Freycinet or Cradle Mountain?

I'm currently applying for a position with the "Federal Group" in Tasmania. There are positions at the Freycinet Lodge and Freycinet Saffire, and the Cradle Mountain Chateau that I'm interested in and it's a position that I would move away from home work, to live wherever I get a position and work full-time to save as much money as I can for the UK and beyond. I'm still working on the application but it's already so exciting.

I went to James and Georgie's for a visit today with mum and we met Nanna and Pa there also, the great-grandparents to Etta Joy O'Regan. She's such a beautiful and well-tempered baby. Simply gorgeous. I can't wait for my own to really know what having a baby is like. I have visited her 4 times now. I like holding her. Her cheeks are less puffy. Aww. After that we went to lunch at my work. Mum and I shared the "special" pizza, the pizza from the specials board, and it was so nice. Pesto with chicken, ricotta, avocado and red onion. So delicious and filling. I'm back there tonight to work. It'll be good to get some money coming in and to do something with my time. I have to tell Alison I'm applying for this job and say that the might call her as she is one of my referees. I hope I get this job. I think it'll be great. Only time will tell. The applications don't close for a few weeks but that's okay. I shall wait.

What's on my mind

I think about moving to Sydney a lot, about the Uni course I'll be doing, about the new city to explore, about the new job I'll need to get and all the friends I'll meet through work and Uni, and about how I'll have to find a place to live and set myself up afresh. I'm excited about and confident that I'll be able to survive on my own. It'll be my thing. I'm not following anyone. I can't wait to be in a good share-house, to decorate my new room. Once back from the UK I'll have to save heaps of money for bond and a bed and draws and stuff. The weather will be nice and I know I'll love the Uni I'll be going to and the course. I will miss my family and I'll miss getting to see Etta grow up but I will make sure I save enough to get back home every few months. I'll have to get Skype so I can not only hear people on the phone but see them. I'll have to get my laptop fixed. I might have to get a new one as mine's pretty bad. I'd like a new one, all pretty and light weight. I might even get a smaller computer bag. We shall see. I shouldn't get too carried away.

Last night I went to James' Snert gig with Sarah and her house-mate Nicole. It was really fun. Sarah and I danced for most of it and got a bit sweaty. Before that we had drinks at their house and had Cool Thai for dinner and watched Skins 1. It was a great night. I felt free. I'm liking feeling free. Yorick said he'd go on Facebook but he didn't show. I wonder why. I didn't want him to be there but I also did want him to be there so I could show him how okay I am. It's not about him, it's about me wanting to feel superior. I don't miss him. I miss the lifestyle and the company but I know there's something 10 times better out there waiting for me. I can feel it and I believe I'll be lucky enough to get it. I will. I just have to be patient and I will be. I'm not going to go and kiss random people. I'm going to save myself for my future husband and it'll be worth it. I hope he finds me before I meet someone who I think is the one but isn't after closer examination. I have to go with the flow and be open to all possibilities.

I can't wait till I go to Sydney next year to enroll and start learning the layout of the city. It'll be a great trip. I want to go this year but shouldn't. It's a little too eager to go now when the course is 2 years away. I have to get a job in the next few months so I can start saving for the UK. I'll be getting $500 tax back so I'll put all of that away and then it'll be easy to keep adding to it and watch the number go up and up. I have $100 in cash from my work tips so I'm already doing great! That's half a plane flight.

I went to the doctors yesterday and was prescribed the Pill to help control my unusual acne. It's been around for 6 months and won't go away. I had fine skin before with only the occasional pimple but now it's horrible. The last time it wasn't so nice was in high school! It's strange that my skin is so bad now. Why is it? I think it might be hormonal. I got the generic version of the Diane Pill for $10 so I'll see how it goes for this first month. The chemist suggested I book another doctors appointment before the first month's worth of pills is up but my doctor gave me 3 lots of 3 month repeats if it goes well and my body doesn't reject the Pill. I hope it works. If it doesn't I'll have to try topical lotions instead. I hope the Pill doesn't give me periods. I have been so happy not having them but I'm not sure it's worth having shitty skin. I'll want nice skin even if I have to pay for it with some periods. I'm meant to have them anyway. Implanon stops it, that's all. I really hope my skin clears up. It's embarrassing and make me feel shit. I don't want to feel like crap anymore.

I need to find a job soon so I can start working full-time and save almost all of the money I earn. Maybe I should go back to Dymocks and give them my resume again. I'm getting really bored, especially these last few days since I've been getting better, and staying in bed all day and watching TV shows is starting to feel like a waste of time again. I need to start my exercise regime. That will get me feeling productive. I need to start reading more too. That doesn't feel like a waste of time. Tonight I'll try to go to sleep earlier than usual. Tomorrow I'll go to visit James and George and Etta with mum and meet Nanna and Pa there. Oh little Etta. She's such a cutie.

