are some apartment/units there that I hadn't seen on the site I was looking at. Some with their own bathrooms for a start and still around the price I was looking for. I think I'll find a great little place. I also decided that I won't compromise my dreams by living in a share house as I think in most areas it would make me unhappy and regret the decision so I'll stick to finding my own place, probably in Newtown. I love that I'm dealing with this issue more because now I'm happy and will enjoy living with not much furniture because it'll be all mine. That is my wish.

Another spot on horoscope for January 6.

If you haven't done so yet, Scorpio, let go of any regrets you carried into 2011. There is no place for them here. This is to be a dynamic year with a lot of positive change, much of it centered around your own personal evolution. If you drag old wounds or mistakes into what should be a positive and progressive time of transformation, you will only slow down this marvelous process of reinventing yourself. Not that there is anything wrong with the old you ... there is NOT. But you now have the chance to add greater dimension to what is already a great work of art: YOU!

I have been carrying regret about my recent contact with Yorick into 2011 and have struggled to let it go. Ebony got to me a bit, and not asking how Yorick was going made me feel guilty, but it's in the past. He made his own decisions about his life and me not liking it has got nothing to do with anything. I have to let it go. I don't need to feel guitly. I know this year is going to be a great year for reinventing myself, a process which has already begun, and if it is to be as great as I hope it will be then I have to stop thinking about him. It's in my past, especially since we're in a new year, and I have moved on but not so completely that I don't ever think of him and wonder what he's up to these days. I am curious but I have to let it go. This is my year to shine. Here's to new beginnings.

Sydney, Holly, Sydney

I didn't get an offer today, unless I missed it. I wasn't truly expecting to hear back today but would have loved if I did. It sucks because I can't make plans and this whole thing is being drawn out so much. It makes me dislike the Uni a bit. Making people wait this long is mean, especially since classes start a month after I/we might find out on the 19th. As long as I get in I'll be happy. Once I find out I have to book flights to Sydney straight away for the in-person enrollment. That week will go by pretty quickly and be rather eventful. Hopefully I'll be over there for Australia Day so I can meet up with Annie [I'm sad she's not still working at thebeach]. It's already the 5th of January so I have around 15 days to sort out what I want to take with me when I move and there is a lot to sort through.

I hope I can find my own place. I'm still not sold on living with people other than a partner but will do it if I have to. Paying bond all by myself [around $1000] would wipe out most of my savings for this move and unless I get Centrelink straight away that might be a bad idea. I am actually getting more shifts at work, especially this week, so I'll be able to put more away. I haven't put any away this week because I only got paid around $200-250 which is nothing and it doesn't go that far. I hate money sometimes. By the time I head off, I might have saved $2000, and I stress might. I have $1500 now, $1000 could go towards bond and $300 towards a bed so that isn't much left, unless I save another $500 now. I'd need to go shopping for supplies once I have a house and rent and pay for the airfares [unless I get the free tickets from my aunts who had to change their plans when they couldn't fly out of the UK for Christmas] but I might be doing the home-stay thing before I find a house or move in with Kirsten's Katie. Moving in with Katie and her friend would be a lot cheaper but it's not my dream, unless we each got our own floor, or at least own bathroom and a big room. Drat.

I'm going to visit Holly today. I am so excited about that. We haven't had a proper catch up in a while. I miss her perspective and conversation. She helped me so much during my break up with Yorick and I love her wisdom. I am so glad to have met her. The Lordy boys were good for one thing after all. After that I have work. I am super sick of hospitality but I have to keep working until I head off, otherwise I'll have no money whatsoever and I can't let that happen. I hate this whole money situation. It's really bugging me. Maybe I'll have to live in a share house [especially since people keep saying living in Sydney is expensive]. Drat again.

Things I did well in 2010

Inspired by Katie Kukulka

1. I dealt with my break up with Yorick maturely and came out the other side a better person. I decided to embark on an adventure and move states and pursue a career in museum curating, something I would not have done if we were still together.

