What an emotional 24 hours!

Wow. What a horrible few days. I was upset yesterday because JD was gone and I couldn't quite understand why I was feeling so down and sad and like I couldn't do anything to fix it. I called Holly and we had a good chat about it. She told me to take a deep breath and I was feeling better, until the evening. So I was meant to be doing homework all day, not that I did. I went for a walk in the Queen Victoria Gardens and sat down and tried to rest my eyes. From all the crying I had done that morning they were so hard to keep open. I listened to some music then went to meet Jess at 430pm at the Southern Cross Station DFO. We had a chat about it and she said she had heard some things about JD from Kate and Beth but hadn't actually met him. Holly said he must be nice because he has been texting me and said sorry that we didn't meet up. Back to that point later. So Jess and I went and met up with the Perth girls for a drink. They were with some of the other boys from the party, including Mark, but no JD. It was okay. I felt a little funny but I wasn't asked about anything. Then I went to go to the Washington concert and after about half an hour I had another breakdown, a worse one. I couldn't stop crying and had to get out of there and I called Holly again. I was struggling because I didn't want to be alone and didn't know what to do about anything. She said for me to call Jess and go to her place and it was exactly what I needed. Here is my enlightened Twitter post:

I think what's happening is that I'm feeling what I do after a break up. What I went through after Yorick was that I need to be around people all the time to help me not feel alone. I need that now. I think that's why being at the back packers is so hard, plus it's not a home. Being at Jess's has been just what I needed but I"m afraid to leave. If I had my own room in a house here it'd be better. Comforting. That's what I need but what can I do until then? I can't be alone.

It's a bit desperate and I'm actually feeling better now. We watched Inception and I have started to apply some of the mind tricks to my situation. I'm locking all thoughts of JD into a big black square safe with a big lock. I do think about him but I have been trying to rationalise it. He's not Yorick. The pain was 10 times worse there. He's a silly Perth boy. He's a slut. He's not my ideal guy. It was just some fun. I liked the physicality of it more and the feeling of being with someone in a boyfriend girlfriend way. It's not about him, but at the same time it is. I just really hate that I've come undone again. It's all piling up on me -- the lack of money, the lack of a job and the lack of a house. It's going to work out. Holly and Ruben are coming over in 1.5-2 weeks for just as long as we'll be able to hang out and she said I'd have a place by that stage. I sure hope so. It was so great being at Jess's. I can't wait to have our own place. I want my own room and somewhere nearby, even the backyard if there is one, to relax in and heal. Nature is my Church after all. I like that I have discovered that. This afternoon/evening Nicole and I are going to go down to St Kilda and go to the beach and get some food. I love beaches. They have always helped me deal with issues. I can always go back home for a few days next week if I really need. Then again I wouldn't know what to do with all my stuff. Kirsten's? I just have to keep on top of this. I can conquer this and I shall. I just have to belittle the JD experience. So when I was at the Washington concert, not that I saw anything, I got a text from JD saying "Hey I'm sorry I didn't get to see you before I left, I feel really bad :(" and that started me crying again. I had to get out. I wrote back "That's ok. It would have been nice to see you... I had lots of fun with you." I haven't heard anything since and I probably won't for a while. So yes, Holly said he must be nice because he wrote that to me. He is nice, and he's cute and funny and weird but also a bit of a slut. Hmm. As my horoscope said, I just have to move on. Here are some good ones:

Monday 25th -- the morning of the party.
Someone finds you mesmerizing, Scorpio. You have that affect on a lot of people, but this individual really knows how to work it. He or she is a master of flattery and seduction, and could make you feel like a million bucks. Don't succumb to this type of adulation today. Just because someone is enamored with you and has a passionate way of showing it doesn't mean you should jump into anything. You are a sucker for sweet talk, because you happen to be quite a sweet talker yourself -- but this may not be the right situation for you. Think it over.

I wish I knew what this really meant at the time. I'm not sure when I first looked at it though and even that day I didn't realise what it meant. Only way after the fact. It's definitely a lesson learned. I won't be doing that again, ever.

Friday 19th -- today.
All the worrying in the world won't change a thing, Scorpio. Usually you are someone who can move past a problem with ease, and not keep looking over your shoulder. But you may now been caught up in worrying about the future affects of something that has already been completed. Did you make the right choice? What do others think of how you handled yourself? Will there be a fallout from what you said or did? All the worry is pointless, no matter that happens next. But in fact it is especially meaningless because you did everything right. Move on. Sop worrying.

These are a little contradictory but the message to move on sounds like just what I need to do. And that's why I'm trying to do. It was just hard to metaphorically fall over like this again when my whole life is unsettled. It's not a good combination.

This one is nice in itself.

Tuesday 26th -- Wednesday.
When an apple tree blooms, each delicate blossom eventually becomes a delicious Macintosh or Gala or Granny Smith apple, and so on. It's almost miraculous to watch the progress of a tree in flower as its branches become heavy with fruit. You are now in the blooming stage with a special endeavour,m Scorpio. Don't worry so much about when you will get to the fruit-bearing stage. Just enjoy the fragrance and atmosphere of the moment, and know that you are on your way to getting what you are working for.

I think this could be referring to my assignments, as that's the only possible explanation from the time. I did finish an assignment on Thursday night while hoping for a text from JD to say to come and meet him. I really want to know what he's thinking about everything, and if he felt bad for me or for him that we didn't get a chance to meet up again. I think bad for me. He probably doesn't care all that much. I shouldn't even be thinking about this but I think it's better to get rid of it all into here and have a clear mind, like for the second assignment I need to finish! That's why I'm here out at Uni. I do wish that we had had a chance to meet again. I really liked it when he kissed me goodbye so tenderly and hotly and convinced me that we'd meet again. It's probably for the best though. Sigh.

