Hormones

Sara from work said that when females get pimples below the nose line that its hormonal. She said doctors can reccomend a Pill to combat that and I want it. I'll try and make an appointment today for as soon as I can get in to check this out. I'm sick of all my pimples. They just won't go away. It's been like this for at least 6 months now. Arrg to that.

Holly's cutting my hair today. I'm excited. I want it a bit like Brooke's from One Tree Hill. I'll probably wear it like that, straightened or flicked out straightened, and Holly wants to put a more natural me colour in it. I want to stay dark for a while.

Adam from work is leaving on June 17th so he's having a farewell dinner at work and drinks in town on the 16th and I've been invited. Me and some of the girls from work are going and I'm getting excited about it. I wasn't planning on going but Grace said I should as she is. I will go this time.

Ramblings

I've started reading again. It feels like I'm forcing myself a little, even though I love this book, like I'm trying to figure out who I am by revisiting who I used to be. Yesterday I was getting a little sad about not having someone by my side, no one to message me, wondering what I'm up to or where I am. I miss that. Then I remind myself that my future partner will be way better than Yorick so I will be okay. I know I will.

I want these buttons to arrive. I have a big day on Monday so I'll try and get some fabrics together while I'm out so I'll be ready to begin once the buttons get here. I want a rainbow of colours in silky fabrics, a fabric that is of high quality and feels nice. I'm glad I'll be seeing Holly on Monday. I think I need some Holly Healing. I just made that up. She is a very healing friend though. I always feel more positive and optimistic when I'm around her, more confident and daring, and I'm looking forward to that and my new hair cut.

I want to get this tattoo done. I have some fonts written in Word as examples to make sure I have the right one before getting it done so now I have to choose. I'm just not sure if I want it all in capitals [O'REGAN] or all in lowercase [o'regan] as it all depends on the font. It looks weird in fonts as I would normally write it [O'Regan] so I thought I'd stick with the capitals as it stays true to the normal way moreso than the lowercase as it doesn't pay hommage to the two capitals. There are some nice fonts out there but they don't do justice to how I want my name written.

I've finally sold my iPod Touch today so I'll be getting roughly $230 for that. I will save that either for the holiday or for the tattoo or for the HTC Desire phone or the Canon 400D camera. Lots I want to get. I need to get a job soon and I really hope that I'll have some good prospects as of Monday. Otherwise I'll have to go to Fullers or Dymocks or a camera shop such as MidCity Camera World. I need money!

This week and the next two I'll be working Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights at thebeach. Tomorrow I'm also working from 12-4pm at Relish then from 5pm at thebeach. Money please. After next week once I pay off the second half of my car rego I'll be able to save money properly. I had saved money but got it back out to pay for the bill. It made me sad. I want to save money, damn it!

I am kinda bored a lot as I'm not studying and not working much. I have to make better use of my time though, which I am trying to do. Reading is a good start, as will making the earrings, and I have to do the Travel Books at some stage, as well as exercise.

On another note, Sara from work said that when girls get lots of pimples below the nose it's hormonal. She said there's a pill, called Diane, that helps especially with this so I might go see the Uni doctor and ask about it. I am using Implanon at the moment and like that I don't have to do anything more and that's why I chose it. Taking the Pill each day might help me become more productive with my time, like with getting up earlier or something, but that's why I shied away from it. It all depends if it will get rid of my bad skin or not and if there is something else that will help me. What are these hormones doing? I don't want them making my face bad. Grr.

It's nice having a celebrity crush [Paul Wesley]. I am totally aiming for someone as beautiful as he is next time. I hope I find him. Having Yorick meant I blocked everyone else out. I still do but I know the guy for me isn't here in Hobart. I don't want him to be. I want him to be somewhere else, in the UK or Ireland preferably, but if he finds me I won't let him go. I really don't know what will happen. I'm not waiting for him though. He'll turn up when we're ready.