Organic Veganism

I'm considering trying out being an organic vegan. I'm watching True Blood at the moment and one of the characters on there is an organic vegan. I've always thought I should look after my body better and by being careful about what I eat is a great way to start, plus it will probably help me lose some weight and get me feeling better about myself. My body should be my temple. I should treat it with respect as it's the only one I have. I want to get into the philosophy of being a vegan and really embrace it. I probably won't be completely vegan as I like eating fish and chicken, so maybe I'll be an organic vegetarian if that's in any way similar. I'll start off slowly.

I'll give up fast food, biscuits and cakes, and aim to eat more fruit to begin with. I had KFC last week and my body felt horrible afterwards. I haven't really eaten much of that food in ages so I really noticed it. I think my favourite meal at Cool Thai is very healthy and comes under the suggested pad thai. It's a vegetable stir fry and so delicious. It feels healthy. I need to start eating organic fruits, vegies, whole grains and natural foods. I've just found this website that says to "forget about meat, fish, dairy, eggs, sugar, artificial sweeteners, refined flour, caffeine, diet sodas, and anything that contains chemicals that you can't pronounce." I'll cut out fizzy drinks as they make your digestion noisy [I've done this for a while already and only have some at work but it'll be easy to give up] but I like drinking tea. I won't have big breakfasts, not that I do anyway, but am now wondering if I can have my yogurt. Probably not as that counts as dairy. It makes me feel healthy so I'll keep having my yogurt with banana and cups of tea and meat but I'll try and be vegan everywhere else.

Foods to cut out --

x. Eggs

x. Dairy

x. Fizzy drinks

x. Sugar

x. Artificial sweeteners

x. Fast foods

Foods to focus on --

x. Organic fruits and vegies

x. Soy products and beans

x. Organic canola/olive/sesame oils

x. Whole-grain cereals [my Sanitarium Light 'n' Tasty cereal] and bread, whole-wheat pasta, vegetable pasta, tortillas, brown rice, barley, potatoes, and sweet potatoes

x. Organic corn chips and Veggie Stix shoestring potato sticks

'Dieters are advised to wait to eat until they're nearly ravenous, to get used to the feeling of an empty stomach. They're also told to understand that "headaches, nausea, and hunger are a result of your body's cleaning itself."'

I want a cleansed body! I want to feel healthy. Once I'm completely over this cold I'm going to get into my exercise regime and try to make sure it sticks. I want to be healthy and I made a pact with myself not to be with anyone until I'm happy in my own skin and at the moment I'm not. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow with my childhood doctor who moved from Margate to Snug a few years back and hopefully he can help me with my skin acne problem. It's persisted for a while now and it's getting me down. I have been using this alcohol gel each night for 1.5 months but nothing has changed. I went to another doctor and he prescribed me that but I want to see changes. I might have to switch from Implanon to the Pill.

I'm going to try and get the book the article was kind of based on. It's called "A Harvest of Healing Foods: Recipes and Remedies for the Mind, Body and Soul" by C. McFadden and K. Zelman. I need to get used to hunger feelings to shrink my tummy a bit so I eat less. Not so much food! I can do this. I'll feel so much better because of it.

I might need to go to a health food shop to get some of this stuff. I want to try the organic corn chips and Veggie Stix shoestring potato sticks. They sound intriguing! I've already bought more fruit. I'll start that tomorrow. No junk food or fizzy drinks are the place to start. This will be a fun adventure.

Graduation

I'm going to be graduating from the University of Tasmania on Saturday the 21st of August this year for my Bachelor of Arts and today I got 3 tickets for my friends Andi, Jessi and Sophie. I'll be getting 3 tickets automatically for my mum, dad and sister when I pick up my gown and hat on the day. It's going to be such a great experience and I'll get a certificate and get to have pictures of me in the hat and gown with my family. James and George are going to meet us after the ceremony for some pictures. Hopefully I'll be able to get people to have some drinks with me afterwards.

I'm going to go and get a frame from Big W soon. When I went there to get a frame for something I printed out for baby Etta I saw this great black one with a gold strip and I want to get 4 of those, 1 for the Bachelor of Arts, and 3 for the museum studies courses I am planning to do at the University of Sydney in 2 years. I'll be doing 3 postgraduate courses -- the graduate certificate, graduate diploma and masters -- and mum and I assume I'll get a certificate for each so I may as well get the same frame now while they're only $10 each. Things might change but I'm hoping I get to do these courses and I would love for the certificates to be in the same frames so I may as well act now. I hope they have more there. I think there weren't enough there when I went by the other day. Fingers crossed.

This is going to be such a memorable experience. I'm excited about it. It's not that far away now. The pictures with family will be great, as well as doing the classic hand shake with the person in power wearing all the gear. I wonder what I'll wear under the gown. I might wear my black stockings with my converse shoes and a skirt underneath. Hmm. I might get my sister to curl my hair too. Might be nice. It's something to think about. It's definitely a nice way to commemorate having finished a degree at Uni.

