The beginning of the end?

I pushed it. Now he's gone for the day and I won't see him till later tonight, if he's home that is. Last night he came home at 830 with some food and chocolate but he was still cold. I saw down at the table and had a tea and he sat there with me. I guess that's his way of trying to connect. Either that or pretending he's trying. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I said yes but we didn't have to, but he said yes. We watched Walk the Line but weren't very close. I held his hand a few times but he kept moving about. Then we went to bed. He was asleep almost instantly so I cuddled him but I doubt he knew I was there. In the morning, we faced each other. His face is lovely. He was getting up fairly early, early for him anyway, to help Gordo move some things to his parents house so he went and had a shower and I started to cry. He hasn't touched me in forever. It was all me initiating it last night but he didn't do it back. All I want is for him to kiss me and hug me like we used to do it. Just before he left this morning he hugged me but it was just because I was crying and upset. After his shower he came up and said in a monotone voice that he was going. I said "can I ask you something before you go? Why don't you touch me anymore?" He said nothing. I continued to cry and he just stood there. I said it feels like it's all my fault and he said it's not my fault. Then I stupidly said if he's not going to say anything he's free to go. Then he went downstairs and I followed, asking him if he was coming back before work today. He said no. When he was leaving, he hugged me and I asked if he's going to try. He didn't reply. I said that's the saddest thing ever if he's not going to try. Then he left and I watched him go once again. I miss yesterday, when he was actually comforting me, hugging me like he still felt something for me. He kissed me then. I miss that. I miss him. I miss us. I can't lose him. I can't. I'm too old for this. We were meant to be set for life together. What will people think!? I know that's totally not the point but I don't want people to know. I told Jessi but that's all. Gordo knows, but that's all. I can't do this. He doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care that I'm upset and crying. He's immune. He has been for the last 3 years. The first time I cried in our relationship he was so worried for me and comforted me. That doesn't happen anymore. He didn't even try last night with dinner. He said he would get us a nice dinner. I thought that would be the turning point. I was going to try with all my being last night but he shut that down when he didn't come home. Yesterday I thought we'd have weeks to figure this out. I'm not sure we'll last that long. I don't know what to do except cry. I have all this homework to do and places to go today and work this evening. This is fucked. He's left me all alone again and he doesn't care one bit. He's not going to try! I can feel it. We're never going to get back to being happy when we have this hanging over our heads. I think he's given up already and is just giving me time to get used to it. I can't do this anymore. I never thought I'd be upset like this again. He said yesterday he isn't going to make a rash decision, like it's all up to him. What do I do? This has come at the worst time. He just left me like this today. How could he? He's left me all upset like he's not in it anymore. I feel like it's already over. Please let it get better! How can it? I don't think it will. It has to get better. I has to. It has to. I won't survive this. This isn't an adolescent break up. This is the rest of my life he's throwing away. I have already seen our lives together and they don't stop here, now. They can't. We have to be together for the rest of our lives. That's the plan. That's what I want. I want him to come home and I want to be like normal, the good normal. I want to laugh with him and for him to touch me. He hasn't touched me in ages though. What am I going to do? I'm in the middle of Uni and I have my assignments to finish. He's my life blood. This can't be happening. It can't.

It's true...

...some things never change. I have gotten a few messages from Yorick tonight. The first said that he'll have a few drinks with Gordo after work. The second was to say he ate there and that he can get me something. The whole point was for us to eat together and hang out instead of me waiting for him to come home, something that happens a lot. He's not even trying. It's easier for him to avoid me, avoid this new development. I bet he won't be home till 10pm, probably even later than that. I got in first. I asked him if he was doing anything tonight and he said no. He said he'd bring something nice back for dinner and we could watch a movie but who was I kidding? Of course that wasn't really going to happen. It just stopped me crying for a little while. What a great start.

I will not lose you.

Time to reassess

We had a big talk and I cried the whole time. He's been thinking for the last month or so how we're not working as well as we used to and he's been trying to save me getting hurt before telling me. It's all a bit of a blur but I just can't imagine life without him. Sure I can imagine it, but not how it would really be, and I don't want that. He's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, no doubt about it, and I don't want us to break up. I guess we haven't been happy like we used to be, spending time with each other, not just in the same house. He's out clearing his head before work and then he's going to bring back a tasty dinner and we might watch a movie together and eat lemon gelato up at the Signal Station.

We have had such a crappy week. Our relationship has sucked since last weekend. We've barely talked, haven't had any physical contact, but when he was telling me his thoughts and how he thinks we're not working at the moment he held me while I cried. When we hugged it felt so right to me. When we kissed it was a little strange. Tentative, not us. We kissed a bit more at the end before he left and it got better. Please don't let that be a sign.

He said if we broke up he's not sure if it would be the worst mistake of his life or the best thing for him. What about me? It would be the worst thing for me. I have missed him so much this week and didn't realise it until today. I hated not talking to him and all I want to do is be back to our best with him. I really miss him.

I said I'd do anything to make us work again, even if that means we don't live together. That way we'd come together and the time we spent with each other would be because we want to, not just because we live together. It does seem like we're taking our relationship for granted. I don't want this to end. I will not let it happen, not without a fight. I told him just that.

I asked him if he had talked to anyone about it and he said he talked to Gordo. He said that Gordo just listened and said Yorick has to do what is best for him. He has always had trouble expressing his thoughts and he said that today. He did well though but me and my sieve of a mind has forgotten exactly what he said. I know the gist all too well though.

