Where is my lover

I'm watching the Valentines Day episode of One Tree Hill and it's making me cry because I have no one to love me, no boyfriend, and that's what I want so badly. I want to be loved and I want a companion. I want to have someone to come home to, to look forward to seeing everyday. I miss that. This episode has made me think of Yorick. I miss the fun we had together. I miss the holidays to New Zealand and Vanuatu. I keep thinking about the early days. I can't wait to have that again with someone who's actually right for me. Until then I'll be waiting.

Almost rid of 2010

I am slowly checking things off my big to-do list. Today I sorted out most of my clothes and chucked out the majority of them. I have a huge bag I need to drop off into one of those charity bins at some stage. I also started work again on my Travel Book for Vanuatu. Once I finish the photo placements I can cross one more off that huge list. Then onto the writing. That is going to take forever. I also need to keep organising things to take and to eventually take to Sydney. It's going to be a long task, especially since I don't quite know what I have off the top of my head and what I'll take with me. I'll get there.

Tonight I'm going to go to the supermarket and buy a few things for dinner. I'm going to get mum some milk and myself some of the tasty treats I like. She had a tone in her voice, especially after I said I was off mince when she asked if I wanted spaghetti bolognaise for dinner [they're going out], and basically said to go get my own food. So I shall. I'll get some yogurt and oven fries and some oven fish or nuggets, bread, biscuits, some ice cream or probably lemon sorbet. This is the last time I'll probably shop for myself here for food I like because once I'm in Sydney I'm going to be on a healthy eating regime and stick to it for at least 30 days and hopefully longer once I get hooked on healthier foods [here's hoping]. Sydney is going to be great. I can't wait to move there. I'll be devastated if I don't get into the Uni there but going to Sydney will be great even if I'm not at that particular Uni. I am always praying that I get into the University of Sydney though. Please oh please oh please.

I started watching the O.C. again. I love it! I can't wait until I find my next partner. I do hope he's my life partner but that might not be the case. I wonder what a psychic would say. I do want to go see one but where do you find a good one? I can't wait for the awkwardness before you start getting used to being together, the first few kisses, and getting to know each other. I am so excited that one day I'll get to experience all of that again. I miss the start of relationships. They are the best. It'll be even better with my future husband too. I already know he rocks. One day.

Once I'm finished playing my games I'll go and finish putting all the photos into my Vanuatu Travel Book then go grocery shopping. Then I'll watch more of the O.C. and not much else. I'm a bit boring but at least I'm not spending much money now that Christmas is over. I only did around 10 hours last week, maybe 12 or something, so that sucks. Once 2011 starts I'll head over to Centrelink and try and get the ball rolling before I move to Sydney. Smart move, O'Regan.

Nirrimi and inspiration

I have just stumbled upon another new blog that I absolutely adore. It is by the stunning Nirrimi. I found her last night and today I went back to the beginning of her blog when I found this. It's something that I need to do --

It's curious how good it feels when you take risks and live. Shoot through the cold wet and count the hail by the red marks on your back. You need to break the pattern to feel truly alive. Yell in the street or go somewhere very unfamiliar. Hug a stranger. Be spontaneous. This is your only life, don't waste your youth or your days.

She lives. Truly lives. I don't. I am wasting my time and think that next year when I'm in a new state and going to Uni that I'll do these kinds of things. What about the now? Do I think that doesn't count? Apparently I don't. I am not hugely creative or good at improvising. I have to think of these great things then set out to do them. I don't go out and do things otherwise because they're not on my radar. I don't just go out and see what happens. I'm a bit blind. Here are more inspiring words --

I've learnt that to make dreams come true, you have to be obsessed. truly, utterly obsessed. I think of obsession as passion squared, and if you have passion for something people will see that. If you go through an entire day without doing something towards your dream, you're not obsessed enough to make it happen. Sure, some people get lucky, but we're not going to wait around to see if that's us. We need to make things happen for ourselves, because we are the only ones in control of our lives. With enough obsession and work any dream can come true for you. You will be disappointed, sleepless and somedays you will want to give up, but you will be happy, because you are living

Maybe I need to be more obsessed. I do think about next year all the time, every day, and I think about how great life will be once it happens. Wherever I end up, I'll make it great. I might be obsessed enough but there is always room for more. I could ring up and talk to someone and pester them into giving me an offer. Then again that would probably backfire and I already know what they will say, almost.

One thing I have decided on is to give myself a cut-off date for my New Zealand and Vanuatu Travel Books. It's time, and they have to be done before I move or they'll never get done. Enough of being lazy and thinking I'll get to them. If I keep going along this train of thought they'll never get done! And they must. I can shorten the word requirements to just the activities and places we went to and keep the diary for my own personal use. I can even have a separate blog about it and put the pictures in. That'll be nice. It's about time I kicked myself into gear. Talking to Micaela about it when we caught up a few weeks ago got me thinking about it more. That'll give me something to do.