I guess I had better do some homework now. I think I'll be feeling strange for a few days at least, especially since I'll be alone in the back packers. Nicole is looking into me moving into her back packers so that'll be nice. Each bed has its own power point(s) and shelves next to your head so I won't even have to leave my bed to watch movies or do some homework. It'll be nice just to have her there, even though what I really need is to be staying at a house. I'm not sure that's possible though. I seriously cannot wait for this back packing stage to end. I'm way past over it. It's the whole alone thing and the no comforts of home thing too. Damn this. Tomorrow I need to go to Jess's work and apply for a job there. I think Nicole and I and maybe Chelsea will be looking at another house. Amy and I are tentatively meeting at 2pm as I'm not quite sure what's happening. I might also come back out here to do more Uni, unless I go to the State Library. I just need to keep busy. It sucks though as I have maybe $300 left and half of that will go to a room for a week. I will get paid again by Centrelink on Monday so that's a relief. I just wish we didn't have to be paying this rent. Hopefully we both get jobs soon. Mum and dad are going to help me out financially so that's nice to know but I still feel really poor. Damn it! What a high and low week. Mostly low. Was it worth it? I'm not sure. It's not just JD though but that doesn't help.

I should really do some homework. I just needed to vent. This is going to be a struggle but I shall conquer this.

Dreaming

The last two nights I've had dreams about Yorick. It's nothing to do with getting back together or anything like that, but it's more about who I think he is now and his attitude creeping into my dreams. I don't like who I think he is now, who I hear he is from people like Holly and Sophie who see him and tell me the gossip. I don't like that he's in my dreams. I remember that after Jeremy, for a while I was interested in what he was up to but over time that faded to the point where I almost forgot he existed. I can't wait for that to happen with Yorick. I don't want to think about him and spy on him through my sister's Facebook account. I'm just glad we haven't had contact since 1.1.11 so I can't make a fool out of myself in front of him. I can't help but spy on him and love the gossip but hopefully that will pass.

Moved to Melbourne update

Success! I have finally gotten onto the internet here in the YHA Melbourne Central back packer's and there is no one else around to spy on what I'm writing. That's the worse. I'm in a small lounge room with two computers and a couch facing the TV and it's not private at all. I wanted to write in here but I hate the fact that people can be watching me doing this, which I am slightly embarrassed about when other people are watching, so I am really glad I'm alone!

So, it's Saturday and I arrived in Melbourne on Thursday. Holly and I were on the same flight, me in the middle and she was up the back, but we caught the Sky Bus together, had chats, then went to the back packers and dropped my bags off. They weren't ready with my room quite yet so I went back that afternoon and checked in properly. The place is great! It's the best one I've been in. The rooms are nice and have personal bed side lamps attached to the walls. The bathrooms are amazing, although there are only 3 showers on the floor, one of which isn't working as it has no tap handle. There is a toiled right next to my room though so it's very convenient. I met a lovely Canadian lass who is leaving today. She's heading back to New Zealand to study until June/July then back to Canada. We were going to hang out today but she had to check out and I suppose she had to give her key back so she might not be able to get back up to our floor. Might not see her. The other two in the room, one of which left last night I think, are weird and annoying. The traffic is pretty loud, which is a bit hard to deal with, so I didn't get much sleep on Thursday night. I caught up last night though. Very pleased about that.

So, Holly and I hung out for a few hours, did some window shopping, had a tea [Holly] and a milkshake [me] then went to where her job interview was. It was next to the ANZ Bank Museum so we had a quick look in there before she went in. After that Amy called me and we met up 15 minutes later at Riverland, a cute place next to / under the bridge next to Federation Square alongside the Yarra River and I met her boyfriend Cal. We had a pint of Bulmers each and had some lovely chats. I'm going to a hula hoop class with Amy sometime! I can't wait for that. Then they both went to work and I went to the back packers to check in. After that I went to my room, then got some dinner at Thai Culinary. I had a lovely Pad See Ew noodle dish, similar to what I have at Cool Thai, but not the same unfortunately. I doubt I'll find something as good as I have at Cool Thai. Sad. I got invited to the Thursday night free pub crawl by one of the roommates and I went for a little bit but I'm not a drinking fan so I left and watched some of a DVD. I met the Canadian roommate and we had some nice chats.

Friday was a sleep in day. I got some breakfast in the city, then went to Big W and got some shampoo as I had forgotten that I deliberately didn't bring my bottle as it was almost empty and that means when I go back to Hobart to visit I won't need to take any with me. After that I came back here and had a nap, then got up for my appointment to see Kate, a friend of George and Katie's who works at the Police Museum. We had a coffee/hot chocolate and a crumble lemon yoyo and talked about Uni and volunteering and houses. She's so nice and said if I ever need help seeing places that she can drive me and not to worry about asking her. There's nothing to go and see though so that's a shame. Then her colleague Monica came down and we had a nice chat. She's also doing the Diploma of Museum Studies via Deakin but is finishing it off this year and she does one day of volunteering at the Police Museum and one day, Thursdays, at Mission to Seafarers. She took me on a tour of the Mission and I'll be doing some volunteering there with her next Thursday! It's such an amazing place. It has a beautiful chapel and is still used for seamen/seafarers to relax and have a drink, play some pool, and use the internet. There are also functions done there [they were setting up for a wedding whilst I was visiting] and is an amazing apartment for a Chaplain to stay in as well as one for the caretaker[s]. I met Cally[?] and I'll be doing some hospitality functions work with her, paid work. I'm not sure how much work and how often but it's a start. She asked off hand if I had my RSA and I said yes and she asked if I'd be interested in work and I said yes and that was that! They said I was sent from Heaven or something like that. The previous volunteer had to leave or something so the timing is perfect. It's such a cute place and I'll get to do similar work to what I did at the Maritime in Hobart. Some of the main museums here get you started out the front, then you work your way out towards the back and the kind of work I'm interested in. Apparently the Mission will be useful for class assignments, Monica told me. I can't wait! That night I went back to Thai Culinary then watched another movie and chatted with the Canadian girl. Not sure we actually introduced ourselves. Haha.

