Light in the darkness

I wrote to Yorick asking him if he has time tomorrow for cleaning the house. He replied straight away saying yes for the afternoon. I asked him if he'd let me know what time he'll head there and he said he will finish work [I presume] at 2 and that he'll head there straight after. My worh shift has been changed from 5pm to 9am-2pm and I think that suits me better. In the day if I'm working at night I feel the time creeping closer, cornering me in. I'm glad we'll be able to clean together, then I can come home and do homework and prepare for my trip to Launceston for the week and probably have a bit of a cry. Because I know we're hanging out tomorrow I'm not as sad. It's like things are normal. I'm glad I get some old-normal because I can't take anymore sadness right now. It will gone back all too soon though.

Settling in

I'm all moved in back at Margate. I've had a few cries already today. I'm so hormonal. I hate this. I hate that it's ended and still ending [the house] and although next week will be hard without him I'll get a better sense of where I'm at. I'm so up and down with the crying. I really miss him, or the having a partner part, someone to look forward to seeing. I put too much down to him, based too much on him. I wonder if Sophie will get much out of him.

I have to do homework now and put all my clothes in the wardrobe and small stuff like that. I don't want to but I have to because when I get home from work tonight I doubt I'll want to do it.

I'm so going to cry a little at work tonight. Without a doubt. It'll only be small though but I know I'll be able to work. Hopefully Alison is there and she can send me home early as she always does. I like going home early.

I'm glad I'll be over in the big house and have the shed/little house for all my stuff, kind of like a lounge room. It's warmer over here and I'm closer to them [mum and dad]. I don't want to be alone. Not now.

I hate this.

The ending

I stayed at Margate last night. After Holly's I met Sarah and we went to the gig. I was so tired from an extremely emotional day and went home for 1130. I talked to dad and got a bit upset. Whenever I talk to someone I have a little cry then get to the other side.

At Holly's, we did my tarot and it was spot on about making the decision to end things with Yorick, how I'm feeling either sad or positive and that change is happening. There was something about creativeness and planning something, which is the UK trip with Sarah, and it was really good.

This morning I had a bit chat to mum and she said Yorick must have been struggling because he didn't want to tell me things weren't going well and didn't want to hurt me. She said that his actions were saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that he had made up his own mind about not wanting to continue with us but he didn't vocalise it. When I caught up with it and said I didn't want to keep going as things weren't working it was probably a relief for him but he must have already know that's what he wanted.

Mum said he loved me and that's why he was struggling and didn't want to hurt me but he's not in the right place for us. Because he loved me he was struggling. She thinks he might have run scared because things were too serious, like seeing my reaction to James and Georgie having a baby, thinking I might want that too, and I do, just not yet.

He's not going to talk to anyone about it much but Sophie will try. I am so up and down, crying, then positive. It's hard being alone. I am so stressed with this and cleaning and homework and working.

Mum and I talked about Uni and how I'm not so happy with the way things are going only because of my bad mark. We discussed anthropology and archaeology for an option if social work doesn't fit. We also talked about the UK trip and going for a year or something and working there, seeing the family, and traveling. I'm glad that's the plan. It all depends on how I go this semester with that one subject (301) and I'll probably take the year off anyway, maybe, and head over to the UK.

I'm here to get all my clothes sorted and then dad and James are coming over at 1130ish to get the rest of my stuff. I'll head back after that probably and not stick around for Yorick because he might not even come back and I have work tonight and homework to do. I'd like it if we can clean together tomorrow and do it together, the ending, so I'll see how that goes. I have work tomorrow night too and homework and so much going on. It's all so hard.

I'm lost. Dad said how maturely I'm taking this and I am. I'm on and off crying. I'll stay at home for a while in the big house closer to them. Warmer and more like I'm back in the nest. I'll be heading to Sophie's on Monday so we can have a bit chat about it and hopefully she has some news for me about Yorick. I have my sister too as she doesn't want to be alone either. I'd better go do some packing.

