Resumes and cover letters

I'm currently revamping my resume as suggested by Holly. She emailed me hers to have a look at so I'm copying that so I can send it off with the cover letter she helped me write tomorrow so it gets there by the Friday deadline. I hope I get this job, an Office Junior at a law firm in Hobart, as it sounds cool. The ad said "the work will involve deliveries, sorting mail, reception and general office duties," and I think that's something I could do well. If I don't get this job I'll apply for a job at the bank Holly used to work at and see what happens there. I didn't hear back yet from the reception positions I applied for last week so I might not. That's okay though. My resume will be better and so will my cover letter.

Buttons

I made a whole lot of covered buttons last night, probably 8 pairs with a green fabric, the tie-dyed fabric I bought off Etsy, and it's reminding me of my plan to make bracelets. I need some leather, which I'll have to get Holly to show me where to find it, and find some other material to use as the between-er. I have to sketch this part in my A5 covered buttons workbook so I don't forget, that was the point of making one. I actually like that the fabric is unpredictable with all its different shades and patterns. I'm going to like using it and selling unique earrings, rings and bracelets. I just need more parts to be able to have finished products ready to sell. I need business sized cards with 2 holes in it to put the earrings on. I hope I can find something like that somewhere. I have no idea where to look.

Drifting apart

I stumbled upon this picture on my Laptop a few days ago when looking for cute pictures I have for a possible tattoo. It sums up my and Yorick's relationship very well at this point. He said our end was us drifting apart. It's more like I matured and grew up and he didn't. He's the same person he was 4 years ago measured by his actions and social life. I've changed, grown up, and am slowly getting ready to have a family but not yet. I'm on that path but he's still the teenager and won't grow up. Maybe I met my Peter Pan after all.

Big weekend

I don't feel so great. I went out on Friday night to Maddy's party and am still recovering for two main reasons. Being hungover and Yorick. I'll start from the beginning.

Friday night I had dinner at home, then got a message from Holly about having a few drinks at her place before heading to the party. I went there for 730pm and we chatted, then were joined by Andi. We had a great time there chatting away, and for about 10pm or something we went up to the party. Yorick was there but he had already consumed so much alcohol that all he was doing was sitting on the couch looking stoned or something, really sleepy, so it wasn't that's great to see him. We waved and said "hi, how are you" to each other like we were simply acquaintances and that was that. He was there with one of his flatmates and some other girl, who I talked to briefly at the toilet line and I think she's down from Brisbane. Holly and I sat in front of him and were chatting away and he might have been jealous but I'm not sure why. Oh the jealous game. How silly. On the boat I had finished off my 4 mini champagnes and had some punch at the party. I didn't need to keep drinking but I did.

I saw Apples at one point and said hi briefly and he was happy to see me. Later on we chatted more. I said to him how I'm fine but was a bit too drunk at that point to be having the conversation so I went on and on about how I'm worried about Yorick and if he can take care of him because he hasn't grown as a person in the last 4 years when all his friends around him have. For some reason I kept wiping away tears, although I didn't know I was crying. I asked Apples if he has been with anyone since we split up and he said he has "kissed" someone and at the time I was okay with that. A girl at work said that was code for having slept with someone. I was upset about the kissing part yesterday but of course he has slept with someone. I hope he feels totally crappy about it. I have a feeling it might be Dani but I'm not sure. I have no idea. It's hard trying to picture it. Is he going to keep f-ing this person or what? I don't know. I shouldn't think about it. Anyway, Apples took me away from the party to talk more, or comfort me as I was crying. I feel like I embarrassed myself and let on too much about how I'm going, even though I'm fine but I don't want Yorick to know I cried or asked about who he's been with. Bad move Anna. He'll totally pass it on. Damn it. I mostly went on about how I'm worried about Yorick but kinda want to clarify it to Apples. Hrm.

After hanging around and doing party stuff for a while, it came to the end of the night for me. I was talking to this guy about stuff I can't remember, and I hope Yorick watched. He was sitting in the perfect position. Then I went to Andi because we were going to head off soon and I asked if I should say bye to Yorick. I did that, and gave him a kiss on the cheek, said something about lunch and having some NZ photos he might like [bungy and the DVD] then headed off. I went and stayed at Sarah's place down the road. I think I got there at 230am and we chatted and stuff, went and moved my car. Saturday was okay. I didn't feel 100% and still don't and had a few cries about Yorick having "moved on" with someone else. It's worse now knowing he's probably had sex with this person but I knew once I knew it would be hard at first but it would ultimately get me closer to being over it. I don't know how lunch is going to go with him. I never want to be around him drunk again, it's such a waste. I have to keep reminding myself that he's not the guy for me. He's not and that's okay. I'm doing so well with everything I keep surprising people. Sometimes I feel like I should be feeling worse but maybe that's a sign that it's not meant to be.

I hope that he feels crappy about having "moved on" with someone else. I don't know how guys can move on so fast. I guess it's a help-them-get-over-it type of thing, to ease memories they don't want to have all the time. I'm not like that. I'm going to wait ages because that's me and I want it to mean something. I'm sick of wasting time with the wrong guys although it is good to learn about what I do and don't want in relationships. I don't see the point in having a fling with a guy. It would only make me feel slutty and I know I'd cry because it wouldn't be Yorick. It's complicated but just me.

I want to write to Apples and let him know I didn't realise I was crying and that I'm not that messed up. Maybe that it was stupid of me to ask if he's been with anyone and try to make it seem like I'm really cool about it. Too much drinking got me talking too much.