Today I got up fairly early feeling pretty refreshed, although last night the girl who moved out was so annoying. She may have moved into another room but she was doing this at 11pm back and fourth out the door which has a loud slam and she kept her bed side lamp on and it was shining in my face and lighting up the whole room. How rude. She came back an hour or so later and turned it off. She did it again in the morning. Poo poo. Glad she's gone. So this morning I had a nice shower with my new shampoo, which didn't smell as it usually does [contemplated taking it back]. I read some catalogues that the Canadian girl left for us to check out letting visitors know what's on and where it's happening. Then I went to get The Age newspaper to look for jobs and houses but nothing took my fancy. First I need a place, then I will look for a job near by. I don't want to do hospitality but I'd rather go in and see the place before applying, and know how to get there and whatnot. So that's step two. Now I'm here and not sure what to do. I think I'm seeing Jess this afternoon but I'd like to go to some gardens and other museums at some stage. Tomorrow I'll go to the Campberwell markets with Amy and Cal then on Monday it's out to Deakin! I can't wait to get there and check it all out. I might only be going on Monday and Tuesday depending on the activities on the other days. I need to get my ID card and go on a tour, or take myself on a tour. There are some library tours available so that'll be fun. I can't wait!

I actually love being here. I love that there is so much to do, that I'm in a fantastic city, that I have many friends here that want to hang out with me, that there are trams, the weather, and so many other little things. I am surprised at how much I like it. It's nice that I do. Now I just have to find a house! Eek.

Hangs with Holly and Monika and packing and moving!

I met up with Holly today and we had a cup of tea at Fullers book shop in the Afterword Cafe. It was really nice catching up. Adult. As it turns out she'll be flying to Melbourne on the same day and same flight I am for a job interview! So we'll meet there and catch the Sky Bus in and get some food. We talked about my plans for the first few days there and she helped me set a goal to get a house/place first then let everything else happen, like sorting out some volunteer positions and a job. I hope I can find somewhere great within the first week so I don't have to stay at the Backpacker's too long. Please!

After meeting Holly I went next door to visit my old friend Monika. We sat outside and had a cup of tea overlooking Mt Wellington. It's such a great view and you can see so much more from there than our place, which is 100m away maybe, because our block has so many trees. It's still a lovely place though and I do dearly love it. It's just nice seeing a different view. I am so excited about moving to Melbourne and getting on with my life. It all changes permanently on Thursday! Yay! I can't wait to get a place and be settled. That in between period scares me a bit but hopefully it won't last too long. I can't wait to start class! Eep.

Tonight we're down at the Longs for dinner. Daddy's just having a shower and we'll head off. Tomorrow at 11 Sarah and I are going to visit Nan and Pa, then we'll grab some lunch then come home and I'll do more packing. Maybe she can help me with that. Then it's dinner with James, George and Etta. I can't wait to see Etta's first tooth. What a milestone! Eeeep again. I can't wait to get my stuff sorted. I always leave this stuff until the last minute, like assignments, but I just have to get it done. I'm more productive then I believe. I just don't know what to do with all the other stuff I won't take with me. Clean/tidy it up? I don't know. I'll be back every so often and can sort stuff out then. I'll probably take more things with me. Who knows until I get there and settled. I've packed boxes of things I'll definitely want like towels/tea-towels, Uni books, kitchen stuff, clothes and DVDs/books, so they can be sent over once I'm settled but everything else? No idea. I'll just do what I can.

Right! Off to dinner now. Yum, I'm rather hungry.

Things to do before I move to Melbourne on Thursday

I have a lot to do before Thursday. Thursday doesn't count as a day I can do anything though because it's the day I leave Hobart! It's taken me a while but I'll get there. I need to call or visit my Grandparents and finish packing and organising boxes of stuff for my parents to send me. I have to take the dog for a walk tomorrow and Wednesday. I am seeing Holly at 3 tomorrow and hopefully Andi before that. Then it's to the Long's [the neighbours] for dinner. Wednesday I'm meeting sister at 1 in town for lunch and a wander, then it's home. That night is a pizza dinner with everyone but mum as she's away. Hopefully I can fit it all in. I'm most worried about the packing I think and the amount of time that takes up. It might be hard to fit anything else in. As long as Andi can work around my schedule! Time has suddenly run out. I also need to organise houses to view once I get to Melbourne. It might pay to schedule some earlier but then again it may not. I'd feel better doing it though. They might get snapped up before I even get there but they may not. We'll see. I think that's about it. I'll just have to get up earlier and focus on packing and utilise the time I have. It can be done!

Tonight I went and had Cool Thai with Emma and we hung at her place for a bit. I love our Cool Thai dates. They're awesome. Then I went to Jessi's and we chatted lots. It was really nice. Then I got home and had chats with dad. We're both quiet so it's nice when we have chats. They're uncommon but that makes them special. I usually talk to mum about everything and I know they know what the other knows. Hmm.

I can't wait to get settled in Melbourne. I don't like this in-between period but it has to happen unfortunately. I'll be quite busy though so that's comforting. I just hope I find a place soon/straight away so I don't have to spend more money in the back packers and so I can be settled before Uni officially starts on the 7th. Plenty of time, right? I hope so.

