Last night when I got home from Jessi’s, all I could think about is that Yorick might have cheated. It would make sense of the way we’ve been going down hill and him not wanting to touch me, and the reason he’s now coming to me about us, but then again he’s an honest persona and I’m hoping this isn’t right. I asked him if he had found somebody else and he said no. I’ll have to ask him if he has or not again as this would be the time. I really don’t want to know if he has though.
He didn’t come home last night. I stayed at Jessi’s till pretty late and sent him a few messages about being able to pick him up. I called him when I was leaving Jessi’s as he said he might be at Wolfy’s but he didn’t pick up. I suppose he didn’t want to be with me since we last talked. I need to sit down with him and have a proper talk about all of this.
It really seems like he won’t try. I can definitely see me moving out to give him some space, but I’m just not sure if it’ll be a space thing or a break thing. Please say space. I don’t want to lose him. I have to find out what he wants though. He just seems so negative and in the headspace of going out lots and feeling free. I give him total freedom, but just ask a few things of him.
We don’t hang out anymore. We don’t have fun together. We don’t laugh together. We aren’t moving forward with our relationship. I don’t want it to be like this. I want to see him happy in my company and actually want to be around me. He’s got some serious issues. What are they?
I haven’t cried since yesterday morning when talking to Holly. I feel like I need to but there hasn’t been any real purpose. I think that’s good. I hadn’t cried this much since Royden. I thought I wouldn’t have to since I found Yorick. I thought I was set for life. I still might be but it feels so unsure at the moment. I do and don’t want to know what happens next.
I wonder if he’ll be home tonight. His phone might have run out of battery, or he might just have been ignoring me. He said he wrote back on Wednesday when I wrote that post about needing to talk to him. I still haven’t gotten those messages. Damn my phone. I bet when he gets home, if he does, that he’ll say hi in a defeated, non-caring tone, and when I approach him and ask him about his day and night last night he will say it very blankly. Then I’ll ask him about what we’re doing, what he wants, where to go from here, and he’ll listen but barely talk. He’s being childish. He’s not being a man, or an adult. He owes me that. 4 years owes us that. I sure hope he gets it together.
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