Feeling angry

I am so mad right now. Yorick came 'home' and started taking the bed apart and packing his stuff up. I tortured myself by watching and wandered around having my last looks at the way things were. Dad came by and took some of my stuff and once he left Steve came over and they packed up their cars. Then Yorick and I talked about what's happening next with the house and I had a blank face talking to him in a monotone and he asked if he could have a towel. I said his was the purple one and he grabbed it and left. I was so pissed off in that moment so I called Holly. She mentioned that Ruben is disappointed in him as we all are and he did come back into the house looking for something 5 minutes later whilst I was on the phone to Holly. She said I should try and act towards him like anyone else and if he continue to be a prick then I can say that I tried to salvage a friendship out of this but that he's being an ass ... and I can't remember what comes next. He called his new home home and it hurt when he was talking to one of his new housemates. Something is wrong with him. He's the complete opposite of the guy I fell in love with and Holly reckons no one will get much out of him about it for a while. I really want to know. Spilt milk situation. He is such a jerk and I really hate the way he's behaving. Fuck him. He can have his mess of a life. He does not deserve me or anyone like me. He deserves nothing. I do want to try and be nice and make a friendship with him. Holly said that I can say it's still there if he continues to be an ass whenever he's ready. I hate that this separation will be so sudden as of this weekend. I don't like it at all. Arr. I'm going to put the washing out, watch the rest of my episode of Lost, then head down to Holly's before meeting Sarah and going to the gig. I am better off without him. Ruben was proud that I did the ending of things. I am too. Yorick probably felt strongly about that but I won't know how exactly. One day I'll find out.

Feeling better now

I was really upset earlier and I couldn't stop crying. Sarah came over and we hung out and it was really nice. We talked about it, then moved to happier more optimistic topics, watched OTH5, ate chocolate and had a coke each. I'm feeling better. I'm upset but it doesn't feel real just yet because we haven't spent any time apart, which we will as of this weekend. He's meant to be coming home soon to start moving the bed with Steve. Someone is coming to have a look at the place at 430 and dad is coming by at 530 to assess the situation regarding heavy items. I might have a bit of a tidy now in preparation. I haven't been very productive today. I need to work on my assignments! If this study doesn't work out I'm totally switching to anthropology and archaeology. Moving would be fun but I'd miss my friends. That can come later. Sarah's keen for the UK trip idea. I'm thinking mid 2012. I'll start planning now.

Sadness

Peyton said "I miss what I thought we would be" about Lucas. I think that fits very well with me.

I have had on and off tears today. I'm feeling a little depressed, not sure what to do anymore. I have homework to do but can't bring myself to do it. I'm wasting time here. I need to get something done. I'll go and try.

My internet isn't working here and Yorick will be taking his laptop with him, which is what I'm using right now. I'm going to ask him if I can keep the set top box and TV until tomorrow so I can watch something tonight before James' gig. He has invited me to go down to his place with Georgie for some pizza with them and Joe and Megan. I'll see how I go this afternoon.

There is a sadness in me that is waiting to take over and I think it'll give it a good try next week once things are normalised and there is no more Mt Nelson. I'm sad now about it. I can't quit pin point why I'm sad. I think it's everything really, him not being the same, what we were and are no longer, the possibility of not being a part of each others life anymore. A combination. I'll be alright.

Make a wish

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle's going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it with all your heart.
-- One Tree Hill Season 5 Episode 13

I wish for a love so great and so strong that it will never be diminished.
I wish for a man to spend the rest of my life with, someone who I will want to have sex with all the time, and someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be.
I wish to be the best version of myself.
I wish to have so many adventures in my life starting now.

There are a lot of things I am wishing for and I know I can be great.

4 years, 3 months and 10 days

He came home yesterday when I was talking to Sophie on the phone about the whole situation. He sat on the couch tired from work and didn't say much. He was being an ass. I said "I need to talk to you" and said some stuff about how it wasn't working and bumbled something about how I didn't like the way things were going, I can't remember it exactly, but then I gave him the letter. He read it but didn't say anything, might have mumbled an "okay, whatever". I asked him something, maybe if that was okay or something, and he said yes. Then I got mad and said "fine, we're done. You made it so easy" or something. He was such an ass. We sat there for about half an hour not saying anything and then we finally got into some sitting-on-the-couch-watching-TV talk. I asked what something was and he'd reply and soon enough it was like nothing had changed. We were being the friends side of our relationship, which I believe will stay on, even though were not together anymore and it was nice. I had messaged Holly and Sophie about it and Holly suggested I go and make it sink in for him but I think there's plenty of time for that. Last night was our last night in the house together sleeping that is, which is sad in itself, but I felt no need to storm off. I'm not that type of person for starters. We shared some hot chips and watched Top Gear then the Big Bang Theory then Peep Show. After that we went to bed. After a while I asked him why he stopped trying and after 2 seconds he said he doesn't know. Sophie's down this weekend so she'll try and get something out of him, like why he's unhappy with himself and why he's drinking so much and why he stopped trying, so hopefully I'll get some answers because he won't talk to me about it. This afternoon he and Steve are going to move the heavy stuff of his. Then I guess we'll meet up for cleaning over the weekend.

