I feel uneasy. Restless. I want to be out in the world and when Summer begins it reminds me of the lovely weather I experienced in both New Zealand and Vanuatu. I miss those times with all my heart and I am struggling at this time of year because of it. It makes me sad because I am stuck here, I have little money, and no one to travel with. I say no one because I only want to travel with a partner, someone who wants the same type of travel as I do. I want a family. I want that stability and that kind of love. This year makes me sad and I can't wait for it to be over. I feel like I need to get out of this place. I am scared about that, but I know it needs to be done, and to be scared and not go is not an option. I would never forgive myself and would thus suffocate here. It breaks my heart this Summer. It truly does.
I feel like I don't belong here anymore. Tasmania and this lifestyle is not my own and I don't wish it to be. I'm living in my parents house for a start, and knowing I'm leaving in a few months makes the wait unbearable. I'm not truly living. It was good back in May/June when I was healing but now I'm healed I'm restless as this life doesn't feel right anymore. I should at least be living out of home but it wouldn't be right here as I'm hoping to move. There's no point at the moment and I need to save almost all of the money I earn, which has always been a struggle. I will try though, and if I save at least $100 a week I'll have made $2000 including the $800 I made at the Cupping Room. Hopefully I'll be working more at thebeach and possibly at Cotton On or Factorie over the Summer months and can save more like $250 a week or something. Then I will be in a better position for Sydney or Melbourne, wherever life takes me. I will go anywhere a Uni will accept me for my chosen career.
I can't wait for 2011 and even for my 24th year of life which is rapidly approaching. I feel like I will have left this year behind me, especially once 2011 ticks over, and that fact will be comforting. 2011 will be my year, my year to start afresh and find all that I want. I especially want to travel. Emma and I were talking last night at Onba about possibly doing a 3 month trip in South-East Asia. It was only briefly mentioned but that would be nice. I was also thinking that at some stage next year, wherever I am, I will try and get back to New Zealand, by myself will be fine, for a few weeks. I really want to go back there, but then again reliving the trip I took with Yorick wouldn't be a good idea. I'd want to go to all the same places, and virtually do the same trip, but I won't have the money for it. I liked buying the van over there and travelling that way, but if I go alone how would I travel? I could rent a car, but that is expensive. I would stay in rooms as opposed to a tent. Maybe this isn't a good idea after all. It might be more hurtful than helpful. On such a short trip too I wouldn't know where to go. I'd start in Christchurch and visit the lakes Tekapo and Pukakai on the way to Mt Cook. It's something to think about.
All I know is that this time of year makes me sad and want to leave this place. I feel like Bramble, a traveller in a wonderful book called Blood Ties by Pamela Freeman, who knows she belongs on the road with adventure as her companion. Hopefully these next few months will pass quickly and I will be on my way to better things. That is my dearest wish, but for that I am relying on getting into a Uni.
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