His ghost is still here

I miss having someone to spend time with. Yorick was always there and I'm finding it hard to get used to him not being there anymore. I'm a relationship person. I want someone to fill out my life but first I have to get used to being alone and being independent. I need to figure out who I am without a partner so I can be more whole when I do meet someone. I don't want to lose myself again and make everything depend on him. That's not healthy and has always been my downfall. I'll do better next time. Next time he'll be my forever guy, I just know it.

He messaged me yesterday asking about a phone number for an old landlord we had. I didn't have it but I asked him to hang out next week sometime and he said he'd message me then. On one of the messages he had a 'x' aka a kiss at the end but I didn't do that on mine. That will get me into trouble. I'm not sure why he did that. I know he won't but if he ever asked for me back I know it wouldn't work. We'd get comfy again and I would get confirmation that we were right to end things after all. In a twisted way, I'd like to do that just so I can concrete that knowledge to make things easier to get over. I'm doing well but it's like there's a ghost of where he should be as I still expect him to be there, sort of. I miss having him/someone there. Seeing him for dinner those two times has been nice. It feels like nothing has changed and it feels normal as we hadn't been a couple in ages. I miss being a couple with him. I miss holding hands and being intimate. Thinking about that gets me looking forward to meeting my forever guy and having that first kiss with him. That will be magical.

I'm going to ask for more night shifts at work once Alison is back. Hopefully then I'll be able to save more money until I can get another job once things pick up after Winter. Things are slowing down and I probably won't get another job anywhere until September, like Dymocks said. That's okay I suppose. It will have to be. I will try and sell my button earrings once I'm all set and ready to go so hopefully that will get me more money to save. I want to save as much as I can! It's always hard getting started but I know I can do it.