Holga magic on the iPhone

This Hipstamatic iPhone applications is making me re-think getting an iPhone. I hate the on-screen QWERTY keyboard, which is why I haven't gotten one or the HTC Desire, but applications like this and one for brushing your teeth make me reconsider. I might have to go over to the 'dark' side. Everyone has an iPhone. I don't want to be the same. I looked into BlackBerry phones but am not sure I'll like the operating system. Arr. I'll probably regret getting it because my messaging speed won't be as high or easy but I'll like the applications. I'll think on it some more.

Lunch and the timewarp

So I had my lunch with Yorick today. We were both late and bumped into each other at the ATM and in part it felt like we were us again. We walked together very close and I felt the energy that I used to feel with him and I missed how at times like this we would have held hands. Before lunch we went and put more money in my car then went to Bar Celona. We chatted about our news and ordered a chicken pizza and wedges. He mentioned he saw my sister but didn't find it weird at all. I said Sarah must have gotten her signals mixed then. He brought up that he felt weird seeing me at Maddy's party and I agreed. After a while we exhausted the conversation and I found it hard trying to find things to say. Before that my brother walked by so I went over and had a chat to him. Yorick came over as well and it was kinda like normal even though I knew the Yorick and I was not the same. Once back at our table we finished up, paid, then walked towards Zum. He stopped and we said stuff, then said bye and we hugged. I hugged for a little longer than he did but it instantly transported me back to the hugs we shared and how much I miss them. That made me really sad and I went and sat in my car and had a bit of a teary. After that, Holly and I went to her place, had a cup of tea and chats, then went shopping. I got new shampoo [Herbal Essences, sleek/silky], some ribbon from Store and Enwrapt, and hair dye. We talked a bit about the Yorick developments and how I didn't like that I felt like we couldn't talk properly as there was something between us. The relationship has changed but Holly and I talked about how it would be okay for me to mention this to Yorick. We were together for 4 years and 3 months [to be technical] so we should be able to talk about this stuff. It just all feels so weird. Having that physical contact made me realise what I miss and how much I miss it. Having the distance but the knowledge that we are still friends makes it easy to forget things and not focus too much on the feelings but this jolted me back. I don't like that we can't talk anymore. It's too surface, which is what he said was part of the reason we grew apart. It's scary that we don't have that connection anymore. Today shook me like Maddy's party shook him. It has saddened me but I just have to move on. I'll talk to him about it next time we hang out and hopefully we'll be able to be better, closer friends, if that's possible.

Who made up the rules?

Yorick and I are going to have lunch together tomorrow. My sister saw him at her work [the Casino] for a quiz night and she said that he seemed weird, like we all hate him or something. I want to tell him that's not the case. I want to tell him that I miss the life we had together. I hate how things are seen as either appropriate or inappropriate when discussing such things with ex partners. Who made these rules anyway? I want to say something to him but it's like we're not allowed to talk about how we feel but it's open for discussion when we're talking to friends separately. It's available for public discussion but not one-to-one with the persons involved. I've only seen him 3 times since we split up. It was really nice that he asked me to do something more than just have a meal. Maybe we can go for a walk around the docks. It was hard finding things to do with him in the end. I didn't feel that connection. I felt we had to make an effort and it was true. I like the fantasy that we'll end up together but I don't think he's right for me. He doesn't have the best genes to pass on and is a little too social for me [something I don't think will ever quieten down even if we had a family] so I don't see it working again. It would never be as great as we were in the beginning and that's what I miss. Watching Eclipse for the third time tonight made me really want to have another first kiss. I miss that, the anticipation and nervousness, and feeling so wonderful and new. I can't wait for that to happen. I don't want to be slutty and go around kissing just anyone just for a kiss. I want to find my future husband and make a solid base with him. I hope I find him somewhere on my UK and beyond travels.

