Where is my lover

I'm watching the Valentines Day episode of One Tree Hill and it's making me cry because I have no one to love me, no boyfriend, and that's what I want so badly. I want to be loved and I want a companion. I want to have someone to come home to, to look forward to seeing everyday. I miss that. This episode has made me think of Yorick. I miss the fun we had together. I miss the holidays to New Zealand and Vanuatu. I keep thinking about the early days. I can't wait to have that again with someone who's actually right for me. Until then I'll be waiting.

Sad face

I'm quite disappointed. I didn't get any more news about getting into Sydney and when I, amongst others, wrote on the Facebook message I blogged about yesterday, they wrote back --

Apologies for the confusion. Today is the announcement of first round offers for applicants who have applied to undertake postgraduate study within the Arts of Health Sciences faculties. Second round offers will be made in mid-January and third/final round offers will be made in early February. We hope this clears things up.

It clears things up but it doesn't make me any happier. I'm sad. I let some tears go and I'm a bit deflated. I was hoping to be able to start making plans, even though in the back of my mind I always knew I wouldn't get first round offers. They probably don't want me at all. I messaged mum and she said we'll talk about options when she gets home. All I can do is wait really, but I want to make plans, I want to know whether or not I should enroll for Deakin because if I don't then I might miss out on that opportunity. Should I apply for other Uni's? I'm hating this!

Horrible day

So I had a horrible day today at Oomph. The morning was good, expect when Nikki kept coming and telling me what to do when I was about to do it or knew that's what needed to be done, but lunch was horrible. It hit at about 1230 till 200 and it was crazy, crazy busy. Every table was full and it was my job to cover the whole floor, take coffee's out, set tables with cutlery, clear tables and wipe them everytime but I swear it's too much work for one person. It's nothing like thebeach and I regret that it isn't. It's too hard and once I finally got my break at 205 I went to the toilet and had a little cry, then told myself I was done with crying until I was out of there. Carlos asked if it was my fault for things being behind ór messed up, not that I'm sure it was, but I tried to keep up as best I could. I wasn't prepared for it being that busy and it's so hard to prioritise with the coffee as well as set tables, wipe them and clear them. There are 20 tables and it's way too much. They should have 2 people for those duties, one for coffee and setting, one for clearing and wiping, or for each person to have their own half of the tables. It's too much. Nikki blamed me for the other girls, Jess and Amelia, having to set tables with cutlery but it's not always my fault as some people who order food don't have coffee so I don't see the order. Nikki said that only happens sometimes so she still kinda blamed me. I was ready to get the hell out of there, and even Jess said she wanted to leave. It was horrible. I collected so many plates by the end and had to dump them in the washing up area, which also has to be done by the front of house crew. It's stupid as they're not set up very well. They need that to be done by a kitchen hand and have the coffee cups and water glasses part set up with one of the washers we have here, one where you place the glasses in, give them a pump, and the brissles on the sides get the crap off. I hate how different the little things are. I'm a restaurant girl, not a cafe girl. I talked to mum on the phone about it and tried to mask my tears. I'll see how I go for the rest of the week and if I can't handle it I guess I'll have to say I'm done. I like it there though but the only thing I hate is that there's too much for me to do and not enough of me to get it all done. It's not fair and Nikki isn't sympathetic at all. Carlos is good, as he isn't really involved with giving orders, but it's Nikki I have to please. I don't know how it's going to go. I love getting up early and getting the bus, going to work and finishing in the afternoon. It feels short too, and knowing the cafe is closing at 330 makes the day feel short. If the work doesn't get better though I don't know if I'll be able to stay. It's almost perfect. I got called into thebeach by Ryan, a recently new guy who might eventually replace Joerg, the manager, when he leaves in December, for 6pm and I finished at 830pm so I might head off home now. I'm in the office upstairs relaying the horrible events of today. It was nice that Jess and Amelia sympathised with me and Amelia even rubbed my back. I told them I thought I was so behind and they were there for me, supporting, despite having their own work to do. It's hard. Anyway, enough of that. I need to put today behind me and see how tomorrow goes. Only then will I know what to do...

Hurry, 2011

Apparently my ideal weight is 57.6kg as I am 164cm tall but I'm reaching towards 65kg. I've never gone over that and usually stayed under it, more towards 60kg, but I want to do something about it. I've mapped out all the classes I want to do at the gym this week and I went for a walk today. I don't want to go over 65kg as I know I'll get depressed.

Speaking of depressed I'm totally feeling that today. All day. I went to go on a job hunt but it wasn't my day. I tried to print some resume's at Uni but it took forever, then I got rained on during my walk to Salamanca and back from Sandy Bay. No one gave me a "yes we need you" so I'm still waiting for a job. I also got a huge phone bill as they did 2 months together and I went $20 over my internet usage limit so mum's going to pay that, I'll buy my plane tickets to and from Sydney for next week, then I'll pay her back. I came into the house crying after my expedition, then went to my room and cried some more when it seemed like she didn't give a crap [no sympathy at least], then she came into my room and helped get me organised. I have to stop spending my money on silly things, or limit it very much, get more shifts at thebeach if I don't get anything else, and I'll be able to save. We'll see if that works.

I have 3-4 shifts at thebeach for the next 3 weeks so that's something. Hopefully I'll hear from either Oomph! or Brew, another coffee shop [in Sandy Bay], who said they might have something within the next 2 weeks. I have lots of gym dates and times planned so hopefully I will be able to busy myself and think more of Sydney than of other things. People I don't want to think about that is.

I haven't been emotional in a long time. It was refreshing in a way, to feel that strongly, to cry and let go, to feel it was okay to cry. I don't mind crying. Helps me a lot.

I'm going to lunch with Sophie tomorrow at work. We'll have entrees and deserts. I reckon I'll put mine on a tab so I can pay it tomorrow as I'm super poor. I have $5. Holly and I are meant to go to the State to see King of Thorn. It's part of the Reel Anime thing happening in selected cinemas over the country and it's the last day it's on. I might have to borrow the money off her just so I can go and pay her back on Wednesday. It's pathetic. I do indeed need to be better with my money. Having more would help.

I can't wait till next year. It'll all be better then.

My weekend in Sydney

While I was in Sydney, I wrote my journal posts on a little note pad so I think it's time I typed them up. I do love having a journal. Sometimes I go back through them, not very often, but it's great having it there to look back upon. It's also my therapy. So here is my weekend in Sydney:

* Just a note. I keep changing tense throughout so please ignore that.

Day 1. Friday 27th August.

