Mini-update

I had such a great night hanging out with Emma last night. She and I have so much in common, most importantly the part where our relationships are so similar. It was nice having a girls night. We're going to try and do it more often too.

Yorick and I are fine. Nothing much to report there. Just packing up stuff in the house. I have to do a load tonight.

Uni is good.

I love not working much at all. Alison isn't giving me the shifts I want though. I want Friday and Saturday nights but didn't specify that last time and she put me on for Saturday night and Sunday day. I hate days there. They truly suck.

I think I'll go to K-Mart tonight and buy some new shoes. Emma and I went there late last night and I found some cute ones for only $20!

7:50pm April 24

When we first started renting in this house, there was this cute cupboard I've been using to put my clothes in and I absolutely adore it. Since Yorick and I are about to move out, which has been delayed until roughly Monday the 10th, I asked Jon tonight if I could buy it and he just replied saying it’s mine for $20! I was thinking more like $100 but this is great! I'm so happy. I love it so much.

I saw Yorick this evening briefly before he left again for a night drinking with work mates. We had a bit of a chat, just general stuff, and at the end he said "hugs?" I’m so glad he initiated it because it’s always me and I'm sad that it's rarely ever him. I was thinking today how I wish he were more romantic and also about the fact that it will probably be me initiating catch ups once we're both settled at our new places. I want him to ask me to do something, and I've been considering waiting for him to make the first move once we’re out of this house.

At Sophie's on Monday night she said that she asked him on the weekend if he was staying in this relationship for my benefit but he said he was doing it for himself too. I'm really glad he is. It has been feeling like he’s been pulling away a bit as if trying to get some perspective and see if he truly wants to be with me and it made me sad. In some ways, he's not my ideal guy, but is that guy out there? I'm happy with Yorick. That’s enough for me now. Maybe one day it won’t be.

Tomorrow night I’m going out for drinks with Emma at Onba for $10 Cosmopolitans! Then we're going to have dinner at Cool Thai. I love this routine with her. We haven’t done it in ages but I'm so glad we are doing it tomorrow night. I need more nights like this! I'll put that on my list.

Things are piling up at the moment. I have so much homework and then there's the move to be organised it’s all getting a bit much. I'm not too stressed because I know all my homework will get done and the move will happen too. I am keeping on top of things in my mind so that’s positive. I'll be okay. It’s week 9 at Uni out of 13. Things have gone by so fast and it's strange that all the assignments are due in the next 2 weeks. In my first degree, assignments would already have been done by now so it was more cruiser, but as it is, my head has been thinking about other things so I haven't noticed how fast the semester has gone. Yikes.

I should get back to my homework now actually as there is a movie I want to watch later on. I might be able to homework in between though.

12:58pm April 24

I've been watching One Tree Hill lately and it's been getting me thinking of the kind of relationship I want and what kind of guy I want. I want a guy who will bring me flowers and write me notes. I want someone who will spend his evenings with me. I want a guy who doesn't want to live without me because I make his life better. I want to feel like I'm his first priority and that he plans things around spending time with me. I want to be like a family, having dinner together and talking for hours on the couch. I want to want him, I want to be intimate with him, I want passion and intimacy and romance. I want him to kiss me just because. I want him to spoil me and take care of me.

I want to know if Yorick will be this type of guy and if he has it in him. We have had so many wonderful times together at home and on holiday but lately we've been taking each other for granted and have lost the passion, intimacy and romance. I miss that. We have had some lovely times including all of these things but they were lost along the way. At the moment, Yorick stays out all night and does everything but spend time with me. He needs this move apart more than I do so he can figure out who he wants to be and what he wants. I don't like that I've become accustomed to waiting for him to come home, and to being alone in this house. It's not fair. We both know it. He's more in denial then me though. I want to know if he can be the guy that will treat me like I deserve to be and want to be treated. Will I ever get that kind of guy? I might not be the right kind of girl for that treatment though. I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out when we stop living together.

I want to be his first priority. I want him to be my life partner and continue doing great things together. I want to go on more holidays with him and live in New Zealand with him. He needs to sort himself out so he can treat me like his first priority, once he's done with all the drinking and staying out all night. I hope he realises that he needs to change his behaviour. Am I being naïve? I honestly don't know anymore. All I know is that I feel second rate and I don't want to feel that way anymore. Maybe after this time apart and coming together for quality time he'll be that guy. Maybe he won't.

21 April 9:43pm

I forgot to write about my favourite experience when I was up in Launceston this week. On the Tuesday evening, I went to Rivers to look at some shoes. Once out of the store, I noticed some amazing clouds in the sky, very menacing and threatening a storm. I watched the storm come through and I saw the lightning light up the sky. I could feel it was going to rain and thought I'd better go, after spending 10 minutes staring at the sky from the Rivers car park. I went to Woolworths to get some dinner for Sophie and I and thought I wouldn't need my umbrella. I went in, did my shopping, got to the check out and saw it was pouring down in fast, heavy rain. I got outside the doors and saw everyone standing around waiting for the rain to stop. I stood there for a moment and thought "fuck it" and went for it. I started to walk fast then decided to take my time. It was a very liberating and glorious thing to do and it was so much fun. I remembered my fortune cookie from Christmas lunch at Yorick's aunt Di's place: "Allow yourself to be spontaneous." Spontaneity is one of my weaknesses. I was very proud though and I had such a great time doing it. Bring on the next time!