Future plans

Mum and I had a great chat on Sunday night about my future plans. She left Tasmania when she was a bit younger than me because she was restless and wanted to start a family. That's what I am planning to do. I am hoping to be starting a family in 5 years and be married in 3-4 years. I hope I meet my ideal guy when I'm in the UK next year and if not then then I might meet him in Sydney. Maybe if I meet him in the UK things might go well there and I might want to stay. Or he might come back to Tassie with me then to Sydney. Mum said to be open to all possibilities and I shall. I'm so excited that I have Sydney to look forward to. It's my own thing and I want to see how I'll cope setting myself up in another state all by myself with no friends, unless I have my UK man by my side. I know what I want from life and I'm going to go out and get it. Next year I'll got to Sydney and check out the Uni and enroll. I think it'll be fantastic.

Baby Etta

My brother and his wife had their first child yesterday at 419am. I can't believe it. It's still so surreal but they are going to be fantastic parents and already are. James is so cute towards their little girl, Etta Joy O'Regan. He calls her 'kiddo' and I love seeing him like that. He has a daughter. It's so insane. I can't comprehend it. I love that they have a family though. I'm jealous. I want my own little family. I have to find my future husband first though, then settle down and have kids and a great house with French doors and balconies. I also need to get my Masters in Museum Studies and become a Museum Curator. I wonder how that will all go. I've been sick for a week now and it's not so fun. I will head to bed soon and watch lots of TV then try to get an early night. I'm bad with my sleeping patterns. I go to my bedroom and watch lots of episodes of a TV series then end up turning it off by 1am. I need to go to bed earlier. It's hard though. Going to be used to be fun as I had Yorick next to me but not anymore. I don't want him as such, just my future husband to spend my life with. I miss the company sometimes but not hugely. I'm doing fine.

Sydney and the UK

Last night mum mentioned that Sarah and I should go to the UK for a planned amount of time, 3 months for example, so then we have a taster, get to see the family, and I can come back and earn money for my move to Sydney. After 2.5 years of study and probably a year of working then I can go back to the UK and stay for longer whilst working in a better paid job. The only thing is that I've hoped for many years now that I would get married between the ages of 25 and 27 and start having kids at 27/28. I also hope that I'll marry someone from the UK and/or Ireland as I love their accents, my family lives there, and I want to have a similar surname [similar as in from those countries. Mine is O'Regan which is English/Irish in origin]. I shouldn't plan to heavily on this as it might not happen until I go back after Sydney unless I meet someone with such a background over there. I don't want to be too old and have too much of an age gap between me and my parents. I want to be closer in age like the Gilmore Girls are but not that close. I don't want to be too much of an adult, someone who can't connect on their level. I'll find someone great and it'll happen when it's meant to. I don't want to waste time with someone I won't marry and have kids with.

Now, talking about Sydney reminds me I haven't quite explained what I'm on about. I want to do Museum Studies there, first the Graduate Certificate, then the Graduate Diploma, and then finally the Masters in Museum Studies if I'm smart enough and if it's necessary. I'm really quite excited about it, about the course, about moving to Sydney. I think it'll be great. It's away from home, an adventure, but it's no in Melbourne as that's where everyone goes to. It's somewhere different, my own thing, and I think it'll be great. Sometime this year I'll go over and check out the campus, talk to some staff about the course and maybe what books to start reading, so I'll be ready when I get there in 2012. It's a long way away but next year I still want to go to the UK. I was dreaming/thinking last night about when I go over to Sydney to check things out that I won't really know where to go or where to eat or stay or how to get to my destinations so I'll pick up the Lonely Planet Sydney book which will help me with the sights, restaurants, places to stay and maps. It'll be perfect. I've been there twice before but don't remember where the mall is or the center of things. I remember the Quay and going on the ferry but that's about it. The flights are fairly cheap and it's not too far from home and I know mum and dad will visit on a few occasions. I'll definitely get home sick but I know I'll end up loving it. I'll have to make new friends and get a part time job there to sustain myself. Once I get back from the UK I'll save up lots of money for bond and house stuff, like a mattress. Hopefully I can go out with Tim [a guy who used to work at my work] and some of his friends so I can make some more friends, then friends through work and through the course and house mates. I'll have to do a share house but it'll be cool. Cheaper rent and I'll be one of those people who catches trams and trains to Uni and work! It'll be awesome.

I hope things work out close to how I want them on the man/kids front. I'm a little worried that spending 3 years in Sydney will keep me away from my ideal guy but then again I might meet him when I go over there next year and he might come with me. I hope.

I want to be a Museum Curator

I'm feeling sick today. I worked a lot over the weekend, doing 19 hours all up [which is unusual for me these days but great as I don't have any other income], but am feeling the effects of it today. I couldn't get out of bed until I made myself at 1215 today. I was planning to go to the gym but I seem to have misplaced my shoes and pants that I workout in. They could be in the gym somewhere as I might have left them in my locker, but I can't quite remember what I did with them. I will go by there tomorrow and suss the situation out. I want to go for a walk again today. I went on Saturday and it was great. I walked to telegraph pole 94A and jogged half of the way down. I'm going to try and do that most days each week.