2. I started thinking about what I want, what I want to do, and only did things that made me happy. I spent more time with my friends, I dreamed of new adventures, and started saving for my fast approaching move.

3. I figured out what I do and don't want in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. I am so excited for my next one, which I hope will last for the rest of my life, and have worked hard on improving myself and learning lessons to do with how I act in relationships. I don't like how when I get comfortable in the relationship I stop doing things for myself, and base too much on the other person. I'm always working on that.

4. I started preparing myself for being more organised and have been psyching myself up. It takes me a lot of time to make huge life changes like that since I'm lazy by nature [a trait I hate about myself] but I am proud that I'm slowly getting somewhere with this. I am excited that once I move things will change.

5. I got into better sleeping patterns, getting up earlier and waking up with the sun. Once I moved home, my sleeping pattern was horrible but since I moved into the shed that has changed. I like getting up early and feeling like there is heaps of time to play with even before noon.

Even though I hated 2010, some good things did come out of it. I took control of my future and have set up a new life for myself in Sydney and that is something to be proud of. There is always good in the bad.

A brand new year

New Year's Eve was a bit of a let down for me. It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with Emma and her two lovely gay flat-mates Josh and Andrew and my sister, but I wasn't very interested in a huge party. I liked watching the fireworks from a spot on the wharf despite there being huge amounts of people around and I liked visiting Holly afterwards but it just felt like any other night. It didn't feel special or that I needed to make a big deal out of it. A lot has changed for me since May last year and since I'm single I have just wanted to do what makes me happy. For next year's celebrations I might just have a quiet one. Hopefully I have my future husband to celebrate with but I guess I can't predict what it will be like. It felt strange not caring too much about it despite it always being built up as a great night, one where things change from one minute to the next. I liked the symbolic change from 2010 to 2011 because 2011 means so much to me already. It's my year.

I had been chatting to Holly throughout the evening and asked if Yorick would be there at her boat. He was to be there and when we went down to the wharf to watch the fireworks then head to Holly's afterwards he jumped off the boat straight away when he saw me. I didn't really talk to him, just asked if Holly was there and that I'd go and get the others. I'm not sure I even looked him in the eyes. Subconscious ignoring I guess. I didn't really want to see him but we didn't actually chat. I didn't hear if he said anything to me when he got off. It's so strange. When I got to the end of the concrete next to Holly's boat, I heard Yorick's 18 year old say something like "Who the f is that?" I think she must be jealous of me. I just got a funny feeling about the whole thing, like she was defending her territory. I had that boy for 4 years. She can't compete with me. I don't want him back anyway and would never go back there. Holly's my friend, and if anyone was getting kicked off the boat out of the two of us it would definitely be Ebony. She's an idiot. She tried to be friends with my sister, saying they'd meet us out later, and it was totally weird. She was so threatened or jealous. I think they're both pathetic so it doesn't really matter to me, just shows that once again I am the better person, the more in control of my life and my destiny, and the one who has moved on to greater things. I hate that she got to me though. I hated thinking about her in my first moments of 2011. It had nothing to do with Yorick as we didn't really say anything to each other. It was all about her. It would have been nice to chat to Yorick but I went straight into asking for Holly mode and nothing else happened. I feel bad that I didn't say anything to Yorick, that we didn't get a chance to talk and check in, as he jumped straight off the boat to see me. He didn't do anything towards me after that though. Maybe he's whipped. I don't need to go back there anyway. I'm moving forward, trying not to think about that anymore, and just live my life the way I want to. I have so much to look forward to this year. It's going to be great. Yorick is now officially in my past as I'm starting a new year and I guess I should just forget about him completely. I kind of want to catch up with him, only because of the catch up that didn't happen last night, but I don't really need to revisit that whole situation. In the light of day it would be a mistake. I can't help that I'm curious. Holly will give me the gossip when we hang out this week. She'll give me some perspective.