21 April 1:33pm

Coming back from Launceston is always a plus. It’s nice getting clean in my own shower and having all Wednesday to do whatever. I love not working much these days as it lowers my stress levels for Uni. I have to get working on my assignments this week. There is a lot to do.

On Sunday night, Yorick and I went to Fish Frenzy for dinner. It was yum but very filling. Back at home we were talking about our living arrangements and he said he might not want to live apart. That day at Margate for lunch I had told everyone that I would be moving home and that we were doing this for us. When he said that after I had gotten used to the idea of us living apart it seemed weird. I thought that living apart would be better. Today, after 2 days apart, we discussed it again and he started off by saying that the rent here and at the place he could move into are on different week so we could stay here for 3 more weeks and get prepared. I knew right then that he’d come to his senses about what’s best for us so we’re planning to do the best thing –- live separately. I’m glad we’ll be out of this house as it’s hard to keep clean.

It’s really annoying not having the internet anymore because of the fools next door playing with the connection. I would be updating more but it’s not possible right now. Oh I wish it were. I also need the internet to find pictures for my poster assignment.

I thought about a tattoo I might really get while I was up in Launceston. I’m thinking of my surname in thick black capitol letters on my left wrist. I love my wrist bands and I’d be able to cover it with sleeves or a watch for when I’m in the field for social work and I love my family. That will never change.

Which couple?

Life is like a race. Some couples make it to the end while others are only meant to make it half way. That is from One Tree Hill and I found it very appropriate for what's happening with Yorick and I. Which couple are we?

I'm glad that when we move our separate ways regarding living arrangements that I won't have to be waiting for him to get home, or not get home as is more common, which is something I do a lot. Things will be better in that way because he'll come over or I'll go over to his place and we'll be together for the night, or a certain time. No more waiting on my behalf. I'm very excited about that.

I have been making a list of all the things I'll need to buy for my new house and also a list of the things I will have. It's helping me get prepared and exited for the new times ahead. Hopefully once I move back to Margate and spend a few weeks there, I can be ready to move into my own place before semester ends. It will be hard at that time but I'll be able to do it. I have Wednesday to Sunday free and I will be able to move in as well as study, I know it. I think semester ends in June and our last assignment is due on May 11th. Heaps of time. Once I've saved enough money for the important things on my list as well as bond then I can move out. I'll get proper meals too! Healthy.

I'm going to make some cupcakes today and some banana bread. I have to do the washing up and in between that I will be watching Lost Season 6 on Yorick's laptop. We haven't told Jon and Gai yet that we have to move out. They've been here too but we're both chicken. I'm sure they'll understand. I will be glad to be away from Jon's constant housekeeping aka mowing the grass and pottering about.

I might go bake.

Believe that dreams come true

Take a look at yourself in a mirror -- who do you see looking back? Is it the person you want to be? Or is there someone else you're meant to be -- the person you should have been but fell short of? Is someone telling you you can't or you won't? Because you can. Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do. Sometimes, happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life. Believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do. So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be, believe that. And believe that dreams come true everyday, because they do.

-- One Tree Hill, Season 6 Episode 24.

New adventures

I need to save up for my bond. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that until I get more Centrelink, which will increase only when Yorick and I aren't living together anymore. I'm glad I'll be getting more money soon and I might be able to do 2 shifts at work and get $480 per fortnight. I'm going to sell my iPod Touch because it's not what I thought it would be. I'll get $250 back for that at least, fingers crossed, and I'll save as much as I can. Nothing is going to happen in the next few weeks, well maybe, but it's no rush. I might be able to get a Centrelink loan for the bond too. I'll need a new bed and couch, which I'll be able to get for under $500 from Fantastic Furniture. I have a TV, dining set, CD player, chest of draws and a desk, all of which will get me started. What a great new adventure on the horizon.

New horizons

We just had a great talk about houses and what to do. We're going to stick together and make us work but to do that I think we'll have to live separately. I'm looking at 1 bedroom places in Blackman's Bay but nothing much is coming up at the moment. I'll check the paper on Saturday. We're going to have dinner together tomorrow night and Sunday night. I'm feeling better. I asked him to make out earlier and he said maybe. That made me sad. A little while later he came up to me and kissed me. Then we talked. I'm happier now. I'm feeling optimistic too. I'm glad he's going to try. We'll come together and it'll be about us, about connecting and about spending time together. We can stay at each other's house and have our own space. I think this will be great. I would love to live with him in a bigger place but I don't think it'd be good for us at this stage. I would like to live on my own. I've always considered it, wondering what it would be like. I'd be able to spread out and set up my TV and CD player that I got for my 18th birthday. I would also get more money from Centrelink because we wouldn't be living together anymore and that way I could save up for some furniture from Fantastic Furniture. I will do this because I want to keep us together and also because it'll be good for me. I'm kinda excited!

