The ending

I stayed at Margate last night. After Holly's I met Sarah and we went to the gig. I was so tired from an extremely emotional day and went home for 1130. I talked to dad and got a bit upset. Whenever I talk to someone I have a little cry then get to the other side.

At Holly's, we did my tarot and it was spot on about making the decision to end things with Yorick, how I'm feeling either sad or positive and that change is happening. There was something about creativeness and planning something, which is the UK trip with Sarah, and it was really good.

This morning I had a bit chat to mum and she said Yorick must have been struggling because he didn't want to tell me things weren't going well and didn't want to hurt me. She said that his actions were saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that he had made up his own mind about not wanting to continue with us but he didn't vocalise it. When I caught up with it and said I didn't want to keep going as things weren't working it was probably a relief for him but he must have already know that's what he wanted.

Mum said he loved me and that's why he was struggling and didn't want to hurt me but he's not in the right place for us. Because he loved me he was struggling. She thinks he might have run scared because things were too serious, like seeing my reaction to James and Georgie having a baby, thinking I might want that too, and I do, just not yet.

He's not going to talk to anyone about it much but Sophie will try. I am so up and down, crying, then positive. It's hard being alone. I am so stressed with this and cleaning and homework and working.

Mum and I talked about Uni and how I'm not so happy with the way things are going only because of my bad mark. We discussed anthropology and archaeology for an option if social work doesn't fit. We also talked about the UK trip and going for a year or something and working there, seeing the family, and traveling. I'm glad that's the plan. It all depends on how I go this semester with that one subject (301) and I'll probably take the year off anyway, maybe, and head over to the UK.

I'm here to get all my clothes sorted and then dad and James are coming over at 1130ish to get the rest of my stuff. I'll head back after that probably and not stick around for Yorick because he might not even come back and I have work tonight and homework to do. I'd like it if we can clean together tomorrow and do it together, the ending, so I'll see how that goes. I have work tomorrow night too and homework and so much going on. It's all so hard.

I'm lost. Dad said how maturely I'm taking this and I am. I'm on and off crying. I'll stay at home for a while in the big house closer to them. Warmer and more like I'm back in the nest. I'll be heading to Sophie's on Monday so we can have a bit chat about it and hopefully she has some news for me about Yorick. I have my sister too as she doesn't want to be alone either. I'd better go do some packing.