Graceful and free

Anna means grace/graceful.

Frances means free.

Grace/graceful is onkei in Japanese.

I love that Holly means hiiragi. That's the name of her sewing business. I wanted one so we found this today. Onkei is cute. It can be a nickname for myself! Hehe.

It was so nice catching up with her today and talking about Melbourne. We had a hot drink over in Salamanca at Say Cheese [I'd never been there] then I went to drop in my final piece of assessment for Fronting MONA, then went back to Holly's boat for a few hours for more chats. We also looked up my/our rising and moon signs.

Sun sign -- Scorpio

Scorpios stubbornly cling to emotional attachments. They rarely forget or forgive emotional rejection. They have to learn that jealousy and possessiveness are self-defeating. Rechanneling negative feelings and experiences into constructive activity benefits others, as well as themselves. No other sign has the emotional strength as Scorpio (Daily Horoscope run down).

Rising sign -- Capricorn

With this Ascendant, you come across as serious, cold, disciplined, patient, focused, thoughtful, ambitious, indomitable, cautious, lucid, persistent, provident, steady, introverted, stern, willful, hard-working, responsible, persevering, honest, realistic, loyal, reserved, resolute, moralistic, quiet, rigorous, attached and reliable. But you may also be curt, withdrawn, calculating, petty, cruel, unpleasant, ruthless, selfish, dull, rigid, slow or skeptical.

Moon sign -- Leo

The Moon in Leo tries hard to create a decent and elegant lifestyle. He or she insists on buying clothes and items which are special in some way...

Playing, celebrating and partying are the best ways for Moon in Leo people to restore their energy after periods of stress. For good self-esteem, every now and again they also need to be viewed, appreciated, and adored.

If they don't have enough love in their life, Moon Leos can have problems with their heart, circulatory system or their general levels of physical energy. Problems with vision are also quite typical.

So that's me!

I'm so glad to be done with my essay. It'll be nice to relax tomorrow and watch movies or plan for Melbourne. I just won't want to have to do anything. That will be nice. Then again I'll be doing a lot of that I think. I also hope tomorrow I will feel better. Sarah and I went out on Wednesday night to Cbar for dinner and drinks, then to her place with 2 bottles of Trevi, then to Mobius for dancing. We stayed out until 530am. I have had a sore neck since waking up at 12noon that afternoon and all through today. I have also been feeling horrible. I'm not a fan! I just want to feel normal again. I hope it happens tomorrow. Please!

Melbourne it will be!

So here I am in Sydney. I'm at the backpackers, which isn't as good as the one I stayed in the last two times I came here, and I am very fully from dinner next door. I am sure it was a Thai place. It was delicious anyway and just what I needed despite filling me to the brim. Yesterday at the airport was tear central. Jan and Fra and I cried so much. I loved the hugs and them telling me they love me. Fra said she loves me and that I'm a good girl and brave. She said to Jan to tell me she loves me and Jan said I already know. It was so sweet. However, I'm heading back on Tuesday. It's not for me. I don't want to do it all alone so I'm going home then moving to Melbourne in a few weeks. Probably mid February. I have many friends there and that will make the difference. I have Amy, Carly, Kirsten and will have Holly and Ruben. I just don't want to do all of this by myself although I'll probably end up living alone in Melbourne it'll be different having friends to visit and to fall back on in times of need. I just think it's the better fit. I'm not feeling the love here. I'm alone and it'll take me a while to get settled and to make friends and I doubt I'll get into the Uni here. Anyway, I'd rather be around friends than in a pretty city. Life is short and it should be spent with the people you love.

So the thing is, yesterday morning I realised how it wasn't going to work here in Sydney but I've come anyway and had to lug my huge and heavy bags up millions of stairs in this cheapo backpackers. It'll be annoying getting it all back but when I move to Melbourne instead I might take my car. I've been treating this like a little holiday and I'm just glad I'll get to see Jan and Fra again! I miss them. Sarah and I had a chat this evening and half way through next year I reckon we'll head to the UK together. I'll be able to get a good job and will stay there for many years I believe. I'll find my Englishman there. I don't have much time left on the computer here as my credit is about to run out so I'll be heading off now but there is so much more to write! I am going to go to the Chinese Garden of Friendship for some Chinese New Year events tomorrow and I need to visit Joyce, go to a nice coffee shop Jan and Fra recommended and do some of the things I haven't done like visit the Maritime Museum and go to the Botanical Gardens. It'll be a nice little holiday. I'll update again soon.

Leaving day

I am completely crazy. At least that's what I was thinking last night and this morning, but now I have drilled it in that I can always go to Melbourne instead if Sydney doesn't work out it's not so scary. I've been talking to Jan and Fra about it all morning while they helped me pack. It's my sister's fault. She cried last night after I dropped her home from the movies and it made me cry and think that I'm crazy for leaving everyone fabulous behind. It is crazy but I need this adventure. Sometimes I feel brave but last night/this morning I felt stupid. I will give it a week and see how I go. I can always come back. I need to enroll in classes like Burlesque and Pole Dancing and Yoga to keep me busy.

I have just changed my Deakin enrollment and I got a class reader in the mail so I'm actually getting excited about it. The course wouldn't be that bad and I'd be out in the field looking after cultural heritage. I could definitely go on archaeological digs! I'm warming to the idea of Melbourne even though I'm not a huge fan of the city. Amy did show me a great time when I was there last and a lot of my friends are there so it wouldn't be too bad at all. It sure would be a lot of fun, especially if I could move in with Holly and Ruben.