I want to start eating less junk, aka biscuits, and try to eat more fruit. I do well with breakfast [homemade yogurt with a banana and a kiwi when it's ripe] and lunch [a healthy toasted sandwich] and dinner [something healthy provided by my parents] but it's the snacks that I do bad on. I eat too many biscuits at different stages of the day. I need cut that out and eat a piece of fruit instead, an apple or orange. I should get grapes and cantelope and have them on hand for times I'm convinced I'm hungry. I'm walking for about an hour 4 times a week and am trying to get to the gym as well for a few classes. Once I'm on holiday I'll drink more water, eat less, and be active thus sleeping better. My skin will improve and so will my life in all aspects. I can't wait to be on holiday. I also can't wait till my savings are getting higher and higher, which isn't happening now as I don't have a high income. I hope I get a job soon, either this office junior position or the bank job. I'll talk to Holly about it tomorrow when we're out shopping for buttons supplies after my lunch with Yorick. We'll probably also look at hair dyes for me. We talked about going lighter as I liked it the one time I did it but this morning when drying my hair I reconsidered. Maybe I should do darker again. I like my hair darker. I don't want to regret dying it lighter as well as cutting it shorter. Darker it is.

I want to buy some UK walks books. There's one for Britain, including Scotland and Wales, and one for Ireland. I like going to bookstores and looking at them first so I might do that at some stage tomorrow before buying them off the Book Depository for cheaper. That site has the best deals ever. I only learned about it when it was too late for my first Uni degree but later is better than never. I'll be so fit over there and the walks will be amazing as well as providing me with exercise.

The covered buttons are going well. I've been making more but will need to get more of the buttons to turn into covered buttons in a little while. I also need more fabric, brighter this time, and have to work on the design. I'll try to do it myself with the help of pictures I find on the internet and see if it's okay to use. Once I have the design I'll be able to place some earrings in it and see the finished products. I'll have to make a few sizes of the earring cards with the design on it, one for 3 pairs, one for 2 pairs and one for 1 pair. I'm so excited to be learning all about marketing from Holly. She knows so much and has been a great help already. I'm loving this journey.

Making plans

Today was a nice and full day. First I had lunch with Sophie at my work and we did a lot of talking about Yorick. She mentioned again how he's been missing me this week, probably because the novelty of his new life has worn off and that's all he has. Apparently he's loving his new living arrangements and doesn't go out drinking as much. He likes to stay up till 4am drinking with his house mates, something he knows I wouldn't enjoy. He knows what I know -- that we're not in the right place to be together and somehow I don't think we ever will be. We both want different things from a partner and that's okay. Sophie mentioned how he's been late to work a lot and on Saturday morning last week he had to have a few lines of E to get himself up and about. That's madness. I'm worried about that boy but as Holly mentioned and my mum and Sophie agree with, he's not my problem anymore and I should just let it go. I'm trying but I feel for him. I just want him to be healthy. I hope he quits. Sophie said he really wants to quit and I know he has it in him. He's quit before but has just let it creep back in until it's too late to stop it. I hope he finds purpose and meaning for his life. We're going for lunch on Thursday and it'll actually happen this week.

I wrote to him: "Hey you. Want to get together for lunch this week? Maybe Thursday? Or Wednesday even. Shame we missed each other at Cool Thai. Would have been funny to bump into each other there. Anyway I hope you're doing well xx"

He replied almost straight away, which was very nice of him: "Hey Thursday sounds great, I have the day off. Any ideas where to go? We could maybe hang out afterwards and do something too."

I'm really glad he wants to spend some quality time together but it seems a little weird that he wrote that. I replied mentioning Bar Celona and that maybe we could go for a walk afterwards or something and that we can confirm times on Wednesday. He didn't write back after that. I hate how he never has the last word. He does it a lot and it annoys me. He probably thinks the conversation doesn't need to be replied to as it would be a waste. I'll have to try and finalise my messages so, like my sister, it makes me feel better. We shall see. I really like that he's been missing me. I miss his company and that form of intimacy. I want to hug him and hang with him at home like we used to. That won't happen though. We're just no meant to be. He's totally messed up, which makes me sad, and what he wants to be doing is what he is, and that is drinking and being sociable. I'm not as into that as he is, and it's few and far between those events for me. We're not suited well. I keep thinking that once he's sorted himself out in a few years he might want me back but I'll [fingers crossed] have found someone that's better suited for me and wonder what to do. It probably won't happen and I'm flattering myself here a lot but I need to erase those thoughts and not plan on any such thing and life my life the way I want to. I won't wait for him ever again, I learned that lesson, and will endeavor to stop that from happening in future relationships. I want the next guy I'm with to be a contender for being the one to marry. I just hope he's out there, preferably in the UK, as sometimes I believe I belong there more so than here in Australia. We shall see. I miss him but then again I have lots going for me in my life where he doesn't so he's probably thinking he made a mistake in some ways but not others as we're not right for each other right now. We had a blast together when we were good but grew apart into a place where we're not compatible. If we were good again I might consider getting back with him but I doubt we'll ever get back to such a place. It's probably not our destiny. Ahh dear.

