I don't feel so great. I went out on Friday night to Maddy's party and am still recovering for two main reasons. Being hungover and Yorick. I'll start from the beginning.
Friday night I had dinner at home, then got a message from Holly about having a few drinks at her place before heading to the party. I went there for 730pm and we chatted, then were joined by Andi. We had a great time there chatting away, and for about 10pm or something we went up to the party. Yorick was there but he had already consumed so much alcohol that all he was doing was sitting on the couch looking stoned or something, really sleepy, so it wasn't that's great to see him. We waved and said "hi, how are you" to each other like we were simply acquaintances and that was that. He was there with one of his flatmates and some other girl, who I talked to briefly at the toilet line and I think she's down from Brisbane. Holly and I sat in front of him and were chatting away and he might have been jealous but I'm not sure why. Oh the jealous game. How silly. On the boat I had finished off my 4 mini champagnes and had some punch at the party. I didn't need to keep drinking but I did.
I saw Apples at one point and said hi briefly and he was happy to see me. Later on we chatted more. I said to him how I'm fine but was a bit too drunk at that point to be having the conversation so I went on and on about how I'm worried about Yorick and if he can take care of him because he hasn't grown as a person in the last 4 years when all his friends around him have. For some reason I kept wiping away tears, although I didn't know I was crying. I asked Apples if he has been with anyone since we split up and he said he has "kissed" someone and at the time I was okay with that. A girl at work said that was code for having slept with someone. I was upset about the kissing part yesterday but of course he has slept with someone. I hope he feels totally crappy about it. I have a feeling it might be Dani but I'm not sure. I have no idea. It's hard trying to picture it. Is he going to keep f-ing this person or what? I don't know. I shouldn't think about it. Anyway, Apples took me away from the party to talk more, or comfort me as I was crying. I feel like I embarrassed myself and let on too much about how I'm going, even though I'm fine but I don't want Yorick to know I cried or asked about who he's been with. Bad move Anna. He'll totally pass it on. Damn it. I mostly went on about how I'm worried about Yorick but kinda want to clarify it to Apples. Hrm.
After hanging around and doing party stuff for a while, it came to the end of the night for me. I was talking to this guy about stuff I can't remember, and I hope Yorick watched. He was sitting in the perfect position. Then I went to Andi because we were going to head off soon and I asked if I should say bye to Yorick. I did that, and gave him a kiss on the cheek, said something about lunch and having some NZ photos he might like [bungy and the DVD] then headed off. I went and stayed at Sarah's place down the road. I think I got there at 230am and we chatted and stuff, went and moved my car. Saturday was okay. I didn't feel 100% and still don't and had a few cries about Yorick having "moved on" with someone else. It's worse now knowing he's probably had sex with this person but I knew once I knew it would be hard at first but it would ultimately get me closer to being over it. I don't know how lunch is going to go with him. I never want to be around him drunk again, it's such a waste. I have to keep reminding myself that he's not the guy for me. He's not and that's okay. I'm doing so well with everything I keep surprising people. Sometimes I feel like I should be feeling worse but maybe that's a sign that it's not meant to be.
I hope that he feels crappy about having "moved on" with someone else. I don't know how guys can move on so fast. I guess it's a help-them-get-over-it type of thing, to ease memories they don't want to have all the time. I'm not like that. I'm going to wait ages because that's me and I want it to mean something. I'm sick of wasting time with the wrong guys although it is good to learn about what I do and don't want in relationships. I don't see the point in having a fling with a guy. It would only make me feel slutty and I know I'd cry because it wouldn't be Yorick. It's complicated but just me.
I want to write to Apples and let him know I didn't realise I was crying and that I'm not that messed up. Maybe that it was stupid of me to ask if he's been with anyone and try to make it seem like I'm really cool about it. Too much drinking got me talking too much.
I don't know what I feel anymore. I know I feel physically crappy but I'm not sure about the whole Yorick thing anymore. It'll probably be really awkward when we next hang out to catch up. I don't what Apples to tell him all the stuff I said, but he might like it. Holly told me that Yorick had asked about me one night last week or something, how I was doing. It took her by surprise, she said. She said I was fine. It's nice that he asks. Apples will probably talk to him about it. Arr. I'm not crying to day. I'm in a bit of a funk but it's party because I'm feeling crappy. Knowing that he's been with someone else will make things easier. Just got to keep remind myself that he's not the man for me and that that's okay.
In other news, I have churned through the 6th season of Will & Grace in 3 days. There are only 2 season to go but I have to wait until next Wednesday before I can get the next one [possibly both if I have enough money] and it's painful. It always makes me laugh, or at least smile on the inside, and I'm glad for it. It's nice having new things to look forward to. I'm back to Gilmore Girls now. An old time classic.
Holly told me not to send the message so I didn't. She said just let it be and to stop listening to others [like Sara at work I presume]. She said that I should let Yorick go as he's not my problem anymore and I'm only hurting myself. I'll work on that. Now I know he's most likely been with someone I can let him go more. It's all a long drawn out process for me when dealing with a break-up. It has to be so I can deal with it all there and then, not down the track. I hate that I made a fool of myself in front of Apples though. He messaged me the next day hoping I was okay and I said thanks so much. I'll try to put it out of my mind. I really care for Yorick so I want to catch up with him for lunch this week but I am also anxious about it because of the party and us both trying to move on and deal with not having each other in our lives the way we used to be. I'm worried about him, I truly am, and that's why I want to see him, not to let him know that but to see how he is. It'll just be hard, that's all. Enough of this.
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