He came home yesterday when I was talking to Sophie on the phone about the whole situation. He sat on the couch tired from work and didn't say much. He was being an ass. I said "I need to talk to you" and said some stuff about how it wasn't working and bumbled something about how I didn't like the way things were going, I can't remember it exactly, but then I gave him the letter. He read it but didn't say anything, might have mumbled an "okay, whatever". I asked him something, maybe if that was okay or something, and he said yes. Then I got mad and said "fine, we're done. You made it so easy" or something. He was such an ass. We sat there for about half an hour not saying anything and then we finally got into some sitting-on-the-couch-watching-TV talk. I asked what something was and he'd reply and soon enough it was like nothing had changed. We were being the friends side of our relationship, which I believe will stay on, even though were not together anymore and it was nice. I had messaged Holly and Sophie about it and Holly suggested I go and make it sink in for him but I think there's plenty of time for that. Last night was our last night in the house together sleeping that is, which is sad in itself, but I felt no need to storm off. I'm not that type of person for starters. We shared some hot chips and watched Top Gear then the Big Bang Theory then Peep Show. After that we went to bed. After a while I asked him why he stopped trying and after 2 seconds he said he doesn't know. Sophie's down this weekend so she'll try and get something out of him, like why he's unhappy with himself and why he's drinking so much and why he stopped trying, so hopefully I'll get some answers because he won't talk to me about it. This afternoon he and Steve are going to move the heavy stuff of his. Then I guess we'll meet up for cleaning over the weekend.
I want one last hug from him. I believe that we'll stay friends and will be civil, maybe even hang out sometimes. I don't want him to be out of my life completely. I won't go to Zum this Monday but maybe I will the following week and see how he is and get a muffin and hot chocolate. Knowing we'll still be friends makes this easier to deal with because ripping someone out of your life cold turkey hurts the worst. I know we can't be together anymore and it's easy to deal with because of how he's been in the last few days and knowing we need to be ourselves, but I will still miss him and who we were together. I hate thinking about all the wonderful things we did together, which mainly manifest themselves in the holidays we took together, but I'll try not to dwell on that too much. I think it'll hit me hardest next week once I'm back at Margate.
I really wish he'd talk to me about it. I find that the hardest right now. I want to be able to talk it over with him, reminisce about the great times we had and talk about how he's feeling, but I know we won't. I guess I'll just have to accept that, hard as it will be. Hopefully Sophie can give me some answers. In bed last night we touched a few times, arms or legs, and I wished he would snuggle me. I miss that a lot. Trying not to cry. At some stage he'll have a go at fixing my computer, sooner rather than later, so that will be an excuse to see him and ease him out of my life. 4 years is a long time. It's easier because us as great isn't fresh in my mind. It still hurts though. I reckon I'll get back into bed and watch some One Tree Hill. He got up for work this early and I went to the toilet and he said "you're up early". It was my excuse to pee as well as say goodbye to him for the day. He wouldn't have otherwise. He would have just slipped out of the house. We used to say goodbye and goodnight. Things have definitely changed. I sure will miss the best of us.
26 February 2006 to 6 May 2010 -- 4 years, 3 months and 10 days.
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