Return to Hobart

I am very glad to be back from Launceston and feeling nice and clean. I love my shower the best. I did enjoy staying an extra night though and I might make that a habit. It's going to get darker a lot quicker than I'm used to when driving back to Hobart from Launceston. I don't want to have an accident on that road. It's notorious for accidents. I also hate driving at night because of the lights coming straight at me. They are too bright. If it weren't for that, I would love driving at night, and I do. We watched some good TV and I saw her on the news for WIN Television. It was good! I need to try and watch her more. Maybe if/when Yorick and I get a new house I can get my own set top box and have it set up permanently so it'll be easy to watch the news. Sometimes it's set on his Playstation but I don't think it is now. Maybe I'll try watch it tonight.

After I left Zum on Monday afternoon where I had a hot chocolate and got a muffin for my morning tea the next day, Yorick and I didn't have a nice farewell and I wrote myself a note when I got to Launceston saying I felt like I was on probation and didn't want to be sad soon but that it might happen soon. I accidentally sent that to him and he asked if it was about that afternoon. I just said I was writing to myself and how I felt a little strange about our goodbye. I'm home now and so is he. He's still in bed sleeping so I guess we'll talk later. I hope he'll actually have dinner with me tonight. Oh I wish. Hopefully we can talk about what we're going to do and how I feel like if we live together we'll stay in these bad habits. I'm scared about that. We'll just have to discuss it.

Sophie said he sent her a message the other day and I got her to send it to me. It gives me hope:

Yeah I'm ok considering. See how things pan out. Look after her tomorrow night.

It's really sweet of him to ask her to look after me. And she did. We had a big chat about it and it's done me the world of good. He still cares about me. I'm just not sure what he wants, really. I still feel like he's trying to save me from pain. That's not helpful. This messages makes me think he's really going to try though. Not super hard but he'll try. That's all I'm asking for. Maybe we can look for a new house this weekend or something. We need new elements of togetherness in our lives together, like kicking the soccer ball around on the oval and sitting down for dinner. Last night in bed I thought that we could have 2 nights a week [Wednesday or Thursday depending on Margate dinner and Sunday] together where we have dinner and hang out. That would be a start. We can also do the soccer thing and just catch up. I'd like it if we got a new house, bigger, and had separate rooms. I'll ask him later.

Today I just want to watch One Tree Hill but I have some washing to do and some flute practice. I also need to heat up a bit. It's a cold one today.

Things are looking better

So things are better. Yorick came home last night while I was in bed watching One Tree Hill 6 and he crawled onto the bed and into my arms. I said how I was so glad he was there and that it was something we needed to do together. He was in denial yesterday and has been for a while I think. He said he wasn't sure if breaking up is the key and said he doesn't want to lose me but things do need to change. I told him I'd always want him and didn't want us to give up. We chatted for a while and it was just like we used to. We kissed a bit and talked. He doesn't like this house anymore and we talked about maybe getting a bigger one and having separate rooms and having sleepovers. We need our own space to do the little thing we want to do and I think we can still be together while doing it.

When we went to sleep, he actually held me! We took it in turns spooning each other. That word is weird. I don't like using it but I can't find another way to describe that. This morning he was still nice. This was the best we've been in a long time. I felt so happy when he came home and lay in my arms. It gave me hope. I shouldn't have thought it was over just because of a few text messages. We did say what we needed to say but talking it over in person changes things. It wasn't as final as I thought it was.

Last night I 'knew' it was over. That was my reality. Now we're going to try and make things better while still being true to ourselves. Last night I was getting used to the idea of not being together, thinking about all the things I'd like to do. I hope we stick together in this. I told him that it is something we need to do together, whatever it is.

I might start making a list of all the things I'd like to do. A lot of them will be small but I'll aim for the big things too. I should get Yorick to do one too. I know we can work this out.

11:50 Last night

I'm slowly accepting this but I’m most disappointed by him and his lack of respect. He should have been with me tonight. I'll really hit that home when we next talk. Visiting Holly was the best thing for me.

Is it over?

Oh he is a piece of work that boyfriend of mine. I just got this message:

Bailing on you again tonight. Tomorrow night we can have dinner and sort this out

So I replied:

I work tomorrow. I’m away Monday day/night with Uni. And Tuesday. Wednesday I have Margate dinner. You always do this! The funny thing is, after our chat I knew you wouldn’t come. It’s really unfair the way you treat me. I feel completely second rate. I deserve better from you. At least come home tonight. I have time in the day tomorrow to talk. I have a few options to discuss.

I wonder what he thinks of that. I hope he knows how shit he treats me and that it’s not cool. I want to say something like “I wonder why I thought tonight would be any different” but I might just leave it till I cool down a bit.

He sent this reply:

Tomorrow I have soccer then work. I’ve locked my keys in my car so relying on others for lifts tonight. I realise how bad I’ve been treating you, that’s that's half my argument because you do deserve better than what I can give you.