Now I'm just rambling. I don't have much else to say. Might watch more The Vampire Diaries. It's so good.

I am going to start eating better full stop. Now I'm back living with my parents I have healthy meals but I have had a few KFC slip ups and I got a packet of chips yesterday to snack on. I think because of it I have let my skin get worse and I don't want that. I want to drink more water and not have bad food and see if my skin improves. I also need to start exercising. I need to do my Margate walk/jog up to the view and back. I need to do the spin class on the bike here and maybe even bring out the leg magic. I have made a pact that I won't have sex again until I'm thinner so I hope it works. I wanted to live near a beach so I could use that for my exercise but that won't be happening for a while. Maybe over in the UK I can run around the streets and parks and stuff. That's a year away though. I have to start now. I'm unhappy with my body and I need to start changing that. I only have myself to blame. I'm also in a pickle because all I'm doing these days with no Uni is watching TV episodes. I need to do my travel books and read and once I get the earring stuff I can make them. I need to do my exercise and stop watching so much TV. That will be hard, all of it, but it must be done. I don't like wasting my days. I hope I get some job prospects on Monday with my appointment with a Uni career counsellor. I hope I can get another job soon. I need money badly.

Dreaming about a boy

I was a little late to dinner last night, as was my plan because Yorick left me to wait for 20 minutes last time, and it's funny because this time at 539 he messaged me and tried to call me because I wasn't there yet. I got there at the same time but it's nice that he didn't see me waiting there.

I want a guy like Paul Wesley's character Stefan in The Vampire Diaries. What a total hottie. I like the dark hair and dark eyes and just how lovely he is. I'm aiming for that. I've always felt nervous around really pretty people and maybe that's when I'll get butterflies, when I meet such a guy for me. I hope I get someone as pretty and nice as Stefan. Mmm.

Dinner with Yorick

Yorick and I had another dinner tonight and it went well. It's like nothing has changed and that's how I wanted it to be. I feel a little uncomfortable looking into his eyes too much as that's something I save for intimate boyfriend relationships. It's the only time I can and be comfortable at the same time. We talked about him talking to his parents. They liked my cards. He mentioned how him and his housemates are going on runs together. That pisses me off a bit. They all share his car as the other's don't work and it's all too chummy for my liking. They all cook together and that kind of stuff. It's a bit sickening. I'm not as jealous as I would be if we were together. I'd want to be there all the time to mark my territory but as it is I don't need to. It's much easier knowing we're not right for each other. I was so certain we were but I don't think we are anymore. He has a lot of growing up to do and I'm glad to be free and able to do whatever I want. I like not having to answer to anyone or plan stuff around his itinery. I can't wait to be in the UK and do fantastic things everyday. That will be the life. That's why I can't wait to start my earring store. I want to feel like I'm doing something great. I'm in the limbo stage at the moment. I need a new job. Arrg. I'll go and do stuff in town and at Uni tomorrow and start getting stuff done. Yay.

Breakthrough

In early January I found out that my College boyfriend of a year was moving to Melbourne so I wrote him an email through Facebook about it. We had recently caught up at a party [The Vegas Party] and had a long chat. It was nice. I was drunk so I don't remember all of it unfortunatly but we had a nice chat. So I asked him about moving to Melbourne and he didn't write back for ages and when he did he said he realised he didn't reply. I told him about Yorick and all of my plans and he was really nice about it. The last part was the best. He said:

"I'm glad you're keen for a hot choc. You had every right to be bitter. I treated you completely unfairly and I can't apologise enough. I still feel guilty about the whole thing every time I see you. Things have been a bit weird between us for a while and we haven't really talked. I should have broken the silence earlier"

Reading that made me so happy. We had a bad break-up and he flaunted other girls in my face. I think that was his attempt to try and help me get over it. It didn't help but boys can be pretty stupid, as I have re-learned with Yorick. I didn't know how Jeremy felt and it's nice to know he felt bad about it. I'm not the only one. I know it'll be weird when we catch up, still awkward, but it'll be good for us. It's been 6 years since we were together and I was bitter for so long and I'm glad I've let that go. Hopefully we can make a friendship now.

