I have a plan

Right. I just spent half an hour on the phone talking to Holly about this and she gave me the perspective and empowerment I needed. I feel so much better already having a plan and she made me see that I'm not being treated well when I deserve to be. He makes me feel second rate, second priority to his social life, to his drinking and hanging with friends late into the night. I don't deserve that. She suggested I ask him what he wants from the relationship and let him know what I want, which is to be happy again spending quality time together, and to let him know how his behaviour is affecting me. She also suggested I acknowledge that it's hard for him to open up and talk about these kinds of things but that it's necessary.

I was just thinking about how I need to focus on myself for a bit and do all the wonderful things the world has to offer. I need to see more of the good things in life, and do the simple things like lying in the grass listening to some great music. He might need time to himself to get all this bad behaviour out of his system and realise that there's no one waiting at home for him worrying about where he is. Then he might miss me, miss us. I don't want to break up but I would be happy for us to stop living together so we can have some space and time to reassess. If he does want to break up, then I'll spend some more time with Holly who will be able to make me see that it's not such a bad thing and how to stop crying.

I want the passion back in our relationship. I want the love back. I want us to laugh together and spend time talking to one another and really listening and enjoying each other's company. It seems like he is in a different place right now. It's not me, it's him! He's the one who needs to sort out what he wants. I know what I want, which is just to be together like we used to, but he's the one who has changed. Ah-ha! It is his decision. Not in the breaking up department, that's the last resort for me, but in the way that it's obvious he needs to make some personal changes. He's the one with the problem. My only problem is is that we're not like we used to be. That's all his doing. He changed, he made me feel different because of his social life encroaching on our time together and not apologising for it.

He's being very childish. It was good of him to bring this up but he needs to work out what he wants first before we figure out what to do about us. With conflict, he's the type of person to run away from it, which might be part of the reason why things haven't been working so well lately, but he needs to talk to me about this and I'll be the one to initiate it. It's the woman's job, said Holly. I completely agree.

I am so glad I talked to her about this. She made me see that Yorick has trained me to become desensitised to his behaviour. I used to get worried when he wouldn't come home and would wake up at 4 in the morning and stress. Now I know he's safe somewhere after having drunk himself stupid and it's normal for him to be out till the next day. That's not right. I deserve respect! I deserve to be treated well. Gah.

I'm feeling much more empowered. I wonder how our next big conversation will go. I hope he'll be able to tell me what he wants and realise he needs to figure himself out. I know what I want. What does he want? Does he like his lifestyle now? Does he want that more? Does he want space from me? I'll find out. For now, I'm glad to be feeling happy knowing I'm doing all I can and feeling like it's not all my fault.