I had an early start this morning. Dad drove me to the airport in horrid weather but it was lovely seeing the snow down so far on Mt Wellington. Once at the airport I checked in and made my way through to the lounge to wait for my slightly delayed flight. I saw Scottie Brown from work and we had a bit of a chat, but it's one of those relationships that you wouldn't feel comfortable sitting next to the person while waiting for a plane. We wouldn't have had much to talk about so I went off by myself and listened to my MP3 player, something I hadn't done in a while because my car player is out of action [that's the time I listen to my music]. The flight eventually came and we got on board and started the trip to Sydney. The flight was quicker than I thought. I imagined it taking 2 hours when it only took around 1.5 hours. I had a nice chat to a lady next to me in the aisle and watched a cute family with kids running up and down, imagining my life like that one day. Once we landed, I found my way through the airport and got directions to the shuttle bus service to my back packer's. The drive was crazy! He sped up through orange lights and went too fast; everyone was talking about it on the bus. I chatted to some nice ladies on the bus and once I was alone, the last passenger to be dropped off, I had a call from the Federal Group representative and we talked about my wanting to stay in Hobart and that she would give my application to the Hobart rep. By the time the call was finished I was at Base, and after I settled in and figured out my plans I hit the streets. I started at King's Comics on Pitt Street in the opposite direction of the city. It was great! So much stock. The manga wall at the back was amazing. I saw some titles I knew and some I wanted to get. I buy my manga online though as they always have what I want. I'm not a fan of ordering books in. I like dealing with it all online. After King's Comics I walked all the way up Pitt Street towards the Bridge and Opera House and looked in some shops on the way. There was a dress I had a look at in this cute store, but it wasn't right. I got some postcards and lollies and a V, then went back to Base for a rest. I was feeling a bit lonely at that stage. It was a trip I felt would have been better done with a friend or a boyfriend. Mum called and we had a bit chat about it. She said to take note of how I'm feeling as it might be an indicator of whether or not Sydney is right for me. It's not a quick trip home and I don't know many people but it all depends on how I feel for the rest of the trip. At that stage I thought it might be better to go to Melbourne, but then again they don't have the Masters and the Uni is ugly. I shouldn't let being scared turn me away from the better Uni. It would be different from when living in Sydney and going to Uni. If I lived in Manly with George's cousins I would have the security of people living close by. After the chat with mum and once I had settled myself, I went for a walk to Darling Harbour and got some Maccas for dinner as I couldn't find anything else. I looked in on the IMAX theater but it was all a bit expensive. I asked the receptionist at Base if there was a normal cinema around and she directed me to the Event complex, which had many movie cinemas, an area for buying popcorn, a restaurant, a gaming area, a sushi train, and other shops. I went and had a look but the times and movies didn't suit so I planned to go the next evening. Back at Base I met my room mate: 2 nice Korean girls. I jumped into bed and listened to my music and thought. I think that once I'm studying I'll be okay. I'm already getting to know the city and once I have a home and some of my belongings it will be better. The course is superior. It's the reason I chose Sydney to begin with. I need to be stronger. I'm too timid. Tomorrow will be better.

Day 2. Saturday 28th August.

Last night's sleep was horrible. At midnight, 5 more Asians arrived at the room and the light was on and they were making noise and I couldn't sleep. It was horrid. Horrid horrid horrid. I tried to get a bit more rest before the Open Day once they left for the day but it didn't work. I looked so haggard thanks to them and my 3 or 4 hours sleep. I had a shower and felt better. The shower was nice. Those places always need more hanging room though. After I was ready I went to George Street for a croissant and a hot chocolate at a coffee shop. I used my phone's map and "Places" app to find it. It was a lifesaver. After breakfast I caught the bus to Uni. The campus was amazing, so old and huge, very historic and beautiful. The Open Day was great. So many people and balloons. I got a goodie bag with lots of information and talked to some people about museum studies but didn't get all of the information I needed as the day was more for undergraduates when I'm a postgraduate. I had a look in the Nicholson Museum and it was great. I didn't go on a tour or look at the residential colleges as the campus is too huge so instead I went for a walk towards Victoria Park and got stopped by an Australian Conservation Foundation worker, Pete, who signed me up for $30 a month to help their cause. He said I should go to Glebe for the markets and the park, really close by, so I did, and it was wonderful. Glebe is great. It reminded me much of South and North Hobart with the main street with everything happening. Apparently it has a large student population as it is so close to the Uni and not far from the city either. I got some Thai for lunch at Thai Space on the main road and I ate in the open window [those huge door windows] and looked out on to the street. I realised that it would be a fantastic suburb to live in and I could really picture it. After lunch I caught the bus back into the city [$2 each way not on a return city] and got off early to go to Paddy's Markets. It was in a huge warehouse and it reminded me of the Hobart Show with the setup. I bought some patterned stockings then went back to the city via Chinatown. I had a brief rest at Base then headed out for more shopping. I bought some crazy bright shoes at Footlocker and a skirt at Supre, but I didn't feel successful. I went back to Base again after that and talked to one of the Chinese ladies in my room. At first I assumed they were all Korean as the original 2 were but it shows how much I can't differentiate between the different Asian countries. After the chat I went to the bar next door, Scary Canairy, for a $5 meal of fish and chips and a $3.50 glass of Trevi champagne before heading to Event for the 640pm showing of Toy Story 3 3D. I felt smart wearing the glasses. Then it was back to Base again and I got into bed. I looked up rental properties in Glebe and found it was affordable but it would depend on the house and whether or not it had a laundry or shared bathroom. It will turn out well.

Day 3. Sunday 29th August.

I had a much better sleep today. I was late to get up and I needed to stay in bed that little bit longer. I went to Zibar, a cafe, on the way to Darling Harbour for breakfast. I ate in and had raisin toast and a hot chocolate [not a good one as it was yucky syrup and not powder] then headed towards the attractions. In Darling Harbour I got money out and walked around the area past the "Urban Street Stream" to the Chinese Garden of Friendship. The garden was lovely, and had wonderful ponds and huge half-meter fish [Carp, perhaps?] that looked like huge goldfish. It reminded me of my holiday with Yorick in Vanuatu. It got me thinking and made me a bit sad, as that was something I would share with him and it was depressing doing it alone. I missed having him there all the time, and that he always knew what was happening with me. Then again, someone is more worthy than him. Love will find me when I'm ready for it. I need to strengthen myself first so I don't lose myself when I'm in the forever relationship. I want the security of knowing I won't have to go looking for Mr. Right again once I've found him and have gotten married. That will be great. I know it's not the right time but walking around the garden made me miss Yorick and the holidays we shared. I miss having my boyfriend to travel with. It's the only way I really love it. Sigh. That's why the trip had been hard. After I had finished in the gardens I bought a necklace on the way out. I sat outside in the shade for a little while before heading to the Powerhouse Museum. I found it too huge! I did remember it from when I went with my parents and brother and sister when we were younger. After I was done I slowly walked back to Base, eating some chips on the way and feeling horrible about my body. After a nap at Base, I booked the next morning's shuttle bus to the airport for 610am. I then walked up to Circular Quay with the intention of getting a ferry but it was going to cost too much so I didn't do it. On the way there I bought the dress I looked at on the first day there and got it in the size smaller. It's really cute. Back at Base I wanted sushi for dinner. I looked at the movies options and realised I wanted to see Step Up 3D so I ran to Event, paid for my ticket, watched the movie, and found the sushi train on the way out. I got a roll each of avocado, cucumber and tuna. They were so yum. Step Up 3D made me want to enroll in a dance class to get fit and flexible so it's something I will look into in Hobart. Then it was bedtime. I found it hard to sleep as I had to get up at 515am to prepare for leaving. Knowing you have to get up early makes it hard to sleep.