It's nice that I have this new friendship with Jeremy to keep me distracted. It's nice remembering that I'm over him and that things can be normal again. With Yorick, we are saying we're friends but we're not the kind of friends I want to be. I want it to be the same between us before we broke up, because that's what we were acting like, but he's making it hard. It'll smooth out I'm sure.

I really want to start making earrings. I want to feel like I'm starting something new for myself, not waiting for that day to come. I need to order the parts and get started. I have all of these wonderful plans but I want to put them into action.

Last day

I had my last day at Uni today for the attempted BSW. I am so glad to be done. I had a cry in bed at Sophie's last night, partly because of being there and not in my safe haven of a room, partly because of Yorick. Sophie saw him for about 10 minutes on the weekend and she said he seemed to be doing well. He's still drinking like there's no tomorrow and spewing on the way to work while driving. I can't wait to see him grop up. His friends have all grown up but he hasn't. It's a shame. She said he said he was going to tell his parents on the weekend. I sent them thankyou cards [and a letter to his mum -- they are divorced] on Friday so they might have gotten to them afterwards, if he did in fact see them on the weekend, and I'm kinda glad he told them first. I told him I wanted to say something but if he did see them it's better that he told them. Sophie said that he might have held off for the 2 weeks because he didn't want it to be real. Maybe. I hope so. I hope he misses me a little bit. I missed him last night. I associate our greatness with our trips to New Zealand and Vanuatu and was thinking about that. I am always thinking about those holidays. They were the greatest. It was nice to have a cry. Not a ripping-my-heart-out kind of cry but a sad cry. I'm not explaing this too well.

On the way back from Launceston today I was thinking about how the BSW is so wrong for me and I've never been academically great. I pass and do above average but I'm not that great at it. I need a job that doesn't have too much writing in it because it's not great. I would love to work in an ancient museum maybe [would I?] or somewhere where I can go out on research trips, although that would involve writing up reports ... I can do stuff like that if I have a very clear guide to what I need to write. Maybe that could be okay. All I know is that I really want to travel and see the world. That's way more important to me than a career. I also want to have a family and 2 kids and a wonderful 4 bedroom house somewhere great. I'll get those things. I kinda don't want to raise a family here in Tassie. It's boring and not as pretty as say New Zealand. Maybe I'll stay in the UK if I find a great guy. Not too soon, I want to travel first.

I can't wait to start my business. I want to make earrings and bracelets and maybe sell other stuff if I can find something else I like.

I need a new computer. One that works well and actually connects to the internet.

Yorick and I are having dinner again tomorrow night. I want to know how he's doing and I want him to talk to me like a friend, not like he's trying to keep his distance in case I want him back. Grr. I want to know his plans and his hopes and things that make him excited or hopeful. I don't know if I'll get that though.

Nothing much happening

What's new? Not a lot. I visited Andi and Ivy today. Ivy was a little shy, which could be seen by her sticking out her tounge apparently. What a cutie she is. Andi and I had some nice chats and have planned some for later in the week.

It's dad's birthday tomorrow so we had dinner for him tonight. I made a chicken pie, the one Yorick and I made together, and it was yummy as always. I'm super full though. Not so good.

Last days of Uni tomorrow, unless I'm doing those damn exams. Too much effort for something I have lost interest in.

I felt James and Georgie's baby's kick tonight. That was awesome. Nice work, little one.

Yep, that's about it. Thinking more about the earrings and I want to have a rainbow of colours to choose from in good quality fabrics. This will be good. I'll need to find something else to sell, other jewelry that is. Hmm.