In other news, I have decided I want to be a Museum Curator. I will do the Graduate Certificate in Museum Studies and follow that with the diploma and the masters if it all works out. It's nice having this to think about. I was looking over internet sites on Saturday and there was an interview with someone in this job and she said to do an internship or volunteer so you can see all the different areas. If I don't come back from the UK for a few years then I'll do the course over there. How great to go to a University in the UK! They will have better museums to work in anyway. It will be fabulous. If I come back earlier I will go to Melbourne probably. The Sydney Uni looks so wonderful that I'd rather go there but Melbourne is closer to home. I know three people in Melbourne, and only one in Sydney [Tim from thebeach who I'm not that close with], but it would be nice to have an adventure to somewhere new. It also might be best if I go somewhere where I know people. Making new friends can be hard. Doing in the UK might be preferable. I'd love to stay for ages and really get to know the country and spend time with my family. Hopefully I find my husband over there and have even more reason to stay. I should look up UK Museum Studies courses today.

The course in Sydney looks great. The website is so detailed and it sounds perfect. They have mandatory internships and everything is set out so well. I should look at the Melbourne courses though. After a bit of research, UK Universities need students to have done Honours [in the case of one University at least] so I suspect the bar will be higher. Australia has good programs so I will be fine studying here. I don't think Melbourne would get me a Masters degree if I wanted though, so it might have to be Sydney! I have lots of time to think it over though. I'll find other options as well to peruse.

Yorick and I will be having lunch sometime this week or next I think. I want to talk to him about how I don't like that things are weird between us, how things are so different, and stuff to do with not being able to talk to each other about what we're feeling. That is reserved for our friends. Why is that? I just want to be open with him and see where that gets us. I don't like the weirdness.

I'm going to try and go for a walk today as I didn't make it to the gym. Sarah is coming down and we'll watch a movie. James and George will be here for dinner too. I can't wait till the baby arrives!

The happy haps

What's news with me? My crazy friend Emma and I went out for drinks last night to Onba as per usual. We started off with one drink there, then had dinner at Cool Thai whilst reading our magazines, then went back to Onba and apparently had another 4 drinks. I forgot about one of them and we were quite drunk at the end. We talked about seeing a movie and finally went down to the city cinemas and saw Knight and Day because Inception wasn't on. Something about a mismatch between the internet session times and what was actually showing. I was fairly drunk so it didn't matter what we saw. It was an okay movie. We had an ice cream each and laughed a lot in the beginning, probably because we were meant to be behaving in a socially acceptable manner and found that hard, but were kind of sad about not having popcorn as they didn't have any. It was probably for the best though. We talked about so many things. I love our evenings there together. They are so fun.

I've gained a bit of weight and I hate it. I'm 65kg and it's awful. I want to be 55kg so I have to stop snacking and eat less and do more exercise. I hate it hate it hate it. Arr.

Lunch with Jeremy

I had lunch with Jeremy today. It was nice, not awkward at all, although sometimes we had some gaps in the conversations. Overall I enjoyed myself. It's weird because I don't like him how I used to when we were together 6-7 years ago but it's nice having him as a friend. It's also weird because our lives are so different now and coming back together for this lunch made me realise that we're both a lot different from the people we were when we went out. It'd be so crazy if we were a couple again just because of the differences. That would never happen though but it's interesting to think about.

After lunch with Jeremy I went shopping. I bought the "Merlotte's Bar and Grill" t-shirt from True Blood, some $5 books, another book in Big W, a DVD [Remember Me with Robert Pattinson] and a skin-coloured bra to go under white tops. It felt good shopping again. I've been doing most of my shopping online of late so it was nice to go out there and get stuff. I also received some things in the mail. A DVD [I'm Reed Fish] and some things for my covered buttons. It's been a day for shopping! I'm waiting for a few more things in the mail too. 2 t-shirts from Threadless and another DVD [The Good Guy].

Slim please

I have been putting on weight since I moved home. I saw it today around my hips and have always noticed it on my belly. I'm scared. I want to be small. I was always the one size, not as small as I would have liked, but now it's coming to get me and I have to do something about it. After hot chocolates with Jessi in town I'll go to the gym. I might go for a walk here at home once I'm done with that and selling some old Uni books back to the Uni bookstore. I don't want to get fatter!

Covered buttons update

I've just ordered some more fabric from Karen at rubymountaindyeworks to extend my colour range for the covered buttons. The first picture is of the fabric I already have. When I went shopping with Holly on Thursday I bought some ribbon to make bracelets out of with the covered buttons. The ribbon suits the sky blue and the lime green [second on the left of the yellow] and I'll also be getting another fat eighth of those two colours. The leather sourcing didn't work out at one place but Holly said she'd try and find me some to be custom cut and if that doesn't work I'll have to go in another direction.