Day 4. Monday 30th August.

After an early start, making a bit of noise in the back packer's on the way out, I waited outside for the shuttle bus and was getting anxious as it was late. Another crazy ride to the airport and I got a berry smoothie and some Maccas [egg muffin and a hash brown for $4] for breakfast before waiting in the gate lounge for the plane to arrive. Once we boarded, we had to wait a little while for the plane rush. We were waiting in line behind a few planes for them to leave the airport. Peak hour at the airport. Airports always remind me of where I've been and usually remind me of times spent with Yorick as he's the only one as an adult I have gone place with. Sad. The trip back was good. Was a bit late to Hobart but Sarah was there to meet me. We went to the Raincheck Lounge in North Hobart for some breakfast and had a great time. We eventually went to Margate and I was finally home.

I had a good time on the trip but didn't really find out all the information for the course I was hoping to get. I might only have do to 1 year there as I might be able to go straight into the Masters. However, there is a different HECS scheme I need to look into as I might have to pay up front but who has that kind of money!? I'll find it all out on the Graduate Options day later this month. It was fun though, and I loved seeing Glebe. All in all it was worthwhile.

His reply

Yorick finally wrote back to my email and I’m not sure quite what I’m feeling. I’m crying but I now understand his side of things, which makes me happy, but what he wrote also makes me sad. Here it is:

“I think we broke up because we grew apart and wanted different things from life that we couldn’t give each other. Please don’t doubt that what we had was beautiful, because it was. We made each other happy for a long time. For me it feels like that towards the end we had totally different priorities, interests and pleasures, and although we tried to make it work for a while (even before either of us consciously realised this) we were basically just keeping up appearances of a happy contented couple. We didn’t spend much time together apart from happenstance at home, because there weren’t many things that we wanted to do together.

I’m a very social person and that made it hard for me when there were fun things happening involving people we both know and you would mostly prefer to either show up briefly or not go at all, when my call would be to stay for the duration. You’ve said several times during all this that I’m not the person you fell in love with and that I didn’t treat you the same as I used to, but it’s a double-edged sword. If you recall our early days, you’ll remember that we used to go out a lot, to parties, venues etc and have a lot of fun. That became a less and less frequent occurrence later in our relationship, and I guess I gave up on the idea of us going out together because it stopped happening. That started to create a dichotomy in my personal life because I’d go to something and people would ask “Where’s Anna tonight?” My reply would be something like “She’s just staying at home”. After a while most people stopped asking and then on the nights you did come out I would have this whole other things happening and you didn’t quite slot into it anymore. You would always be a priority for me when you did come out and I’d try to give you my attention and time but a lot of the time that was a conflict of interest. As for staying home, once again I think we just didn’t have that many common interests any more. We could always watch a movie, but that’s a pretty bland starting point. I found that a lot of the time we had nothing to talk about except general day-to-day stuff of what we’d been doing.

You were never a crappy girlfriend, you always loved and cared for me so much. I guess things just change. Of course I care about and for you, how could I not? It hasn’t been an easy adjustment and I still miss you and think about you a lot. I was actually thinking about you as I was driving home right before I first got your email. I guess the truth is that it hurts to think about losing you, even though it was my actions that caused it, and I’m just trying to get on with life now that we’re not together anymore. You will always be my first true love and hold a special place in my heart. Sometimes I find myself wishing we’ll get back together, but I know that we aren’t in the right place for each other. Who knows what the future will bring for either of us, but I’m sure we’ll both end up happy, because we’re both good and loving people, and we both deserve it. I hope this has helped you get an insight into my thoughts. It’s helped me sort it all out in my head as well by getting it all down. Love always.”

I’m so happy he wrote to me but I’m sad about it all too. I love that he thinks about me because not a day has gone by when I don’t think of him. I love that he has also though about us getting back together but I too know that we’re not in the right place for each other. I didn’t know that we’d drifted apart though. I guess I can’t see that yet but it makes me sad and upon reflection I suppose it makes sense.

I didn’t fit into his world anymore. I can’t remember what we used to talk about in the beginning. I know it was a lot deeper than we had done before the end but when our fire was burning out I found it hard to talk to him as it seemed like his heart wasn’t in it. If people looked at our actions they would have known something was up before we did, and I think that’s the case.

I am so glad he wrote back. I half thought he was ignoring me, happy to be rid of me as I have never known the other side of a break up, and half thought that he was choosing his words and figuring things out. I guess I was expecting the worst because of his new lifestyle. I really want to see him right now and hug and chat some more. Maybe we can catch up tomorrow. I have to think about what to reply to him.

I wrote this last night, crying all the way through, and am now reflecting up on whilst preparing to send it to him. My eyes are all puffy. Bother.

“Thank you so much for getting back to me. It means so much to me to know your thoughts and take on what happened. I wrote most of this last night but wanted to sleep on it before sending my reply to you. I’m glad you still care about me and that you think about me too because I think about you everyday, trying to work this all out, and knowing that you’re having a hard time with it also makes it easier. Not knowing your thoughts made me think that you might be glad to be rid of me or something. After the 2 other break ups I’ve had I never knew what the other was thinking or feeling so I assumed that they were fine about it as if I were erased form their memory so it’s really nice to know that you’re going through similar things. It’s not nice that we have to go through this but I guess you’re right, we did grow apart, and as such we need to go our separate ways and find out who we are and what we want because I’m not sure who I am anymore.

