Oh he is a piece of work that boyfriend of mine. I just got this message:
Bailing on you again tonight. Tomorrow night we can have dinner and sort this out
So I replied:
I work tomorrow. I’m away Monday day/night with Uni. And Tuesday. Wednesday I have
I wonder what he thinks of that. I hope he knows how shit he treats me and that it’s not cool. I want to say something like “I wonder why I thought tonight would be any different” but I might just leave it till I cool down a bit.
He sent this reply:
Tomorrow I have soccer then work. I’ve locked my keys in my car so relying on others for lifts tonight. I realise how bad I’ve been treating you, that’s that's half my argument because you do deserve better than what I can give you.
I’m glad he sees how crap he treats me. He’d better pick his act up and start treating me right. It feels to me like he's ready to just give up. This has all gone by so quickly and he hasn't given me any real answers. I might have to call Holly tonight. I have no idea where this came from. Why has it all gone down hill and why is he treating me like shit?
My reply:
We may as well just discuss this over text. I still want to be with you. I want us to hang out with each other and laugh and smile and kiss and hug and be intimate. I want you! What brought all of this on anyway? There has to be something that made you realise whatever you realised. Do you want space to drink yourself to near-death? What?
It's like I'm waiting for the death penalty or something, waiting for his reply. I feel it's bad but knowing what he wants is the key to this problem.
I just wrote: We could not live together so seeing each other would be fun and something we wanted again ... You can have space if you want, I just want to keep this relationship going because we've come so far together.
Somehow I'm not sure that will work.
He just wrote:
I want space to be myself. Sadly this is not at all a new idea to me, I've been thinking this off and on for quite a while. Had been waiting for some sort of more convenient timing but I've realised there is no such thing. I'm sorry to break your heart because you are such a beautiful person and I don't want you to be hurt but I can't be in a relationship any more. I can't stay just because breaking up hurts.
Me:
Thanks for finally finding the guts to tell me what you really think. It took you too long but its nice to know where we stand. I hope you realise one day you made a huge mistake. I don't know what to say. My heart is broken and I'm scared to be alone but I guess I have no choice. We should talk more in person. I know it has to end but not like this. After 4 years you owe me more than this as our last goodbye.
So I'm crying right now. This is horrible. I had the worst feeling it was coming to an end but I can't believe how sudden it was! Text messages is a bad way to have this conversation but at least it's happening and we can say exactly what we want. It doesn't feel real though.
Me: Can you please come home?
No reply as yet. We still have to discuss stuff about what to do with this house so it will be a gradual ending. I guess I'll go back to mum and dad's. I never thought I'd go back there to live. This was meant to be it! He was meant to be the rest of my life! I need for him to be here. I need for him to comfort me. We weren't meant to break up over text messages!
I'm calling him .................... He didn't pick up! I am a bit pathetic. I need for him to comfort me. I need to feel like there's some kind of normal around me. I need him home.
I tried to call and he cancelled it! He's such a coward. I called Holly instead and it was the best thing. She's my lifeline and I'm feeling more optimistic because of her. I just need to get some distance from this. We talked about how there have been signs that are making me realise I might not have been as happy as I thought I was. One sign is the Falls Festival bracelet I've been wearing for over 4 years, 05-60 New Year's Eve. It started to fray a week or two ago. That's my sign all right.
He finally replied: I might come home later tonight.
So I wrote:
It's okay, I've calmed down a bit. I had a chat to Holly. She made me feel better about it all yesterday and has again today. Do what you want. That is why you did this after all. You are officially free. We do need to talk about the house and shared items and stuff so let me know when you're ready for that. I really thought we'd be together forever. Silly me.
So that's it. We're done. 26th of February 2006 to the 10th of April 2010. 4 years and almost 2 months. We did well together for that long considering he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
I am going to plan my trip to the UK, something to look forward to. I'm going to take more photos and do some amazing things. I might even take a year off between the 2 years of Social Work. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I've stopped crying for the minute and that we're not together anymore. It was a good thing he stopped that call from happening because I was a wreck before talking to Holly.
It might be a while before we can talk because I have a busy few days coming up and he is busy tomorrow. I'm not sure if I want to see him tonight to figure out the details or whether to wait until later in the week. That might be torture though.
I kinda want my own room, to make it all pretty and have flowers and inspiring pictures on the wall. I will find the good out of this. I'll do all the things I've wanted to do but haven't made the time to do. I won't have to answer to anyone, not that he cared about that stuff, but being free might not be so bad. I knew it was coming. We hadn't been good in a while. I'll miss him, desperately, but I have to find the good.
I wrote:
If you can come home tonight that would be great. I'm not sure I want to wait too long before having a real chat. Please message me if you will or not. I can help pay for a taxi if you need. Otherwise maybe tomorrow at some stage, even after I finish work.
Talking to Holly was the best thing. I don't want to be crying. Now I am because I asked myself if it's real or not. It won't be real until I'm not living here anymore and we've sorted all the details out. I should go wash my face and watch some One Tree Hill now. Eat some of my now cold dinner.
I cleaned my face and am okay. I wrote to him:
I'm glad we 'talked' about this but I just wanted it to be in person. We owed that to each other. I care about that kind of stuff. Over-messaging I know.
I really don't want the masses to know. Now I have to find another dream. He was my dream. My dream guy. I wanted to make a family with him and a house and kids. I keep thinking he might realise in 6 months that he made a mistake and want me back. That might not happen though. Who knows. I reckon we'll be good friends though. It'll be a little awkward but I think once we sort the house stuff out over a few sessions it'll get easier not being in a relationship together. He's so handy though, proof reading my assignments [which I need done now!] and fixing my computer. Hopefully I'll be able to ask him about that kind of stuff later on. I just don't want him to be with anyone else. I don't want that blow. Please wait forever like I will.
I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be anywhere sympathetic. I don't want to leave the house but I don't want visitors. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. All I want is Yorick's company. That's all I want. The pain hasn't actually started until we're all sorted. I just want to be with him right now. I just want him home. I want his company. I want this breaking up time to go slowly but I want to be doing it together.
I called him and left a message on his voice mail begging him to hang out with me later tonight. I called Holly right before not knowing what to do and I'm heading down to her boat now. He sent me a message just now about getting back into his car after he thought he lost his keys. I hope he comes home later. It was a strange message to send to me. He's probably drunk.
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