Cotton Candy colour wheel

This second lot of colours is much brighter and Holly suggested I get brighter colours for a better effect when I'm packaging my earrings together. We talked about having packs of 3 -- one pastel, one bright, and one of the black and cream striped fabric I have. I will use a lot of the black and cream and it was only $3 from Spotlight so I'll have to invest in some more. I still have heaps but I've been using a lot of it in both the 12mm and 15mm button sizes and as such I've had to order more of the buttons to cover. I have a lot of buttons to cover but when thinking about how many of each colour I will have to make including for the bracelets I feel like I don't have enough. Getting more will boost the levels for each colour and I'll be able to make more colour combo's. I already like the white, black and cream, and sky blue combo. That was an accidental one whilst working on the sky blue but it's a lovely combo. I just have to start working on the design so I can start packaging them once they're done, which will free up space [in one way but not another as they will be larger] and let me truly see my progress.

Jelly Beans colour wheel

Dad got me some off cuts from his friends [Phil and Tony] who frame pictures with some thick mat. I might be able to use them for the design and as the earring backing but they are rather thick and would need to be drilled in order for the earrings to fit in. I'm just not sure how that will turn out. I'll try it that way and with the thick paper Holly suggested and see which works better. The off cuts were free because they were too small or the wrong size to frame pictures with so I won't lose out that way. I also don't want to offend dad, which he probably wouldn't be. He's just trying to help, which I greatly appreciate.

I'm really enjoying working on the bracelet idea. I have one lovely blue ribbon from Store and two greens from Enwrapt, one of which is the same as the blue but differs in colour. The blue and the similar green will be best for the bigger sized buttons whilst the other green suits the smaller buttons. When I thought up the idea I only considered having the smaller buttons for bracelets but the wider ribbon chose the other size for me. I like them both and am excited to see how they will work once the leather part happens and if not the leather then maybe some nice felt like Holly sources. Softer might be better. I'll see how the leather goes first before giving up on that vision.

I love the idea that I'll be testing out some market stalls before the year is done. I think it's a great way to sell my products especially since it's all about the colours. I started off with the idea of having a rainbow of colours and then Holly mentioned packaging them in threes with the different colours and now I'm even more excited. I think I'll package them in single colours in each size, double packs of the same colour in each size and possibly in differing colours in the two sizes, and packs of three in differing colour schemes. I'll also have the bracelets so all in all I think my stall will be a riot of colours and colour schemes that I'll sell them well. I have some prices in mind and might even let my one day customers know that they can mix and match them if they want something different. This will be so much fun. I love creating them and selling them will be an amazing bonus. That will help pay for Europe! I am truly loving this creative journey of mine.

Vietnam?

On my walk with mum today we talked about the possibility of going to Vietnam and Cambodia before going to the UK. She and dad might even come with us for that part. I like the idea of getting lots of tailor made clothes for cheap. I really want to go there a lot for a few months at some stage in my life and travel all around, including Thailand and Laos. Those places fascinate me. Something to think about. It's nice bouncing ideas off of each other.

I've been thinking about Yorick a bit today. I miss our life together but keep reminding myself that we're not right for each other now, that I'll meet a better suited person for me in the UK, my future husband, and that he'll be the type that will want to start a family with me sooner rather than later. I believe it'll happen. So much is out there waiting for me. I miss the life Yorick and I made together. It was cutesy and loving but it had to end. I'm sad that it did but I'm not too sad as we're still being friends [need to talk to him about the changes to our relationship]. It's hard to deal with knowing that the lovely life we had together is gone. I also have to remember that it's still in my memories so it's not lost forever. Sigh.

Up for breakfast at 9am for fried potatoes with pappa [dad]. That will be nice. I'm trying to look up museum/art theory courses online but the site that guy recommended to me when I went into talk about my career path has changed and I don't know how to make it right. Arr. I'll try again tomorrow.

Holga magic on the iPhone

This Hipstamatic iPhone applications is making me re-think getting an iPhone. I hate the on-screen QWERTY keyboard, which is why I haven't gotten one or the HTC Desire, but applications like this and one for brushing your teeth make me reconsider. I might have to go over to the 'dark' side. Everyone has an iPhone. I don't want to be the same. I looked into BlackBerry phones but am not sure I'll like the operating system. Arr. I'll probably regret getting it because my messaging speed won't be as high or easy but I'll like the applications. I'll think on it some more.