I have some jobs to apply for today! I didn't think I'd find any online but I have. I tried Seek instead of Career One and have a few nice options. Hopefully I get something even though the jobs were advertised at the end of December and I won't be over in Sydney until late January. I'll write some cover letters and do some mailing. There is one at the Co-Op Bookstore, one with the University of Sydney Union and a possibility with JB Hi Fi so I will see what happens. I want to move away from hospitality into retail and these jobs would be a great step in that direction. I'd love to work at Kikki-K or Typo or Dymmocks or Borders or the Co-Op or Big W.

I'm feeling a bit hungover today. It's just hitting me more and more now. I felt a bit groggy when I woke up and I do need more sleep so I'll try and get to bed early tonight. It could be worse.

I've been messaging Holly, telling her how I felt about Ebony's reaction to me, and she said she thinks Ebony is threatened by me but that she is also completely drug fucked. Holly said that I was just really cool and mature last night and that I seemed the better person. I said that I felt bad I didn't have a mini catch up with Yorick, say Happy New Year, or anything like that, but that I'm moving forward and I doubt we'd have much to say [no real loss there] and that he'll be right. Holly said that it's not my problem and I did good! I just need to remind myself it doesn't matter anymore. He chose his path and I'm on mine. I am the better person, I am mature, and he's not my problem anymore. It would have been polite to ask him how his night was, what he's been up to, but it would have brought me down and got me thinking about him too much. It's done, it's in the past. That's all I need to know. Moving on!

One stressful day

I am so tired. It's been a long, stressful day at work and I am so glad I'm home. It took a bit of effort but I got my car back from Sarah's so I am independent once more. Super glad about that. Unfortunately James and the Hayley Cooper Band including Hayley herself are practicing over in the shed, aka my room, so I'm over in the big house bumming on the computer. I might finally watch some True Blood 3. I haven't watched it in ages but I may as well now.

Listening to this right now --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G96e3o4wFIg

I can't wait for Christmas. I love Christmas at home. We always do the croissants with scrambled eggs and smoked salmon and other yummy things, then presents and the usual raffle, then the extended family gathering. I have loved organising presents this year. I just want to get a few more plants for mum and I think I'm set. Otherwise I might get her some earrings from the same place Sarah got her a nice wooden bowl with a lid. I can finally wrap George's present. I'm sad dad's didn't come in the mail today though. Hopefully it'll come tomorrow, otherwise it'll have to be a late Christmas present like mum said mine will be. Never mind.

Sarah and I went shopping in town yesterday and when we were at the bank, Yorick's mum turned up and we had a nice chat. I told her about my plans and she told me about Felix and his driving and licence messes. Nothing about Yorick, which I'm glad about. I said to her to say hi to everyone for me as I saw his aunt Di in the street a few weeks back. Then when I was driving through North Hobart I'm sure I saw him waiting at the lights next to the Republic. He is in serious need of a haircut. It looks terrible. I'm glad I'm not with him anymore but it was a shock to see him. We're not right for each other and that makes it easier to deal with, to know that I don't need to be sad because something a million times better is out there waiting for me. I still find it weird that I used to know him so well but that we don't hang out anymore. We were together for 4 years and now it's gone. I don't really miss it, which makes it obvious that it wasn't right, but it's strange that that kind of thing can happen. Things change so fast.

I locked my keys in my car again today. It was in the Big W car park in Kingston and I saw Jessi and Rachel Elliot while I was there. We both had a chat, separately, but it was nice to have some entertainment while sitting on my bonnet waiting for my RAC man to arrive. Silly me. It reminds me of the first time I did it. Luckily that was at home so I walked 20m to get the spare keys and get inside. If only.

I can't think of anything else to write so good night!

Stream of consciousness?

