I don't want to sacrifice a dream

I don't want to give up on my dream to have my own home in Sydney but it is all a little expensive. I'm having a quick look at some places online near Marrickville but a lot of the places I've looked at share bathrooms or laundries. Some real estates rent out rooms separately, which is something I find very strange, but I think I might find one eventually. I want to set up my house to maximise organisation and productivity, something which I believe wouldn't be able to be done if I only had a room. I want my bedroom to be only used for sleeping and storing clothes. I want a lounge room for a TV and exercise equipment. I want a study for studying and crafting. I want things to be organised and I think this is the way. I want to spread out and get into great habits. I just hope it can happen. After living with a boyfriend, living with almost strangers doesn't sound like me. I want to have a house/apartment/unit to myself but if I can't swing it financially then I'll be happy to live with Kirsten's friend Katie and her friend. It's not ideal but it would be better than being poor. Hopefully something comes up.

On a work break

Today at work has been horrible but I'm on a break until 6pm so that's something. It was just really busy and contantly busy, both of which I hate, and I felt so pressured and stressed because we needed another staff member and didn't have one. I have had a nice break so far though. I love catching up on TweetDeck updates as there are always lots in the morning and afternoon/evening as the people I follow are from the USA. It's a fun part of my day. I also had some dinner and am trying to relax in the last 20 minutes I have before I head back downstairs. I'll probably get to go fairly early though as I've been on since 11am. Today is a public holiday so the pay will be nice. I'm kinda glad Uta called me up but also not because it's been a horrible day. Not a fan. I keep wanting to quit but I'm only here for a few more weeks. It sucks though.

Tomorrow mum and I are going to meet in town after my classes and once she's finished work and go to Spotlight and look at making me some maki skirts. I'm so excited. I want a black one and a red tartain one and whatever else I can find. I have always wanted some but have never had success finding any. They always cling to my bum and that's not flattering at all. I hate that. I want a nice maxi dress also but they fit wrong. Sucks. I'm looking forward to some lovely home-made skirts. I want some that have toole underneath, or something that makes the skirt look big, but that will have to wait. Hopefully I can do the sewing myself with mum's supervision so I can one day buy my own machine and make my own clothes. Lots of skirts basically until I thin down. Class will be fun tomorrow. I'm excited to be going back after a fairly long break. Next week we actually get to go to MONA. I am looking forward to that a lot. Better get back to work now though. Sad. I hope I only have to stay a few hours at the most. Maybe till 8 or something.

Quick bored remark

Once again I'm totally bored. I have to leave for work soon but before that I have to go via a chemist as I forgot to buy more of the Pill. I might also go to Big W and get another Avatar: The Last Airbender anime DVD as I've almost watched all I have. I hate that I whittle away the days thinking I'll stop being lazy and actually get things done and I don't. Drat my laziness curse. It'll be good to work though. Something to keep me busy, human contact, and earning money. Free drinks are nice too. I like water and squash, separately of course. Squash with raspberry cordial in it is nice also. So bored. Just making myself and early dinner before I head out. Better go stir it, the Four Cheeses pasta pack, as it's bubbling up and making a funny skin again.

Things I did well in 2010

Inspired by Katie Kukulka

1. I dealt with my break up with Yorick maturely and came out the other side a better person. I decided to embark on an adventure and move states and pursue a career in museum curating, something I would not have done if we were still together.

2. I started thinking about what I want, what I want to do, and only did things that made me happy. I spent more time with my friends, I dreamed of new adventures, and started saving for my fast approaching move.

3. I figured out what I do and don't want in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. I am so excited for my next one, which I hope will last for the rest of my life, and have worked hard on improving myself and learning lessons to do with how I act in relationships. I don't like how when I get comfortable in the relationship I stop doing things for myself, and base too much on the other person. I'm always working on that.