Lunch and the timewarp

So I had my lunch with Yorick today. We were both late and bumped into each other at the ATM and in part it felt like we were us again. We walked together very close and I felt the energy that I used to feel with him and I missed how at times like this we would have held hands. Before lunch we went and put more money in my car then went to Bar Celona. We chatted about our news and ordered a chicken pizza and wedges. He mentioned he saw my sister but didn't find it weird at all. I said Sarah must have gotten her signals mixed then. He brought up that he felt weird seeing me at Maddy's party and I agreed. After a while we exhausted the conversation and I found it hard trying to find things to say. Before that my brother walked by so I went over and had a chat to him. Yorick came over as well and it was kinda like normal even though I knew the Yorick and I was not the same. Once back at our table we finished up, paid, then walked towards Zum. He stopped and we said stuff, then said bye and we hugged. I hugged for a little longer than he did but it instantly transported me back to the hugs we shared and how much I miss them. That made me really sad and I went and sat in my car and had a bit of a teary. After that, Holly and I went to her place, had a cup of tea and chats, then went shopping. I got new shampoo [Herbal Essences, sleek/silky], some ribbon from Store and Enwrapt, and hair dye. We talked a bit about the Yorick developments and how I didn't like that I felt like we couldn't talk properly as there was something between us. The relationship has changed but Holly and I talked about how it would be okay for me to mention this to Yorick. We were together for 4 years and 3 months [to be technical] so we should be able to talk about this stuff. It just all feels so weird. Having that physical contact made me realise what I miss and how much I miss it. Having the distance but the knowledge that we are still friends makes it easy to forget things and not focus too much on the feelings but this jolted me back. I don't like that we can't talk anymore. It's too surface, which is what he said was part of the reason we grew apart. It's scary that we don't have that connection anymore. Today shook me like Maddy's party shook him. It has saddened me but I just have to move on. I'll talk to him about it next time we hang out and hopefully we'll be able to be better, closer friends, if that's possible.

Who made up the rules?

Yorick and I are going to have lunch together tomorrow. My sister saw him at her work [the Casino] for a quiz night and she said that he seemed weird, like we all hate him or something. I want to tell him that's not the case. I want to tell him that I miss the life we had together. I hate how things are seen as either appropriate or inappropriate when discussing such things with ex partners. Who made these rules anyway? I want to say something to him but it's like we're not allowed to talk about how we feel but it's open for discussion when we're talking to friends separately. It's available for public discussion but not one-to-one with the persons involved. I've only seen him 3 times since we split up. It was really nice that he asked me to do something more than just have a meal. Maybe we can go for a walk around the docks. It was hard finding things to do with him in the end. I didn't feel that connection. I felt we had to make an effort and it was true. I like the fantasy that we'll end up together but I don't think he's right for me. He doesn't have the best genes to pass on and is a little too social for me [something I don't think will ever quieten down even if we had a family] so I don't see it working again. It would never be as great as we were in the beginning and that's what I miss. Watching Eclipse for the third time tonight made me really want to have another first kiss. I miss that, the anticipation and nervousness, and feeling so wonderful and new. I can't wait for that to happen. I don't want to be slutty and go around kissing just anyone just for a kiss. I want to find my future husband and make a solid base with him. I hope I find him somewhere on my UK and beyond travels.

I want to start eating less junk, aka biscuits, and try to eat more fruit. I do well with breakfast [homemade yogurt with a banana and a kiwi when it's ripe] and lunch [a healthy toasted sandwich] and dinner [something healthy provided by my parents] but it's the snacks that I do bad on. I eat too many biscuits at different stages of the day. I need cut that out and eat a piece of fruit instead, an apple or orange. I should get grapes and cantelope and have them on hand for times I'm convinced I'm hungry. I'm walking for about an hour 4 times a week and am trying to get to the gym as well for a few classes. Once I'm on holiday I'll drink more water, eat less, and be active thus sleeping better. My skin will improve and so will my life in all aspects. I can't wait to be on holiday. I also can't wait till my savings are getting higher and higher, which isn't happening now as I don't have a high income. I hope I get a job soon, either this office junior position or the bank job. I'll talk to Holly about it tomorrow when we're out shopping for buttons supplies after my lunch with Yorick. We'll probably also look at hair dyes for me. We talked about going lighter as I liked it the one time I did it but this morning when drying my hair I reconsidered. Maybe I should do darker again. I like my hair darker. I don't want to regret dying it lighter as well as cutting it shorter. Darker it is.

I want to buy some UK walks books. There's one for Britain, including Scotland and Wales, and one for Ireland. I like going to bookstores and looking at them first so I might do that at some stage tomorrow before buying them off the Book Depository for cheaper. That site has the best deals ever. I only learned about it when it was too late for my first Uni degree but later is better than never. I'll be so fit over there and the walks will be amazing as well as providing me with exercise.

The covered buttons are going well. I've been making more but will need to get more of the buttons to turn into covered buttons in a little while. I also need more fabric, brighter this time, and have to work on the design. I'll try to do it myself with the help of pictures I find on the internet and see if it's okay to use. Once I have the design I'll be able to place some earrings in it and see the finished products. I'll have to make a few sizes of the earring cards with the design on it, one for 3 pairs, one for 2 pairs and one for 1 pair. I'm so excited to be learning all about marketing from Holly. She knows so much and has been a great help already. I'm loving this journey.