HTC Desire

I really want the HTC Desire. I must get it. It's way better than the iPhone and my Hiptop3 is starting to get harder to use. One of the buttons, the rolley joystick, isn't working as well as it used to but I'm going to have to save $700 to get this new one. I'll have to ask them if I can get it in a year plan. Maybe Centrelink will give me an advance. I won't be on Centrelink for much longer now I'm not going to be studying for a while. I have one last bill to pay for my car and then I can start saving. I also want to buy a Canon 400D camera and the $125 lens that Amy reccomended. Money! Arrr.

Buttons to Cover

Sara from work is going to help me find the best way to get the buttons to cover so I'm making a profit. I'm excited! She has a business on eBay selling jewelry. She buys the pieces for 1c-5c each and sells them for $2. She'll give me some great help and so will Holly. I want to get someone to design my header, someone who is arty. I have an idea of someone online. I'll have to send them an email and see what they can do for me. Excitement plus!

Over it? Etsy store ideas are better

I was thinking about Yorick last night while trying to get to sleep. I've been wondering why things are so easy. Sometimes I think I'm over it but I won't be on that road until I get used to him dating or that kind of stuff. That will be horrible and hard but it'll move me further away from idealising what we had. I think that I am finding it easy because we're not hanging out much, even though we're friends, and we're not hanging out together in his friendship circle. Sophie will invite me to those gatherings but it might be best for me not to. It'll just be weird. I don't want to see him flirting with anyone and that would just be torturing myself. Unless Holly's there too and it's not just me and Sophie who understandably ditches me sometimes to talk to the boys then it might be okay. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

In other news, Holly is excited about me starting up my own 'lable' for the earrings and whatever else I decide to make and sell. I think it'll be so much fun. I believe there are levels of creativity and one that I can achieve successfully is these covered button earrings. They have the idea there all ready for you and you just have to chose your fabric. I'm good with aethetics so I'll find it fairly easy once I get the hang of it. Another level that I'm not too good at is when it comes down to having my own idea. I've been thinking about making the rice ball felt toys and have done a few but I don't feel like they're great. If I can make stuff that people can wear that I really like and would wear too then I'll feel confident to get them out there. I want to make bracelets with the covered buttons and how I see it in my mind it can be done. I'll make some different sized earrings for my sister but I'm not sure about the broaches. I don't want to do the rings as I didn't like how they looked with the silver band. It was too high a contrast between that and the button. It could work but I don't want to try it. I might go with some bigger broach buttons and make them into necklaces. They can have some great pictures on them. This is exciting. I always wanted an Etsy stall since I saw Holly's stalls at the Markets. I could even do that one day! Scary but fun.

Changes are good

Yorick replied to my message yesterday and he said "Your plans sound interesting and fun. I'm glad you're moving forward. I paid the power bill today. Maybe we could go to Cool Thai one night next week." It's nice that he's happy for me but I'm trying to decode the message. What are the hidden meanings? I'm not sure if there are any. He's just being nice. I don't think he knows where he's heading in the future. He needs to figure out things more than I do. I just started another blog dedicated to anthropology as a career goal here and have found some good course options. I wonder what he has in store for himself. I think he'll be focusing on drinking and being single. I don't know if that's exactly how it is but I do know he wants the single life and through this I think I'm a lot more mature than he is and I know where I'm going. I don't think he ever really did, not career-wise anyway. He'll work it out. Dinner will be nice with him next week. I hoped he would organise something. I don't want him to think I'm smothering him or that I'm still a big presence in his life like a girlfriend would be. I'm giving him his space. I like that he knows I'm moving forward and that I have a life outside of our relationship even though that was a big part of my life. I planned everything around him and I can see that I'm better off being out of that thought pattern so I can be my own person. I need this. I can see the big level difference between us now and it's crazy because I didn't see it there before. I was too focused on our relationship to notice. Ahh well.

My own business?

I haven't written in a little while but I've been thinking about all that's happening in my life and all that's going to happen. Exciting times ahead.

