All alone again

So my aunts left not too long ago, about an hour ago, and I'm feeling sad and alone in myself. I'm sad that they've left as it was nice having someone here all the time for back up when there was no one else here and to do things with, and now that they're gone I miss that. What I really miss is having a partner, the guy to complete me, to do things with, and share a life with. That's what I want and that's definitely what I don't have.

I don't want to do it all alone and alone I will be for a while at least. I do want to get in shape before I meet someone, but I'll go with the flow as love or a deep friendship might surprise me. I think about moving to Melbourne and I'm still scared even though I'll have friends there just because of the fact that I will be alone. I really want a partner to share it all with and to help me live life without being scared. With someone by my side I know I can do more. That sounds a bit pathetic but that's just me I guess.

I hate that I have to go to work today in some ways because of how I'm feeling, but it'll be good for me to get out, earn some money, and take my mind off things. I have plenty of time to feel crappy like this.

I like when mum and I are on the same wavelength talking about my future. We had a really good chat last night at dinner with Jan and Fra [the New Sydney] and I have decided to only focus on step 1. Step 1 is going to Melbourne and completing my diploma of museum studies. I have no idea what will come after that but I just need this focus to begin with. Anything can happen after that. I was about to write some ideas but I just have to leave it at this for now. Complete step 1 and decide from there. Getting work is the main idea.

I really liked having Jan and Fra here. It's always better when I'm older as I remember more and am more adult. Last night we went to dinner at the New Sydney. It was a bit of a shambles with getting a good table even though we booked and we had to sit on the stage. They are the nice tables but when the band comes and tries to set up around you it's a bit awkward. In the day we went to the Leworthy's for morning tea in the sun, then met up with Sarah and went to Bellerive for lunch and a stroll around the semi-boardwalk. Then it was to the Cascade Gardens to meet up for a drink with dad's friend Adrian who runs the place. Too much sun for me. I hate the heat. Then it was home and we all, minus Sarah plus mum, sat on the deck and had a glass of champagne before dinner. The day before, dad, Jan and Fra and I went to the Maritime Museum for a wander then to the TMAG [Tasmanian Museum and Art Gallery] Courtyard for a bite and a beer [strawberry milkshake for me]. I wish I had written more down or remembered it more as now there are no more outings. I feel depressed. There have been lots of walks, like the Snug Falls one we did earlier in the week then to the Pancake Train in Margate. I didn't go with them sometimes. I just miss them and I miss that company because I now feel so alone and I don't want to be alone or go through life alone. Friends just don't cut it.

I need to snap out of this, or at least get on with my day. I have to shower and get ready for work with my dad, then head to my sister's to drop off her birth certificate then head to work for 4-5 hours with my dad. I'm meant to be meeting up with Sophie for drinks but I'm not sure I can be bothered. I'll see how I go. That means I might have to pack extra clothes. Drat it.

Right, definitely time to get off the internet and brave it and deal with the aloneness. I have a catch up with Holly to look forward to on Friday. All this week I need to spend it writing my essay. I might take it outside or just sit downstairs in the sun room. I find my room a bit depressing when I'm alone.

I'm mad at myself for not remembering more about their trip. I can look over my blog and see what's what. I know they went to Stanley for a while and there were lots of dinners and Etta fixes and things like that. I don't know why it bothers me so much! Arr.