Stuff with packing wasn't going so well but Jan and Fra helped me with that and I'm pretty close to the maximum weight. It'll all be okay. I can treat going to Sydney as a little holiday, although I would love to go to the Uni there. The city is fantastic, and I'm sure it'll treat me well, so I'll stick with the plan to check out houses and look into jobs. I will be able to survive at the back packer's for a while, a week definitely, so I'll take it as it comes. Knowing I can come back in a week is making it less sad.

I had such a great night last night. I met up with Andi in the afternoon after lunch with James, Sarah, Jan and Fra at Tricycle in Salamanca. We picked up Ivy and had some nice chats. They waved me off. I didn't feel like I was leaving at the time so it didn't sink in about not seeing them for a while. I know I'll be back a lot. It doesn't feel like I'll be that far away. After hangs with Andi I picked up Sarah, then Holly, then met Emma in North Hobart and we had Cool Thai for dinner. After that we went to Onba and had 4 drinks each and had some wonderful chats. I'll miss those girls. Emma will see if she can get a transfer from her job here at AAMI to a branch in Sydney and she might join me there in a few months, maybe. That would be fun if she did. Holly got me one of her Hiiragi tee's which I love, and I had hugs with both of those lovely girls/women. They are great friends. Then Sarah and I went to see Burlesque again and I felt guilty for not being home earlier to hang with family. Drat. Sarah and I said bye in the car until I ran out and hugged her again. We chatted and cried a bit. It was nice. Then I went home and thought how crazy I was being and now we're up to date. I can always go to Melbourne.

I am actually excited about the reader I got in the mail today. I can start studying! I'll see how I go in Sydney, and see if I get into the course or not, as I can always go to Sydney next year and do the masters in museum studies. That's definitely an option. I'll go on my little holiday, have a look at places, and jobs, and if it's not for me then Melbourne it is. I'll have more fun in Melbourne as I actually know people anyway. I'm up for fun.

It's scary that it's almost real though. I'm scared and it's making me want to back out of Sydney but this is what I've been dreaming of for a while now. And as I've said to myself before, just because I'm scared it shouldn't mean I stop doing things. I can't stop doing things because I'm scared. I'm not very good at writing. Anyway, I should go and spend some time with my aunts. Mum is coming home for 230pm and we're hitting the road at 3pm for 4pm at the airport. I'll leave at 5pm. Until next time.

What to do!?

Frak I still don't know what to do. I called the University of Sydney Helpline and they directed me to the arts postgraduate section, who I'm sure I've talked to before, but it just went to a message bank. Without getting into the Uni it seems pointless moving there. Then I think of Melbourne and I don't like it there. I might come to like it and I'd be around friends... I feel it would be a mistake to move there though. I think of how annoying it was getting into town and how the streets annoy me. Then I think of Sydney and I remember how much I love it there. I don't want to stay in Hobart anymore so I guess it's Sydney then! I can't do full-time work. When would I fit in volunteering at a museum? Would I have enough time to organise my life, get thin, go to dance and photography classes? I'm not sure I would. A 9-5 would be okay in a music store for the money. I probably won't get the job anyway so I shouldn't be stressing about working full-time. Their definition of full-time might be different than 9-5. So I guess it's decided. I'll move to Sydney anyway as planned, get a job, study via Deakin online, and get into museums where I can. Melbourne is crap for museums anyway. I didn't get to the one in South Bank so I might be lying. Still I don't want to move to Melbourne. I keep going over it in my mind. I'm not sure I'd like it there, but with friends showing me around it might not be that bad. Arrrg crap. I need Holly to talk to. I think we might be catching up tonight to watch a Japanese DJ she likes. She will help me.

Can I do this?

I keep having second thoughts. I think because next week is getting closer and closer despite nothing being booked is what's making me nervous. I'm pretty much going to be there by myself. I keep thinking how lonely I'll be and that I'll fall apart. Just being here alone is making me feel weird, like a part of me is missing. I think, should I go to Melbourne instead so I can visit Holly and Ruben all the time? but that's skipping out on my dream. I wouldn't visit them that much like here. I don't like Melbourne and I at least have to give it a go in Sydney. I can't bail just because I'm scared or because I will get lonely or sad. I'll fill my time right up and call people and visit Joyce and cousin Sam and people will visit me. Be tough!

Kyü

Last night was great! I saw Kyü at Mona Foma and they were fantastic live. I wanted to get their CD at the merchandise tent but they were all sold out. I think I can get it online though. All is well. I had been at Orford for the day with mum and Jan and Fra visiting nan and pa and got back at a bit after 5. I tried to contact Holly and meet her to see Fourplay but she didn't answer her phone. I decided to head on down there anyway and check it out. I'm not sure I've ever seen them live before, or really heard much of them but I do love their work. I've had a classical music up-bringing so I really appreciate classical instruments, like violins, being used in a rock band. I like that bridge. While I was there, Holly and Ruben found me. We stood together in the sun watching Fourplay then went back to Holly's boat for some pizza and cider. At 8 we went to see Kyü. Fantastic is all I can say. Lost for words then and now. They are so amazing. I'm listening to them now on their Myspace page but they are way better live. I really need to get back to my room and finish my second assignment for Fronting MONA so I can hand it in at Art School today. I also need to take Katie for a walk and probably meet Sarah for some boots shopping. Eek! Enough on the computer.

Actually, after Kyü had finished, and Andi had just arrived, Andi and I went for a wander and had a drink at Irish. She bumped into a friend there and he was with an Englishman! He was really nice, we had a good chat, and it just gave me hope that I will meet my UK man. They are out there, especially since this guy said there are job shortages over there. I'll meet my man.

