All alone again

So my aunts left not too long ago, about an hour ago, and I'm feeling sad and alone in myself. I'm sad that they've left as it was nice having someone here all the time for back up when there was no one else here and to do things with, and now that they're gone I miss that. What I really miss is having a partner, the guy to complete me, to do things with, and share a life with. That's what I want and that's definitely what I don't have.

I don't want to do it all alone and alone I will be for a while at least. I do want to get in shape before I meet someone, but I'll go with the flow as love or a deep friendship might surprise me. I think about moving to Melbourne and I'm still scared even though I'll have friends there just because of the fact that I will be alone. I really want a partner to share it all with and to help me live life without being scared. With someone by my side I know I can do more. That sounds a bit pathetic but that's just me I guess.

I hate that I have to go to work today in some ways because of how I'm feeling, but it'll be good for me to get out, earn some money, and take my mind off things. I have plenty of time to feel crappy like this.

I like when mum and I are on the same wavelength talking about my future. We had a really good chat last night at dinner with Jan and Fra [the New Sydney] and I have decided to only focus on step 1. Step 1 is going to Melbourne and completing my diploma of museum studies. I have no idea what will come after that but I just need this focus to begin with. Anything can happen after that. I was about to write some ideas but I just have to leave it at this for now. Complete step 1 and decide from there. Getting work is the main idea.

I really liked having Jan and Fra here. It's always better when I'm older as I remember more and am more adult. Last night we went to dinner at the New Sydney. It was a bit of a shambles with getting a good table even though we booked and we had to sit on the stage. They are the nice tables but when the band comes and tries to set up around you it's a bit awkward. In the day we went to the Leworthy's for morning tea in the sun, then met up with Sarah and went to Bellerive for lunch and a stroll around the semi-boardwalk. Then it was to the Cascade Gardens to meet up for a drink with dad's friend Adrian who runs the place. Too much sun for me. I hate the heat. Then it was home and we all, minus Sarah plus mum, sat on the deck and had a glass of champagne before dinner. The day before, dad, Jan and Fra and I went to the Maritime Museum for a wander then to the TMAG [Tasmanian Museum and Art Gallery] Courtyard for a bite and a beer [strawberry milkshake for me]. I wish I had written more down or remembered it more as now there are no more outings. I feel depressed. There have been lots of walks, like the Snug Falls one we did earlier in the week then to the Pancake Train in Margate. I didn't go with them sometimes. I just miss them and I miss that company because I now feel so alone and I don't want to be alone or go through life alone. Friends just don't cut it.

I need to snap out of this, or at least get on with my day. I have to shower and get ready for work with my dad, then head to my sister's to drop off her birth certificate then head to work for 4-5 hours with my dad. I'm meant to be meeting up with Sophie for drinks but I'm not sure I can be bothered. I'll see how I go. That means I might have to pack extra clothes. Drat it.

Right, definitely time to get off the internet and brave it and deal with the aloneness. I have a catch up with Holly to look forward to on Friday. All this week I need to spend it writing my essay. I might take it outside or just sit downstairs in the sun room. I find my room a bit depressing when I'm alone.

I'm mad at myself for not remembering more about their trip. I can look over my blog and see what's what. I know they went to Stanley for a while and there were lots of dinners and Etta fixes and things like that. I don't know why it bothers me so much! Arr.

I hate the heat!

I had a coffee/hot chocolate with my old high school and primary school friend Angie today! It was really nice catching up with her. So much is happening and it seems like she's about to become an adult with her first real job after just finishing Uni doing engineering. Even her brother has an awesome job as a commercial pilot. And here I am, about to commence more studies, and I don't have a career yet. I wish I did but I'll be glad to have a relatively cruisy/cruisey year. I can't wait to be able to look for a 'real' job in cultural heritage or museums. That will be the icing on top of the cake.

I can't escape the heat! It's gotten hot here and it's really annoying me. I'm sick of the heat. I should go from one side of the world to the other eliminating summer. I think that would be great and it would suit me just fine! I'll have to do that one year. Gosh I hate the heat.

I have decided that next week I'll spend my time writing my essay and the following week I'll start studying the books Deakin has sent me. That is my plan. It's so nice not to have to work. Working for my dad doesn't seem like work but it'll nice to have a little income to top up what I've spent and will spend because I can't not spend anything. I might go a bit mad staying at home all the time but I'll just have to do it. Not to watch the last episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender. I am excited to see how it ends but I don't want it to end! Sad. Then it's off to my uncle and his partner's house for dinner. I might wear one of my new Sydney maxi dresses.