I hate it when I don't write for a day or so and forget what I've written about. It's not like talking to a partner, Yorick for instance, who I would almost always remember sharing things with. It's different somehow. So Sunday was the staff party! We never got around to doing the staff meeting part of the gathering, which was meant to happen before we started partying, but I don't think anyone minded. I had nice chats to Grace 2 and new Sarah and Josh. I had a few drinks too, at least 5, maybe 6, and I was glad I partied because I am always too responsible. I got home at around 330am and I'm very proud of myself for that. Getting up in the morning for class was a struggle and for the whole day I was really tired but it was worth it. I hung out with Andi after the lecture [also being before the tute] and after the tute. We had chats and went to Mures for a late lunch. We are planning to have a park picnic date possibly on Boxing Day so I can see Ivy. I miss that little girl. I handed in my first assignment. I had to keep printing parts out because I noticed small errors but I hope it's okay. The lecture was pretty dry but it's all still fun and where I want to be. I had my regular Tuesday volunteering at the Maritime today. I listed some donated maps and finished off checking some artefact boxes along side the computer listings. I also helped a little with the new exhibition going up to do with the Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race. Tomorrow I am doing the last of my Christmas shopping. I have work on Thursday and Friday so I won't be making much money from now on in but I also won't need to spend as much so I'll limit my personal purchases to a minimum and just write a list of the things I want to get myself and be content with what I have. That will be hard but it'll have to be done if I want to get sorted for next year in Sydney. I can do it. I've just watched new episodes of One Tree Hill season 8 and The Vampire Diaries season 2 that I got off my sister's portable hard drive so I'm quite tired. I haven't had enough sleep over the last week but I'm getting back to it. It's way better than being bored. I should try and make a start on my essay once Christmas has passed. In sad news, Jan and Fra have been delayed in the UK due to all the snow. Barely any flights are getting out so I think they have rescheduled until the 12th of January till around the 5th of February so I'll get to see them for a bit. It would have been wonderful to have them for Christmas. They were meant to arrive on Thursday and be here for Christmas but alas, no luck. At least they're coming. I was worried when they weren't coming it meant that they weren't coming at all, but it's just that the dates are changed. Sarah said she could tell dad was sad. He hides things so well, I couldn't tell. I love that we're slowly getting closer, talking more. We're both quiet but it's not an awkward thing. I hope I get to see Etta often. I want to get back from Sydney every 2 months or so. I'll have a "flights fund" and if I can put $25 away each week I'll be able to manage it. That's not too hard. I don't want to miss Etta growing up and I definitely don't want her to forget me. I see her about every 2 weeks now, roughly. I'm very tired now so I'm going to play my last Facebook game [Country Story] then get a drink of cordial, go to bed and watch some Gilmore Girls, eat my last doughnut then brush my teeth and sleep. I am so bad with brushing my teeth.

December is almost over, almost

I am so excited December is almost over. It's only the 9th but it has already gone by so fast and I am very grateful. Soon it will be January and I'll find out whether or not I'm accepted to the University of Sydney [and I can start ordering and getting someone to screen print for me one of those classic Uni tees that people wear. I want to get two of the grey Threadless tees from the American Apparel website and have one for the Uni of Sydney and one for the Uni of Tasmania. They each have a specific font so I'll have to get that somehow and replicate it onto the tees.] and I can finally start making plans. I can't wait to start organising everything I want to take with me.

Last night while thinking about it I had forgotten that I'll probably do a home stay until I find a house. I will be looking for a house and for a job before I leave, and that will make it easier as I was starting to panic thinking that I wouldn't be able to take a lot with me, just a carry-on bag, and I would have to make another trip back just for my stuff. I think that by organising to stay at someones house I'll save money and be able to take a big suitcase with me. I imagined myself sorting through all my stuff and deciding what to take with me. Packing that suitcase will at least take a week to organise. I'll probably head over mid to late January for orientation [I'd better get in because I'm counting on it] then come back, work a bit, and go over again. It's a bit annoying having to go over and back but I can scout out some possible houses while I'm there and maybe not have to do a house stay thing. I'd rather be sorted at the beginning of February so I have time to settle in before Uni starts.