I’m glad he sees how crap he treats me. He’d better pick his act up and start treating me right. It feels to me like he's ready to just give up. This has all gone by so quickly and he hasn't given me any real answers. I might have to call Holly tonight. I have no idea where this came from. Why has it all gone down hill and why is he treating me like shit?

My reply:

We may as well just discuss this over text. I still want to be with you. I want us to hang out with each other and laugh and smile and kiss and hug and be intimate. I want you! What brought all of this on anyway? There has to be something that made you realise whatever you realised. Do you want space to drink yourself to near-death? What?

It's like I'm waiting for the death penalty or something, waiting for his reply. I feel it's bad but knowing what he wants is the key to this problem.

I just wrote: We could not live together so seeing each other would be fun and something we wanted again ... You can have space if you want, I just want to keep this relationship going because we've come so far together.

Somehow I'm not sure that will work.

He just wrote:

I want space to be myself. Sadly this is not at all a new idea to me, I've been thinking this off and on for quite a while. Had been waiting for some sort of more convenient timing but I've realised there is no such thing. I'm sorry to break your heart because you are such a beautiful person and I don't want you to be hurt but I can't be in a relationship any more. I can't stay just because breaking up hurts.

Me:

Thanks for finally finding the guts to tell me what you really think. It took you too long but its nice to know where we stand. I hope you realise one day you made a huge mistake. I don't know what to say. My heart is broken and I'm scared to be alone but I guess I have no choice. We should talk more in person. I know it has to end but not like this. After 4 years you owe me more than this as our last goodbye.

So I'm crying right now. This is horrible. I had the worst feeling it was coming to an end but I can't believe how sudden it was! Text messages is a bad way to have this conversation but at least it's happening and we can say exactly what we want. It doesn't feel real though.

Me: Can you please come home?

No reply as yet. We still have to discuss stuff about what to do with this house so it will be a gradual ending. I guess I'll go back to mum and dad's. I never thought I'd go back there to live. This was meant to be it! He was meant to be the rest of my life! I need for him to be here. I need for him to comfort me. We weren't meant to break up over text messages!

I'm calling him .................... He didn't pick up! I am a bit pathetic. I need for him to comfort me. I need to feel like there's some kind of normal around me. I need him home.

I tried to call and he cancelled it! He's such a coward. I called Holly instead and it was the best thing. She's my lifeline and I'm feeling more optimistic because of her. I just need to get some distance from this. We talked about how there have been signs that are making me realise I might not have been as happy as I thought I was. One sign is the Falls Festival bracelet I've been wearing for over 4 years, 05-60 New Year's Eve. It started to fray a week or two ago. That's my sign all right.

He finally replied: I might come home later tonight.

So I wrote:

It's okay, I've calmed down a bit. I had a chat to Holly. She made me feel better about it all yesterday and has again today. Do what you want. That is why you did this after all. You are officially free. We do need to talk about the house and shared items and stuff so let me know when you're ready for that. I really thought we'd be together forever. Silly me.

So that's it. We're done. 26th of February 2006 to the 10th of April 2010. 4 years and almost 2 months. We did well together for that long considering he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

I am going to plan my trip to the UK, something to look forward to. I'm going to take more photos and do some amazing things. I might even take a year off between the 2 years of Social Work. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I've stopped crying for the minute and that we're not together anymore. It was a good thing he stopped that call from happening because I was a wreck before talking to Holly.

It might be a while before we can talk because I have a busy few days coming up and he is busy tomorrow. I'm not sure if I want to see him tonight to figure out the details or whether to wait until later in the week. That might be torture though.

I kinda want my own room, to make it all pretty and have flowers and inspiring pictures on the wall. I will find the good out of this. I'll do all the things I've wanted to do but haven't made the time to do. I won't have to answer to anyone, not that he cared about that stuff, but being free might not be so bad. I knew it was coming. We hadn't been good in a while. I'll miss him, desperately, but I have to find the good.

I wrote:

If you can come home tonight that would be great. I'm not sure I want to wait too long before having a real chat. Please message me if you will or not. I can help pay for a taxi if you need. Otherwise maybe tomorrow at some stage, even after I finish work.

Talking to Holly was the best thing. I don't want to be crying. Now I am because I asked myself if it's real or not. It won't be real until I'm not living here anymore and we've sorted all the details out. I should go wash my face and watch some One Tree Hill now. Eat some of my now cold dinner.

I cleaned my face and am okay. I wrote to him:

I'm glad we 'talked' about this but I just wanted it to be in person. We owed that to each other. I care about that kind of stuff. Over-messaging I know.

I really don't want the masses to know. Now I have to find another dream. He was my dream. My dream guy. I wanted to make a family with him and a house and kids. I keep thinking he might realise in 6 months that he made a mistake and want me back. That might not happen though. Who knows. I reckon we'll be good friends though. It'll be a little awkward but I think once we sort the house stuff out over a few sessions it'll get easier not being in a relationship together. He's so handy though, proof reading my assignments [which I need done now!] and fixing my computer. Hopefully I'll be able to ask him about that kind of stuff later on. I just don't want him to be with anyone else. I don't want that blow. Please wait forever like I will.

