His ghost is still here

I miss having someone to spend time with. Yorick was always there and I'm finding it hard to get used to him not being there anymore. I'm a relationship person. I want someone to fill out my life but first I have to get used to being alone and being independent. I need to figure out who I am without a partner so I can be more whole when I do meet someone. I don't want to lose myself again and make everything depend on him. That's not healthy and has always been my downfall. I'll do better next time. Next time he'll be my forever guy, I just know it.

He messaged me yesterday asking about a phone number for an old landlord we had. I didn't have it but I asked him to hang out next week sometime and he said he'd message me then. On one of the messages he had a 'x' aka a kiss at the end but I didn't do that on mine. That will get me into trouble. I'm not sure why he did that. I know he won't but if he ever asked for me back I know it wouldn't work. We'd get comfy again and I would get confirmation that we were right to end things after all. In a twisted way, I'd like to do that just so I can concrete that knowledge to make things easier to get over. I'm doing well but it's like there's a ghost of where he should be as I still expect him to be there, sort of. I miss having him/someone there. Seeing him for dinner those two times has been nice. It feels like nothing has changed and it feels normal as we hadn't been a couple in ages. I miss being a couple with him. I miss holding hands and being intimate. Thinking about that gets me looking forward to meeting my forever guy and having that first kiss with him. That will be magical.

I'm going to ask for more night shifts at work once Alison is back. Hopefully then I'll be able to save more money until I can get another job once things pick up after Winter. Things are slowing down and I probably won't get another job anywhere until September, like Dymocks said. That's okay I suppose. It will have to be. I will try and sell my button earrings once I'm all set and ready to go so hopefully that will get me more money to save. I want to save as much as I can! It's always hard getting started but I know I can do it.

Something of my very own

My blocked ear won't go away and it is particularly bad today. I can't hear much out of it [the right one] and it's annoying me like crazy. It's been funny for maybe 5 days now, mostly at night and in the morning when I'm in bed. I can usually maneuver it to clear it but today it's not working. I've been putting ear drops in but it's still blocked. I'm mad about it.

In good news, my size 20 [12mm] buttons to cover arrived in the mail today from Etsy. I'm so happy. Holly suggested I source my fabric from there as well but it's so hard to find one-colour fabrics and I don't know what the fabric I like is called. I might have to ask for more help there. I also need to get some glue and then I can start making these earrings. I was at Holly's yesterday and she said I should write all of my ideas down in a notebook to keep and look back on when I get lost in my crafting. I have the perfect book. I got it to make a manga in but that will never happen. I spoke before about levels of creativity and how putting these buttons together is way different than creating my own manga. The latter is too hard for me as I'm not that creative. I know I can do the former though. I'm excited about it. The size 24 [15mm] buttons should arive by Friday.

Holly cut my hair yesterday. It's fine. I generally don't like my hair as it's too thick and never sits right. I tried to straighen it last night but it wasn't working for me. I needed to spend heaps more time standing there straightning away but didn't. I'm glad I have my fringe back though. It's a really short one but it'll grow and it's not getting in my way anymore. I'm pleased about that.

I might go and get that book so I can start gathering pictures of the covering buttons process from the internet and recording my ideas down. I didn't even think to do something like this! I can put fabric pieces in there too! I'm so glad I have this now.

I gave blood yesterday. My arm is doing good. It hurts more where they prick your finger to test iron levels aka hemoglobin. I like feeling like an invilid after I've given blood. I feel special. It's a nice feeling.

I had a dream about Dom a few nights ago. We were always standing very close together, touching arms, but we never kissed. I knew it wouldn't be right because I'd just want to kiss him to see how it felt because I like him a little. He has a girlfriend and I'm not about to muck that up. If that happened to me with Yorick I would be so mad. When we talk we're always smiling so it makes me think it's something more even though I know it won't be. He's not the guy I see myself with, looks-wise, and I think he's a bit younger so that's another cross. I think he's a great guy. In my dream I knew we couldn't kiss. I have fantasised about it a little but I know it's wrong. It makes me think about how much I want to have that first kiss with someone special sometime in the future, hopefully in the UK. I want to get to know him and feel that spark and energy and then the first kiss will happen. It'll be magical. I can't wait for that. In the mean time I will craft.