I don't know what I feel anymore. I know I feel physically crappy but I'm not sure about the whole Yorick thing anymore. It'll probably be really awkward when we next hang out to catch up. I don't what Apples to tell him all the stuff I said, but he might like it. Holly told me that Yorick had asked about me one night last week or something, how I was doing. It took her by surprise, she said. She said I was fine. It's nice that he asks. Apples will probably talk to him about it. Arr. I'm not crying to day. I'm in a bit of a funk but it's party because I'm feeling crappy. Knowing that he's been with someone else will make things easier. Just got to keep remind myself that he's not the man for me and that that's okay.

In other news, I have churned through the 6th season of Will & Grace in 3 days. There are only 2 season to go but I have to wait until next Wednesday before I can get the next one [possibly both if I have enough money] and it's painful. It always makes me laugh, or at least smile on the inside, and I'm glad for it. It's nice having new things to look forward to. I'm back to Gilmore Girls now. An old time classic.

Holly told me not to send the message so I didn't. She said just let it be and to stop listening to others [like Sara at work I presume]. She said that I should let Yorick go as he's not my problem anymore and I'm only hurting myself. I'll work on that. Now I know he's most likely been with someone I can let him go more. It's all a long drawn out process for me when dealing with a break-up. It has to be so I can deal with it all there and then, not down the track. I hate that I made a fool of myself in front of Apples though. He messaged me the next day hoping I was okay and I said thanks so much. I'll try to put it out of my mind. I really care for Yorick so I want to catch up with him for lunch this week but I am also anxious about it because of the party and us both trying to move on and deal with not having each other in our lives the way we used to be. I'm worried about him, I truly am, and that's why I want to see him, not to let him know that but to see how he is. It'll just be hard, that's all. Enough of this.

Miserable day

Progress with the covered buttons isn't steaming along but I don't want to rush so I'm fine with that. I'm still waiting for a lot of the parts I need to make earrings and rings but I did receive the fabric today. It's a lot more tie-dyed than I had hoped. I wish the fabric pieces were all the one colour but that's not how it worked out. I love the colour range I got but I'll have to work around the fabric and make some good different earrings.

Maddy's party is tonight. Yorick is going. We haven't been around each other in a social gathering since we broke up. We've hung out together alone and that's it so I guess this will be the test. I think it's better seeing him alone as he has to focus his attention on me then whereas with a party where there are other people he would probably prefer to be around than want to talk to me. He'll do it out of obligation but that's okay. I like that he's thought of getting me back because even though I know that's not going to happen and that's not what I want, having him like that makes me seem more over it than he is. I don't know if that's true but since we emailed through Facebook I have felt more okay with it all. I'm doing really well but tonight will definitely be the test.

The weather is horrible today. We are in Winter so it's always cold but it's raining today. So miserable. The theme for the party tonight is 'tropical' so I'm going to wear my Vanuatu sarong somehow, probably as a skirt, but it's not a very appropriate theme. It should have been a Russian theme or something, with big fur coats. Arr. I'm going to get some mini champagne bottles. Either that or a bottle. Individually they will both set me up for the night. I'm excited to see Holly. I haven't seen her in about 2 weeks since she and Ruben went to Melbourne. She's been my rock I suppose, the one who I can always count on to see the best and the potential in me and help me see it too. She gives me confidence that I'm going to be okay.

I think a lot about how one day I will have the life I want -- a life with a husband and 2 kids [maybe more] and a great house and a great job. I know I'll have all of that but for now I'm getting used to feeling a little unsettled because of not being with Yorick. Things were just how I wanted them. When we kissed we didn't use too much tongue [mostly none with I liked], and we'd discussed what I didn't want to to in other areas. With the next guy I'll have to do it all over again. I liked that things were talked about or in their place. For the right guy it won't be too much of a hassle I suppose. I just hope that guy rocks my world in the bedroom so I won't want to leave it. That's what was missing between Yorick and I.

I should really go and lite the fire. It needs to warm up in here. Maybe I can do some covered buttons work.

Yesterday was a really fun day. Jessi and I went to the Casino for a buffet all-you-can-eat lunch. I went to the gym afterwards for a 30 minute fast walk, watched the last 4 episodes of One Tree Hill season 7 [shock by the way] and then went to dinner with my sister at Pizza Hut for an all-you-can-eat session there. It was great. Afterwards we went to K-Mart and I got Will and Grace season 6 on DVD for $20 [the were $10 each for the first 5 seasons at Blockbuster in Glenorchy but they didn't have 6-8]. We went back to her house and watched The Ugly Truth and I got home for midnight. It was a very fun day. I loved the Pizza Hut dinner. We had lots of chips and pizza, some chocolate mousse and ice cream for desert and shared a jug of Pepsi [they didn't have Coke]. So full.

I just got an email back from the Cruise Ships jobs to send them my resume and a photo. It will all cost so much to get to wherever they need me to in order to work on a ship so I wouldn't be able to do it for a while. I'll see how far I get in the process and decide then. May as well apply and see what happens.

Now to that fire.

Just thinking

On Monday I was thinking, "I miss that lifestyle; having someone to come home to, no parents, just the two of us. I appreciated it in a taken-for-granted way." I like living at home but sometimes I miss the independence and adultness of having my own home. I hated how it was always messy. I was thinking yesterday that one day I might have to have a maid, or a nanny who will help out around the house if I have a few kids with my one-day husband. Sara at work says he should be older, thus more mature. The more time that passes from the split with Yorick, the more I realise he's not the guy for me. He's shorter, and has a receding hairline, not the greatest genes to pass on. And he's too young now in terms of maturity. He's 8 months older than me but he needs to go off and be single, not feeling like he's tied down and that's it. He's not right for me. I want someone with stunning looks [to me at least] who is a bit taller and I suppose older, someone who is very family oriented and wants to start a family with me soon. I keep watching TV series and see people getting together and I know I will have that one day. I love that feeling I get watching them, imagining myself in their position, with first kisses and all those beautiful things in the beginning of a relationship. I'm excited for it to arrive for me one day. I'll be waiting for a year or so but I can do it.

