Wow. What a horrible few days. I was upset yesterday because JD was gone and I couldn't quite understand why I was feeling so down and sad and like I couldn't do anything to fix it. I called Holly and we had a good chat about it. She told me to take a deep breath and I was feeling better, until the evening. So I was meant to be doing homework all day, not that I did. I went for a walk in the Queen Victoria Gardens and sat down and tried to rest my eyes. From all the crying I had done that morning they were so hard to keep open. I listened to some music then went to meet Jess at 430pm at the Southern Cross Station DFO. We had a chat about it and she said she had heard some things about JD from Kate and Beth but hadn't actually met him. Holly said he must be nice because he has been texting me and said sorry that we didn't meet up. Back to that point later. So Jess and I went and met up with the Perth girls for a drink. They were with some of the other boys from the party, including Mark, but no JD. It was okay. I felt a little funny but I wasn't asked about anything. Then I went to go to the Washington concert and after about half an hour I had another breakdown, a worse one. I couldn't stop crying and had to get out of there and I called Holly again. I was struggling because I didn't want to be alone and didn't know what to do about anything. She said for me to call Jess and go to her place and it was exactly what I needed. Here is my enlightened Twitter post:
I think what's happening is that I'm feeling what I do after a break up. What I went through after Yorick was that I need to be around people all the time to help me not feel alone. I need that now. I think that's why being at the back packers is so hard, plus it's not a home. Being at Jess's has been just what I needed but I"m afraid to leave. If I had my own room in a house here it'd be better. Comforting. That's what I need but what can I do until then? I can't be alone.
It's a bit desperate and I'm actually feeling better now. We watched Inception and I have started to apply some of the mind tricks to my situation. I'm locking all thoughts of JD into a big black square safe with a big lock. I do think about him but I have been trying to rationalise it. He's not Yorick. The pain was 10 times worse there. He's a silly Perth boy. He's a slut. He's not my ideal guy. It was just some fun. I liked the physicality of it more and the feeling of being with someone in a boyfriend girlfriend way. It's not about him, but at the same time it is. I just really hate that I've come undone again. It's all piling up on me -- the lack of money, the lack of a job and the lack of a house. It's going to work out. Holly and Ruben are coming over in 1.5-2 weeks for just as long as we'll be able to hang out and she said I'd have a place by that stage. I sure hope so. It was so great being at Jess's. I can't wait to have our own place. I want my own room and somewhere nearby, even the backyard if there is one, to relax in and heal. Nature is my Church after all. I like that I have discovered that. This afternoon/evening Nicole and I are going to go down to St Kilda and go to the beach and get some food. I love beaches. They have always helped me deal with issues. I can always go back home for a few days next week if I really need. Then again I wouldn't know what to do with all my stuff. Kirsten's? I just have to keep on top of this. I can conquer this and I shall. I just have to belittle the JD experience. So when I was at the Washington concert, not that I saw anything, I got a text from JD saying "Hey I'm sorry I didn't get to see you before I left, I feel really bad :(" and that started me crying again. I had to get out. I wrote back "That's ok. It would have been nice to see you... I had lots of fun with you." I haven't heard anything since and I probably won't for a while. So yes, Holly said he must be nice because he wrote that to me. He is nice, and he's cute and funny and weird but also a bit of a slut. Hmm. As my horoscope said, I just have to move on. Here are some good ones:
Monday 25th -- the morning of the party.
Someone finds you mesmerizing, Scorpio. You have that affect on a lot of people, but this individual really knows how to work it. He or she is a master of flattery and seduction, and could make you feel like a million bucks. Don't succumb to this type of adulation today. Just because someone is enamored with you and has a passionate way of showing it doesn't mean you should jump into anything. You are a sucker for sweet talk, because you happen to be quite a sweet talker yourself -- but this may not be the right situation for you. Think it over.
I wish I knew what this really meant at the time. I'm not sure when I first looked at it though and even that day I didn't realise what it meant. Only way after the fact. It's definitely a lesson learned. I won't be doing that again, ever.
Friday 19th -- today.
All the worrying in the world won't change a thing, Scorpio. Usually you are someone who can move past a problem with ease, and not keep looking over your shoulder. But you may now been caught up in worrying about the future affects of something that has already been completed. Did you make the right choice? What do others think of how you handled yourself? Will there be a fallout from what you said or did? All the worry is pointless, no matter that happens next. But in fact it is especially meaningless because you did everything right. Move on. Sop worrying.
These are a little contradictory but the message to move on sounds like just what I need to do. And that's why I'm trying to do. It was just hard to metaphorically fall over like this again when my whole life is unsettled. It's not a good combination.
This one is nice in itself.
Tuesday 26th -- Wednesday.
When an apple tree blooms, each delicate blossom eventually becomes a delicious Macintosh or Gala or Granny Smith apple, and so on. It's almost miraculous to watch the progress of a tree in flower as its branches become heavy with fruit. You are now in the blooming stage with a special endeavour,m Scorpio. Don't worry so much about when you will get to the fruit-bearing stage. Just enjoy the fragrance and atmosphere of the moment, and know that you are on your way to getting what you are working for.
I think this could be referring to my assignments, as that's the only possible explanation from the time. I did finish an assignment on Thursday night while hoping for a text from JD to say to come and meet him. I really want to know what he's thinking about everything, and if he felt bad for me or for him that we didn't get a chance to meet up again. I think bad for me. He probably doesn't care all that much. I shouldn't even be thinking about this but I think it's better to get rid of it all into here and have a clear mind, like for the second assignment I need to finish! That's why I'm here out at Uni. I do wish that we had had a chance to meet again. I really liked it when he kissed me goodbye so tenderly and hotly and convinced me that we'd meet again. It's probably for the best though. Sigh.
I guess I had better do some homework now. I think I'll be feeling strange for a few days at least, especially since I'll be alone in the back packers. Nicole is looking into me moving into her back packers so that'll be nice. Each bed has its own power point(s) and shelves next to your head so I won't even have to leave my bed to watch movies or do some homework. It'll be nice just to have her there, even though what I really need is to be staying at a house. I'm not sure that's possible though. I seriously cannot wait for this back packing stage to end. I'm way past over it. It's the whole alone thing and the no comforts of home thing too. Damn this. Tomorrow I need to go to Jess's work and apply for a job there. I think Nicole and I and maybe Chelsea will be looking at another house. Amy and I are tentatively meeting at 2pm as I'm not quite sure what's happening. I might also come back out here to do more Uni, unless I go to the State Library. I just need to keep busy. It sucks though as I have maybe $300 left and half of that will go to a room for a week. I will get paid again by Centrelink on Monday so that's a relief. I just wish we didn't have to be paying this rent. Hopefully we both get jobs soon. Mum and dad are going to help me out financially so that's nice to know but I still feel really poor. Damn it! What a high and low week. Mostly low. Was it worth it? I'm not sure. It's not just JD though but that doesn't help.
I should really do some homework. I just needed to vent. This is going to be a struggle but I shall conquer this.
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