Making plans

Today was a nice and full day. First I had lunch with Sophie at my work and we did a lot of talking about Yorick. She mentioned again how he's been missing me this week, probably because the novelty of his new life has worn off and that's all he has. Apparently he's loving his new living arrangements and doesn't go out drinking as much. He likes to stay up till 4am drinking with his house mates, something he knows I wouldn't enjoy. He knows what I know -- that we're not in the right place to be together and somehow I don't think we ever will be. We both want different things from a partner and that's okay. Sophie mentioned how he's been late to work a lot and on Saturday morning last week he had to have a few lines of E to get himself up and about. That's madness. I'm worried about that boy but as Holly mentioned and my mum and Sophie agree with, he's not my problem anymore and I should just let it go. I'm trying but I feel for him. I just want him to be healthy. I hope he quits. Sophie said he really wants to quit and I know he has it in him. He's quit before but has just let it creep back in until it's too late to stop it. I hope he finds purpose and meaning for his life. We're going for lunch on Thursday and it'll actually happen this week.

I wrote to him: "Hey you. Want to get together for lunch this week? Maybe Thursday? Or Wednesday even. Shame we missed each other at Cool Thai. Would have been funny to bump into each other there. Anyway I hope you're doing well xx"

He replied almost straight away, which was very nice of him: "Hey Thursday sounds great, I have the day off. Any ideas where to go? We could maybe hang out afterwards and do something too."

I'm really glad he wants to spend some quality time together but it seems a little weird that he wrote that. I replied mentioning Bar Celona and that maybe we could go for a walk afterwards or something and that we can confirm times on Wednesday. He didn't write back after that. I hate how he never has the last word. He does it a lot and it annoys me. He probably thinks the conversation doesn't need to be replied to as it would be a waste. I'll have to try and finalise my messages so, like my sister, it makes me feel better. We shall see. I really like that he's been missing me. I miss his company and that form of intimacy. I want to hug him and hang with him at home like we used to. That won't happen though. We're just no meant to be. He's totally messed up, which makes me sad, and what he wants to be doing is what he is, and that is drinking and being sociable. I'm not as into that as he is, and it's few and far between those events for me. We're not suited well. I keep thinking that once he's sorted himself out in a few years he might want me back but I'll [fingers crossed] have found someone that's better suited for me and wonder what to do. It probably won't happen and I'm flattering myself here a lot but I need to erase those thoughts and not plan on any such thing and life my life the way I want to. I won't wait for him ever again, I learned that lesson, and will endeavor to stop that from happening in future relationships. I want the next guy I'm with to be a contender for being the one to marry. I just hope he's out there, preferably in the UK, as sometimes I believe I belong there more so than here in Australia. We shall see. I miss him but then again I have lots going for me in my life where he doesn't so he's probably thinking he made a mistake in some ways but not others as we're not right for each other right now. We had a blast together when we were good but grew apart into a place where we're not compatible. If we were good again I might consider getting back with him but I doubt we'll ever get back to such a place. It's probably not our destiny. Ahh dear.

Guilt

Sophie wrote to me a little while ago about stuff that happened at Maddy's party and as such I wrote back. It's been a little while since she replied to my reply but I was happy to find out that Yorick is doing a lot worse than I am, which also makes me feel guilty. It's as if our roles have been switched, that I should feel worse and him better, but it's nice to be on this side for a change. Through this whole thing I have been coping easily and well and as such I feel strange because I feel I'm meant to feel a certain way. It still gets me.

Sophie saw him at his house last night and she said he said he's been missing me this week. She said it seems to be sinking in for him that it's over for us and that it threw him seeing me at the party probably because I was happy and sociable and having a great time and didn't seem at all depressed. I like that he's missing me and struggling more than I am but as I've mentioned that also makes me feel guilty. Holly said after I messaged her about this that "he probably thought [I] would lose it but [I've] shown [myself] to be made of stronger stuff." She mentioned that we always knew he would regret it and that it seems to be happening sooner rather than later. I suppose that's true. I'll make a solid plan with him this week to catch up.

I am actually sad that he's struggling with it all. I believe it's partly because he doesn't have much of substance in his life at the moment to look forward to or to be proud of. He needs to stop smoking and drinking so much and make something of his life. He's so smart and can get anywhere if he puts his mind to it. I know he'll be okay one day. I hate that we're not close anymore as I would love to have that again. I would love to comfort him and hug him and joke with him like we used to but it wouldn't be the same. If I show any affection now I'm afraid he might take that as me wanting him back or something. I'm fine with the way things are.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Sophie reassured me that he hasn't slept with anyone and she insisted that she believe he wouldn't have cheated on me so that's nice to hear. I see him kissing that girl as helping him deal with things as that's how I expect boys to cope. I was a bit sad to hear about it, naturally. Sometimes I think of us kissing again or at least hugging. I loved our cute bits and miss them a lot. Life is strange without him but I don't have constant reminders to pull me back from progress. I'm getting through it.