Guilt

Sophie wrote to me a little while ago about stuff that happened at Maddy's party and as such I wrote back. It's been a little while since she replied to my reply but I was happy to find out that Yorick is doing a lot worse than I am, which also makes me feel guilty. It's as if our roles have been switched, that I should feel worse and him better, but it's nice to be on this side for a change. Through this whole thing I have been coping easily and well and as such I feel strange because I feel I'm meant to feel a certain way. It still gets me.

Sophie saw him at his house last night and she said he said he's been missing me this week. She said it seems to be sinking in for him that it's over for us and that it threw him seeing me at the party probably because I was happy and sociable and having a great time and didn't seem at all depressed. I like that he's missing me and struggling more than I am but as I've mentioned that also makes me feel guilty. Holly said after I messaged her about this that "he probably thought [I] would lose it but [I've] shown [myself] to be made of stronger stuff." She mentioned that we always knew he would regret it and that it seems to be happening sooner rather than later. I suppose that's true. I'll make a solid plan with him this week to catch up.

I am actually sad that he's struggling with it all. I believe it's partly because he doesn't have much of substance in his life at the moment to look forward to or to be proud of. He needs to stop smoking and drinking so much and make something of his life. He's so smart and can get anywhere if he puts his mind to it. I know he'll be okay one day. I hate that we're not close anymore as I would love to have that again. I would love to comfort him and hug him and joke with him like we used to but it wouldn't be the same. If I show any affection now I'm afraid he might take that as me wanting him back or something. I'm fine with the way things are.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Sophie reassured me that he hasn't slept with anyone and she insisted that she believe he wouldn't have cheated on me so that's nice to hear. I see him kissing that girl as helping him deal with things as that's how I expect boys to cope. I was a bit sad to hear about it, naturally. Sometimes I think of us kissing again or at least hugging. I loved our cute bits and miss them a lot. Life is strange without him but I don't have constant reminders to pull me back from progress. I'm getting through it.

Buttons update

I went to Holly's this afternoon and we had lengthy chats about how to present my button earrings and what to make as a label. I now have so many things to consider but it's good. Once I have my design I'll be able to put the earrings on the cards and have them ready to sell one day when I'm ready for a market. I'll have a woodland theme for my earring cards in a few different sizes most likely, one for one set of earrings, one for 3 pairs, and a larger one for 3 pairs as I have the two different earring sizes. She suggested I make a separate tag for my bracelets but I can't picture that as yet. She makes her cards from thick, textured paper and prints her design onto them. I'll be doing something similar, using a 220gsm thickness and she mentioned getting the design made into an ink stamp so I can just reproduce it like that. That would be something extra fun! I also need to get the brighter colours in the fabrics I got so I can have colour sets, single pairs, and different sets like a pastel, a bold and a stripy or something similar. The packaging will sell it. I believe that's very true. Packaging makes me buy a lot of things and if I like what I make I know others will too. I'm picky and I think that's a good thing. For the design, Holly and Ruben said it should be in black and white as to not overpower the earrings themselves, to make it less of a colour-overload, but I can make one in colour for the pricing list for example. I can do that with water colours, Holly mentioned. There's so much to think about. We'll go shopping this week sometime to get these supplies and to get me some hair colours so she can dye my hair lighter with nice tones. Once I have this design sorted I'll feel like it's all coming together, and it will be. I like that it's going slow so I can savor it and make sure it's all working and that kind of thing. I'm loving this.