I wish we had discussed it at the time, the growing apart, so we could have done something about it. Then again, things probably turned out for the best. I hated that we weren’t hanging out and always wished we were doing more fun things and going on outings together. I guess we both had different priorities when it came to having fun because for you that usually involved your friends or parties when I would have preferred just to spend time with you alone. I suppose you’re right about our beginning and me changing to being less party girl than I might have been. I just got over the drinking and parties and wasn’t allowing myself to be spontaneous and do what I wanted when I did go to a party because I was always thinking about how I’d get home, especially since you would, as you said, want to stay for the duration. Drinking doesn’t really interest me much and towards the end that’s all you wanted to do, or it was a lot of what you did, and that seemed to cement our ending more. Couples don’t have to do the same things or like the same things but when those things are a big part of their lives it makes it hard to combine them to find a satisfying compromise. That’s probably part of our result. Things might have worked out if we were more similar but whatever the result I’m glad we were together for the time we were. It meant so much to me. I think we worked well when we were both living at our parents’ places or when you were at Allison Street because we were getting together for a purpose and were doing fun things. Looking back, I think that the most fun I had with you was on holiday but then again you didn’t have your friends there to troop off with so it’s not the reality. I just liked the way we spent time together, which combined my two favourite things, you and travelling.

It felt like we were housemates towards the end. I think that’s part of what makes it easy to be friends with you now because we were getting good practice at it and didn’t even know it. It made me so sad in the last few months that you were never home as it felt like you didn’t want to hang out with me and I missed you so much. I miss calling out to you from upstairs when you were downstairs and all our quirky lines and names and having you there next to me in bed. I miss making meals with you, or rather watching you make meals for us :D And I really miss hugging you. I need one of your great big hugs right now but you feel so far away in so many ways. Plus it’s probably not appropriate. I haven’t been crying-upset since the weekend we moved out until now. I’ve been doing really well, trying to be positive and optimistic (about the future) and adult about it, telling myself that it’s for the best because we didn’t fit right in the end. Now (last night) I’m crying because I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s lost something and am adjusting to a different life. I really thought you didn’t care and that you weren’t affected by it, maybe because you have a hip hop happening life in your new house with your new housemates and all the fun social things going on. It’s really nice to know your side because I forgot that you are a wonderful person and that you wouldn’t just move on like nothing had happened.

I miss who we were when we were great and I’m sad because that doesn’t exist anymore. We had some great times together and I will always treasure our relationship. Thanks again for replying. Knowing why things didn’t work out and that you’re struggling too makes it easier to deal with and accept. Maybe we can catch up for lunch one time this week or next. Love always too.”

I feel much better having replied and sorted it all out with him. Now I know why we didn't work out and as I wrote to him I can now accept it as it makes much more sense. I am usually pretty good with staying optimistic and positive about the future and now I can remember this conversation when I think he's forgotten about me or when I miss him.

Last night when I had first read this and was writing my reply, I went down for hugs with mum and dad and we had a bit chat about it all. Mum said that I'm honest and that I get my need to deal with something completely before moving on from her. I like that that's my process because I'm more whole afterwards. We talked about my future and what I'm good at and that we need to write that stuff down and find an appropriate job that corresponds to what I'm good at and my personality. I might do something to do with museums or an art gallery. She'll come with me to the career counselor as I always forget what to say. It's hard not having much going on in my life. I'm a lost soul, in limbo, and am not moving forward in some regards. I want to be saving towards my UK trip but can't because I don't have much work. It's hard. I'll get there in the end though.

Settling in

I'm all moved in back at Margate. I've had a few cries already today. I'm so hormonal. I hate this. I hate that it's ended and still ending [the house] and although next week will be hard without him I'll get a better sense of where I'm at. I'm so up and down with the crying. I really miss him, or the having a partner part, someone to look forward to seeing. I put too much down to him, based too much on him. I wonder if Sophie will get much out of him.

I have to do homework now and put all my clothes in the wardrobe and small stuff like that. I don't want to but I have to because when I get home from work tonight I doubt I'll want to do it.

I'm so going to cry a little at work tonight. Without a doubt. It'll only be small though but I know I'll be able to work. Hopefully Alison is there and she can send me home early as she always does. I like going home early.

I'm glad I'll be over in the big house and have the shed/little house for all my stuff, kind of like a lounge room. It's warmer over here and I'm closer to them [mum and dad]. I don't want to be alone. Not now.

I hate this.

The ending

I stayed at Margate last night. After Holly's I met Sarah and we went to the gig. I was so tired from an extremely emotional day and went home for 1130. I talked to dad and got a bit upset. Whenever I talk to someone I have a little cry then get to the other side.

At Holly's, we did my tarot and it was spot on about making the decision to end things with Yorick, how I'm feeling either sad or positive and that change is happening. There was something about creativeness and planning something, which is the UK trip with Sarah, and it was really good.

This morning I had a bit chat to mum and she said Yorick must have been struggling because he didn't want to tell me things weren't going well and didn't want to hurt me. She said that his actions were saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that he had made up his own mind about not wanting to continue with us but he didn't vocalise it. When I caught up with it and said I didn't want to keep going as things weren't working it was probably a relief for him but he must have already know that's what he wanted.

Mum said he loved me and that's why he was struggling and didn't want to hurt me but he's not in the right place for us. Because he loved me he was struggling. She thinks he might have run scared because things were too serious, like seeing my reaction to James and Georgie having a baby, thinking I might want that too, and I do, just not yet.

He's not going to talk to anyone about it much but Sophie will try. I am so up and down, crying, then positive. It's hard being alone. I am so stressed with this and cleaning and homework and working.

Mum and I talked about Uni and how I'm not so happy with the way things are going only because of my bad mark. We discussed anthropology and archaeology for an option if social work doesn't fit. We also talked about the UK trip and going for a year or something and working there, seeing the family, and traveling. I'm glad that's the plan. It all depends on how I go this semester with that one subject (301) and I'll probably take the year off anyway, maybe, and head over to the UK.

I'm here to get all my clothes sorted and then dad and James are coming over at 1130ish to get the rest of my stuff. I'll head back after that probably and not stick around for Yorick because he might not even come back and I have work tonight and homework to do. I'd like it if we can clean together tomorrow and do it together, the ending, so I'll see how that goes. I have work tomorrow night too and homework and so much going on. It's all so hard.

I'm lost. Dad said how maturely I'm taking this and I am. I'm on and off crying. I'll stay at home for a while in the big house closer to them. Warmer and more like I'm back in the nest. I'll be heading to Sophie's on Monday so we can have a bit chat about it and hopefully she has some news for me about Yorick. I have my sister too as she doesn't want to be alone either. I'd better go do some packing.