Mum and I were talking about the UK today on our walk. I really want to stay a long time, to travel and work there, then to have enough money to go off on my own to other countries. Having Sarah there might seem like I'm her keeper and that I won't be as free as I would like to be but we'll work around that. She probably won't stay as long as I want to but then again we have to wait and see. I want to do the style of travelling Yorick and I did. We went and saw the sights and wandered around, shopped, rested and relaxed, but Sarah will be different. It'll work out. Planning is a must, mum said. I guess that will help Sarah get excited and have things to do. Hm.

I'm still waiting for more covered button things. I have been working on my travel books though. I'm proud of my progress. There is still a lot to do but I feel happier because I'm doing something productive, instead of wasting time watching TV shows. I need more hobbies, or a job. I applied for some receptionist positions in Kingston [15 minutes from my parents' house] so hopefully I will hear back from them soon. I need to start saving. Having regular work would also pick my spirits up. I need another job. I'm so lazy without one.

My little niece or nephew will be born in 6 weeks. My brother and his wife are having a baby and I'm going to be an auntie! I'm excited about that. I bought their baby some cute onesies from Threadless that I gave to George at her baby shower last Saturday. I can't wait! It makes me want one, all the cute clothes. There were so many small babies at the shower. Aww. I'll have that one day with the right man for me. Yay!

Earring success

I hate that Yorick has found a new love for Facebook. He status updates all the time and I read his comments on other peoples' status and sometimes, mostly actually, they are crude and always have a sexual element. It's not very nice to read but I want to know what he's up to.

I did some gluing with my covered buttons today. I've put some of the small earring backs [6mm] onto two of the size 20 [12mm] buttons so I can wear them tonight at work and show off my creations. I made the mistake of ordering more of the small earring backs instead of the bigger ones [8mm] so I talked to the eBayer I bought them off and she said I can swap them for the bigger ones. I think they will fit much better and look much better also than the smaller ones. I'm still waiting for the rings and the fabric and I think both of them will arrive next week. The rings should have been here by now but I can wait a little longer.

I went to the gym today for a tour. It was good. I really like the upstairs cardio/weights area and will start using that soon. There is this great machine, a bike, with a game TV screen in front of it which you 'play' to unlock higher biking levels. You have to steer and pedal and it's like you're cross country biking. I think I'll like that one. Also the treadmills are great. They check your heart rate and there is a little table which shows all the heart rate areas and what to aim for. I'll try and go 5 days a week.

I am so poor right now. I hate not having any money. I want a bookstore job but the are fresh out of those so I'll have to keep waiting until next month. It sucks because I want to buy things and have to pay for petrol and stuff and that takes away the small amount I earn each week from thebeach. It's very quiet there too so I can't really get more shifts until next month or something. Arg.

I have been thinking about the Yorick situation and I think it's okay because we did grow apart because we weren't doing things together and one day I will find someone to be with who will want to stay with me. I'll find someone like me, a bit of a homebody but also social, and he will hang out with me lots and we'll be in love and I'll call him by his first name. In my past relationships I had never used their names, always a cutesy name like Tate or Chimmy for Yorick. Sometimes I think that when I meet my someday husband I'll use his first name when conversing with him and that will be a sign. I hope this guy will like and play music, that he'll be taller than me with dark hair and eyes, and someone I'll click with, have fun with, and have a great sex life with. I know he's out there somewhere. I'm not ready to find him just yet but it's something to look forward to, to help me deal with the growing apart from Yorick, and to get me excited.

I've been looking at BlackBerry phones to get instead of the HTC Desire because they have the full QWERTY keyboard and are still pretty and better at connecting to the internet and stuff. I have seen some review about how the QWERTY keyboards on touch screen phones are hard to use, which they are, and allow for more errors than solid QWERTY keyboards. That's why I think I'll change to the BlackBerry Curve 8900 or Bold 9000. They are pretty!

Nothing much to report

I went out for Adam's farewell last night. Dinner was nice. I had the entrée chicken gnocchi, which I love, and had a few drinks there with Annie and Grace. We went to town and had $3 spirits at the Tele then went to O-Bar [aka The Observatory] for a bit of a dance. It was nice, but not a great night out. I hate having a bag to look after and not feeling into it makes it hard to want to do more. It was nice though.

I am waiting for supplies for my covered button earrings but they are so slow in the mail it's annoying me. I'm waiting for ring and the fabric and just got some wrong sized earring backs again. Arr. I want 8mm earring backs but instead I keep getting 6mm ones and they're too small. It's so hard to find the 8mm ones though. I got some more super glue though. The stuff I got originally doesn't work so I had to get another one. This one looks like it'll work.

I joined the Uni Gym yesterday. I had my first class there on Tuesday, and I'm going again tonight. I think Emma and I are going there on Saturday morning at 830am. Also on Saturday I have Georgie's baby shower to attend with my mum and sister. The onesies I got for them are so cute. Makes me want to have a baby.

His reply

Yorick finally wrote back to my email and I’m not sure quite what I’m feeling. I’m crying but I now understand his side of things, which makes me happy, but what he wrote also makes me sad. Here it is:

“I think we broke up because we grew apart and wanted different things from life that we couldn’t give each other. Please don’t doubt that what we had was beautiful, because it was. We made each other happy for a long time. For me it feels like that towards the end we had totally different priorities, interests and pleasures, and although we tried to make it work for a while (even before either of us consciously realised this) we were basically just keeping up appearances of a happy contented couple. We didn’t spend much time together apart from happenstance at home, because there weren’t many things that we wanted to do together.

