Yorick finally wrote back to my email and I’m not sure quite what I’m feeling. I’m crying but I now understand his side of things, which makes me happy, but what he wrote also makes me sad. Here it is:
“I think we broke up because we grew apart and wanted different things from life that we couldn’t give each other. Please don’t doubt that what we had was beautiful, because it was. We made each other happy for a long time. For me it feels like that towards the end we had totally different priorities, interests and pleasures, and although we tried to make it work for a while (even before either of us consciously realised this) we were basically just keeping up appearances of a happy contented couple. We didn’t spend much time together apart from happenstance at home, because there weren’t many things that we wanted to do together.
I’m a very social person and that made it hard for me when there were fun things happening involving people we both know and you would mostly prefer to either show up briefly or not go at all, when my call would be to stay for the duration. You’ve said several times during all this that I’m not the person you fell in love with and that I didn’t treat you the same as I used to, but it’s a double-edged sword. If you recall our early days, you’ll remember that we used to go out a lot, to parties, venues etc and have a lot of fun. That became a less and less frequent occurrence later in our relationship, and I guess I gave up on the idea of us going out together because it stopped happening. That started to create a dichotomy in my personal life because I’d go to something and people would ask “Where’s Anna tonight?” My reply would be something like “She’s just staying at home”. After a while most people stopped asking and then on the nights you did come out I would have this whole other things happening and you didn’t quite slot into it anymore. You would always be a priority for me when you did come out and I’d try to give you my attention and time but a lot of the time that was a conflict of interest. As for staying home, once again I think we just didn’t have that many common interests any more. We could always watch a movie, but that’s a pretty bland starting point. I found that a lot of the time we had nothing to talk about except general day-to-day stuff of what we’d been doing.
You were never a crappy girlfriend, you always loved and cared for me so much. I guess things just change. Of course I care about and for you, how could I not? It hasn’t been an easy adjustment and I still miss you and think about you a lot. I was actually thinking about you as I was driving home right before I first got your email. I guess the truth is that it hurts to think about losing you, even though it was my actions that caused it, and I’m just trying to get on with life now that we’re not together anymore. You will always be my first true love and hold a special place in my heart. Sometimes I find myself wishing we’ll get back together, but I know that we aren’t in the right place for each other. Who knows what the future will bring for either of us, but I’m sure we’ll both end up happy, because we’re both good and loving people, and we both deserve it. I hope this has helped you get an insight into my thoughts. It’s helped me sort it all out in my head as well by getting it all down. Love always.”
I’m so happy he wrote to me but I’m sad about it all too. I love that he thinks about me because not a day has gone by when I don’t think of him. I love that he has also though about us getting back together but I too know that we’re not in the right place for each other. I didn’t know that we’d drifted apart though. I guess I can’t see that yet but it makes me sad and upon reflection I suppose it makes sense.
I didn’t fit into his world anymore. I can’t remember what we used to talk about in the beginning. I know it was a lot deeper than we had done before the end but when our fire was burning out I found it hard to talk to him as it seemed like his heart wasn’t in it. If people looked at our actions they would have known something was up before we did, and I think that’s the case.
I am so glad he wrote back. I half thought he was ignoring me, happy to be rid of me as I have never known the other side of a break up, and half thought that he was choosing his words and figuring things out. I guess I was expecting the worst because of his new lifestyle. I really want to see him right now and hug and chat some more. Maybe we can catch up tomorrow. I have to think about what to reply to him.
I wrote this last night, crying all the way through, and am now reflecting up on whilst preparing to send it to him. My eyes are all puffy. Bother.
“Thank you so much for getting back to me. It means so much to me to know your thoughts and take on what happened. I wrote most of this last night but wanted to sleep on it before sending my reply to you. I’m glad you still care about me and that you think about me too because I think about you everyday, trying to work this all out, and knowing that you’re having a hard time with it also makes it easier. Not knowing your thoughts made me think that you might be glad to be rid of me or something. After the 2 other break ups I’ve had I never knew what the other was thinking or feeling so I assumed that they were fine about it as if I were erased form their memory so it’s really nice to know that you’re going through similar things. It’s not nice that we have to go through this but I guess you’re right, we did grow apart, and as such we need to go our separate ways and find out who we are and what we want because I’m not sure who I am anymore.
I wish we had discussed it at the time, the growing apart, so we could have done something about it. Then again, things probably turned out for the best. I hated that we weren’t hanging out and always wished we were doing more fun things and going on outings together. I guess we both had different priorities when it came to having fun because for you that usually involved your friends or parties when I would have preferred just to spend time with you alone. I suppose you’re right about our beginning and me changing to being less party girl than I might have been. I just got over the drinking and parties and wasn’t allowing myself to be spontaneous and do what I wanted when I did go to a party because I was always thinking about how I’d get home, especially since you would, as you said, want to stay for the duration. Drinking doesn’t really interest me much and towards the end that’s all you wanted to do, or it was a lot of what you did, and that seemed to cement our ending more. Couples don’t have to do the same things or like the same things but when those things are a big part of their lives it makes it hard to combine them to find a satisfying compromise. That’s probably part of our result. Things might have worked out if we were more similar but whatever the result I’m glad we were together for the time we were. It meant so much to me. I think we worked well when we were both living at our parents’ places or when you were at
It felt like we were housemates towards the end. I think that’s part of what makes it easy to be friends with you now because we were getting good practice at it and didn’t even know it. It made me so sad in the last few months that you were never home as it felt like you didn’t want to hang out with me and I missed you so much. I miss calling out to you from upstairs when you were downstairs and all our quirky lines and names and having you there next to me in bed. I miss making meals with you, or rather watching you make meals for us :D And I really miss hugging you. I need one of your great big hugs right now but you feel so far away in so many ways. Plus it’s probably not appropriate. I haven’t been crying-upset since the weekend we moved out until now. I’ve been doing really well, trying to be positive and optimistic (about the future) and adult about it, telling myself that it’s for the best because we didn’t fit right in the end. Now (last night) I’m crying because I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s lost something and am adjusting to a different life. I really thought you didn’t care and that you weren’t affected by it, maybe because you have a hip hop happening life in your new house with your new housemates and all the fun social things going on. It’s really nice to know your side because I forgot that you are a wonderful person and that you wouldn’t just move on like nothing had happened.
I miss who we were when we were great and I’m sad because that doesn’t exist anymore. We had some great times together and I will always treasure our relationship. Thanks again for replying. Knowing why things didn’t work out and that you’re struggling too makes it easier to deal with and accept. Maybe we can catch up for lunch one time this week or next. Love always too.”
I feel much better having replied and sorted it all out with him. Now I know why we didn't work out and as I wrote to him I can now accept it as it makes much more sense. I am usually pretty good with staying optimistic and positive about the future and now I can remember this conversation when I think he's forgotten about me or when I miss him.
Last night when I had first read this and was writing my reply, I went down for hugs with mum and dad and we had a bit chat about it all. Mum said that I'm honest and that I get my need to deal with something completely before moving on from her. I like that that's my process because I'm more whole afterwards. We talked about my future and what I'm good at and that we need to write that stuff down and find an appropriate job that corresponds to what I'm good at and my personality. I might do something to do with museums or an art gallery. She'll come with me to the career counselor as I always forget what to say. It's hard not having much going on in my life. I'm a lost soul, in limbo, and am not moving forward in some regards. I want to be saving towards my UK trip but can't because I don't have much work. It's hard. I'll get there in the end though.
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