On Monday I bought the United Kingdom and Ireland Lonely Planet guides. They are really nice books with so many colourful pages and pictures. I got a bit worried yesterday thinking about how I'm going to plan stuff but if I write down all the places I want to go under the heading of a country or city then they can all be ticked off when I'm there. My sister should do a Contiki Tour at some point so I can do my own thing while she's away on one of those trips. When my aunts Jan and Fra are out at the end of the year they can help us plan things as well. I'm loving this.

On another note, I've been thinking about Yorick and what's happening with my dealing with it. I don't really miss him. I miss having someone next to me in bed or cooking and eating dinner with. Someone to watch TV with and yell out to [in a cute way] across the house. It's not so much him because we haven't been a couple in a while. I just miss those kinds of things. I know I'll find it again though. I like that we're still going to be friends. In Launceston this week, Sophie and I were having a chat about it and I mentioned how I think he's avoiding any closeness because I think he might be thinking that that might make me want him back or something. Well I don't, but Sophie said that boys have a hard time separating friends from lovers. I'm fine with it but I guess I have to go with his flow and how he wants to take things. We haven't seen each other since the dinner but I want to give him space so he feels how he wants to feel. I'm happy with space too. I mentioned to him in a message about the power bill and if he paid his half [he didn't] and I asked how he was. He said he's still sick [with a cold] but that it's clearing up and asked how I've been. I said stuff about the bill and how I'm feeling better about Uni with deciding to quit and move in a different direction. I wrote "I'm researching the UK more and am planning to get a one way ticket, maybe work there for a bit and do some travelling. I think it's good that we are taking the time to be young. There's plenty of time for families and settling. I do want that one day but it's nice to feel free to go explore the world first. We'll get what we want from life I'm sure. Let me know if/when you want to hang out one day. It would be nice to see you." I wanted to let him know that I'm independent and that I am enjoying being free, to have options such as travelling, and that I'm okay with it all. I hope he is a bit shocked.

I got an email today from my lecturer for 301 and I didn't pass the DVD Interview assignment. It came as a relief, even though I wonder why I didn't pass, and it's good that I don't have to sit that exam. I hated that class the most. I'm not going to be doing social work anymore and I'm glad that decision has been made. Marg suggested I go see Student Service and ask them about skipping out on my other exams. I don't see the point and maybe they can back up that decision for me. I'll go to class next week but not after that, unless the suggest I go to the exams. Ahh well. In 301, you have to pass that assignment to do the fieldwork next semester and I won't be doing that anyway so it was nice getting an easy way out. I can't wait for anthropology.

I might have mentioned that I want to make covered button earrings. I had an idea about making them into a bracelet. I might be able to make an Etsy shop with my store name as "gone to neverland" and sell things on there. How cool. Since seeing Holly's creations and her market stalls I've been inspired to have my own business in craft and maybe I can have that. I think it'd be so fun and extra money on the side. I'm going to do it. I'll have to make a banner and chose my font and get some cards printed to put my earrings through. Holly can help me with all of this and I think she'll be proud.

I want to do more photography. I need to go and get fit. Lots to do.

Covered button earrings

Sarah and I went to visit Holly's market stall at a market held in the St. Mary's school in town. We both bought some cute button earrings. They are my second pair and I also bought mum some for mother's day. I though about how I'd love to be able to make my own in the perfect fabrics as in all of the stalls I have seen them in I have liked them but have wished there were a different colour or pattern. I thought that I should check the internet and see if I can find a pattern or a how-to and I did! I'm going to get all the tools I need and raid mum's scrap fabric box and start creating. I might even be able to sell some eventually.

www.lollychops.com/lollychops/2008/08/buttons-to-cove.html

This is where I found the tutorial which tells you where to buy the packs. It didn't say where to get the earring backs but I might get them from Spotlight in town next week or even eBay. This is going to be so much fun! Crafts here I come.

http://www.jcarolinecreative.com/

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This is the site from which you can buy the buttons to cover packs. They are only $1 each! I am getting 2 x 1/2" packs of 6 buttons to start with and will see how I go from there. I'm also getting some of the same sized plain buttons to stick in the back as they suggest to make the whole thing work. Just have to find the earring backs and get some glue.