I’m a very social person and that made it hard for me when there were fun things happening involving people we both know and you would mostly prefer to either show up briefly or not go at all, when my call would be to stay for the duration. You’ve said several times during all this that I’m not the person you fell in love with and that I didn’t treat you the same as I used to, but it’s a double-edged sword. If you recall our early days, you’ll remember that we used to go out a lot, to parties, venues etc and have a lot of fun. That became a less and less frequent occurrence later in our relationship, and I guess I gave up on the idea of us going out together because it stopped happening. That started to create a dichotomy in my personal life because I’d go to something and people would ask “Where’s Anna tonight?” My reply would be something like “She’s just staying at home”. After a while most people stopped asking and then on the nights you did come out I would have this whole other things happening and you didn’t quite slot into it anymore. You would always be a priority for me when you did come out and I’d try to give you my attention and time but a lot of the time that was a conflict of interest. As for staying home, once again I think we just didn’t have that many common interests any more. We could always watch a movie, but that’s a pretty bland starting point. I found that a lot of the time we had nothing to talk about except general day-to-day stuff of what we’d been doing.

You were never a crappy girlfriend, you always loved and cared for me so much. I guess things just change. Of course I care about and for you, how could I not? It hasn’t been an easy adjustment and I still miss you and think about you a lot. I was actually thinking about you as I was driving home right before I first got your email. I guess the truth is that it hurts to think about losing you, even though it was my actions that caused it, and I’m just trying to get on with life now that we’re not together anymore. You will always be my first true love and hold a special place in my heart. Sometimes I find myself wishing we’ll get back together, but I know that we aren’t in the right place for each other. Who knows what the future will bring for either of us, but I’m sure we’ll both end up happy, because we’re both good and loving people, and we both deserve it. I hope this has helped you get an insight into my thoughts. It’s helped me sort it all out in my head as well by getting it all down. Love always.”

I’m so happy he wrote to me but I’m sad about it all too. I love that he thinks about me because not a day has gone by when I don’t think of him. I love that he has also though about us getting back together but I too know that we’re not in the right place for each other. I didn’t know that we’d drifted apart though. I guess I can’t see that yet but it makes me sad and upon reflection I suppose it makes sense.

I didn’t fit into his world anymore. I can’t remember what we used to talk about in the beginning. I know it was a lot deeper than we had done before the end but when our fire was burning out I found it hard to talk to him as it seemed like his heart wasn’t in it. If people looked at our actions they would have known something was up before we did, and I think that’s the case.

I am so glad he wrote back. I half thought he was ignoring me, happy to be rid of me as I have never known the other side of a break up, and half thought that he was choosing his words and figuring things out. I guess I was expecting the worst because of his new lifestyle. I really want to see him right now and hug and chat some more. Maybe we can catch up tomorrow. I have to think about what to reply to him.

I wrote this last night, crying all the way through, and am now reflecting up on whilst preparing to send it to him. My eyes are all puffy. Bother.

“Thank you so much for getting back to me. It means so much to me to know your thoughts and take on what happened. I wrote most of this last night but wanted to sleep on it before sending my reply to you. I’m glad you still care about me and that you think about me too because I think about you everyday, trying to work this all out, and knowing that you’re having a hard time with it also makes it easier. Not knowing your thoughts made me think that you might be glad to be rid of me or something. After the 2 other break ups I’ve had I never knew what the other was thinking or feeling so I assumed that they were fine about it as if I were erased form their memory so it’s really nice to know that you’re going through similar things. It’s not nice that we have to go through this but I guess you’re right, we did grow apart, and as such we need to go our separate ways and find out who we are and what we want because I’m not sure who I am anymore.

I wish we had discussed it at the time, the growing apart, so we could have done something about it. Then again, things probably turned out for the best. I hated that we weren’t hanging out and always wished we were doing more fun things and going on outings together. I guess we both had different priorities when it came to having fun because for you that usually involved your friends or parties when I would have preferred just to spend time with you alone. I suppose you’re right about our beginning and me changing to being less party girl than I might have been. I just got over the drinking and parties and wasn’t allowing myself to be spontaneous and do what I wanted when I did go to a party because I was always thinking about how I’d get home, especially since you would, as you said, want to stay for the duration. Drinking doesn’t really interest me much and towards the end that’s all you wanted to do, or it was a lot of what you did, and that seemed to cement our ending more. Couples don’t have to do the same things or like the same things but when those things are a big part of their lives it makes it hard to combine them to find a satisfying compromise. That’s probably part of our result. Things might have worked out if we were more similar but whatever the result I’m glad we were together for the time we were. It meant so much to me. I think we worked well when we were both living at our parents’ places or when you were at Allison Street because we were getting together for a purpose and were doing fun things. Looking back, I think that the most fun I had with you was on holiday but then again you didn’t have your friends there to troop off with so it’s not the reality. I just liked the way we spent time together, which combined my two favourite things, you and travelling.

