x. He's not the guy I fell in love with
x. The guy he is now is not the guy I want to marry
x. He doesn't want me anymore
x. I'm not getting what I want
x. It feels like it's over
x. I don't want to wait anymore
x. I want to be myself
x. I'll miss us and our ideal future together
I don't see how things are going to get better from here. He's being mean in the way he talks to me, short and avoiding, and he's never here anymore. He doesn't have much stuff left to move. I've been reading the journal he wrote a few entries in when we were beginning and it makes me sad. The way he used to write about me was beautiful but I don't think that exists in him anymore. I'm going to miss him so much but I'll know there's someone else out there for me who will love me the way I want them to. I'm not sure Yorick loves me anymore. They have just become words.
In the first entry he wrote about me he said "I'm fully hooked, she's addictive stuff. She's smart and funny and sexy and I feel I can just be myself with her ... Anna accepts me for who I am, and when she looks into my eyes that way she does it's as though she can see my soul. There's something about her -- it's like an inner beauty and honesty that's so pure it almost hurts to look at. I dunno, I can't help but smile when I look at her. I think she's been hurt pretty badly in the past but she isn't ready to talk about it so I'm not going to push the issue. We had sex last night for the first time and halfway through she broke down in tears. I wish she felt comfortable enough to talk about it but she didn't, so I just held her. I was really drunk which didn't help the situation any. Oh well, I'm sure she'll talk about it when she's ready. This girl understands me so well it's amazing. Every time I think I've made a critical mistake and fucked things up she's there. Hopefully she's a stayer."
x. He used to care when I cried
x. I want to stay with him but I think he's given up. We're not the same couple we used to be. I miss us. I miss our beginning.
This is the second entry.
"Hesitation & doubt plague me. Why didn't I call tonight? Why didn't she email? I saw her MSN name. 'You read my eyes like your diary'. What does she mean by my diary? Is it even about me? Probably not. I love her eyes though. God, I don't know what it is. And her smile. I know that one, it's such a truly happy and honest smile. No pretend smiles, they only happen when it's the real deal ... was it the ecstasy? Do I really like her this much? Does she like me? Is the timing wrong? We don't even have that much in common. We're completely different people. But I can't help it, I'm so attracted to her. And fascinated. I think that's part of it, she's so damned interesting. And the way she just looks at everything differently. I can't explain it but its so beautiful and different and I burn to know more. I hope she lets me have the opportunity. There's so much to her that she doesn't let on. I have to let her know I can see that."
x. I wish I could see myself like that. All I think of myself these days is that I'm not pretty, I have bad skin, and I need to lose weight. I'm a size 10/12 so I'm not doing that bad but I'd like to look outwardly better to feel better about myself on the inside.
x. I loved the process of meshing with him. I would love to be able to talk like that now. Maybe we weren't right for each other but we grew together and now we're growing apart. I have to ask him if he cheated. That might explain things.
A small poem.
"The smallest thing can
mean the most. A look, a touch,
a smile on your lips."
Something that makes me sad.
"She makes me so happy. Look at her over there, so cute & innocent. I don't deserve this, she can do better but I'm glad things are sort of working out. She cried again this morning, all I can do it hold her and reassure her but I need to be in her head space. She said she was wasting my time -- as if! Every moment I spend with her is cherished ... She was so happy last night. It made me happy to see. Hmm. Wow. What a girl. Hopefully her issues don't cause too many problems cos I can see myself with this girl for a while. I love the 'no labels' framework -- even though it's much the same as if we're 'going out', it just makes everything seem less complicate & way less scary. It's cool, we just hang out as though we're really good friends that make out & stuff. I love it, I feel so comfortable around her. She looks absolutely gorgeous from here."
x. It's sad that life gets in the way and you get more and more comfortable with someone that you don't do all the little things like cherishing someone and watching them. I miss this version of him.
"Work is getting to me; working so many short shifts all the time means its a constant part of my life, not just something I do a couple of days a week. It's the opposite with Anna, the precious time we spend together never seems to last ... I'm really having fun with Anna, it's cool how we just hang out and be stupid most of the time but we can still deal with the big issues when they come along. She's an amazing girl and I love the way she makes me feel. The only problem is, I think I sometimes bore her; she always wants to do 'things' and that's really great but I'd like for us to be able to sometimes relax and just do nothing, talk about whatever comes into our heads. We've been doing that a bit more of that recently especially when we're snuggling in bed, like after sex or whenever. Speaking of which, the sex is great, probably the best I've had, and she's said similar sorts of things, which makes me feel really good ... It's so strange. Neither of us were looking for this. She's not the girl I would've pictured myself with, and I'm probably not her 'ideal guy', but it seems to work so I guess just go with it."
x. I want to know what kind of girl he did picture himself with if it wasn't me. Truth be told I thought I'd be with someone who had stunning looks [in my eyes] and he did turn out to be someone I loved the look of. I love his walk and all of his old clothes. I love our history and that's why it's making me so sad. This version of us is hiding and might not ever resurface. I'm devastated about that.
x. This is all he wrote in his written journal.