Buttons update

I went to Holly's this afternoon and we had lengthy chats about how to present my button earrings and what to make as a label. I now have so many things to consider but it's good. Once I have my design I'll be able to put the earrings on the cards and have them ready to sell one day when I'm ready for a market. I'll have a woodland theme for my earring cards in a few different sizes most likely, one for one set of earrings, one for 3 pairs, and a larger one for 3 pairs as I have the two different earring sizes. She suggested I make a separate tag for my bracelets but I can't picture that as yet. She makes her cards from thick, textured paper and prints her design onto them. I'll be doing something similar, using a 220gsm thickness and she mentioned getting the design made into an ink stamp so I can just reproduce it like that. That would be something extra fun! I also need to get the brighter colours in the fabrics I got so I can have colour sets, single pairs, and different sets like a pastel, a bold and a stripy or something similar. The packaging will sell it. I believe that's very true. Packaging makes me buy a lot of things and if I like what I make I know others will too. I'm picky and I think that's a good thing. For the design, Holly and Ruben said it should be in black and white as to not overpower the earrings themselves, to make it less of a colour-overload, but I can make one in colour for the pricing list for example. I can do that with water colours, Holly mentioned. There's so much to think about. We'll go shopping this week sometime to get these supplies and to get me some hair colours so she can dye my hair lighter with nice tones. Once I have this design sorted I'll feel like it's all coming together, and it will be. I like that it's going slow so I can savor it and make sure it's all working and that kind of thing. I'm loving this.

Men

I watched Made of Honour tonight on TV and I loved the bit where they all go to Scotland. One of the main characters finds a man there and that's what I want to do. I want to find my future husband there. There are so many things I want to do in my life, like live in New Zealand for a while, and I just hope that if I find a UK husband that it'll all work out. I fantasize about it a lot and wonder where we would get married -- here or there, or two weddings -- and where we would live -- again here or there -- and I just hope if I find him there that it will all work out. I had an interesting thought and maybe a little inappropriate to do with Yorick, that he would come to the UK and find me and ask for me back. Pfft. Seef. He might go and have lots of flings but I'll shove that right in his face when I find my husband. I'm better than he is. He's so messed up and has always had that in him. I will do way better than him. Sometimes, like tonight, I miss our New Zealand and Vanuatu trips together. I loved those places so much and liked how they went with him as my companion. That's my kind of holiday, having someone who wants to do all the same things as I do and have thoughts about what else to do. I liked that a lot. I miss those places more than I miss him. I do miss what we had there though. Whenever I think of us it's when we were on holiday. It's that I remember the most. Sure I remember being at home sometimes but it's mostly in those last few weeks, when we were putting things in boxes and weren't really talking. That's all I have in my mind. I suppose that will help me get through things. I'm fine about it all, really, it's just sometimes I miss particular things. I don't like who he is so that makes it easy. Hmm.

Second Yorick rant

I hate it how Yorick will write something on a Facebook status of mine and I'll write back but he won't write again. It's the same with my email about why we broke up. I wrote back and he didn't. It's as if he wants people to see he's being nice, including me, but doesn't want to show he's being too nice as if I'll want him back. I don't! He's not right for me. It was so easy, the ending, and it makes me realise we weren't meant to be. I just wish he understood that I don't want him back, especially if he replies to something I said.

Eclipse was alright. I felt like the acting was a bit too scripted, like they were just saying the lines. I did like it though, and I'm sure once I watch it again after I watch the first two movies I'll like it even more. I wonder how the fourth will go?

Yorick rant and tattoo news

I'm pissed off that Yorick didn't invite me to his party the night after Maddy's party. I wouldn't have gone in a million years but it has offended me that he didn't ask, even just to be polite. That would have been nice. I know he didn't because we're not together anymore but he still should have invited me. It's the polite thing to do. Yorick rant over.

I'm going to see Eclipse tonight with Jessi and her friend Amy. I can't wait! It'll be awesome. I have to get more button supplies first and also want to go for a walk. I haven't been to the gym this week but will try to get to a class on Monday and Tuesday. It's just so far away, and when I am in town I don't feel like getting all sweaty. It has been nice going with walks with mum and dad [separately] and I might go by myself today and listen to some music. Dad and I did this different walk. We drove further up the road and walked up where the 4 wheel drivers drive and it had a nice view, a bit obscured but nice. It was a lot steeper, muddier and rockier than the regular walk but nice for a change. I'll have to do it again one day. I'll go for a walk for 45 minutes or something, shower, watch the end of Hung that I recorded, maybe the first of 7 episodes of Little Dorrit that was also recorded, then I can head to town for button supplies then to the Glenorchy movies for a bit before 6pm. I hope there's enough time.

In tattoo news, I printed out the samples I have and found the perfect size, length and width that I like. I have it in a font I found on the internet at Da Font but want to try out the other fonts in the same measurements so see which one is perfect. I want to give blood a few more times before I get this tattoo [which gives me even more time to get used to it] because once you get a new tattoo you have to wait a year before giving blood in case there was an infection. Also, I'm going to be in the UK for a while and they might not let me give blood once I've been somewhere for more than 6 weeks or something. I have a rare blood type too [AB+] so I want to give as much as I can before I possibly can't anymore. It's nice getting my tattoo prepared though. I also kind of want another one, a cool cartoon picture like Kurt Halsey or Tamaxxx, but not so gruesome as Tamaxxx. I like her style but it's a bit too cut-off=their-heads for me. I'll find something eventually but I don't know where to look. I should get on the road.