When he was getting ready to go, I went downstairs before he could leave and I asked if he still loves me. He said of course he does. This whole thing is breaking my heart. I asked him a couple of times what we do from here and he said he doesn't know. He's not sure what to do next either. All I know is that I will try and do anything and everything in my power to keep us together and to make our relationship great again. What we need to do is work on us as a couple, spend time together talking and laughing and getting back to basics.

I'm trying to be strong. He thinks I'm strong and would be able to cope if we weren't together anymore. If, heaven forbid, we did break up, I hope he would realise his mistake and come back to me. Please don't let it come to that. I will never get over him, never, and there had better be no need for me to try. I'm so mixed up right now. I think positive in that we'll work this out, then I think completely negative and get upset thinking about what it we did break up and how soon would that be?

I don't want to be single again. I thought I was set for life. I don't want to be living life without him. I don't want anyone to know what we're going through. I want to keep pretending if it won't be okay. Oh, please, let it all be okay. I wonder how we will be tonight. I think we'll have a good night, unless he has been thinking about it and made decisions. I have to know if he's going to try too. I know he's not making any decisions any time soon but he's already started breaking my heart.

I asked if he was okay and he said no. I'm not okay either. I'm really not sure what will happen. Things aren't working as well as they used to and that might be the reason he has to let us go. Can we come back from this?

No replies

I've written him a couple of messages with no replies. The first was asking if he'd maybe bring some hot chips home if he was coming home. The second said that we need to talk and is he coming home? I keep thinking we'll end up breaking up. I need to know what he's thinking about us. I keep replaying myself asking him direct questions but I stop them just before the bad answers get said. I don't know what's wrong to warrant almost a weeks worth of silence and avoidance.

Yesterday we were getting slightly better. And the day before when we had Holly and Ruben over for pizza and a movie. He was more civil and getting closer to normal, but we've continued along the silence path since then. He replied this morning when I asked if he wanted to get dinner together and some groceries and again when I got home and asked when he was getting home too. He said he'd let me know. He hasn't. His messages were short and direct. I don't like that and today has been another bad day for us and we haven't even seen each other. I can't wait till we get back to happy.

Empty

I just read a beautiful post in a blog I stumbled upon by a woman called Diane from Kent, England. It stuck a chord with me. I'm feeling a bit sad at the moment, not only because of Yorick but partly because of the film I just watched -- Silk. I like the way sad movies make me feel feelings I didn't know I had. I like feeling something. It's as if I haven't felt anything in a while. That makes me sad. I like it when I'm with my sister or Jessi and I truly laugh. Most of the time I have a fairly hollow laugh and it worries me. I don't let the worry reach me most of the time but it is there. I don't want to be empty.

The unknown

I wonder when we'll be happy again.

Are we okay?

I'm not sure what's happening with Yorick and me but it's not good. We're too quiet and barely speak. It's been good having a day away but I'm wondering what it will be like when I go home this afternoon. I think I'll confront him about it, ask what's wrong with us and how to fix it. I like us happy and in love. We have had a problem for a while concerning sexual intimacy. We are in a pattern of abstaining. I want to want him like that again. It just seems like a chore and like it won't be beneficial but when we're having sex it's good. It's just not part of our routine. I worry about that and I'm always the one to bring it up. I'm always the one to bring anything up. He's not a big talker when it comes to such issues. I wish he were. I wish I knew what he was thinking but when I ask he still doesn't tell. He's very secretive and mysterious. I like that about him but it's hard at the same time because sometimes I feel like I don't know him very well. He's complex. It's hard knowing all about me and not being able to read his thoughts or memories. Then again, I might not like everything I heard or saw. I would like to know where we are now though. We don't really fight, we just keep away from each other. Being silent isn't fun. Not much passion I suppose. I just want us back to normal.

Back on-line at last

This whole daylight savings thing is really messing with me. It feels later than it really is and I'm more tired because of it. It might also be because I haven't been doing much this Easter holiday. I have homework to do, and I always watch some TV series, but not much outdoor activities, which I might have to correct. I will try and get into the routine of going for a walk every day or something. I don't want to waste my life.

The internet is finally working again. Yorick changed the modems so that might have something to do with it. I've missed the internet. It has been a bit of a curse but I'm addicted! I need my fix. I might have to wean myself off some of the games I play. I also need to drink a heap more water, as per usual. That's a bit off topic but there you go.

I bought an iPod Touch today for $244 from Big W. I named her Pixie Pod. I have got an armband case on the way via eBay so I can go running with it. I have always wanted to live near a beach so I can go running on it but I might have to start here on the road and do a loop around the oval. That will have to do. I can wear sunnies if I'm that self-conscious, which I am, but it will be good to get in that routine, especially in Winter aka Autumn.

Yorick and I haven't been too great lately. We barely talk, especially since the weekend. I wanted to get his attention at Gordo's farewell party and he got annoyed at me. Since then we been quiet. It's weird. I like us happy and smiley. Hopefully it gets back to normal soon. I miss getting all excited when he comes home and I run down the stairs yelling our combined name: Tate, short for Taters. I say "Tayyyyyte!" and run down to him and we kiss and hug and talk about our days. Not so much lately though. Sad face.

It's getting cold now so I might jump into bed shortly and start sleeping. I like being back on-line :D