Sometimes I wish I were free, that I hadn't been molded by society into someone who follows the rules. I wish I had the guts to be like Nirrimi.

Much of society seems to think there is a 'right' way to live life. A formula. Finish school, go to university, climb the career ladder, get married, settle, buy a house, have children, have granddchildren, retire, die. It's strange that something so outdated is so widely spread. I was told I would never become a photographer if I didn't finish school. People my own age sometimes ask, why are you acting like an adult when you're so young? Shouldn't you be out partying and actually being a teenager? Because there is a right way to be the age you are! Well I guess I am a rebel by not being rebellious then. Isn't it all ridiculous? Sometimes I think about this and ache to be brave and push aside my fear. And so I'm going to be loud about what I'm passionate about, even if I'm not supported.

I want cute clothes like this. Nice Summer dresses and cute boots. I might have to get the ones I found on the internet but I need to stop spending so much money!

From here.

Sydney will be fantastic. I'll chuck out most of my wardrobe and start again [although I have started getting new great pieces], and I will start again with my underwear drawer. I read in someone's post about how you should treat yourself by spending $25 on underwear and that sometimes they wish they could chuck all their underwear out and start again. I like that idea. I think I'll adopt it. Clothes make me feel great, special, new. I want that feeling for Sydney, if that's where I end up.

Never give up on all your loves and dreams, let them out to be loud!

I love the way Nirrimi talks about children.

Most people may want to live first and then have children, but for me, having children will be living.

I can't wait to have children of my own but first I have to find my one true love. There are so many things I want to do in life, and the majority of them involve travel. Children can come too after all. Because of society, my mind has already become accustomed to imagining children having to go to school and being settled. I want to be wild with them and I want them to travel with me. A lot can happen before they turn 5 and need to go to school. It is required after all.

I take a mental photograph like I often do and I close my eyes tightly while it develops.

I think I have spent enough time on the internet. I have loved spending the last few hours with Nirrimi.

A year of changes.

I went for a lovely walk this afternoon to the top of Red Hill where we used to go as kids. It's so lovely up there. You can see some of Snug and Conningham, possibly Bruny Island and to Mt Wellington. It was lovely. I felt so free, undisturbed by the pressures of work and responsibility. It was heaven. While I was up there I read Danielle's birthing post about baby Henry and it was lovely. I want that one day. I'm clucky.

Andi sent me an email about this course done through the Uni with MONA [Museum of Old and New Art], which will be opening in January next year, but the applications closed on the 18th of November and it start tomorrow. I tried to call the person in charge but it's no use. It's too late and I would look bad what with already being late to arrive to the news. It's a shame I didn't look at my email before either, our Uni email that is, as I would have gone out for it. It is a shame but it obviously wasn't meant to be.

Work was dull today and it's so strange for a Sunday. The restaurant is usually packed on Sundays, which is why I don't like to work them in the day time but am glad I am home this evening. It's nice to have work out of the way and have the evening to myself, especially since it's still light out. Once I got home I felt like doing something and I'm glad I went for the walk up to Red Hill.

This week I'm working Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights all starting around 6pm, 5pm on Sunday. I'm glad I'll be getting more work but I feel like Joerg, the manager, if going to fire me at any moment. He kept pulling me up for things on Saturday night and one other day this week. He's only here for 2 weeks and I don't think he will fire me for my silly mistakes [Opening another bottle of wine when I didn't look thoroughly enough and see a hidden opened one, almost doing this again and being growled at for it, and taking the protector off the top off a bottle of red to get to the cork. Joerg said it was tacky but Alison, the owner, taught me that little trick. I didn't mention that to him] but I can't help think he will. I need this job though. I need to save as much money as I can and I can't afford to lose it. There is no chance of finding work when I'll be leaving so soon. I'll have to be on my best behaviour. I think he just wanted to use his authority a bit too. He's usually very nice.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I should start writing a list of things I need to do, like work on and finish my New Zealand and Vanuatu Travel Books. That is something I really need to finish. Then there's getting ready for next year, but that doesn't need to be started until closer to my leaving date, whenever that ends up being. I really want to know if it's going to be Sydney. I'll be devastated if it's not. I will do some studying tomorrow. That's what I'll do. Probably take Katie for a walk and hopefully start working on the Travel Books. They really need to be done. Then I have work.

Tuesday we're having a family dinner with some special guests -- mum's friend Christine and her daughter Lilly, who has recently become the face of Tasmania I think, something to do with Vogue, and possibly Lilly's partner. James and George will be up with Etta and it'll just be a very nice evening. Wednesday I'm Christmas shopping with Andi at K-Mart and apart from that I have no real plans for the rest of the week.