I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be anywhere sympathetic. I don't want to leave the house but I don't want visitors. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. All I want is Yorick's company. That's all I want. The pain hasn't actually started until we're all sorted. I just want to be with him right now. I just want him home. I want his company. I want this breaking up time to go slowly but I want to be doing it together.

I called him and left a message on his voice mail begging him to hang out with me later tonight. I called Holly right before not knowing what to do and I'm heading down to her boat now. He sent me a message just now about getting back into his car after he thought he lost his keys. I hope he comes home later. It was a strange message to send to me. He's probably drunk.

Now [4:36]

I just called him. He didn’t write back to my message [which said that I want to know what he wants from us and if we can have dinner and chat sometime] so I thought what the hell. I didn’t think he’d pick up. I also thought his phone might be flat. He did answer though and fairly quickly. He’s out drinking, as I knew he would be, and I asked him if he has plans for dinner. He said not really. The whole conversation, as short as it was, was not very couple like. He agreed though and I said when he comes home we can go from there. I doubt he will but I gave it a try.

I think he was with Ruben, Holly’s boyfriend and someone I know through his sister [we went to primary school together and he knew my brother at that stage too], and they’re all drinkers. Yorick drinks way too much and doesn’t stop, even when he’s beyond drunk. Maybe this is something he needs to do. I’ll try and find that out tonight if he shows.

It’s as if he has already started his new life. He doesn’t want to come home because I’m here and he is doing what I assume he would do if we were taking some time apart. He's being so rebellious. I'm not the enemy! Or am I, just because I want some certainty like knowing when he'll be home. Why is that so hard?

I've been doing so well today. When I woke up this morning and remembered all about this little drama we have going I wanted to cry. I didn't. I've had a few tears today but only because of One Tree Hill 6. He was right -- I am strong. If he likes the idea of staying together but not living together and seeing each other when we really want to, then I'll do it. I would like to do things like make a pretty house. I'm not sure I'd want to live alone though, and everyone is accounted for regarding living arrangements. Maybe if/when Sophie moves back we could live together. I want to live near the beach and I know she'd love that. I want to run on it and get fit. I just thought I'd do it with Yorick.

I have to find out how he feels about this and what he wants. He does seem really rebellious and childish but that might be a phase he needs to go through. He already is from my point of view but he might need more space to fulfil that need. I'll try and keep this strength with me though and remember that I deserve love and respect and devotion and that I'm not getting any of that from him right now. If we split completely, which I think is insane as we still have feelings for each other [he'd better be telling the truth about still loving me], then I'll chalk it down to his childish ways and know that I'm better than that and ready for more. It will be his loss and he'll realise it. I just hope, in this scenario, that he comes back begging.

I should do more homework... You'll hear from me again shortly...

11:20 Today

I am so glad I don’t have to work today. I got out of it yesterday and I have found that at this particular time of crisis in my relationship with Yorick, staying home and concentrating on homework and allowing myself to rest is the best thing for me. I’ll go to work tomorrow unfortunately but I can’t escape that. I just wish I didn’t have a 2pm Sunday group meeting for Uni. The unofficial leader is so annoying. At least she’ll do most of the work for us. We have done our own parts but she’ll take control.

I’m getting on well with my homework. I’ve done all I can for the court report, although it is rather short, and I’m working on my group proposal today. I haven’t got much left to do for the latter, only 2 of 7 sections left to go. I have all day and night to finish it too. Tomorrow, Angela and I will swap court reports. I have no idea how I’ll get mine closer to 2000 words. It’s barely at 1000. It will have to do.

I think I messaged Yorick too much last night. Unless he wrote back and I didn’t get the messages, which happens too much for my liking, he was ignoring me. The “messages” he is sending to me aren’t good. I think he might need some space. I’ll be happy to give that to him as long as we will still be together, if not in person. I want to be his girlfriend. Hopefully he still wants to be my boyfriend.

10:52 Today

I was just watching the first episode of the sixth season of One Tree Hill and I want the kind of love Lucas and Peyton have, where being together is all that matters. When they’re together, they laugh and kiss and talk and you can see the love from a mile away. That’s what I want. Some people are lucky enough to find that sort of love, and I hope Yorick and I are some of those people. We’ve had our moments, that’s for sure, but not in a while and that’s what I miss. I hope he misses that too. I’m just not sure if he’s ready or not. I deserve love and respect, not how he’s treating me now. I just hope he can give me what I want because I only want it from him.

9:33 Today

Last night when I got home from Jessi’s, all I could think about is that Yorick might have cheated. It would make sense of the way we’ve been going down hill and him not wanting to touch me, and the reason he’s now coming to me about us, but then again he’s an honest persona and I’m hoping this isn’t right. I asked him if he had found somebody else and he said no. I’ll have to ask him if he has or not again as this would be the time. I really don’t want to know if he has though.