Anthropology here I come!

Yesterday I was getting a bit sad about things. I'm better now. I was torturing myself by thinking about Yorick being with another girl so soon but I don't think he will be. It might be a fling but nothing serious, god no. I just don't want him to even have a fling. That'll make me sad.

Today I'm researching Universities in Australia that offer anthropology. I found a great definition on the University of Adelaide website but this computer won't let me copy and paste stuff. I hate that. I find I do that a reasonable amount of time to get annoyed about it. I'm not sure I'd want to move to Adelaide though as I know no one there. Maybe Melbourne because I know people there but I don't want to move there. I'll have to try New Zealand and see what they have to offer. Brilliant. I'm not sure if it'd be best to move somewhere else with no friends. It won't be for 2 years or something. There might even be a course in the UK that I can do. Just looking at my options I suppose.

I got home from work last night and had a chat to dad. He said he didn't think social work was for me because I'm not the sort of person to leave my work when I leave the premesis. It's depressing work too and surrounding myself with that might not be the best idea. My aunt Fra said "I think it would be a pretty soul destroying job working with needy people, some of whom are very difficult to deal with. It's not the kind of job to do unless you have a passion for it - or at least that's my impression." I agree. I don't think it's for me. I don't want a depressing job. I want a happy job researching cultures and human nature! Anthropology here I come. My aunt Jan said "a new direction for your career - why not. It is much better to work at something you enjoy." I agree again. I would love to research cultures and human nature and work somewhere great. This is exciting.

Unfortunatly I have to finish this semester. I have an assignment to do before Monday so I had better get off here before too long and attack that some more. It's my last assignment so it'll be great to finally get rid of it. I might start an anthropology journal while I think of the BSW. Fun! I can put all the definitions in and courses I might like to do. Fun!

I would love to go to another Uni and either have a dorm or live in a fantastic appartment like Carrie Bradshaw's on Sex and the City. Her appartment is fantastic. I need to check out New Zealand Uni's.

Unsure

I'm not feeling very happy today. I'm sad because I don't want Yorick to go and be with someone else when we've only just ended things. I hate how this friendship thing isn't really a friendship. It's us being civil. He's not trying. Again. He seems to think that getting close to me will make me want him back. I don't want him back. I miss how we used to be but I know this is the right thing. My Mr. Right is still out there somewhere and I'll find him when I'm ready for the rest-of-my-life relationship I'm vearning for. I need to be by myself for a while and get done all the things I want to do while I'm not held back. I just don't want Yorick to be with anyone. It's a bit hipocritical because I think of kissing other boys but I don't want to. It would just be a kiss. I wouldn't go home with them. I don't want to do that. I'm waiting for my rest-of-my-life guy. I know I have one of those and he will be great. Yorick isn't that guy, not now at least. He might be that guy one day, for me possibly, but probably for someone else. I'm not holding on to such a unlikely hope. I'm just a bit sad today. It's all gone by so fast that I'm not sure if I've gotten over it or not. I don't know what's happening. I want someone to look at me like the way Yorick used to, the way he used to write about me. One day I will, I know it.

More phones

I don't want the Motorola Backflip now. I've been looking at the HTC Desire today. It's prettier but it doesn't have a full QWERTY keyboard. It's also a lot more expensive at around the $700 mark. More like $730. I'd want to buy it outright because there's more freedom and there's the complication of me wanting to go to the UK next year with my sister which might interfere with the contract here. I can always ask Telstra about that. Maybe I could get the plan transferred over there. I doubt it. It's completely touch screen, this phone, and pretty and does cool things. I'll have to check out their plans at Telstra because I don't want one too big. $50 a month is the most I'd want to pay. Arr.