It felt like we were housemates towards the end. I think that’s part of what makes it easy to be friends with you now because we were getting good practice at it and didn’t even know it. It made me so sad in the last few months that you were never home as it felt like you didn’t want to hang out with me and I missed you so much. I miss calling out to you from upstairs when you were downstairs and all our quirky lines and names and having you there next to me in bed. I miss making meals with you, or rather watching you make meals for us :D And I really miss hugging you. I need one of your great big hugs right now but you feel so far away in so many ways. Plus it’s probably not appropriate. I haven’t been crying-upset since the weekend we moved out until now. I’ve been doing really well, trying to be positive and optimistic (about the future) and adult about it, telling myself that it’s for the best because we didn’t fit right in the end. Now (last night) I’m crying because I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s lost something and am adjusting to a different life. I really thought you didn’t care and that you weren’t affected by it, maybe because you have a hip hop happening life in your new house with your new housemates and all the fun social things going on. It’s really nice to know your side because I forgot that you are a wonderful person and that you wouldn’t just move on like nothing had happened.

I miss who we were when we were great and I’m sad because that doesn’t exist anymore. We had some great times together and I will always treasure our relationship. Thanks again for replying. Knowing why things didn’t work out and that you’re struggling too makes it easier to deal with and accept. Maybe we can catch up for lunch one time this week or next. Love always too.”

I feel much better having replied and sorted it all out with him. Now I know why we didn't work out and as I wrote to him I can now accept it as it makes much more sense. I am usually pretty good with staying optimistic and positive about the future and now I can remember this conversation when I think he's forgotten about me or when I miss him.

Last night when I had first read this and was writing my reply, I went down for hugs with mum and dad and we had a bit chat about it all. Mum said that I'm honest and that I get my need to deal with something completely before moving on from her. I like that that's my process because I'm more whole afterwards. We talked about my future and what I'm good at and that we need to write that stuff down and find an appropriate job that corresponds to what I'm good at and my personality. I might do something to do with museums or an art gallery. She'll come with me to the career counselor as I always forget what to say. It's hard not having much going on in my life. I'm a lost soul, in limbo, and am not moving forward in some regards. I want to be saving towards my UK trip but can't because I don't have much work. It's hard. I'll get there in the end though.

15th 1201am

I want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I like having someone to come home to, to message, to hang with, and I don’t have that anymore. That’s what I miss the most. Sometimes I think I miss Yorick but I miss not having him there more. It was so good having him there but then he stopped being there, avoiding my by staying out all night, and then he was gone completely. I really want someone to be with. I miss messaging Yorick, finding out what he was doing, if he was free to have dinner with me. I don’t get messages anymore as they were always from him. If we were still together I would be spending my time with him and I wouldn’t be so bored. Then again we’d still be living together so we might still be in a rut. I am totally bored. I need a full time job so I can save money and get out of here. I’m not the single type. I need a partner to round out my life, that’s who I am. I’ll choose better next time. Yorick and I weren’t right and going back wouldn’t be right. I know that. It’s hard getting used to being alone. I know it’ll do me some good so I can figure out who I am, who I want to be, and how to keep myself while in a relationship and not let everything depend on that other person. Its hard knowing that I won’t find the right guy for a whole even tough I know being alone will be good for me. I miss having Yorick by my side. I also make myself jealous of his new life, and my other ex-boyfriends’ lives, which makes things harder. I don’t want him to be with anyone else even though I bet he already has been. He has this whole new life and it doesn’t include me. That hurts. It all hurts. Him and his flatmates. Their outings are sickening. He lives with 3 other girls. I hate it! It seems like he’s totally unmoved by us, like the last 4 years didn’t happen. That hurts too. It would be so much better if I had more work. I still haven’t had a reply to his email. I didn’t want to seem weak or that I’m not doing as well as I am but I want to know where he stands on us. I need his reply. He’s got the soccer world cup on and never-ending drinks to keep up with so he probably doesn’t have time for me and my questions about all this serious emotional stuff. I don’t matter anymore. I bet he loves being single but what did the last 4 years mean to him? How can he just chuck that away? Is it the spilt milk thing or a sign that I didn’t mean much to him? Arr I need to stop thinking about this. He’ll reply eventually. I know I’ll find something way better but waiting for it is hard. I’ll be okay. Getting used to things is different but it has to be done. I’m going to try and make my body a temple so I have something to be proud of. That will be my newest hobby next to the covered buttons.

"Clarification needed"

I just wrote Yorick and email via Facebook. I need to get clarification on why we ended and how he feels about it all. I hope he replies and isn't offended by my asking. It's hard being in the dark when thinking about how he feels about it all. Here is my letter:

"I have been thinking about us lately and just want to ask you a few questions. I want to be able to understand it all better like why things turned out the way they did and it would help me a great deal if I can truly understand it all.

Did we break up because you needed to be single? Or did it have something to do with me? Was I a crappy girlfriend? Looking back on it all I can see that splitting up was the right decisions for me because you weren't the kind of boyfriend I need. I want someone who will be glad to spend their evenings with me and see how you used to see me. I always came second to your friends and your partying. I want to be someone's first priority but you couldn't give me that and that's okay. I suppose I have high expectations when it comes to relationships and what I want. What happened with us made me think about what I do and don't want so it's nice to see things clearly for once.

Did I actually mean something to you? You seem to be doing really well without me and I'm wondering if you miss me at all. For me it's like your ghost is still there where you used to be. Getting used to not having you there is hard but then other times it feels fine because I'm not in the same places I was with you, like our house. Having a different life means I'm not always struggling to push away memories of us in particular places and I'm trying to find other things to be happy about. Sometimes I think about what we would be life if we didn't live together when we were still us. We were a great couple when you were at Allison Street and whenever I think about us and try to picture how we were I always think of us on holiday [NZ, Vanuatu, or camping]. This makes me think that the next relationship I will be in will fail when we live together. I guess I'm asking what is me? Was I the reason you didn't come home a lot?