I want one last hug from him. I believe that we'll stay friends and will be civil, maybe even hang out sometimes. I don't want him to be out of my life completely. I won't go to Zum this Monday but maybe I will the following week and see how he is and get a muffin and hot chocolate. Knowing we'll still be friends makes this easier to deal with because ripping someone out of your life cold turkey hurts the worst. I know we can't be together anymore and it's easy to deal with because of how he's been in the last few days and knowing we need to be ourselves, but I will still miss him and who we were together. I hate thinking about all the wonderful things we did together, which mainly manifest themselves in the holidays we took together, but I'll try not to dwell on that too much. I think it'll hit me hardest next week once I'm back at Margate.

I really wish he'd talk to me about it. I find that the hardest right now. I want to be able to talk it over with him, reminisce about the great times we had and talk about how he's feeling, but I know we won't. I guess I'll just have to accept that, hard as it will be. Hopefully Sophie can give me some answers. In bed last night we touched a few times, arms or legs, and I wished he would snuggle me. I miss that a lot. Trying not to cry. At some stage he'll have a go at fixing my computer, sooner rather than later, so that will be an excuse to see him and ease him out of my life. 4 years is a long time. It's easier because us as great isn't fresh in my mind. It still hurts though. I reckon I'll get back into bed and watch some One Tree Hill. He got up for work this early and I went to the toilet and he said "you're up early". It was my excuse to pee as well as say goodbye to him for the day. He wouldn't have otherwise. He would have just slipped out of the house. We used to say goodbye and goodnight. Things have definitely changed. I sure will miss the best of us.

26 February 2006 to 6 May 2010 -- 4 years, 3 months and 10 days.

The letter

I have just come back from Holly's and I am feeling much more empowered by this whole situation. I went to Margate and dropped some more stuff off and had a cry in dad's arms then felt better hanging out with him and my brother James. I went to Holly's after that and hung there with her and her friend Emma. We had lots of chats about my situation and how I feel and what I want and in the end we ended up writing a letter for me to give to Yorick when I'm going to approach him and end things. Things aren't getting any better and I don't love who he is now. I just want how we used to be but I know that he needs to be single and figure himself out because that's where he is at this stage. I can't be with him while he's like this because it's not fair on me and it's not what I want. So here is the letter.

Yorick,

You are a weak coward, forcing me to stand up and do the adult thing. You have drawn this out the longest, most painful way possible for me. I'm sick and tired of sitting at home waiting for you to grow up.

You have made me extremely sad and are not the person I fell in love with anymore. I mourn the loss of who we were, not what we are. Your behaviour recently has exposed a real lack of character and maturity as you clearly do not have the guys to treat me with the respect and honesty I deserve. I have never had anyone treat me with such a lack of consideration.

I never realised how unhappy you have made me for the past 6 months. You have been so wrapped up in your own selfish needs, having the benefit of leading a single life whilst having me to look after you. I feel like I've been trained by you to find this behaviour acceptable when it is clearly nothing but reprehensible and goes against all that I believe a relationship should be.

Anna.

That's where it ends but when I talk to him I'll say something about how it's not working and I can't go on like this anymore. I wrote it all down because I usually forget stuff and it's all there. Holly, Emma and I talked about this and how he's forced me to have to put this to an end. I want him to be the person I fell in love with but I don't think he's there anymore and it's unrealistic to think that he might come back any time soon. I think I'll be waiting a while for that guy to return. He obviously needs to focus on himself and figure out what he wants and who he is. I will also ask him what's made him so unhappy because something has.

I'm dealing with this pretty well and I think it's made easier by the fact that he isn't the guy I fell in love with and I know this isn't the kind of relationship I want. I need to focus on myself too. I'm not sure who I am and I am always planning things around him. I need to see what I'm like alone because I've forgotten who I am. Having all this time to myself will be beneficial for me and once I'm settled in a new house by myself I'll be able to surround myself with pretty things and do all the things on my list. This is for the best.