4. I started preparing myself for being more organised and have been psyching myself up. It takes me a lot of time to make huge life changes like that since I'm lazy by nature [a trait I hate about myself] but I am proud that I'm slowly getting somewhere with this. I am excited that once I move things will change.

5. I got into better sleeping patterns, getting up earlier and waking up with the sun. Once I moved home, my sleeping pattern was horrible but since I moved into the shed that has changed. I like getting up early and feeling like there is heaps of time to play with even before noon.

Even though I hated 2010, some good things did come out of it. I took control of my future and have set up a new life for myself in Sydney and that is something to be proud of. There is always good in the bad.

An action plan

Next year when life is better I'll do a 2011 recap and it'll be fantastic. I know this year is going to be great. I can't wait for it to take off when I move to Sydney. January is going to be good. Jan and Fra are coming for a visit, I have Fronting MONA, the Maritime, packing and moving to Sydney, and experiencing the trials [I'm sure] of finding a house and getting settled. I wish I could live alone and slowly fill all rooms of the house with my things but I'm not sure that will be possible. I'll get used to living with people, plus I won't be so lonely. It won't be forever and I can always move. I truly believe this year I'll find true love. I'll get thin and fit and do all the things I want to change in my life. It'll be a great year.

In the next week I need to --

+ organise my written references from Alison [thebeach] and Rona [the Maritime]

+ apply for jobs in Sydney

+ go to Centrelink and get the ball rolling with future payments

+ start work on assignment 2 [and 3] for Fronting MONA

+ visit Holly

+ possibly make an appointment for my first tattoo

+ contact Kirsten Long's friend Katie about her plans for Sydney, and

+ look into photography courses in Sydney.

I have lots of little things to do, especially with the move creeping closer and closer, so if I can make sure I keep lists of all the things that need doing then I'll be on top of it all. It'll get me into the routine of making lists and getting myself organised. Wonderful!

Etta love

This is my favourite picture of my brother James and his daughter Etta.

I love how her hand is on his and how they're both looking at the camera.

Their eyes are different but lovely shades and you can tell they love each other.

My heart has grown so much with love for this little cutie.

I love that people say she and I look alike. It's such a great compliment.

I can't wait until she grows up a bit more, starts talking or at least understanding what you're talking about.

I can't wait to know what her personality is like and I can't wait until she recognises me for sure.

I love this little girl.

Treasures

I forgot to post this daily horoscope but I will now as I know they don't stay on the "database" for long. It's from Wednesday the 29th of December 2010.

If you've ever sat along a shoreline and watched the ocean, you've seen the tide go out and then come in again. As it travels out to sea it brings along the small treasures that were scattered in the shallows, like bits of sea glass and tiny shells. When it returns it brings new treasures. Your tide may be out right now, Scorpio, but it's definitely coming in again and soon. Look for things to begin working for you in a better and more productive way, and look for a collection of new treasures to inhabit your life. Your prospects for financial gain will soon be much, much better.

I hope I get more money soon. I'm not saving much at the moment as I have barely any shifts but I'm intending to get back onto Centrelink so maybe this is what it means. I like the idea of new treasures. I love the possibilities of 2011.

A brand new year

New Year's Eve was a bit of a let down for me. It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with Emma and her two lovely gay flat-mates Josh and Andrew and my sister, but I wasn't very interested in a huge party. I liked watching the fireworks from a spot on the wharf despite there being huge amounts of people around and I liked visiting Holly afterwards but it just felt like any other night. It didn't feel special or that I needed to make a big deal out of it. A lot has changed for me since May last year and since I'm single I have just wanted to do what makes me happy. For next year's celebrations I might just have a quiet one. Hopefully I have my future husband to celebrate with but I guess I can't predict what it will be like. It felt strange not caring too much about it despite it always being built up as a great night, one where things change from one minute to the next. I liked the symbolic change from 2010 to 2011 because 2011 means so much to me already. It's my year.

