12:58pm April 24

I've been watching One Tree Hill lately and it's been getting me thinking of the kind of relationship I want and what kind of guy I want. I want a guy who will bring me flowers and write me notes. I want someone who will spend his evenings with me. I want a guy who doesn't want to live without me because I make his life better. I want to feel like I'm his first priority and that he plans things around spending time with me. I want to be like a family, having dinner together and talking for hours on the couch. I want to want him, I want to be intimate with him, I want passion and intimacy and romance. I want him to kiss me just because. I want him to spoil me and take care of me.

I want to know if Yorick will be this type of guy and if he has it in him. We have had so many wonderful times together at home and on holiday but lately we've been taking each other for granted and have lost the passion, intimacy and romance. I miss that. We have had some lovely times including all of these things but they were lost along the way. At the moment, Yorick stays out all night and does everything but spend time with me. He needs this move apart more than I do so he can figure out who he wants to be and what he wants. I don't like that I've become accustomed to waiting for him to come home, and to being alone in this house. It's not fair. We both know it. He's more in denial then me though. I want to know if he can be the guy that will treat me like I deserve to be and want to be treated. Will I ever get that kind of guy? I might not be the right kind of girl for that treatment though. I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out when we stop living together.

I want to be his first priority. I want him to be my life partner and continue doing great things together. I want to go on more holidays with him and live in New Zealand with him. He needs to sort himself out so he can treat me like his first priority, once he's done with all the drinking and staying out all night. I hope he realises that he needs to change his behaviour. Am I being naïve? I honestly don't know anymore. All I know is that I feel second rate and I don't want to feel that way anymore. Maybe after this time apart and coming together for quality time he'll be that guy. Maybe he won't.