Time to reassess

We had a big talk and I cried the whole time. He's been thinking for the last month or so how we're not working as well as we used to and he's been trying to save me getting hurt before telling me. It's all a bit of a blur but I just can't imagine life without him. Sure I can imagine it, but not how it would really be, and I don't want that. He's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, no doubt about it, and I don't want us to break up. I guess we haven't been happy like we used to be, spending time with each other, not just in the same house. He's out clearing his head before work and then he's going to bring back a tasty dinner and we might watch a movie together and eat lemon gelato up at the Signal Station.

We have had such a crappy week. Our relationship has sucked since last weekend. We've barely talked, haven't had any physical contact, but when he was telling me his thoughts and how he thinks we're not working at the moment he held me while I cried. When we hugged it felt so right to me. When we kissed it was a little strange. Tentative, not us. We kissed a bit more at the end before he left and it got better. Please don't let that be a sign.

He said if we broke up he's not sure if it would be the worst mistake of his life or the best thing for him. What about me? It would be the worst thing for me. I have missed him so much this week and didn't realise it until today. I hated not talking to him and all I want to do is be back to our best with him. I really miss him.

I said I'd do anything to make us work again, even if that means we don't live together. That way we'd come together and the time we spent with each other would be because we want to, not just because we live together. It does seem like we're taking our relationship for granted. I don't want this to end. I will not let it happen, not without a fight. I told him just that.

I asked him if he had talked to anyone about it and he said he talked to Gordo. He said that Gordo just listened and said Yorick has to do what is best for him. He has always had trouble expressing his thoughts and he said that today. He did well though but me and my sieve of a mind has forgotten exactly what he said. I know the gist all too well though.

When he was getting ready to go, I went downstairs before he could leave and I asked if he still loves me. He said of course he does. This whole thing is breaking my heart. I asked him a couple of times what we do from here and he said he doesn't know. He's not sure what to do next either. All I know is that I will try and do anything and everything in my power to keep us together and to make our relationship great again. What we need to do is work on us as a couple, spend time together talking and laughing and getting back to basics.

I'm trying to be strong. He thinks I'm strong and would be able to cope if we weren't together anymore. If, heaven forbid, we did break up, I hope he would realise his mistake and come back to me. Please don't let it come to that. I will never get over him, never, and there had better be no need for me to try. I'm so mixed up right now. I think positive in that we'll work this out, then I think completely negative and get upset thinking about what it we did break up and how soon would that be?

I don't want to be single again. I thought I was set for life. I don't want to be living life without him. I don't want anyone to know what we're going through. I want to keep pretending if it won't be okay. Oh, please, let it all be okay. I wonder how we will be tonight. I think we'll have a good night, unless he has been thinking about it and made decisions. I have to know if he's going to try too. I know he's not making any decisions any time soon but he's already started breaking my heart.

I asked if he was okay and he said no. I'm not okay either. I'm really not sure what will happen. Things aren't working as well as they used to and that might be the reason he has to let us go. Can we come back from this?