Guilt

Sophie wrote to me a little while ago about stuff that happened at Maddy's party and as such I wrote back. It's been a little while since she replied to my reply but I was happy to find out that Yorick is doing a lot worse than I am, which also makes me feel guilty. It's as if our roles have been switched, that I should feel worse and him better, but it's nice to be on this side for a change. Through this whole thing I have been coping easily and well and as such I feel strange because I feel I'm meant to feel a certain way. It still gets me.

Sophie saw him at his house last night and she said he said he's been missing me this week. She said it seems to be sinking in for him that it's over for us and that it threw him seeing me at the party probably because I was happy and sociable and having a great time and didn't seem at all depressed. I like that he's missing me and struggling more than I am but as I've mentioned that also makes me feel guilty. Holly said after I messaged her about this that "he probably thought [I] would lose it but [I've] shown [myself] to be made of stronger stuff." She mentioned that we always knew he would regret it and that it seems to be happening sooner rather than later. I suppose that's true. I'll make a solid plan with him this week to catch up.

I am actually sad that he's struggling with it all. I believe it's partly because he doesn't have much of substance in his life at the moment to look forward to or to be proud of. He needs to stop smoking and drinking so much and make something of his life. He's so smart and can get anywhere if he puts his mind to it. I know he'll be okay one day. I hate that we're not close anymore as I would love to have that again. I would love to comfort him and hug him and joke with him like we used to but it wouldn't be the same. If I show any affection now I'm afraid he might take that as me wanting him back or something. I'm fine with the way things are.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Sophie reassured me that he hasn't slept with anyone and she insisted that she believe he wouldn't have cheated on me so that's nice to hear. I see him kissing that girl as helping him deal with things as that's how I expect boys to cope. I was a bit sad to hear about it, naturally. Sometimes I think of us kissing again or at least hugging. I loved our cute bits and miss them a lot. Life is strange without him but I don't have constant reminders to pull me back from progress. I'm getting through it.