It'll be December soon! I can't believe how fast this year has gone and yet nothing great has happened to me. I've had an interesting year.

Here's something from the Daily Horoscope application on my phone.

Year of the Tiger.

The Tiger is a fighter, so this year calls for bravery, courage, and strength of spirit. This year will be anything but quiet. It will bring to our lives the element of surprise and suddenness. The circumstances and situations will be changing rapidly and many people will find it difficult to adjust to 2010's instability.

Regardless of the protection of their mascot, Tiger people could have either a very lucky or a very unfortunate year. Either way, this will be a year of big changes. The stakes are high, and so is the risk.

So there you have it. This year for me has definitely seen big changes. I had to show bravery, courage, and strength of spirit through breaking up with Yorick and beyond that by dealing with everything that came afterwards. That whole experience was surprising and sudden, very out of the blue, and I haven't enjoyed 2010 at all. Since making plans for next year and for my life, I have just wanted to skip to the point where it all begins, afresh, in another part of the country, but alas, I am still waiting for the adventures to begin. 2010 has been a very unstable year for me. I will be glad to see the back of it. I'm sure I'll feel a sense of relief, but then again it won't be full until I have moved out of Tasmania. A year of big, big changes, that's for sure.

Summer is breaking my heart

I feel uneasy. Restless. I want to be out in the world and when Summer begins it reminds me of the lovely weather I experienced in both New Zealand and Vanuatu. I miss those times with all my heart and I am struggling at this time of year because of it. It makes me sad because I am stuck here, I have little money, and no one to travel with. I say no one because I only want to travel with a partner, someone who wants the same type of travel as I do. I want a family. I want that stability and that kind of love. This year makes me sad and I can't wait for it to be over. I feel like I need to get out of this place. I am scared about that, but I know it needs to be done, and to be scared and not go is not an option. I would never forgive myself and would thus suffocate here. It breaks my heart this Summer. It truly does.

I feel like I don't belong here anymore. Tasmania and this lifestyle is not my own and I don't wish it to be. I'm living in my parents house for a start, and knowing I'm leaving in a few months makes the wait unbearable. I'm not truly living. It was good back in May/June when I was healing but now I'm healed I'm restless as this life doesn't feel right anymore. I should at least be living out of home but it wouldn't be right here as I'm hoping to move. There's no point at the moment and I need to save almost all of the money I earn, which has always been a struggle. I will try though, and if I save at least $100 a week I'll have made $2000 including the $800 I made at the Cupping Room. Hopefully I'll be working more at thebeach and possibly at Cotton On or Factorie over the Summer months and can save more like $250 a week or something. Then I will be in a better position for Sydney or Melbourne, wherever life takes me. I will go anywhere a Uni will accept me for my chosen career.

I can't wait for 2011 and even for my 24th year of life which is rapidly approaching. I feel like I will have left this year behind me, especially once 2011 ticks over, and that fact will be comforting. 2011 will be my year, my year to start afresh and find all that I want. I especially want to travel. Emma and I were talking last night at Onba about possibly doing a 3 month trip in South-East Asia. It was only briefly mentioned but that would be nice. I was also thinking that at some stage next year, wherever I am, I will try and get back to New Zealand, by myself will be fine, for a few weeks. I really want to go back there, but then again reliving the trip I took with Yorick wouldn't be a good idea. I'd want to go to all the same places, and virtually do the same trip, but I won't have the money for it. I liked buying the van over there and travelling that way, but if I go alone how would I travel? I could rent a car, but that is expensive. I would stay in rooms as opposed to a tent. Maybe this isn't a good idea after all. It might be more hurtful than helpful. On such a short trip too I wouldn't know where to go. I'd start in Christchurch and visit the lakes Tekapo and Pukakai on the way to Mt Cook. It's something to think about.

All I know is that this time of year makes me sad and want to leave this place. I feel like Bramble, a traveller in a wonderful book called Blood Ties by Pamela Freeman, who knows she belongs on the road with adventure as her companion. Hopefully these next few months will pass quickly and I will be on my way to better things. That is my dearest wish, but for that I am relying on getting into a Uni.

Life isn't so good

I got up this morning at 12 noon, as I did yesterday, and went to take Katie outside, and as soon as I opened the door I felt that the seasons had finally changed from Winter to Spring. I was reminded immediately of Vanuatu and the lovely weather there, the lazing about and relaxing, and after I made myself some breakfast I went and sat out on the deck in the double swinging chair, ate my breakfast then relaxed in the sun. I stayed out there for maybe half an hour until light drops of rain started to fall from the sky. I reminisced about Vanuatu and it made me think that I really need to get back into doing that Travel Book and once I'm finished putting the pictures in place, I can type up the diary, then begin with the New Zealand one and write free hand and just cut out certain paper shapes as the sizes are all different. It's hard to explain but I know what I'm on about and as I'm sure no one else reads this then it doesn't matter, does it? I need to get it done because this is the time to do it. What other time is there?