I probably don't need all that time but I'd like to explore the city more too. I would like to know the city close to as well as I know Hobart but that's impossible. I grew up here and have a map in my head, and I love that but it will be hard to get that with Sydney. I'll try though. I won't be bored over there because I can just go out and explore. Exciting! I want to make a cubby, but I would have to find blankets and extra pillows. I'll have to buy them. No cubby straight away then. I'll have to watch my spendings. I will need to get a job as soon as I can but again I'll look before I go. Matt from thebeach went to a job when he moved to Melbourne. I can do that too! It'll all work out. I just have to make and save as much money now as I can and I'll be okay. I have plenty of time left, kinda sorta.

I really miss my mp3 player. It's kinda broken and unless I find the box it came in I can't do anything about it. Also my car radio doesn't work because the code is lost and it shouldn't be but there you go. I hate living a music-less life especially in my car or on walks with Katie because they are the times I would listen to music. At the moment I'm listening to VersaEmerge's album Fixed At Zero on YouTube and am loving it. I might have to invest in another player or CDs. I'd rather another player, or to get mine fixed, because I need to save my money. I'll have another scoop in my room. Now I'm thinking -- will I take my 18th birthday present, a CD player, with me? It has a sub woofer and everything. It definitely won't fit in my suitcase but it could be sent up. It would be nice to play music out loud and not just on my mp3 player if I ever get if fixed. Yorick got it for me for Christmas last year to the warranty might have already run out but I have to find it and see.

Today I'm going to get an Advent Calendar for Christmas. I wanted to get one weeks ago at Target but they had a sad range where I looked and nothing interested me. I'll find a good one today at Big W when I go to meet Sophie before work. Before then I have to walk Katie and have some lunch. I'll probably stay out unless we finish at Big W quickly. I work at 6 so I'll see how it goes.

Love in 2011

Lately I have been religiously checking my daily horoscope on my phone and last night after midnight I checked the one I got for today. I love it.

A new year is coming, Scorpio. And it comes with the chance to begin again. What will you write on your fresh slate? Hopefully you have learned a lesson or two about love, and about hanging on to a good relationship tight enough to show you care, but not so tight that you smother it. Even though we're only entering the second week of December, it's not too early to start composing your resolutions for 2011. Make your love life a priority for the coming year. It's your time to shine, and love should be at the top of your list of priorities.

Love and family, travel and my career are the three things on the top of my life list so this fits in perfectly. Whenever I think of next year I think of falling in love and finding that illusive soul-mate as well as starting the year with a fresh slate. After this year I need it. I am so excited. Panda [a work mate] and I were talking about relationships last night and I really miss being in one and having an ongoing dialogue with someone but at the same time it's good that I have this chance to rearrange my life and focus on what I want in it. I am glad I'm not with Yorick anymore and it's great because I didn't know I wasn't getting what I wanted. Thanks to starting the BSW, I now have the skills to thoroughly examine relationships or anything really even when I'm in it. I just have to look deep and figure out if I'm getting what I want.

I am amazed at how accurate this horoscope is concerning my desire for a fresh slate next year. I can't wait to go out on my own and make a life for myself. I want to have fresh berries in the fridge for breakfast and make banana bread again and eat healthily. I want to do Jillian Michaels' Making the Cut over 30 days and get my dream body. I want to find a great house for a great price not to far from Uni if possible [or in cycling distance] and study my butt off so I can get into my dream career. I want to meet the man I'm to marry and go on holidays with him and settle down. I want it all and next year is when I'm hoping it will happen.