I'm sorry if it is bad of me to ask but we were together for a very long time and I don't know how you feel about us ending. I didn't always know how you felt about stuff as it seems you found it hard to talk to me but I would just like to know your view of our relationship so I can get all the facts and finally understand it all from your side. I just want to know if you care[d] and if I was easy to forget.

Thanks so much."

And that's it. I hope he can help me. I'll probably cry [as I did while writing that] when he replies with some harsh realities but I need to know so I can move on knowing that I meant something to him and [hopefully] that he has found it hard too. Only time will tell.

Uni Gym

I'm not going to join Zap Fitness, I'm going to join the Uni Gym! Sam White mentioned it to me via Facebook and it's great because it has classes I like, which is the biggest reason I go to the gym, and it's cheapish. It will be cheaper as I still have my Uni card. The new classes timetable comes out on Monday so I'll try and join then or on Wednesday when I get paid. I might have to go the 3 months for $139 or 6 months for $195. For a year it's $300 so I'll have to think about this. It might be best for me financially to do a smaller lot first and make sure I utilise it as best I can instead of slacking off as I did at Endorphin. I wanna get fit!

Emma and I did our usual drinks at Onba and dinner at Cool Thai last night and afterwards we went to see Sex and the City 2 in Glenorchy. I loved Carrie's clothes, as per usual, and the first half was so glamorous and I really want to make one of Carrie's skirts for myself and get some high [up the leg] lace up boots to wear with it. I want to be fabulous!

His ghost is still here

I miss having someone to spend time with. Yorick was always there and I'm finding it hard to get used to him not being there anymore. I'm a relationship person. I want someone to fill out my life but first I have to get used to being alone and being independent. I need to figure out who I am without a partner so I can be more whole when I do meet someone. I don't want to lose myself again and make everything depend on him. That's not healthy and has always been my downfall. I'll do better next time. Next time he'll be my forever guy, I just know it.

He messaged me yesterday asking about a phone number for an old landlord we had. I didn't have it but I asked him to hang out next week sometime and he said he'd message me then. On one of the messages he had a 'x' aka a kiss at the end but I didn't do that on mine. That will get me into trouble. I'm not sure why he did that. I know he won't but if he ever asked for me back I know it wouldn't work. We'd get comfy again and I would get confirmation that we were right to end things after all. In a twisted way, I'd like to do that just so I can concrete that knowledge to make things easier to get over. I'm doing well but it's like there's a ghost of where he should be as I still expect him to be there, sort of. I miss having him/someone there. Seeing him for dinner those two times has been nice. It feels like nothing has changed and it feels normal as we hadn't been a couple in ages. I miss being a couple with him. I miss holding hands and being intimate. Thinking about that gets me looking forward to meeting my forever guy and having that first kiss with him. That will be magical.

I'm going to ask for more night shifts at work once Alison is back. Hopefully then I'll be able to save more money until I can get another job once things pick up after Winter. Things are slowing down and I probably won't get another job anywhere until September, like Dymocks said. That's okay I suppose. It will have to be. I will try and sell my button earrings once I'm all set and ready to go so hopefully that will get me more money to save. I want to save as much as I can! It's always hard getting started but I know I can do it.

Gym, career and buttons

I went by Zap today to potentially join but they have all of these extra fees before you even start. It's $23 a fortnight, as I knew, but it costs $60 for the key card to get in and out, something about paying for the last 4 weeks or for the 4 weeks coming, and for paying for half the week or whatever. So I'm not sure I'll be joining any time soon. Mum is going to check out the prices for her gym, the one in the Hospital where she works, and see if it'll be as cheap for me to join as it was for her. I can go walking up the hill near home and do the spin class I found in a magazine and even sign up for yoga at the Lotus Centre. I'll do a walk tomorrow. I don't need to go to the gym unless there is a class there. I love classes.

I was thinking about my ideal job today and it struck me later in the day that it's perfect as I'm not great with writing and getting good marks at school as you can probably tell from this sentence. It will also coincide with my desire to travel the world. I want to be one of those volunteers who goes to places and builds things for communities but I want to be paid for it, so maybe I can be in a higher position with the company that organises those things. I would get to travel and see other cultures and do something productive and positive and not have to do too much writing, hopefully. I think it would be great. Just have to figure out how to get into that kind of job.

Today I did some more on my Buttons to Cover journal book and ordered the fabric. I can't wait to get more fabric to start making these earrings. I have two lots of the wrong earring backs [they are 6mm instead of 8mm] so I might have to re-sell them on eBay. I'm also waiting for some rings and have found some generic white buttons but will test some similar sized ones out before I buy. With the 12mm buttons, I'll get either an 11mm or 10mm button depending on how much room needs to be left. 11mm might fit the best but I don't know if such a button exists. Mum has some odd buttons around the place so I might test it out with that. I got some super glue from Office Works the other day so hopefully that will keep it all together. There are 11mm buttons out there so it all depends which of the two is the better fit. I want to make the bracelet soon too and hopefully start selling! Yay!

Give me a job on a cruise ship please

I have just started my application for a job on a cruise ship! I thought of it in bed this morning and I am in the initial stages. I have successfully submitted my application, where they asked for my personal details and details of my last 3 jobs. Now they are going to review what I wrote against the job I'm applying for [waitress] and they will do that by cross referencing to my resume when they tell me to send that to them. If I'm successful with that they will organise an interview with my over the phone! I hope I can get a job on a cruise ship. I'd earn a heap of money and would probably not have time to spend it so I would be saving and having an adventure at the same time! I've had a lot of experience in hospitality. I have my RSA, the Certificate 2 in Hospitality Operations, and have worked in the restaurant for 1.5 years and at the Grand Chancellor in banquets for 7 months. I have some great experience from those jobs as well as smaller cafes and know I could do the job well. Fingers crossed.