Men

I watched Made of Honour tonight on TV and I loved the bit where they all go to Scotland. One of the main characters finds a man there and that's what I want to do. I want to find my future husband there. There are so many things I want to do in my life, like live in New Zealand for a while, and I just hope that if I find a UK husband that it'll all work out. I fantasize about it a lot and wonder where we would get married -- here or there, or two weddings -- and where we would live -- again here or there -- and I just hope if I find him there that it will all work out. I had an interesting thought and maybe a little inappropriate to do with Yorick, that he would come to the UK and find me and ask for me back. Pfft. Seef. He might go and have lots of flings but I'll shove that right in his face when I find my husband. I'm better than he is. He's so messed up and has always had that in him. I will do way better than him. Sometimes, like tonight, I miss our New Zealand and Vanuatu trips together. I loved those places so much and liked how they went with him as my companion. That's my kind of holiday, having someone who wants to do all the same things as I do and have thoughts about what else to do. I liked that a lot. I miss those places more than I miss him. I do miss what we had there though. Whenever I think of us it's when we were on holiday. It's that I remember the most. Sure I remember being at home sometimes but it's mostly in those last few weeks, when we were putting things in boxes and weren't really talking. That's all I have in my mind. I suppose that will help me get through things. I'm fine about it all, really, it's just sometimes I miss particular things. I don't like who he is so that makes it easy. Hmm.

Second Yorick rant

I hate it how Yorick will write something on a Facebook status of mine and I'll write back but he won't write again. It's the same with my email about why we broke up. I wrote back and he didn't. It's as if he wants people to see he's being nice, including me, but doesn't want to show he's being too nice as if I'll want him back. I don't! He's not right for me. It was so easy, the ending, and it makes me realise we weren't meant to be. I just wish he understood that I don't want him back, especially if he replies to something I said.

Eclipse was alright. I felt like the acting was a bit too scripted, like they were just saying the lines. I did like it though, and I'm sure once I watch it again after I watch the first two movies I'll like it even more. I wonder how the fourth will go?

Yorick rant and tattoo news

I'm pissed off that Yorick didn't invite me to his party the night after Maddy's party. I wouldn't have gone in a million years but it has offended me that he didn't ask, even just to be polite. That would have been nice. I know he didn't because we're not together anymore but he still should have invited me. It's the polite thing to do. Yorick rant over.

I'm going to see Eclipse tonight with Jessi and her friend Amy. I can't wait! It'll be awesome. I have to get more button supplies first and also want to go for a walk. I haven't been to the gym this week but will try to get to a class on Monday and Tuesday. It's just so far away, and when I am in town I don't feel like getting all sweaty. It has been nice going with walks with mum and dad [separately] and I might go by myself today and listen to some music. Dad and I did this different walk. We drove further up the road and walked up where the 4 wheel drivers drive and it had a nice view, a bit obscured but nice. It was a lot steeper, muddier and rockier than the regular walk but nice for a change. I'll have to do it again one day. I'll go for a walk for 45 minutes or something, shower, watch the end of Hung that I recorded, maybe the first of 7 episodes of Little Dorrit that was also recorded, then I can head to town for button supplies then to the Glenorchy movies for a bit before 6pm. I hope there's enough time.

In tattoo news, I printed out the samples I have and found the perfect size, length and width that I like. I have it in a font I found on the internet at Da Font but want to try out the other fonts in the same measurements so see which one is perfect. I want to give blood a few more times before I get this tattoo [which gives me even more time to get used to it] because once you get a new tattoo you have to wait a year before giving blood in case there was an infection. Also, I'm going to be in the UK for a while and they might not let me give blood once I've been somewhere for more than 6 weeks or something. I have a rare blood type too [AB+] so I want to give as much as I can before I possibly can't anymore. It's nice getting my tattoo prepared though. I also kind of want another one, a cool cartoon picture like Kurt Halsey or Tamaxxx, but not so gruesome as Tamaxxx. I like her style but it's a bit too cut-off=their-heads for me. I'll find something eventually but I don't know where to look. I should get on the road.