He didn’t come home last night. I stayed at Jessi’s till pretty late and sent him a few messages about being able to pick him up. I called him when I was leaving Jessi’s as he said he might be at Wolfy’s but he didn’t pick up. I suppose he didn’t want to be with me since we last talked. I need to sit down with him and have a proper talk about all of this.

It really seems like he won’t try. I can definitely see me moving out to give him some space, but I’m just not sure if it’ll be a space thing or a break thing. Please say space. I don’t want to lose him. I have to find out what he wants though. He just seems so negative and in the headspace of going out lots and feeling free. I give him total freedom, but just ask a few things of him.

We don’t hang out anymore. We don’t have fun together. We don’t laugh together. We aren’t moving forward with our relationship. I don’t want it to be like this. I want to see him happy in my company and actually want to be around me. He’s got some serious issues. What are they?

I haven’t cried since yesterday morning when talking to Holly. I feel like I need to but there hasn’t been any real purpose. I think that’s good. I hadn’t cried this much since Royden. I thought I wouldn’t have to since I found Yorick. I thought I was set for life. I still might be but it feels so unsure at the moment. I do and don’t want to know what happens next.

I wonder if he’ll be home tonight. His phone might have run out of battery, or he might just have been ignoring me. He said he wrote back on Wednesday when I wrote that post about needing to talk to him. I still haven’t gotten those messages. Damn my phone. I bet when he gets home, if he does, that he’ll say hi in a defeated, non-caring tone, and when I approach him and ask him about his day and night last night he will say it very blankly. Then I’ll ask him about what we’re doing, what he wants, where to go from here, and he’ll listen but barely talk. He’s being childish. He’s not being a man, or an adult. He owes me that. 4 years owes us that. I sure hope he gets it together.

I have a plan

Right. I just spent half an hour on the phone talking to Holly about this and she gave me the perspective and empowerment I needed. I feel so much better already having a plan and she made me see that I'm not being treated well when I deserve to be. He makes me feel second rate, second priority to his social life, to his drinking and hanging with friends late into the night. I don't deserve that. She suggested I ask him what he wants from the relationship and let him know what I want, which is to be happy again spending quality time together, and to let him know how his behaviour is affecting me. She also suggested I acknowledge that it's hard for him to open up and talk about these kinds of things but that it's necessary.

I was just thinking about how I need to focus on myself for a bit and do all the wonderful things the world has to offer. I need to see more of the good things in life, and do the simple things like lying in the grass listening to some great music. He might need time to himself to get all this bad behaviour out of his system and realise that there's no one waiting at home for him worrying about where he is. Then he might miss me, miss us. I don't want to break up but I would be happy for us to stop living together so we can have some space and time to reassess. If he does want to break up, then I'll spend some more time with Holly who will be able to make me see that it's not such a bad thing and how to stop crying.

I want the passion back in our relationship. I want the love back. I want us to laugh together and spend time talking to one another and really listening and enjoying each other's company. It seems like he is in a different place right now. It's not me, it's him! He's the one who needs to sort out what he wants. I know what I want, which is just to be together like we used to, but he's the one who has changed. Ah-ha! It is his decision. Not in the breaking up department, that's the last resort for me, but in the way that it's obvious he needs to make some personal changes. He's the one with the problem. My only problem is is that we're not like we used to be. That's all his doing. He changed, he made me feel different because of his social life encroaching on our time together and not apologising for it.

He's being very childish. It was good of him to bring this up but he needs to work out what he wants first before we figure out what to do about us. With conflict, he's the type of person to run away from it, which might be part of the reason why things haven't been working so well lately, but he needs to talk to me about this and I'll be the one to initiate it. It's the woman's job, said Holly. I completely agree.

I am so glad I talked to her about this. She made me see that Yorick has trained me to become desensitised to his behaviour. I used to get worried when he wouldn't come home and would wake up at 4 in the morning and stress. Now I know he's safe somewhere after having drunk himself stupid and it's normal for him to be out till the next day. That's not right. I deserve respect! I deserve to be treated well. Gah.

I'm feeling much more empowered. I wonder how our next big conversation will go. I hope he'll be able to tell me what he wants and realise he needs to figure himself out. I know what I want. What does he want? Does he like his lifestyle now? Does he want that more? Does he want space from me? I'll find out. For now, I'm glad to be feeling happy knowing I'm doing all I can and feeling like it's not all my fault.

The beginning of the end?