Some stuff from his Live Journal. 17 April 2006
"Talking to Anna on msn cheered me up, as it always does ... we decided to go to the movie marathon that night. 'V For Vendetta', 'Final Destination 3', and 'Firewall' ... Anna gave me a call; her Mum couldn't give her a lift so I went and picked her up from her place. Jimmy was there which was good, we talked about soccer which was a good icebreaker. I met her Dad as well, which is good, I've got the Meet-The-Parents out of the way now. I made some lamearse joke about bringing her home alive, I don't think they caught the sarcasm, but oh well. We went and got pizza from La Bella, and heaps of munchyfood from the servo. gummi rings, jellybeans, a bag of chips, 4 redbulls, a fruitbox, a bag of M&MS and 2 packs of lifesavers. Then we came back to up to my place and got the green blanket. Anna got her bag searched when we went in, but she's a pro, and we only had to give them two cans of redbull. It was probably the most fun I've had at the movies, we were at eye-level, dead center, in the only double-seat. Everyone else was behind us as well, so it felt like we had the whole place to ourselves ... All in all it was a great evening, snuggling under the blanket and stuffing our faces with junk food. We slept in til 2pm today and then got chips & gravy for lunch. Not enough this time. Too much last time. We'll get it right next time."
x. I loved that night. It was the best fun. I miss us how we used to be so much. We used to have fun and talk to each other and take amazing trips to New Zealand and Vanuatu and camping trips. Going out for dinner was always fun. I called them dates. Oh God I miss us.
18 April 2006 Horoscopes
Aquarius seems an odd choice for the more introverted Scorpio. Aquarius needs a crowd to feel stimulated, and they're always looking around the room for the next interesting person to get to know. Scorpio, on the other hand, desires engaging, probing and very intimate time with their romantic mates. This pair may seem to have very little in common, but they both have such strong wills that, when focused on their relationship, can get them what they need and want ... Aquarius does not welcome possessiveness, either, preferring to belong to the world rather than one single person. But a stinging Scorpion can be fiercely possessive, and they require more attention than an Aquarian might be able to give. If Aquarius slows down and pays attention, they may find the devotion Scorpio provides to be a great support ... A gentle Scorpio lover, careful not to tether an Aquarius in too tightly, can teach their mate about a life based on emotional intuition, one that quiets the intellect sometimes in favor of physical sensation. Understanding Aquarians can teach their serious Scorpio mates to calm down, to detach themselves from uncontrollable situations and to reevaluate their goals if they get off course."
20 April 2006
"Talked to Anna on the phone for ages, can't remember what we talked about but it was good. things are so good between us now, so comfortable. we've had some weird patches. not so much rough but just like a slight clash of character. dunno. anyway. glad things are working out. really glad."
16 May 2006
"meeting anna at one at eden. can't wait, i'm gonna maul that girl."
x. I miss our Eden. We went there for a picnic once and it was lovely. I miss us going out for small adventures like that. Doing fun stuff together was really important to me, as well as just hanging out at home talking. I really hope that one day we can be like this again, if we're meant to be.
29 May 2006 After his trip to Melbourne
"hardly slept at all while we were over there, and i had a 7am start the day after we got back so i didn't get to have a proper sleep until two or three days later and i slept for 14 hours. it felt good but it wasn't enough i guess cos on friday at 5am i woke up feeling really ill and went to the bathroom only to spew my guts into the sink. nice one. took a bucket back to bed and spent the whole day there, sleeping fitfully or spewing. i had the weirdest feverdreams, i'm reading 1984 at the moment and for some reason when i was asleep everything was ingsoc and the thought police were trying to catch me while i contacted the underground freedom movement and the pains in my gut from the flu were some weird biochemical test on me. it was weird weird weird, cos it lasted the whole day. anna was there the whole time i was in bed, bringing me whatever i needed, just smiling and watching and making me feel safe. she stayed here six out seven night nights last week. full on. been spending so much time together. the littlest things she does make me smile, the way her body moves, her handwriting, her little dimples and pixie ears and cute little nose. mmmm. good feelings. it was good to have a day alone today though, i needed a bit of time out to relax and think. i spent a good couple of hours sitting on the balcony, watching the world and letting the thoughts tick over. apples got all psychologist on me today and made me think about my future, where i want to go, what i want to do. i found it hard to explain it to him, and i think he got the impression that i haven't thought about it, or that i'm really struggling to find direction or something. it was more that i've got a feeling, an emotion, a colour, a thought, a hope, a path for where i want my life to lead but i don't really have any material goals or objectives of how to get there; this made it really hard to convey with words and i couldn't answer him very well. i had a good think about it and i want happiness. comfort. security. adventure. excitement. love. friendship. but i also want the opposite of all of them. melancholy. distress. danger. monotony. boredom. hate. loneliness. without feeling the extreme polar opposite of something you can never truly appreciate it. i want to experience, and play, and learn. i want the good times and the bad times. i want to own my home and make money and have a family and children and grow old disgracefully and laugh and cry and grow wise while becoming senile and make my grandchildren laugh when i pull a stupid face at them and all sorts of good stuff that's associated with this warm and happy, hopeful yet vague feeling i get when i think of the future. i don't know exactly where the path ahead of me leads but i know i'm going to have the most amazing time following it, and i'll take the time to stop once in a while and have a look at the scenery, and think about how far i've come and where i'm yet to go. there's lots more to say yet but this will do for now."
x. That's the last that he wrote. Will we ever get back to that? I thought that moving out would be good so when we do come together it'll be out of the house and we'll be doing fun stuff together. Lately we've been just like housemates and not like a couple so doing things would fix that in my mind. Will he call me in the first week we're out of this house? If he doesn't then I'm going to have to approach him and tell him the first few lines of this entry and hope that he's honest with me. He might just need time to be himself and maybe one day we'll end up getting married and having children and a home to share. I would really like that but I'll just have to wait and see.
x. He said he was staying together with me for himself as well as me according to Sophie but I haven't seen much effort on his part lately. He's not here with me anymore. He's staying out all the time and I don't like the way he's making me feel. It's not fair. He knows it and knows I deserve better but he's not trying. Who is this guy? He's not the guy I loved. Will he ever come back?
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