Gone to Neverland

I need some antihistamine. I'll have to get some tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm visiting Holly at 'The Market' again and she's going to point me in the direction of a stall to see how they do things, something to do with my hope to make a shop for my covered button earrings.

Monday I'm going to get my gym on. As of yesterday I have started my better-skin plan using the prescribed lotion for my skin from the doctor. I need to brush my teeth more. I need to have an apple a day [which is apparently good for your skin] and aim for 8 cups of water. I should get a huge bottle and aim to drink that twice or something. Yorick had this fantastically huge bottle that was good for that. He was always good at drinking 8 cups whereas I'm not. Apparently 8 cups is what you lose in 24 hours. I've been reading my Cosmopolitan Health magazine and am loving it. I wanna be healthy!

Today I made my first lot of covered buttons. I can't believe how easy they are to make. Now I just need buttons to shove in the back [I'll stop by Spotlight to get lots of the right ones tomorrow maybe!] and then glue the earring backs on. Sara and I were talking at work tonight and she has a friend who might be able to design me a logo and artwork for my shop/line/business. I hope so. Otherwise I can take a photo myself. I'm just looking through some picture on Google Images to see what's out there and what I like. I want a pretty and magical forest scene. Hopefully I'll find something.

Sigh

I am a little sad this afternoon about Yorick and how he's not that man in my life anymore. I miss having one of those. I know I'll get it back again one day and he'll be the one to marry. That's what I'm aiming for. This had better be the last time I'm single. I'm fed up with it already.

I got this Cosmopolotan Fitness magazine today and it's getting me inspired to get fit and stick with it. There are some very spot on parts where people have the same personality traits as me, aka laziness, and they suggest what to do in terms of fitness about that. For people like me they reccomend 30 minutes of brisk walking 3 times a week. I think I can do that. Apparently it's better on the treadmill than on a road, 60% better actually. A less hard surface? I wish I had a beach near by as that would be my surface to run on. One day. They also suggest Yoga once a week. I'd love to do that. I will see if Zap has any Yoga classes and if not I'll go back to the Lotus Centre above Babylon. I liked it there. It's more money though. I'd love to work with a personal trainer for a session and see if that's something I want to continue on with. I want to see some real results.

I'm working tonight and tomorrow night and Sunday night. My weekly work fix. I think tomorrow morning I might go watch James' soccer match with mum and dad and if not then I'll spend the day doing not much, as per usual. I have gotten some material to cover buttons with so I am excited about that. I need to ask Lolly Chops about glueing parts and if that's something she missed out in her tutorial. I could get started tomorrow then! I went to Spotlight and got one fat quarter. They had lots there but were all patterened and I just want solid colours to start with. The one I got today is black and white stripped, not too harsh, but something simple. I've seen polka dots but not stripes so far. Niche. Looking through the fabrics was hard. They didn't have the range of colours I wanted so I might have to get them off Etsy like I found. They are tye-dyed so the colouring is a bit splotchy but that might just be something unique to the table with many other covered button suppliers. They also have a huge range of colours and that's just what I want. I'll do a little more research and if I can't find anything else I'll get them.

I am watching so many TV seasons at the moment:
One Tree Hill 7
The Vampire Diaries 1
Lost 6
Will & Grace 4
Gilmore Girls 1
They are all on the go as the top 3 are to be watched via the internet and I don't often do it [well I try to be good about it] because of the limit on the internet. It's also not in a comfy spot so it's best to do one at a time.

I went to the doctor today and my ears are fixed. I can hear now! I was so excited. It was a strange procedure. The nurse used this machine to put pressured water into my ear and all this yucky stuff came out into this metal dish. It worked though. She did both ears, which was great, and now I am all better. I also talked to the doctor about my pimples and he has prescribed me this cream to use nightly and once I wash it off in the morning I have to put on a suntan lotion as it makes me more suceptible to burning. I will ask mum if we have any of that. It will take a few months for me to see results but I'm excited about getting my skin fixed.

Sarah might not be able to save enough for this time next year to be able to come then to the UK. I might have to go by myself for the first part, which means I can do all the touristy things that she might not be interested in. I'm excited about it. I want to make at least $10,000 but I will see how that goes. For ages now I haven't had much money so in the last few weeks when I've put money away into my other accounts I've forgotten about it as I'm used to having nothing. Hopefully that feeling lasts for a while so I can save. I need another job though! Badly. I need more money. Arrr. Tax will help a lot to get me started, but then again I want a new phone and before I leave I want to get the Canon 400D camera to take with me. Got to get a new job.

Seeing Katie from Skunkboy Creatures' new tattoo makes me want one. I'm going to get my surname on my inner left wrist at some point before I leave for the UK but seeing pretty ones like hers in unusual [to me] places makes me want the same. Not the same design but something pretty and feminine and larger. I might regret that though. I'm sure about the surname thing, and once I test them out by sticking the cut-out fonts onto my arm I will know that it's definitely right. It can be hidden.

It's Winter and officially freezing. I have to start wearing more clothes. I don't like my legs in pants so that's why I wear skirts all the time. They look good on me, especially with black stockings and my black ugg boots. That's all I wear these days. I'm comfortable in that so why not? I might go watch one of my many TV series soon and relax before work.

