Now [4:36]

I just called him. He didn’t write back to my message [which said that I want to know what he wants from us and if we can have dinner and chat sometime] so I thought what the hell. I didn’t think he’d pick up. I also thought his phone might be flat. He did answer though and fairly quickly. He’s out drinking, as I knew he would be, and I asked him if he has plans for dinner. He said not really. The whole conversation, as short as it was, was not very couple like. He agreed though and I said when he comes home we can go from there. I doubt he will but I gave it a try.

I think he was with Ruben, Holly’s boyfriend and someone I know through his sister [we went to primary school together and he knew my brother at that stage too], and they’re all drinkers. Yorick drinks way too much and doesn’t stop, even when he’s beyond drunk. Maybe this is something he needs to do. I’ll try and find that out tonight if he shows.

It’s as if he has already started his new life. He doesn’t want to come home because I’m here and he is doing what I assume he would do if we were taking some time apart. He's being so rebellious. I'm not the enemy! Or am I, just because I want some certainty like knowing when he'll be home. Why is that so hard?

I've been doing so well today. When I woke up this morning and remembered all about this little drama we have going I wanted to cry. I didn't. I've had a few tears today but only because of One Tree Hill 6. He was right -- I am strong. If he likes the idea of staying together but not living together and seeing each other when we really want to, then I'll do it. I would like to do things like make a pretty house. I'm not sure I'd want to live alone though, and everyone is accounted for regarding living arrangements. Maybe if/when Sophie moves back we could live together. I want to live near the beach and I know she'd love that. I want to run on it and get fit. I just thought I'd do it with Yorick.

I have to find out how he feels about this and what he wants. He does seem really rebellious and childish but that might be a phase he needs to go through. He already is from my point of view but he might need more space to fulfil that need. I'll try and keep this strength with me though and remember that I deserve love and respect and devotion and that I'm not getting any of that from him right now. If we split completely, which I think is insane as we still have feelings for each other [he'd better be telling the truth about still loving me], then I'll chalk it down to his childish ways and know that I'm better than that and ready for more. It will be his loss and he'll realise it. I just hope, in this scenario, that he comes back begging.

I should do more homework... You'll hear from me again shortly...