I pushed it. Now he's gone for the day and I won't see him till later tonight, if he's home that is. Last night he came home at 830 with some food and chocolate but he was still cold. I saw down at the table and had a tea and he sat there with me. I guess that's his way of trying to connect. Either that or pretending he's trying. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I said yes but we didn't have to, but he said yes. We watched Walk the Line but weren't very close. I held his hand a few times but he kept moving about. Then we went to bed. He was asleep almost instantly so I cuddled him but I doubt he knew I was there. In the morning, we faced each other. His face is lovely. He was getting up fairly early, early for him anyway, to help Gordo move some things to his parents house so he went and had a shower and I started to cry. He hasn't touched me in forever. It was all me initiating it last night but he didn't do it back. All I want is for him to kiss me and hug me like we used to do it. Just before he left this morning he hugged me but it was just because I was crying and upset. After his shower he came up and said in a monotone voice that he was going. I said "can I ask you something before you go? Why don't you touch me anymore?" He said nothing. I continued to cry and he just stood there. I said it feels like it's all my fault and he said it's not my fault. Then I stupidly said if he's not going to say anything he's free to go. Then he went downstairs and I followed, asking him if he was coming back before work today. He said no. When he was leaving, he hugged me and I asked if he's going to try. He didn't reply. I said that's the saddest thing ever if he's not going to try. Then he left and I watched him go once again. I miss yesterday, when he was actually comforting me, hugging me like he still felt something for me. He kissed me then. I miss that. I miss him. I miss us. I can't lose him. I can't. I'm too old for this. We were meant to be set for life together. What will people think!? I know that's totally not the point but I don't want people to know. I told Jessi but that's all. Gordo knows, but that's all. I can't do this. He doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care that I'm upset and crying. He's immune. He has been for the last 3 years. The first time I cried in our relationship he was so worried for me and comforted me. That doesn't happen anymore. He didn't even try last night with dinner. He said he would get us a nice dinner. I thought that would be the turning point. I was going to try with all my being last night but he shut that down when he didn't come home. Yesterday I thought we'd have weeks to figure this out. I'm not sure we'll last that long. I don't know what to do except cry. I have all this homework to do and places to go today and work this evening. This is fucked. He's left me all alone again and he doesn't care one bit. He's not going to try! I can feel it. We're never going to get back to being happy when we have this hanging over our heads. I think he's given up already and is just giving me time to get used to it. I can't do this anymore. I never thought I'd be upset like this again. He said yesterday he isn't going to make a rash decision, like it's all up to him. What do I do? This has come at the worst time. He just left me like this today. How could he? He's left me all upset like he's not in it anymore. I feel like it's already over. Please let it get better! How can it? I don't think it will. It has to get better. I has to. It has to. I won't survive this. This isn't an adolescent break up. This is the rest of my life he's throwing away. I have already seen our lives together and they don't stop here, now. They can't. We have to be together for the rest of our lives. That's the plan. That's what I want. I want him to come home and I want to be like normal, the good normal. I want to laugh with him and for him to touch me. He hasn't touched me in ages though. What am I going to do? I'm in the middle of Uni and I have my assignments to finish. He's my life blood. This can't be happening. It can't.

It's true...

...some things never change. I have gotten a few messages from Yorick tonight. The first said that he'll have a few drinks with Gordo after work. The second was to say he ate there and that he can get me something. The whole point was for us to eat together and hang out instead of me waiting for him to come home, something that happens a lot. He's not even trying. It's easier for him to avoid me, avoid this new development. I bet he won't be home till 10pm, probably even later than that. I got in first. I asked him if he was doing anything tonight and he said no. He said he'd bring something nice back for dinner and we could watch a movie but who was I kidding? Of course that wasn't really going to happen. It just stopped me crying for a little while. What a great start.

I will not lose you.

Time to reassess

We had a big talk and I cried the whole time. He's been thinking for the last month or so how we're not working as well as we used to and he's been trying to save me getting hurt before telling me. It's all a bit of a blur but I just can't imagine life without him. Sure I can imagine it, but not how it would really be, and I don't want that. He's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, no doubt about it, and I don't want us to break up. I guess we haven't been happy like we used to be, spending time with each other, not just in the same house. He's out clearing his head before work and then he's going to bring back a tasty dinner and we might watch a movie together and eat lemon gelato up at the Signal Station.

We have had such a crappy week. Our relationship has sucked since last weekend. We've barely talked, haven't had any physical contact, but when he was telling me his thoughts and how he thinks we're not working at the moment he held me while I cried. When we hugged it felt so right to me. When we kissed it was a little strange. Tentative, not us. We kissed a bit more at the end before he left and it got better. Please don't let that be a sign.

He said if we broke up he's not sure if it would be the worst mistake of his life or the best thing for him. What about me? It would be the worst thing for me. I have missed him so much this week and didn't realise it until today. I hated not talking to him and all I want to do is be back to our best with him. I really miss him.

I said I'd do anything to make us work again, even if that means we don't live together. That way we'd come together and the time we spent with each other would be because we want to, not just because we live together. It does seem like we're taking our relationship for granted. I don't want this to end. I will not let it happen, not without a fight. I told him just that.

I asked him if he had talked to anyone about it and he said he talked to Gordo. He said that Gordo just listened and said Yorick has to do what is best for him. He has always had trouble expressing his thoughts and he said that today. He did well though but me and my sieve of a mind has forgotten exactly what he said. I know the gist all too well though.

When he was getting ready to go, I went downstairs before he could leave and I asked if he still loves me. He said of course he does. This whole thing is breaking my heart. I asked him a couple of times what we do from here and he said he doesn't know. He's not sure what to do next either. All I know is that I will try and do anything and everything in my power to keep us together and to make our relationship great again. What we need to do is work on us as a couple, spend time together talking and laughing and getting back to basics.