A new gym that will Zap me into shape

I'm going to join Zap Fitness [wwww.zapfitness.com.au]. It's in Kingston, which is 15 minutes away, and it never closes! It's perfect! Sophie lives 10 minutes away so we'll probably meet there often. It's $11.95 a week, which is better than Endorphin, which was $18 a week, so I think that is very doable. And there's no contracts, so I assume that means you can join up and start paying weekly. I hope so! I'll try and go there starting on Monday once I've worked on the weekend. I like having things start neatly and that's why I always put things like this off for another time. I'm going to do this though. It's time I kicked my butt into shape. I'd love to have a personal trainer for a session or two a week. That would be great.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctors in the morning. I need to go to Spotlight and Ruby's Room for sewing supplies. I should take some more resume's around if I can and do some Woolworths shopping on the way home before work. I think I'm meeting Jessi once I've finished in town for hot chippes! I need to get that straightner. I just know when I wash it tomorrow it'll go back to being yucky. Damn that.

My ideal guy

I want someone who will like coming to family dinners.
Someone with a family I will get on with greatly.
Someone who I have fantastic sex with each time.
Someone who is taller than me.
Someone who looks like Paul Wesley.
Someone who is ready to start a family with me.
Someone like me who is happy to have quiet nights at home with me.

As such, I am proposing, or challening, myself to only kiss a guy if I have known him for a while and can see a real future with and not to have sex until I am thinner and actually feel good about my body. I want both of these things. I'm going to look up the new Kingston gym and look at memberships and personal trainters. I want to be thin, damn it!

Feeling French

I have an appointment at the Uni Doctors tomorrow morning at 930 to fix my blocked ear problem. I am so thrilled that I will be able to hear again. I just have to keep putting drops in tonight and in the morning before I go. I will also ask about the pill to get rid of bad skin. I hope they can help me.

I got more buttons to cover in the mail today. I now have 100 of size 20 and 105 of size 24. That will be enough to keep me going for a while. Hopefully I can sell them all. I found some nice fabrics on Etsy but Holly said I should check out Spotlight in this particular part as she thinks I'll find all that I need there. I want a range of colours in a range of tones, as in softer pastels and brighter hues, so I will check that out tomorrow after my appointment.

I'm getting Holly to have a look at my font list for my surname for my tattoo and see what she thinks. They are all slightly different and that's where I'm getting stuck. I might have to print the list out and sticky-tape each one to my arm to see which I like best. It has to be the right side before I book an appointment. I need to get a quote first and save a little money.

Sarah straightened my hair yesterday and it was awesome. She has a GHD straightner, the one professionals use, and I need to get one. I can finally wear my hair out. I've always wanted to but we both have thick, boofy hair that doesn't work well so I'm very pleased about this new development. I want that straightner!

Also tomorrow I'm going to go to my favourite kid's store [Ruby's Room] and find some more sewing boxes. They aren't officially for that use but they have cute suitcases that I am using one for my sewing box. I'd like to have one for both covered button sizes. I am totally into aesthetics so when there's something pretty to put things in it gets me even more excited about what I'm doing. It works a treat to motivate myself to acomplishing things. I am loving my workbook for all my ideas to do with this topic, as suggested by Holly. It's nice having that and it makes me happy. She said that kind of thing makes her happy too.

I am wearing my new top today. It's a long-sleeved black and white striped top with some sequins and beads in the shape of shoulder pads on the outside. It's cute and it makes me feel French with my straightened hair. It's a nice feeling.

Something of my very own

My blocked ear won't go away and it is particularly bad today. I can't hear much out of it [the right one] and it's annoying me like crazy. It's been funny for maybe 5 days now, mostly at night and in the morning when I'm in bed. I can usually maneuver it to clear it but today it's not working. I've been putting ear drops in but it's still blocked. I'm mad about it.

In good news, my size 20 [12mm] buttons to cover arrived in the mail today from Etsy. I'm so happy. Holly suggested I source my fabric from there as well but it's so hard to find one-colour fabrics and I don't know what the fabric I like is called. I might have to ask for more help there. I also need to get some glue and then I can start making these earrings. I was at Holly's yesterday and she said I should write all of my ideas down in a notebook to keep and look back on when I get lost in my crafting. I have the perfect book. I got it to make a manga in but that will never happen. I spoke before about levels of creativity and how putting these buttons together is way different than creating my own manga. The latter is too hard for me as I'm not that creative. I know I can do the former though. I'm excited about it. The size 24 [15mm] buttons should arive by Friday.

Holly cut my hair yesterday. It's fine. I generally don't like my hair as it's too thick and never sits right. I tried to straighen it last night but it wasn't working for me. I needed to spend heaps more time standing there straightning away but didn't. I'm glad I have my fringe back though. It's a really short one but it'll grow and it's not getting in my way anymore. I'm pleased about that.

I might go and get that book so I can start gathering pictures of the covering buttons process from the internet and recording my ideas down. I didn't even think to do something like this! I can put fabric pieces in there too! I'm so glad I have this now.

I gave blood yesterday. My arm is doing good. It hurts more where they prick your finger to test iron levels aka hemoglobin. I like feeling like an invilid after I've given blood. I feel special. It's a nice feeling.

I had a dream about Dom a few nights ago. We were always standing very close together, touching arms, but we never kissed. I knew it wouldn't be right because I'd just want to kiss him to see how it felt because I like him a little. He has a girlfriend and I'm not about to muck that up. If that happened to me with Yorick I would be so mad. When we talk we're always smiling so it makes me think it's something more even though I know it won't be. He's not the guy I see myself with, looks-wise, and I think he's a bit younger so that's another cross. I think he's a great guy. In my dream I knew we couldn't kiss. I have fantasised about it a little but I know it's wrong. It makes me think about how much I want to have that first kiss with someone special sometime in the future, hopefully in the UK. I want to get to know him and feel that spark and energy and then the first kiss will happen. It'll be magical. I can't wait for that. In the mean time I will craft.