I had been chatting to Holly throughout the evening and asked if Yorick would be there at her boat. He was to be there and when we went down to the wharf to watch the fireworks then head to Holly's afterwards he jumped off the boat straight away when he saw me. I didn't really talk to him, just asked if Holly was there and that I'd go and get the others. I'm not sure I even looked him in the eyes. Subconscious ignoring I guess. I didn't really want to see him but we didn't actually chat. I didn't hear if he said anything to me when he got off. It's so strange. When I got to the end of the concrete next to Holly's boat, I heard Yorick's 18 year old say something like "Who the f is that?" I think she must be jealous of me. I just got a funny feeling about the whole thing, like she was defending her territory. I had that boy for 4 years. She can't compete with me. I don't want him back anyway and would never go back there. Holly's my friend, and if anyone was getting kicked off the boat out of the two of us it would definitely be Ebony. She's an idiot. She tried to be friends with my sister, saying they'd meet us out later, and it was totally weird. She was so threatened or jealous. I think they're both pathetic so it doesn't really matter to me, just shows that once again I am the better person, the more in control of my life and my destiny, and the one who has moved on to greater things. I hate that she got to me though. I hated thinking about her in my first moments of 2011. It had nothing to do with Yorick as we didn't really say anything to each other. It was all about her. It would have been nice to chat to Yorick but I went straight into asking for Holly mode and nothing else happened. I feel bad that I didn't say anything to Yorick, that we didn't get a chance to talk and check in, as he jumped straight off the boat to see me. He didn't do anything towards me after that though. Maybe he's whipped. I don't need to go back there anyway. I'm moving forward, trying not to think about that anymore, and just live my life the way I want to. I have so much to look forward to this year. It's going to be great. Yorick is now officially in my past as I'm starting a new year and I guess I should just forget about him completely. I kind of want to catch up with him, only because of the catch up that didn't happen last night, but I don't really need to revisit that whole situation. In the light of day it would be a mistake. I can't help that I'm curious. Holly will give me the gossip when we hang out this week. She'll give me some perspective.

I have some jobs to apply for today! I didn't think I'd find any online but I have. I tried Seek instead of Career One and have a few nice options. Hopefully I get something even though the jobs were advertised at the end of December and I won't be over in Sydney until late January. I'll write some cover letters and do some mailing. There is one at the Co-Op Bookstore, one with the University of Sydney Union and a possibility with JB Hi Fi so I will see what happens. I want to move away from hospitality into retail and these jobs would be a great step in that direction. I'd love to work at Kikki-K or Typo or Dymmocks or Borders or the Co-Op or Big W.

I'm feeling a bit hungover today. It's just hitting me more and more now. I felt a bit groggy when I woke up and I do need more sleep so I'll try and get to bed early tonight. It could be worse.

I've been messaging Holly, telling her how I felt about Ebony's reaction to me, and she said she thinks Ebony is threatened by me but that she is also completely drug fucked. Holly said that I was just really cool and mature last night and that I seemed the better person. I said that I felt bad I didn't have a mini catch up with Yorick, say Happy New Year, or anything like that, but that I'm moving forward and I doubt we'd have much to say [no real loss there] and that he'll be right. Holly said that it's not my problem and I did good! I just need to remind myself it doesn't matter anymore. He chose his path and I'm on mine. I am the better person, I am mature, and he's not my problem anymore. It would have been polite to ask him how his night was, what he's been up to, but it would have brought me down and got me thinking about him too much. It's done, it's in the past. That's all I need to know. Moving on!

Goals for 2011

Welcome, 2011. I am so glad you're here. I can finally put 2010 behind me and start afresh and truly feel like this year is my year. I know it's going to be great and I will do everything I can to improve my day to day living and here is a list of how I want to do that.

+ Get thin

+ Find true love

+ Eat healthier

+ Exercise regularly

+ Study hard

+ Watch less TV

+ Play game on Facebook less

+ Brush my teeth more

+ Read more books

+ Take more photographs

+ Do things that make me happy

+ Go on adventures

+ Be spontaneous