Time to rest

I have had a work-filled weekend and am really glad it's a rest day today. There's the possibility of work tonight but I hope I'm not needed as James and George and Etta and Sarah are over for dinner tonight and it's been a while since my birthday hugs with Etta. I'm working Tuesday, all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday anyway so that will be enough. I need to restore my energy, especially since I've been working at Relish lately.

Last night I grabbed hold of my brainwave about looking on the website I applied to Sydney because waiting for an email isn't right. I haven't received any offers yet but it might be a good idea to call up and ask someone about when I would hear back. I'm really excited. I can't wait to finally find out if I'm in. I wish this with all my heart. The Melbourne course is just not good enough so I'm extra wishing for Sydney. Please, oh, please let me get in.

Sydney is seriously all I think about these days. It's great to have something so wonderful to look forward to. I can't wait for change next year, wherever I end up. I think I might plan for an end-of-year holiday for myself. Emma and I did mention going to Thailand and Vietnam and other nearby countries so we might have to make that a definite! A few months would be fantastic. One day I'll get to Tibet and Peru and Nepal and China and Japan and Korea and Singapore and Malaysia and Indonesia and Bali and Hawaii and the list goes on! I want to do a lot of travelling.

I can't wait to some of my museum/archaeology books arrive in the mail. I also can't wait until Wednesday when I get to order some more. I am also excited about getting to put money into my bank. I don't want to spend too much on things so I have enough money to support myself while trying to find a job in Sydney. Centrelink will help me.

I love living over in the shed. It's my own space and it's much bigger and it just feels refreshing and right. I love watching shows late at night with the volume at a normal level. I would always have it at a lower level when living in the main house. I like having all of my stuff around me too. It's a good living situation. I can't wait until next year and having my own house. It'll be fantastic! A little bare at first but that's alright. It'll be my own home and it'll be all my own doing. I can't wait!

Down, down, down

So I hung out with Andi last night. We had a bit chat about relationships and she is sure I'll meet my future husband. I love that she used the same terms I used. "Future husband." That's how I always think of him. Lately I've been sad because I hate my life right now and can't wait for 2011 when it will all be better. I want to know everything will turn out as I hope it will, although some things don't happen for a reason. I just miss being in a relationship, despite knowing it's for the best, and want my future now. I want a preview of my future family and life but I know that's impossible. I'm just sad because I don't have much going on right now and it's hard being alone, especially living at my parents and waiting to hear where I get accepted to. It's just hard.

I do love that I'm volunteering for the Maritime though. It's special and getting me to where I need to go. I'm looking forward to my session there on Monday. Tuesday will be busy with the Melbourne Cup races on at Elwick, and I might even have to work that night [possibly both], and I am hoping for more work at thebeach to get me money and keep me occupied. It's too late to find another job with only 3 months to go [I wanted to apply for the job at Video City. It closes on the 2nd of November so I still have time ... but is it pointless? Maybe I should anyway and mention in the cover letter that I'm moving and hoping for a transfer, if they have Video City in Sydney or Melbourne. I know they have Blockbuster] so I'll have to get enough work at thebeach and the occasional day at Relish. I've saved $1200 already, will hopefully get some from my car, and put away $100 a week at least, hopefully more like at least $150 and closer to $200. It all depends on how much work I get. Sigh.

I am really hating feeling so down. It's been like this for the last few months, after I was done healing after the break up, when I was ready to get back out there and work, work, work. Unfortunately that didn't stick and I'm ready to be active but don't have the opportunity in the places I want to be. I'm sad and I don't like it. Once December comes and Jan and Fra arrive I think things will be better. I always enjoy Christmas and family time. I'll be working a lot more around then I think because thebeach will get busy. I'm not too fussed about New Year celebrations as I'll probably be working. I wouldn't mind a drink though. Hopefully December will give me the best news of the year. Then it will be January. Great weather, and I can finally start making some concrete plans concerning Uni. I can't wait. I hate being miserable but it's hard not to be. My life isn't all that great right now. Once I move back over to the shed it should pick up. I'll exercise more and feel like I have my own space. I can sit in the bean bag and read. I can focus on my covered buttons and even the idea of making rice balls. I think it will be better over there and it'll lift my spirits a bit. The band came over today [my brother's band, SNERT] so mum and I didn't go over and clean but will do tomorrow. That will do me some good.

I actually have to get ready for work now. I know I'll be happier once I'm there. One reason I don't like to go these days is because of Jarrod. I think he has a crush on me. He's 18 and is getting a bit too affectionate and I don't like it. It's like I'm leading him on. We're just friends but I don't even like seeing him because it can all be construed as leading him on. Ahhh. I don't need this. Hopefully I will be upstairs with Sara and out of his way so I don't have to talk to him much. I hate even thinking about it. Frustrating.