Feeling angry

I am so mad right now. Yorick came 'home' and started taking the bed apart and packing his stuff up. I tortured myself by watching and wandered around having my last looks at the way things were. Dad came by and took some of my stuff and once he left Steve came over and they packed up their cars. Then Yorick and I talked about what's happening next with the house and I had a blank face talking to him in a monotone and he asked if he could have a towel. I said his was the purple one and he grabbed it and left. I was so pissed off in that moment so I called Holly. She mentioned that Ruben is disappointed in him as we all are and he did come back into the house looking for something 5 minutes later whilst I was on the phone to Holly. She said I should try and act towards him like anyone else and if he continue to be a prick then I can say that I tried to salvage a friendship out of this but that he's being an ass ... and I can't remember what comes next. He called his new home home and it hurt when he was talking to one of his new housemates. Something is wrong with him. He's the complete opposite of the guy I fell in love with and Holly reckons no one will get much out of him about it for a while. I really want to know. Spilt milk situation. He is such a jerk and I really hate the way he's behaving. Fuck him. He can have his mess of a life. He does not deserve me or anyone like me. He deserves nothing. I do want to try and be nice and make a friendship with him. Holly said that I can say it's still there if he continues to be an ass whenever he's ready. I hate that this separation will be so sudden as of this weekend. I don't like it at all. Arr. I'm going to put the washing out, watch the rest of my episode of Lost, then head down to Holly's before meeting Sarah and going to the gig. I am better off without him. Ruben was proud that I did the ending of things. I am too. Yorick probably felt strongly about that but I won't know how exactly. One day I'll find out.

Feeling better now

I was really upset earlier and I couldn't stop crying. Sarah came over and we hung out and it was really nice. We talked about it, then moved to happier more optimistic topics, watched OTH5, ate chocolate and had a coke each. I'm feeling better. I'm upset but it doesn't feel real just yet because we haven't spent any time apart, which we will as of this weekend. He's meant to be coming home soon to start moving the bed with Steve. Someone is coming to have a look at the place at 430 and dad is coming by at 530 to assess the situation regarding heavy items. I might have a bit of a tidy now in preparation. I haven't been very productive today. I need to work on my assignments! If this study doesn't work out I'm totally switching to anthropology and archaeology. Moving would be fun but I'd miss my friends. That can come later. Sarah's keen for the UK trip idea. I'm thinking mid 2012. I'll start planning now.

The letter

I have just come back from Holly's and I am feeling much more empowered by this whole situation. I went to Margate and dropped some more stuff off and had a cry in dad's arms then felt better hanging out with him and my brother James. I went to Holly's after that and hung there with her and her friend Emma. We had lots of chats about my situation and how I feel and what I want and in the end we ended up writing a letter for me to give to Yorick when I'm going to approach him and end things. Things aren't getting any better and I don't love who he is now. I just want how we used to be but I know that he needs to be single and figure himself out because that's where he is at this stage. I can't be with him while he's like this because it's not fair on me and it's not what I want. So here is the letter.

Yorick,

You are a weak coward, forcing me to stand up and do the adult thing. You have drawn this out the longest, most painful way possible for me. I'm sick and tired of sitting at home waiting for you to grow up.

You have made me extremely sad and are not the person I fell in love with anymore. I mourn the loss of who we were, not what we are. Your behaviour recently has exposed a real lack of character and maturity as you clearly do not have the guys to treat me with the respect and honesty I deserve. I have never had anyone treat me with such a lack of consideration.

I never realised how unhappy you have made me for the past 6 months. You have been so wrapped up in your own selfish needs, having the benefit of leading a single life whilst having me to look after you. I feel like I've been trained by you to find this behaviour acceptable when it is clearly nothing but reprehensible and goes against all that I believe a relationship should be.

Anna.

That's where it ends but when I talk to him I'll say something about how it's not working and I can't go on like this anymore. I wrote it all down because I usually forget stuff and it's all there. Holly, Emma and I talked about this and how he's forced me to have to put this to an end. I want him to be the person I fell in love with but I don't think he's there anymore and it's unrealistic to think that he might come back any time soon. I think I'll be waiting a while for that guy to return. He obviously needs to focus on himself and figure out what he wants and who he is. I will also ask him what's made him so unhappy because something has.

I'm dealing with this pretty well and I think it's made easier by the fact that he isn't the guy I fell in love with and I know this isn't the kind of relationship I want. I need to focus on myself too. I'm not sure who I am and I am always planning things around him. I need to see what I'm like alone because I've forgotten who I am. Having all this time to myself will be beneficial for me and once I'm settled in a new house by myself I'll be able to surround myself with pretty things and do all the things on my list. This is for the best.

Big post with his journal

x. He's not the guy I fell in love with
x. The guy he is now is not the guy I want to marry

x. He doesn't want me anymore

x. I'm not getting what I want
x. It feels like it's over

x. I don't want to wait anymore

x. I want to be myself

x. I'll miss us and our ideal future together

I don't see how things are going to get better from here. He's being mean in the way he talks to me, short and avoiding, and he's never here anymore. He doesn't have much stuff left to move. I've been reading the journal he wrote a few entries in when we were beginning and it makes me sad. The way he used to write about me was beautiful but I don't think that exists in him anymore. I'm going to miss him so much but I'll know there's someone else out there for me who will love me the way I want them to. I'm not sure Yorick loves me anymore. They have just become words.

In the first entry he wrote about me he said "I'm fully hooked, she's addictive stuff. She's smart and funny and sexy and I feel I can just be myself with her ... Anna accepts me for who I am, and when she looks into my eyes that way she does it's as though she can see my soul. There's something about her -- it's like an inner beauty and honesty that's so pure it almost hurts to look at. I dunno, I can't help but smile when I look at her. I think she's been hurt pretty badly in the past but she isn't ready to talk about it so I'm not going to push the issue. We had sex last night for the first time and halfway through she broke down in tears. I wish she felt comfortable enough to talk about it but she didn't, so I just held her. I was really drunk which didn't help the situation any. Oh well, I'm sure she'll talk about it when she's ready. This girl understands me so well it's amazing. Every time I think I've made a critical mistake and fucked things up she's there. Hopefully she's a stayer."

x. He used to care when I cried
x. I want to stay with him but I think he's given up. We're not the same couple we used to be. I miss us. I miss our beginning.

This is the second entry.
"Hesitation & doubt plague me. Why didn't I call tonight? Why didn't she email? I saw her MSN name. 'You read my eyes like your diary'. What does she mean by my diary? Is it even about me? Probably not. I love her eyes though. God, I don't know what it is. And her smile. I know that one, it's such a truly happy and honest smile. No pretend smiles, they only happen when it's the real deal ... was it the ecstasy? Do I really like her this much? Does she like me? Is the timing wrong? We don't even have that much in common. We're completely different people. But I can't help it, I'm so attracted to her. And fascinated. I think that's part of it, she's so damned interesting. And the way she just looks at everything differently. I can't explain it but its so beautiful and different and I burn to know more. I hope she lets me have the opportunity. There's so much to her that she doesn't let on. I have to let her know I can see that."

x. I wish I could see myself like that. All I think of myself these days is that I'm not pretty, I have bad skin, and I need to lose weight. I'm a size 10/12 so I'm not doing that bad but I'd like to look outwardly better to feel better about myself on the inside.
x. I loved the process of meshing with him. I would love to be able to talk like that now. Maybe we weren't right for each other but we grew together and now we're growing apart. I have to ask him if he cheated. That might explain things.