I love imagining the house I'll have and over time getting furniture and filling the empty spaces. It will be great to have my own space and make it just how I want. I might have to get re-inspired by Carrie Bradshaw. I want to get vases and flowers and fish and I want to frame my posters and have a table by the front door for my bag and keys. I would love an outdoor table and 2 chair set and one of the wicker egg-shaped chairs. It'll be fantastic.

A year of changes.

I went for a lovely walk this afternoon to the top of Red Hill where we used to go as kids. It's so lovely up there. You can see some of Snug and Conningham, possibly Bruny Island and to Mt Wellington. It was lovely. I felt so free, undisturbed by the pressures of work and responsibility. It was heaven. While I was up there I read Danielle's birthing post about baby Henry and it was lovely. I want that one day. I'm clucky.

Andi sent me an email about this course done through the Uni with MONA [Museum of Old and New Art], which will be opening in January next year, but the applications closed on the 18th of November and it start tomorrow. I tried to call the person in charge but it's no use. It's too late and I would look bad what with already being late to arrive to the news. It's a shame I didn't look at my email before either, our Uni email that is, as I would have gone out for it. It is a shame but it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Work was dull today and it's so strange for a Sunday. The restaurant is usually packed on Sundays, which is why I don't like to work them in the day time but am glad I am home this evening. It's nice to have work out of the way and have the evening to myself, especially since it's still light out. Once I got home I felt like doing something and I'm glad I went for the walk up to Red Hill.

This week I'm working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights all starting around 6pm, 5pm on Sunday. I'm glad I'll be getting more work but I feel like Joerg, the manager, if going to fire me at any moment. He kept pulling me up for things on Saturday night and one other day this week. He's only here for 2 weeks and I don't think he will fire me for my silly mistakes [Opening another bottle of wine when I didn't look thoroughly enough and see a hidden opened one, almost doing this again and being growled at for it, and taking the protector off the top off a bottle of red to get to the cork. Joerg said it was tacky but Alison, the owner, taught me that little trick. I didn't mention that to him] but I can't help think he will. I need this job though. I need to save as much money as I can and I can't afford to lose it. There is no chance of finding work when I'll be leaving so soon. I'll have to be on my best behaviour. I think he just wanted to use his authority a bit too. He's usually very nice.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I should start writing a list of things I need to do, like work on and finish my New Zealand and Vanuatu Travel Books. That is something I really need to finish. Then there's getting ready for next year, but that doesn't need to be started until closer to my leaving date, whenever that ends up being. I really want to know if it's going to be Sydney. I'll be devastated if it's not. I will do some studying tomorrow. That's what I'll do. Probably take Katie for a walk and hopefully start working on the Travel Books. They really need to be done. Then I have work.

Tuesday we're having a family dinner with some special guests -- mum's friend Christine and her daughter Lilly, who has recently become the face of Tasmania I think, something to do with Vogue, and possibly Lilly's partner. James and George will be up with Etta and it'll just be a very nice evening. Wednesday I'm Christmas shopping with Andi at K-Mart and apart from that I have no real plans for the rest of the week.

It'll be December soon! I can't believe how fast this year has gone and yet nothing great has happened to me. I've had an interesting year.

Here's something from the Daily Horoscope application on my phone.

Year of the Tiger.

The Tiger is a fighter, so this year calls for bravery, courage, and strength of spirit. This year will be anything but quiet. It will bring to our lives the element of surprise and suddenness. The circumstances and situations will be changing rapidly and many people will find it difficult to adjust to 2010's instability.

Regardless of the protection of their mascot, Tiger people could have either a very lucky or a very unfortunate year. Either way, this will be a year of big changes. The stakes are high, and so is the risk.

So there you have it. This year for me has definitely seen big changes. I had to show bravery, courage, and strength of spirit through breaking up with Yorick and beyond that by dealing with everything that came afterwards. That whole experience was surprising and sudden, very out of the blue, and I haven't enjoyed 2010 at all. Since making plans for next year and for my life, I have just wanted to skip to the point where it all begins, afresh, in another part of the country, but alas, I am still waiting for the adventures to begin. 2010 has been a very unstable year for me. I will be glad to see the back of it. I'm sure I'll feel a sense of relief, but then again it won't be full until I have moved out of Tasmania. A year of big, big changes, that's for sure.