The end of another week

Tomorrow I start my week [minus Tuesday and the weekend] at MONA. I think it's going to be great, confronting, yes, but great. I have to take a lunch and will bring some water along to have on the breaks around 12-1 I think. I can't remember if we get an hour's break or just half an hour. I have to get up quite early. I need to leave home at around 8-815am to get out there for a bit after 9am. We officially start at 930am but I want to be there early so I'm not late. I wouldn't want to be late. No way. Afterwards when we finish at 330pm I'm going to head to Illusions, the tattoo place, and book an appointment for Wednesday afternoon at 430pm probably so both Holly and Emma can come. My sister also wants to come so fingers crossed that that day and time works for all of us. I want them all there.

Lately I've been thinking about how I'll probably get lonely in Sydney and cry and have to work through the feelings. I'm sure I will but I just have to stop and feel what I feel and let it pass. I'll be doing greater things there than I would be doing here if I stayed and just because things are hard doesn't mean they shouldn't be done. I want to live alone, and I want to live in Sydney. It's my choice and with that reasoning I'll be okay. People are only a phone call away and if I'm really desperate I can book a flight home or at least to Melbourne to visit my friends. It's worth going because it'll change my life for the better [I think] and just because I'll feel lonely or sad doesn't mean I shouldn't go. I'll go and have a great time, get upset a bit, but in the long run it'll be fantastic. I can listen to music and meditate when feeling upset, go for a walk in my new city and have some more adventures. I'll be right.

Holly can't make in on Wednesday but I might have to go ahead on that day because I'm not working. Maybe I should leave it until she's available on the day I have free... The following week might be better. I think I might prefer to have all 3 of them there. Time will tell I suppose.

A splendid afternoon with Holly

This afternoon was fantastic! I got to Holly's for around 3pm and we chatted for 2 hours, had cups of tea, and a great old time. We haven't caught up in a while so it was really nice touching base and hearing all the gossip, especially since I got some of it on NYE 2010. To start off with the juicy stuff, apparently Yorick was put a little off balance after seeing me on NYE as he wasn't expecting me to be there. Things got a bit strange on the boat as there were gatecrashers but Ruben sorted things out and a few days later, Ruben went over to see Yorick and talk to him about how things went on NYE because his 6 years younger than him girlfriend invited these gatecrasher. I think it's funny. Apparently she, aka Ebony, is more screwed up than he is and, as Holly put it, he might be heading towards his spilt milk reaction. I love Holly's insight into life. In other gossip, rather news, we found the ideal tattoo 'font' for my surname! It's braille. We were discussing my latest desperate attempt [the bar-code] when Holly came up with the idea of braille. It looks cool too. Mysterious. In the picture below I think I'll go for the one without the tinier reference dots. I'm not sold on having them there. Maybe in a light grey if they were on the tattoo. So I can now book an appointment! Both Holly and Emma are going to come with me. I'm super excited.

We also looked at studio apartments for me in Sydney! Holly got onto the Domain website and there are some apartment/units there that I hadn't seen on the site I was looking at. Some with their own bathrooms for a start and still around the price I was looking for. I think I'll find a great little place. I also decided that I won't compromise my dreams by living in a share house as I think in most areas it would make me unhappy and regret the decision so I'll stick to finding my own place, probably in Newtown. I love that I'm dealing with this issue more because now I'm happy and will enjoy living with not much furniture because it'll be all mine. That is my wish.

Another spot on horoscope for January 6.

If you haven't done so yet, Scorpio, let go of any regrets you carried into 2011. There is no place for them here. This is to be a dynamic year with a lot of positive change, much of it centered around your own personal evolution. If you drag old wounds or mistakes into what should be a positive and progressive time of transformation, you will only slow down this marvelous process of reinventing yourself. Not that there is anything wrong with the old you ... there is NOT. But you now have the chance to add greater dimension to what is already a great work of art: YOU!

I have been carrying regret about my recent contact with Yorick into 2011 and have struggled to let it go. Ebony got to me a bit, and not asking how Yorick was going made me feel guilty, but it's in the past. He made his own decisions about his life and me not liking it has got nothing to do with anything. I have to let it go. I don't need to feel guitly. I know this year is going to be a great year for reinventing myself, a process which has already begun, and if it is to be as great as I hope it will be then I have to stop thinking about him. It's in my past, especially since we're in a new year, and I have moved on but not so completely that I don't ever think of him and wonder what he's up to these days. I am curious but I have to let it go. This is my year to shine. Here's to new beginnings.

Sydney, Holly, Sydney

I didn't get an offer today, unless I missed it. I wasn't truly expecting to hear back today but would have loved if I did. It sucks because I can't make plans and this whole thing is being drawn out so much. It makes me dislike the Uni a bit. Making people wait this long is mean, especially since classes start a month after I/we might find out on the 19th. As long as I get in I'll be happy. Once I find out I have to book flights to Sydney straight away for the in-person enrollment. That week will go by pretty quickly and be rather eventful. Hopefully I'll be over there for Australia Day so I can meet up with Annie [I'm sad she's not still working at thebeach]. It's already the 5th of January so I have around 15 days to sort out what I want to take with me when I move and there is a lot to sort through.

I hope I can find my own place. I'm still not sold on living with people other than a partner but will do it if I have to. Paying bond all by myself [around $1000] would wipe out most of my savings for this move and unless I get Centrelink straight away that might be a bad idea. I am actually getting more shifts at work, especially this week, so I'll be able to put more away. I haven't put any away this week because I only got paid around $200-250 which is nothing and it doesn't go that far. I hate money sometimes. By the time I head off, I might have saved $2000, and I stress might. I have $1500 now, $1000 could go towards bond and $300 towards a bed so that isn't much left, unless I save another $500 now. I'd need to go shopping for supplies once I have a house and rent and pay for the airfares [unless I get the free tickets from my aunts who had to change their plans when they couldn't fly out of the UK for Christmas] but I might be doing the home-stay thing before I find a house or move in with Kirsten's Katie. Moving in with Katie and her friend would be a lot cheaper but it's not my dream, unless we each got our own floor, or at least own bathroom and a big room. Drat.