A small poem.
"The smallest thing can
mean the most. A look, a touch,
a smile on your lips."

Something that makes me sad.
"She makes me so happy. Look at her over there, so cute & innocent. I don't deserve this, she can do better but I'm glad things are sort of working out. She cried again this morning, all I can do it hold her and reassure her but I need to be in her head space. She said she was wasting my time -- as if! Every moment I spend with her is cherished ... She was so happy last night. It made me happy to see. Hmm. Wow. What a girl. Hopefully her issues don't cause too many problems cos I can see myself with this girl for a while. I love the 'no labels' framework -- even though it's much the same as if we're 'going out', it just makes everything seem less complicate & way less scary. It's cool, we just hang out as though we're really good friends that make out & stuff. I love it, I feel so comfortable around her. She looks absolutely gorgeous from here."

x. It's sad that life gets in the way and you get more and more comfortable with someone that you don't do all the little things like cherishing someone and watching them. I miss this version of him.

"Work is getting to me; working so many short shifts all the time means its a constant part of my life, not just something I do a couple of days a week. It's the opposite with Anna, the precious time we spend together never seems to last ... I'm really having fun with Anna, it's cool how we just hang out and be stupid most of the time but we can still deal with the big issues when they come along. She's an amazing girl and I love the way she makes me feel. The only problem is, I think I sometimes bore her; she always wants to do 'things' and that's really great but I'd like for us to be able to sometimes relax and just do nothing, talk about whatever comes into our heads. We've been doing that a bit more of that recently especially when we're snuggling in bed, like after sex or whenever. Speaking of which, the sex is great, probably the best I've had, and she's said similar sorts of things, which makes me feel really good ... It's so strange. Neither of us were looking for this. She's not the girl I would've pictured myself with, and I'm probably not her 'ideal guy', but it seems to work so I guess just go with it."

x. I want to know what kind of girl he did picture himself with if it wasn't me. Truth be told I thought I'd be with someone who had stunning looks [in my eyes] and he did turn out to be someone I loved the look of. I love his walk and all of his old clothes. I love our history and that's why it's making me so sad. This version of us is hiding and might not ever resurface. I'm devastated about that.
x. This is all he wrote in his written journal.

Some stuff from his Live Journal. 17 April 2006
"Talking to Anna on msn cheered me up, as it always does ... we decided to go to the movie marathon that night. 'V For Vendetta', 'Final Destination 3', and 'Firewall' ... Anna gave me a call; her Mum couldn't give her a lift so I went and picked her up from her place. Jimmy was there which was good, we talked about soccer which was a good icebreaker. I met her Dad as well, which is good, I've got the Meet-The-Parents out of the way now. I made some lamearse joke about bringing her home alive, I don't think they caught the sarcasm, but oh well. We went and got pizza from La Bella, and heaps of munchyfood from the servo. gummi rings, jellybeans, a bag of chips, 4 redbulls, a fruitbox, a bag of M&MS and 2 packs of lifesavers. Then we came back to up to my place and got the green blanket. Anna got her bag searched when we went in, but she's a pro, and we only had to give them two cans of redbull. It was probably the most fun I've had at the movies, we were at eye-level, dead center, in the only double-seat. Everyone else was behind us as well, so it felt like we had the whole place to ourselves ... All in all it was a great evening, snuggling under the blanket and stuffing our faces with junk food. We slept in til 2pm today and then got chips & gravy for lunch. Not enough this time. Too much last time. We'll get it right next time."

x. I loved that night. It was the best fun. I miss us how we used to be so much. We used to have fun and talk to each other and take amazing trips to New Zealand and Vanuatu and camping trips. Going out for dinner was always fun. I called them dates. Oh God I miss us.

18 April 2006 Horoscopes
Aquarius seems an odd choice for the more introverted Scorpio. Aquarius needs a crowd to feel stimulated, and they're always looking around the room for the next interesting person to get to know. Scorpio, on the other hand, desires engaging, probing and very intimate time with their romantic mates. This pair may seem to have very little in common, but they both have such strong wills that, when focused on their relationship, can get them what they need and want ... Aquarius does not welcome possessiveness, either, preferring to belong to the world rather than one single person. But a stinging Scorpion can be fiercely possessive, and they require more attention than an Aquarian might be able to give. If Aquarius slows down and pays attention, they may find the devotion Scorpio provides to be a great support ... A gentle Scorpio lover, careful not to tether an Aquarius in too tightly, can teach their mate about a life based on emotional intuition, one that quiets the intellect sometimes in favor of physical sensation. Understanding Aquarians can teach their serious Scorpio mates to calm down, to detach themselves from uncontrollable situations and to reevaluate their goals if they get off course."

20 April 2006
"Talked to Anna on the phone for ages, can't remember what we talked about but it was good. things are so good between us now, so comfortable. we've had some weird patches. not so much rough but just like a slight clash of character. dunno. anyway. glad things are working out. really glad."

16 May 2006
"meeting anna at one at eden. can't wait, i'm gonna maul that girl."

x. I miss our Eden. We went there for a picnic once and it was lovely. I miss us going out for small adventures like that. Doing fun stuff together was really important to me, as well as just hanging out at home talking. I really hope that one day we can be like this again, if we're meant to be.