I'm trying to be strong. He thinks I'm strong and would be able to cope if we weren't together anymore. If, heaven forbid, we did break up, I hope he would realise his mistake and come back to me. Please don't let it come to that. I will never get over him, never, and there had better be no need for me to try. I'm so mixed up right now. I think positive in that we'll work this out, then I think completely negative and get upset thinking about what it we did break up and how soon would that be?

I don't want to be single again. I thought I was set for life. I don't want to be living life without him. I don't want anyone to know what we're going through. I want to keep pretending if it won't be okay. Oh, please, let it all be okay. I wonder how we will be tonight. I think we'll have a good night, unless he has been thinking about it and made decisions. I have to know if he's going to try too. I know he's not making any decisions any time soon but he's already started breaking my heart.

I asked if he was okay and he said no. I'm not okay either. I'm really not sure what will happen. Things aren't working as well as they used to and that might be the reason he has to let us go. Can we come back from this?

No replies

I've written him a couple of messages with no replies. The first was asking if he'd maybe bring some hot chips home if he was coming home. The second said that we need to talk and is he coming home? I keep thinking we'll end up breaking up. I need to know what he's thinking about us. I keep replaying myself asking him direct questions but I stop them just before the bad answers get said. I don't know what's wrong to warrant almost a weeks worth of silence and avoidance.

Yesterday we were getting slightly better. And the day before when we had Holly and Ruben over for pizza and a movie. He was more civil and getting closer to normal, but we've continued along the silence path since then. He replied this morning when I asked if he wanted to get dinner together and some groceries and again when I got home and asked when he was getting home too. He said he'd let me know. He hasn't. His messages were short and direct. I don't like that and today has been another bad day for us and we haven't even seen each other. I can't wait till we get back to happy.

Empty

I just read a beautiful post in a blog I stumbled upon by a woman called Diane from Kent, England. It stuck a chord with me. I'm feeling a bit sad at the moment, not only because of Yorick but partly because of the film I just watched -- Silk. I like the way sad movies make me feel feelings I didn't know I had. I like feeling something. It's as if I haven't felt anything in a while. That makes me sad. I like it when I'm with my sister or Jessi and I truly laugh. Most of the time I have a fairly hollow laugh and it worries me. I don't let the worry reach me most of the time but it is there. I don't want to be empty.

The unknown

I wonder when we'll be happy again.

Are we okay?

I'm not sure what's happening with Yorick and me but it's not good. We're too quiet and barely speak. It's been good having a day away but I'm wondering what it will be like when I go home this afternoon. I think I'll confront him about it, ask what's wrong with us and how to fix it. I like us happy and in love. We have had a problem for a while concerning sexual intimacy. We are in a pattern of abstaining. I want to want him like that again. It just seems like a chore and like it won't be beneficial but when we're having sex it's good. It's just not part of our routine. I worry about that and I'm always the one to bring it up. I'm always the one to bring anything up. He's not a big talker when it comes to such issues. I wish he were. I wish I knew what he was thinking but when I ask he still doesn't tell. He's very secretive and mysterious. I like that about him but it's hard at the same time because sometimes I feel like I don't know him very well. He's complex. It's hard knowing all about me and not being able to read his thoughts or memories. Then again, I might not like everything I heard or saw. I would like to know where we are now though. We don't really fight, we just keep away from each other. Being silent isn't fun. Not much passion I suppose. I just want us back to normal.

Back on-line at last

This whole daylight savings thing is really messing with me. It feels later than it really is and I'm more tired because of it. It might also be because I haven't been doing much this Easter holiday. I have homework to do, and I always watch some TV series, but not much outdoor activities, which I might have to correct. I will try and get into the routine of going for a walk every day or something. I don't want to waste my life.

The internet is finally working again. Yorick changed the modems so that might have something to do with it. I've missed the internet. It has been a bit of a curse but I'm addicted! I need my fix. I might have to wean myself off some of the games I play. I also need to drink a heap more water, as per usual. That's a bit off topic but there you go.

I bought an iPod Touch today for $244 from Big W. I named her Pixie Pod. I have got an armband case on the way via eBay so I can go running with it. I have always wanted to live near a beach so I can go running on it but I might have to start here on the road and do a loop around the oval. That will have to do. I can wear sunnies if I'm that self-conscious, which I am, but it will be good to get in that routine, especially in Winter aka Autumn.

Yorick and I haven't been too great lately. We barely talk, especially since the weekend. I wanted to get his attention at Gordo's farewell party and he got annoyed at me. Since then we been quiet. It's weird. I like us happy and smiley. Hopefully it gets back to normal soon. I miss getting all excited when he comes home and I run down the stairs yelling our combined name: Tate, short for Taters. I say "Tayyyyyte!" and run down to him and we kiss and hug and talk about our days. Not so much lately though. Sad face.

It's getting cold now so I might jump into bed shortly and start sleeping. I like being back on-line :D