I'm going to visit Holly today. I am so excited about that. We haven't had a proper catch up in a while. I miss her perspective and conversation. She helped me so much during my break up with Yorick and I love her wisdom. I am so glad to have met her. The Lordy boys were good for one thing after all. After that I have work. I am super sick of hospitality but I have to keep working until I head off, otherwise I'll have no money whatsoever and I can't let that happen. I hate this whole money situation. It's really bugging me. Maybe I'll have to live in a share house [especially since people keep saying living in Sydney is expensive]. Drat again.

A brand new year

New Year's Eve was a bit of a let down for me. It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with Emma and her two lovely gay flat-mates Josh and Andrew and my sister, but I wasn't very interested in a huge party. I liked watching the fireworks from a spot on the wharf despite there being huge amounts of people around and I liked visiting Holly afterwards but it just felt like any other night. It didn't feel special or that I needed to make a big deal out of it. A lot has changed for me since May last year and since I'm single I have just wanted to do what makes me happy. For next year's celebrations I might just have a quiet one. Hopefully I have my future husband to celebrate with but I guess I can't predict what it will be like. It felt strange not caring too much about it despite it always being built up as a great night, one where things change from one minute to the next. I liked the symbolic change from 2010 to 2011 because 2011 means so much to me already. It's my year.

I had been chatting to Holly throughout the evening and asked if Yorick would be there at her boat. He was to be there and when we went down to the wharf to watch the fireworks then head to Holly's afterwards he jumped off the boat straight away when he saw me. I didn't really talk to him, just asked if Holly was there and that I'd go and get the others. I'm not sure I even looked him in the eyes. Subconscious ignoring I guess. I didn't really want to see him but we didn't actually chat. I didn't hear if he said anything to me when he got off. It's so strange. When I got to the end of the concrete next to Holly's boat, I heard Yorick's 18 year old say something like "Who the f is that?" I think she must be jealous of me. I just got a funny feeling about the whole thing, like she was defending her territory. I had that boy for 4 years. She can't compete with me. I don't want him back anyway and would never go back there. Holly's my friend, and if anyone was getting kicked off the boat out of the two of us it would definitely be Ebony. She's an idiot. She tried to be friends with my sister, saying they'd meet us out later, and it was totally weird. She was so threatened or jealous. I think they're both pathetic so it doesn't really matter to me, just shows that once again I am the better person, the more in control of my life and my destiny, and the one who has moved on to greater things. I hate that she got to me though. I hated thinking about her in my first moments of 2011. It had nothing to do with Yorick as we didn't really say anything to each other. It was all about her. It would have been nice to chat to Yorick but I went straight into asking for Holly mode and nothing else happened. I feel bad that I didn't say anything to Yorick, that we didn't get a chance to talk and check in, as he jumped straight off the boat to see me. He didn't do anything towards me after that though. Maybe he's whipped. I don't need to go back there anyway. I'm moving forward, trying not to think about that anymore, and just live my life the way I want to. I have so much to look forward to this year. It's going to be great. Yorick is now officially in my past as I'm starting a new year and I guess I should just forget about him completely. I kind of want to catch up with him, only because of the catch up that didn't happen last night, but I don't really need to revisit that whole situation. In the light of day it would be a mistake. I can't help that I'm curious. Holly will give me the gossip when we hang out this week. She'll give me some perspective.

I have some jobs to apply for today! I didn't think I'd find any online but I have. I tried Seek instead of Career One and have a few nice options. Hopefully I get something even though the jobs were advertised at the end of December and I won't be over in Sydney until late January. I'll write some cover letters and do some mailing. There is one at the Co-Op Bookstore, one with the University of Sydney Union and a possibility with JB Hi Fi so I will see what happens. I want to move away from hospitality into retail and these jobs would be a great step in that direction. I'd love to work at Kikki-K or Typo or Dymmocks or Borders or the Co-Op or Big W.

I'm feeling a bit hungover today. It's just hitting me more and more now. I felt a bit groggy when I woke up and I do need more sleep so I'll try and get to bed early tonight. It could be worse.

I've been messaging Holly, telling her how I felt about Ebony's reaction to me, and she said she thinks Ebony is threatened by me but that she is also completely drug fucked. Holly said that I was just really cool and mature last night and that I seemed the better person. I said that I felt bad I didn't have a mini catch up with Yorick, say Happy New Year, or anything like that, but that I'm moving forward and I doubt we'd have much to say [no real loss there] and that he'll be right. Holly said that it's not my problem and I did good! I just need to remind myself it doesn't matter anymore. He chose his path and I'm on mine. I am the better person, I am mature, and he's not my problem anymore. It would have been polite to ask him how his night was, what he's been up to, but it would have brought me down and got me thinking about him too much. It's done, it's in the past. That's all I need to know. Moving on!

New surname tattoo fonts

I might be stumbling across a new font for my surname tattoo. After discovering the happiness quote one and how great that looked, I wasn't happy with the one I had chosen for my surname. Now I have more options. I love how the 'A Little Pot' font [all from www.dafont.com by the way] looks kind of childish. This one is my favourite so far and might be the overall winner! Eeek! I want to show Holly first and see what she thinks. She can always see things I can't and gives me great advice.