29 May 2006 After his trip to Melbourne
"hardly slept at all while we were over there, and i had a 7am start the day after we got back so i didn't get to have a proper sleep until two or three days later and i slept for 14 hours. it felt good but it wasn't enough i guess cos on friday at 5am i woke up feeling really ill and went to the bathroom only to spew my guts into the sink. nice one. took a bucket back to bed and spent the whole day there, sleeping fitfully or spewing. i had the weirdest feverdreams, i'm reading 1984 at the moment and for some reason when i was asleep everything was ingsoc and the thought police were trying to catch me while i contacted the underground freedom movement and the pains in my gut from the flu were some weird biochemical test on me. it was weird weird weird, cos it lasted the whole day. anna was there the whole time i was in bed, bringing me whatever i needed, just smiling and watching and making me feel safe. she stayed here six out seven night nights last week. full on. been spending so much time together. the littlest things she does make me smile, the way her body moves, her handwriting, her little dimples and pixie ears and cute little nose. mmmm. good feelings. it was good to have a day alone today though, i needed a bit of time out to relax and think. i spent a good couple of hours sitting on the balcony, watching the world and letting the thoughts tick over. apples got all psychologist on me today and made me think about my future, where i want to go, what i want to do. i found it hard to explain it to him, and i think he got the impression that i haven't thought about it, or that i'm really struggling to find direction or something. it was more that i've got a feeling, an emotion, a colour, a thought, a hope, a path for where i want my life to lead but i don't really have any material goals or objectives of how to get there; this made it really hard to convey with words and i couldn't answer him very well. i had a good think about it and i want happiness. comfort. security. adventure. excitement. love. friendship. but i also want the opposite of all of them. melancholy. distress. danger. monotony. boredom. hate. loneliness. without feeling the extreme polar opposite of something you can never truly appreciate it. i want to experience, and play, and learn. i want the good times and the bad times. i want to own my home and make money and have a family and children and grow old disgracefully and laugh and cry and grow wise while becoming senile and make my grandchildren laugh when i pull a stupid face at them and all sorts of good stuff that's associated with this warm and happy, hopeful yet vague feeling i get when i think of the future. i don't know exactly where the path ahead of me leads but i know i'm going to have the most amazing time following it, and i'll take the time to stop once in a while and have a look at the scenery, and think about how far i've come and where i'm yet to go. there's lots more to say yet but this will do for now."

x. That's the last that he wrote. Will we ever get back to that? I thought that moving out would be good so when we do come together it'll be out of the house and we'll be doing fun stuff together. Lately we've been just like housemates and not like a couple so doing things would fix that in my mind. Will he call me in the first week we're out of this house? If he doesn't then I'm going to have to approach him and tell him the first few lines of this entry and hope that he's honest with me. He might just need time to be himself and maybe one day we'll end up getting married and having children and a home to share. I would really like that but I'll just have to wait and see.

x. He said he was staying together with me for himself as well as me according to Sophie but I haven't seen much effort on his part lately. He's not here with me anymore. He's staying out all the time and I don't like the way he's making me feel. It's not fair. He knows it and knows I deserve better but he's not trying. Who is this guy? He's not the guy I loved. Will he ever come back?

Where did we go?

In a way it's already over. We've never done this kind of move before, moving into separate houses. When we first begun talking about this and were okay, we acted like a couple with less hugging and kissing than usual but now it's different. Not it seems like we've already broken up and I can't see him wanting to keep us going once we have our new living arrangements. I read this kind of journal he wrote in our first year and he wrote how he loved the way I made him feel and that ours was the best sex he had. I started to cry when I read that. I don't like the way we are. We're not talking about anything other than the house or minor things and it's him that's keeping us like this. He's been pulling away for days now, maybe even a week. I don't like it. I just want us to be happy and in love like we used to be. I'm not sure what's what anymore. I don't think he wants me anymore. I keep thinking of the amazing times we had in New Zealand and Vanuatu and I just want that us back. I don't know if we'll ever get back there though. Once we're moved out I need to ask him if he's ever cheated on me. Sara at work suggested something big might have happened to spark this realisation of his and that might be it. That might be why he's keeping his distance although I truly have no idea why he's doing what he's doing. I don't know what's happening anymore and I suspect I'll be single sometime in the next 2 weeks. Joy.

Is it over?

Oh he is a piece of work that boyfriend of mine. I just got this message:

Bailing on you again tonight. Tomorrow night we can have dinner and sort this out

So I replied:

I work tomorrow. I’m away Monday day/night with Uni. And Tuesday. Wednesday I have Margate dinner. You always do this! The funny thing is, after our chat I knew you wouldn’t come. It’s really unfair the way you treat me. I feel completely second rate. I deserve better from you. At least come home tonight. I have time in the day tomorrow to talk. I have a few options to discuss.

I wonder what he thinks of that. I hope he knows how shit he treats me and that it’s not cool. I want to say something like “I wonder why I thought tonight would be any different” but I might just leave it till I cool down a bit.

He sent this reply:

Tomorrow I have soccer then work. I’ve locked my keys in my car so relying on others for lifts tonight. I realise how bad I’ve been treating you, that’s that's half my argument because you do deserve better than what I can give you.

I’m glad he sees how crap he treats me. He’d better pick his act up and start treating me right. It feels to me like he's ready to just give up. This has all gone by so quickly and he hasn't given me any real answers. I might have to call Holly tonight. I have no idea where this came from. Why has it all gone down hill and why is he treating me like shit?

My reply:

We may as well just discuss this over text. I still want to be with you. I want us to hang out with each other and laugh and smile and kiss and hug and be intimate. I want you! What brought all of this on anyway? There has to be something that made you realise whatever you realised. Do you want space to drink yourself to near-death? What?

It's like I'm waiting for the death penalty or something, waiting for his reply. I feel it's bad but knowing what he wants is the key to this problem.

I just wrote: We could not live together so seeing each other would be fun and something we wanted again ... You can have space if you want, I just want to keep this relationship going because we've come so far together.

Somehow I'm not sure that will work.

He just wrote:

I want space to be myself. Sadly this is not at all a new idea to me, I've been thinking this off and on for quite a while. Had been waiting for some sort of more convenient timing but I've realised there is no such thing. I'm sorry to break your heart because you are such a beautiful person and I don't want you to be hurt but I can't be in a relationship any more. I can't stay just because breaking up hurts.

Me:

Thanks for finally finding the guts to tell me what you really think. It took you too long but its nice to know where we stand. I hope you realise one day you made a huge mistake. I don't know what to say. My heart is broken and I'm scared to be alone but I guess I have no choice. We should talk more in person. I know it has to end but not like this. After 4 years you owe me more than this as our last goodbye.

So I'm crying right now. This is horrible. I had the worst feeling it was coming to an end but I can't believe how sudden it was! Text messages is a bad way to have this conversation but at least it's happening and we can say exactly what we want. It doesn't feel real though.

Me: Can you please come home?

No reply as yet. We still have to discuss stuff about what to do with this house so it will be a gradual ending. I guess I'll go back to mum and dad's. I never thought I'd go back there to live. This was meant to be it! He was meant to be the rest of my life! I need for him to be here. I need for him to comfort me. We weren't meant to break up over text messages!

I'm calling him .................... He didn't pick up! I am a bit pathetic. I need for him to comfort me. I need to feel like there's some kind of normal around me. I need him home.