Maybe I can take a hire truck to Sydney instead of a small car for some of my stuff. I want to take my TV and desk and chair for my laptop and if it would be easier getting a mattress here then that might be a good idea, especially since I would have no idea of where to buy one in Sydney and would hope they have a delivery service. I'm expecting to have a mattress on the floor, no bed as such, but that's fine with me. It means I'm finally living on my own and doing what I want. I'm excited for that. I would also love to take my chest of draws, not that it has draws, rather shelves, that I got from Mt Nelson. I would definitely need a truck then. And just my clothes and other things like that. Books and DVD's. I won't take a heap, but then I have all my towels and kitchen stuff like pots and pans and plates and stuff that I got from the Yorick-Anna divide. I need a truck. Maybe mum and dad and I can drive up together once I have a house. I guess I'll fly up there and possibly stay with Joyce, my neighbours grandma, while I'm trying to find a house and a job. Then I can fly back down, and drive up with mum and dad, do a road trip sort of thing and stay in caravan parks, then they can drive back and I can start my life, get some fish and flowers and set up house. I'll have to study so much and work as much as I can so hopefully I won't have time to be lonely, and hopefully I can go to Joyce's for a dinner every so often. It won't be so bad with not many people I know. I'll make friends eventually.

Speaking of work, I'm getting my resume into order. After Holly gave me hers I've made it very similar and now I'm going to add my Hotel School units sheet, including the RSA, with it as well as for my Wrest Point Pier One interview yesterday they asked for it, and employers always do. I'm also going to get Alison from thebeach to write me a reference so I can take that with me to Sydney and beyond instead of having them call her up years after I have stopped working there. I think that will be much better. I might even be able to get Holly to write me one based on what Alison writes. Or future employers. Speaking of the interview, I wasn't nervous and it went well but I don't like the scale of the business, like the Hotel Grand Chancellor. I'm over that, and I know it's going to be one of those soul-crushing jobs that I hate and after a while of working in them realised I didn't need that. After finding thebeach I know it'll be worse going backwards into such a horrible workplace. Pier One is cut off from the rest of the Casino so it might be okay but I am just hoping I get the Oomph! job and if not then I'm going around all other cafe's and seeing what happens, starting on Monday.

I really want to be on holiday after my experiences this morning. Last night I was quite down because of the outcome of the interview and general feelings about not working and how my life is pretty crap right now. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to be saving for a purpose, to move to Sydney, and I want that date to get closer and closer. I am on holiday, in a way, but the activities such as snorkeling or hiking aren't there. I don't have the Yorick company I used to have and I'm not enjoying this holiday anymore. I want to be working. I want to be out of the house. I'm not coping with this anymore and I want it to end. Please oh please let me get a job at Oomph!. Pretty please.

Next week I'm going back to the gym. Also next week I'll hand in my Maritime Museum application for volunteering and pray I get a call from Oomph!. Might even do a resume drop around Salamanca and Sandy Bay. I'm so excited that soon I'll be able to put a "volunteering" section on my resume, for museums and overseas country travels. I want my life to pick up so badly. It was alright 2-3 months ago just after Yorick and I, dealing with all of that. I was healing, but now that's over I'm sick of it. I'm not "sick" anymore. I can't believe it's been 4 months since we broke up. Crazy. Just crazy. Now he's moved on and that's okay. Whenever I'm watching love stories in movies I enjoy watching first kisses and beautiful moment and really want that for myself, but only when the time is right. Not now. It wouldn't mean what I want it to mean now. I want it to last, and I want to be feeling great about myself and my body, which I'm still not. Definitely not the right time. I know I will want that closeness but I want everlasting love and a husband more. I can wait.

I'm looking forward to this weekend starting tonight. I have work tonight, then tomorrow is Dani's engagement party, which means friends and going out, and Sunday is more work. I'll ask Alison today, or at least write on the roster for next week, that I'm available for more shifts, being free for Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and my regular Saturday and Sunday shifts. I want more there so if I get Oomph! I won't need Pier One. The interviewers were saying pretty much that I'd have to quit thebeach j Iust to accommodate their hours, but I'm not ready to give up on thebeach. It's the best job I've had and I'm not done yet. Something better will turn up. It has to.

I feel like I need to drink a heap of water so I'd better go and do that, and get the mail and get ready to go pick up Sophie and take her to her car in town. At least I'll be out of the house.