A Little Pot

Dali

Hand of Sean

Kingthings Wrote

A lovely day

I have had a lovely day today. Dad and I cleaned up my old room in the shed [very refreshing] and I filled 2 huge garbage bags full. There are lots of clothes to donate and old bags and things to get rid of. Dad also put some shelves up in my new room in the shed and it's looking much more organised. We went for a walk with Katie, then I got ready and took up all the darkroom equipment to Holly's for her and Ruben to use. We hung out and had cups of tea, talked about Sydney/Melbourne and crafts. It's always great seeing her. I got my Union Jack bedspread in the mail. Also the Gaiam. Time to get fit! I love living over in the shed. It's great.

SNERT and Brittle

I went to Holly's yesterday afternoon and hung there for several hours. We chatted about my future plans and about Yorick for a bit and it was really nice to catch up. She gave me some good advice and perspective and said she'd do some snooping when she went to Wolfy's for his birthday drinks last night about what Yorick's been up to. I might not want to know but I might. We discussed whether or not I should leave it completely. She said that Ruben might be able to deal with my computer instead of going to Yorick. It has been nice not seeing him. I miss the lifestyle and the company but not him, not who he is today.

After Holly's I went and got some alcohol for me and Sarah then went to Cool Thai for dinner. I ate too much. Then Sarah finished work and we went to hers for drinks then to the Republic to see SNERT, my brother's band, and Brittle after them. We danced all night and at the end we chatted to Brittle. I liked the look of the drummer the best and he came and talked to me. Apparently, as Sarah and her 2 house mates were talking to the other band members, they said oooo when me and Geoff were talking. It was a nice conversation, nothing sexual or creepy. We talked about the tour and being able to play music and where they were staying and showers and beer and what they were doing for the rest of their stay in Hobart [going to Salamanca today and the mountain to see snow] and it was just really nice. Yeah I thought he was cute but he's from Melbourne and I'm not the type to force myself on him. I would have kissed him but that's it. I second guessed myself by thinking I didn't play it right, that he didn't think I was interested, but I don't know if I needed him to know that. It was just a nice moment. We stayed there for a while longer, all chatted to the band, then went back to the girls' house and I drove home. I got home at 3/330 and am feeling a bit seedy. I'll be okay though. I will go back to bed soon and watch TV [Sex and the City] until I feel better. I should go for a walk and burn off what I ate yesterday. We'll see.

Buttons update

I went to Holly's this afternoon and we had lengthy chats about how to present my button earrings and what to make as a label. I now have so many things to consider but it's good. Once I have my design I'll be able to put the earrings on the cards and have them ready to sell one day when I'm ready for a market. I'll have a woodland theme for my earring cards in a few different sizes most likely, one for one set of earrings, one for 3 pairs, and a larger one for 3 pairs as I have the two different earring sizes. She suggested I make a separate tag for my bracelets but I can't picture that as yet. She makes her cards from thick, textured paper and prints her design onto them. I'll be doing something similar, using a 220gsm thickness and she mentioned getting the design made into an ink stamp so I can just reproduce it like that. That would be something extra fun! I also need to get the brighter colours in the fabrics I got so I can have colour sets, single pairs, and different sets like a pastel, a bold and a stripy or something similar. The packaging will sell it. I believe that's very true. Packaging makes me buy a lot of things and if I like what I make I know others will too. I'm picky and I think that's a good thing. For the design, Holly and Ruben said it should be in black and white as to not overpower the earrings themselves, to make it less of a colour-overload, but I can make one in colour for the pricing list for example. I can do that with water colours, Holly mentioned. There's so much to think about. We'll go shopping this week sometime to get these supplies and to get me some hair colours so she can dye my hair lighter with nice tones. Once I have this design sorted I'll feel like it's all coming together, and it will be. I like that it's going slow so I can savor it and make sure it's all working and that kind of thing. I'm loving this.

Feeling French

I have an appointment at the Uni Doctors tomorrow morning at 930 to fix my blocked ear problem. I am so thrilled that I will be able to hear again. I just have to keep putting drops in tonight and in the morning before I go. I will also ask about the pill to get rid of bad skin. I hope they can help me.

I got more buttons to cover in the mail today. I now have 100 of size 20 and 105 of size 24. That will be enough to keep me going for a while. Hopefully I can sell them all. I found some nice fabrics on Etsy but Holly said I should check out Spotlight in this particular part as she thinks I'll find all that I need there. I want a range of colours in a range of tones, as in softer pastels and brighter hues, so I will check that out tomorrow after my appointment.

I'm getting Holly to have a look at my font list for my surname for my tattoo and see what she thinks. They are all slightly different and that's where I'm getting stuck. I might have to print the list out and sticky-tape each one to my arm to see which I like best. It has to be the right side before I book an appointment. I need to get a quote first and save a little money.

Sarah straightened my hair yesterday and it was awesome. She has a GHD straightner, the one professionals use, and I need to get one. I can finally wear my hair out. I've always wanted to but we both have thick, boofy hair that doesn't work well so I'm very pleased about this new development. I want that straightner!

Also tomorrow I'm going to go to my favourite kid's store [Ruby's Room] and find some more sewing boxes. They aren't officially for that use but they have cute suitcases that I am using one for my sewing box. I'd like to have one for both covered button sizes. I am totally into aesthetics so when there's something pretty to put things in it gets me even more excited about what I'm doing. It works a treat to motivate myself to acomplishing things. I am loving my workbook for all my ideas to do with this topic, as suggested by Holly. It's nice having that and it makes me happy. She said that kind of thing makes her happy too.

I am wearing my new top today. It's a long-sleeved black and white striped top with some sequins and beads in the shape of shoulder pads on the outside. It's cute and it makes me feel French with my straightened hair. It's a nice feeling.