I tried to call and he cancelled it! He's such a coward. I called Holly instead and it was the best thing. She's my lifeline and I'm feeling more optimistic because of her. I just need to get some distance from this. We talked about how there have been signs that are making me realise I might not have been as happy as I thought I was. One sign is the Falls Festival bracelet I've been wearing for over 4 years, 05-60 New Year's Eve. It started to fray a week or two ago. That's my sign all right.

He finally replied: I might come home later tonight.

So I wrote:

It's okay, I've calmed down a bit. I had a chat to Holly. She made me feel better about it all yesterday and has again today. Do what you want. That is why you did this after all. You are officially free. We do need to talk about the house and shared items and stuff so let me know when you're ready for that. I really thought we'd be together forever. Silly me.

So that's it. We're done. 26th of February 2006 to the 10th of April 2010. 4 years and almost 2 months. We did well together for that long considering he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

I am going to plan my trip to the UK, something to look forward to. I'm going to take more photos and do some amazing things. I might even take a year off between the 2 years of Social Work. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I've stopped crying for the minute and that we're not together anymore. It was a good thing he stopped that call from happening because I was a wreck before talking to Holly.

It might be a while before we can talk because I have a busy few days coming up and he is busy tomorrow. I'm not sure if I want to see him tonight to figure out the details or whether to wait until later in the week. That might be torture though.

I kinda want my own room, to make it all pretty and have flowers and inspiring pictures on the wall. I will find the good out of this. I'll do all the things I've wanted to do but haven't made the time to do. I won't have to answer to anyone, not that he cared about that stuff, but being free might not be so bad. I knew it was coming. We hadn't been good in a while. I'll miss him, desperately, but I have to find the good.

I wrote:

If you can come home tonight that would be great. I'm not sure I want to wait too long before having a real chat. Please message me if you will or not. I can help pay for a taxi if you need. Otherwise maybe tomorrow at some stage, even after I finish work.

Talking to Holly was the best thing. I don't want to be crying. Now I am because I asked myself if it's real or not. It won't be real until I'm not living here anymore and we've sorted all the details out. I should go wash my face and watch some One Tree Hill now. Eat some of my now cold dinner.

I cleaned my face and am okay. I wrote to him:

I'm glad we 'talked' about this but I just wanted it to be in person. We owed that to each other. I care about that kind of stuff. Over-messaging I know.

I really don't want the masses to know. Now I have to find another dream. He was my dream. My dream guy. I wanted to make a family with him and a house and kids. I keep thinking he might realise in 6 months that he made a mistake and want me back. That might not happen though. Who knows. I reckon we'll be good friends though. It'll be a little awkward but I think once we sort the house stuff out over a few sessions it'll get easier not being in a relationship together. He's so handy though, proof reading my assignments [which I need done now!] and fixing my computer. Hopefully I'll be able to ask him about that kind of stuff later on. I just don't want him to be with anyone else. I don't want that blow. Please wait forever like I will.

I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be anywhere sympathetic. I don't want to leave the house but I don't want visitors. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. All I want is Yorick's company. That's all I want. The pain hasn't actually started until we're all sorted. I just want to be with him right now. I just want him home. I want his company. I want this breaking up time to go slowly but I want to be doing it together.

I called him and left a message on his voice mail begging him to hang out with me later tonight. I called Holly right before not knowing what to do and I'm heading down to her boat now. He sent me a message just now about getting back into his car after he thought he lost his keys. I hope he comes home later. It was a strange message to send to me. He's probably drunk.

Time to reassess

We had a big talk and I cried the whole time. He's been thinking for the last month or so how we're not working as well as we used to and he's been trying to save me getting hurt before telling me. It's all a bit of a blur but I just can't imagine life without him. Sure I can imagine it, but not how it would really be, and I don't want that. He's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, no doubt about it, and I don't want us to break up. I guess we haven't been happy like we used to be, spending time with each other, not just in the same house. He's out clearing his head before work and then he's going to bring back a tasty dinner and we might watch a movie together and eat lemon gelato up at the Signal Station.

We have had such a crappy week. Our relationship has sucked since last weekend. We've barely talked, haven't had any physical contact, but when he was telling me his thoughts and how he thinks we're not working at the moment he held me while I cried. When we hugged it felt so right to me. When we kissed it was a little strange. Tentative, not us. We kissed a bit more at the end before he left and it got better. Please don't let that be a sign.

He said if we broke up he's not sure if it would be the worst mistake of his life or the best thing for him. What about me? It would be the worst thing for me. I have missed him so much this week and didn't realise it until today. I hated not talking to him and all I want to do is be back to our best with him. I really miss him.

I said I'd do anything to make us work again, even if that means we don't live together. That way we'd come together and the time we spent with each other would be because we want to, not just because we live together. It does seem like we're taking our relationship for granted. I don't want this to end. I will not let it happen, not without a fight. I told him just that.

I asked him if he had talked to anyone about it and he said he talked to Gordo. He said that Gordo just listened and said Yorick has to do what is best for him. He has always had trouble expressing his thoughts and he said that today. He did well though but me and my sieve of a mind has forgotten exactly what he said. I know the gist all too well though.

When he was getting ready to go, I went downstairs before he could leave and I asked if he still loves me. He said of course he does. This whole thing is breaking my heart. I asked him a couple of times what we do from here and he said he doesn't know. He's not sure what to do next either. All I know is that I will try and do anything and everything in my power to keep us together and to make our relationship great again. What we need to do is work on us as a couple, spend time together talking and laughing and getting back to basics.

I'm trying to be strong. He thinks I'm strong and would be able to cope if we weren't together anymore. If, heaven forbid, we did break up, I hope he would realise his mistake and come back to me. Please don't let it come to that. I will never get over him, never, and there had better be no need for me to try. I'm so mixed up right now. I think positive in that we'll work this out, then I think completely negative and get upset thinking about what it we did break up and how soon would that be?

I don't want to be single again. I thought I was set for life. I don't want to be living life without him. I don't want anyone to know what we're going through. I want to keep pretending if it won't be okay. Oh, please, let it all be okay. I wonder how we will be tonight. I think we'll have a good night, unless he has been thinking about it and made decisions. I have to know if he's going to try too. I know he's not making any decisions any time soon but he's already started breaking my heart.

I asked if he was okay and he said no. I'm not okay either. I'm really not sure what will happen. Things aren't working as well as they used to and that might be the reason he has to let us go. Can we come back from this?

Very very sad

I am completely sad right now.

I have no money. I will barely have enough to last me till next pay-day.

I don't have enough time to do all my homework and there is a tonne to do.

Crying makes my head hurt...

I don't know how to make this okay.

I was meant to be heading to my flute lesson but I don't have enough money for that.

I need to spend this time doing homework.

I hope I don't crack my being in two.

Once I start having less expenses, I'm going to save so hard.

I will NEVER be left with nothing again.

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