If I won a multi-million dollar sweepstakes...

Daily Horoscope [from my phone]. Scorpio.

If someone knocked at your door today and announced that you had just won a multi-million dollar sweepstakes prize, how would your life change? Would you quit your job, dump your significant other, move to another part of the country? Would you reevaluate your coterie of friends, go back to school and study your dream career path, begin a charity that is so close to your heart? Whether you win a lot of money or not, Scorpio, the answers to this question say a lot about what's missing in your life. Choose at least one to begin, and you will enrich your life.

When I read todays horoscope I marveled at how spot on it was regarding the last 6 months. So many things have changed and so many are yet to be but there are many things in the works. My life is completely different and I know what I want but am waiting for things to fall into place.

I want to move to another part of the country and am waiting to hear back from Sydney. I did dump my significant other but it wasn't my plan, it was his. I would definitely quit my job. My friends are fine and I see them when I want. I am hoping to go back to school and get into the right career path for me -- museum studies -- so that's another one down. One of the main things I want to do is travel. Winning the sweepstakes would be fantastic and I would up and leave to go on holiday now to the UK as I have family there although I want to travel around South-East Asia first. I don't want to go alone though so I'd probably save the money and go when I find my future husband.

What's missing in my life is adventure. I want to start afresh in Sydney next year and study at the beautiful University of Sydney. I want to have my own house and make it just as I like, over time of course as money will be an issue. I want to be dependent only on myself for most things and learn to be self-sufficient. Eventually I want to find my ideal partner and start a family as I am totally clucky these days and do lots of travelling. If I were still with Yorick I wouldn't have any of these marvelous plans or the desire to do more. I would be stuck in a dead-end relationship and still not be able to see it. That's depressing. I just want these last few months in Tasmania to speed up so I can start my new adventures. First I need to know if I'm going to Sydney or not. Then I can really plan and have a date that it'll all begin. If I don't get in, coming to terms with the knowledge that I'll have to go to Melbourne will be hard. I don't want to go there. I don't think there's any other choice though, as I don't have an honours degree and will never get one. It has to be Sydney.

So, a lot of things are already in motion. Now I just have to keep waiting.

A birthday wish from Yorick

Yorick just sent me a message --

Hey happy birthday for Wednesday. Hope you're well.

I sent this one back --

Thank you. I'm very well. Hope you are too.

It shocked me as soon as I saw his name there. In the minute since I replied I've calmed down. I had wondered if he would wish me happy birthday in the days before my birthday and had forgotten about it afterwards. Here it is. I thought he would be sweet enough to remember and get in contact with me but then again I thought he might not because of his new life. I still don't know how I feel about it. I'm just glad I'm not really in contact with him anymore. I don't want to see him out tonight. I couldn't handle it. I don't want to see him for the rest of the year. Seeing his car twice in one day a few weeks ago was enough. It makes my heart pound for a minute, like seeing his name in my messages, the way it used to when I saw Royden.

This message makes me a bit sad actually. I want to speed up to next year when I'm embarking on my adventure to Sydney, if all goes to plan, and then again to when I meet the guy I'm to spend the rest of my life with. I'm sad now that my life isn't so fabulous but I know next year will be. I can't wait to meet that special guy and start the life I've always wanted. I know it will be great.

I didn't want to write something back to him that asked him anything because he wouldn't have written back again. He was short and to the point and so was I. That's all it needed to be. I don't want to see him or start anything back up again, and by that I mean talking or having false ideas about meeting up for lunch or something. I just want to let it be as it has been for a month or two so far. Now I shall stop thinking about it and get back to my episode of One Tree Hill season 8.