I'm not doing much homework today. I'm bad. I've been watching OTH7 online at a site called TV Shack. I think I'll be on here everyday watching more OTH7. I might have to start on other seasons as well! I'm loving it. I hate that my internet doesn't work though. I was hoping that Yorick might be able to reformat my laptop and I think he still might. I'm not sure if I want to go to him though. He's not being a very nice friend. Whatever.

I'm looking forward to drinks with Emma tonight. She's inspiring. I'll have to borrow some money off of mum until tomorrow as my money is short. Damn bill.

Motorola Backflip

I want this phone but it's not out yet. It's called the Mororola Backflip and it's way better than the Motorola Dext. I hope it comes out soon! I have to save enough to buy it outright first and then take it to Telstra once it's unlocked and get on a plan there. It's so pretty. Much prettier than the Dext. My plan for my Hiptop has expired and I'm on it until I don't want to be. I thought I might have a few months to go but It expired last week, about the same time as I got my licence although it was one year exactly from when I got my licence.

Yorick and I went and got dinner at Fish Frenzy tonight. It was okay. We talked a bit, mainly about stuff that's happening for us and the future. Nothing deep or about our relationship. Once we were finished and leaving he walked to his car and I followed him and he didn't even hug me goodbye or anything even remotely nice or friendly. He just went to his car, said he'd see me soon, and that was that. I'm not happy about that. He could be nice. He probably thinks I want him back or that I'm trying to impose my control on him or something. I have nothing to do with his new life anymore and I don't want him back. Not who he is. I want someone better. Actually, I don't want anyone at all until I've done many wonderful things.

Sarah and I are going to go travelling to the UK this time next year, maybe a bit later. I am going to get some travel guides soon and start planning. I won't be doing Uni social work next semester so I'll try and get a job in a bookstore or photography shop and save save save. I'll aim for $5000 including air fares I suppose, maybe more, so I'm set. We'll probably work over there and stay for a year at least, maybe travel around Europe. I really want to go to Greece and Spain and France and Germany. That would be lovely.

There are so many things I want to do next semester. I want to read more books. I want to finish the Travel Books and start one for my Holga/Diana photography in the book Yorick bought me for Christmas last year. I want to take trips with Holly to take photographs. I want to figure myself out. I don't want to be in a relationship until I'm ready to settle down and have a family. It can wait until then. Mum said it is a great time for me to be single. I agree.

Tomorrow I'm going to do some homework on the assignment I got an extension on. I'm also going to Onba with Emma for more $10 cosmopolitans and Cool Thai for dinner afterwards. I don't have much money though...

New adventures ahoy

Mum and I had another big chat sitting by the fire drinking a cup of tea. I don't want to do social work anymore. It doesn't feel right for me now but that doesn't mean it won't be right for me down the track. Mum can see me as a librarian and that might be alright in an ancient library but I want to do archaeology and anthropology. I might even do one of those over in England at a University there. I think next semester I'll work and save money. I'll get a job maybe in a bookstore somewhere and work 2 or 3 nights at thebeach. I'll save money for the UK trip and I want to read more leisure books and do my Travel Books [New Zealand and Vanuatu] and go on small trips with Holly for photos. I want to live. And so I shall. I'll keep going with this semester at Uni and finish up after that. I will do some research on the right course and the right Uni for those other two areas and look at the Lonely Planet guides to the UK and Ireland. I really like that I'm much happier about the Yorick situation. I'm so glad we're being friends and bypassing all that sadness as a result. I'm not missing it too much as it's kinda still there through our friendship. I'm glad.

A time for change

It's feels strange that I'm not so sad anymore because of the promise of friendship Yorick and I have. We aren't completely out of each other's lives but just aren't being a couple anymore and this is making it a lot easier to deal with. I am starting to plan things for my life, mostly involving travelling at the moment and things to do with becoming myself. As such, I'm not sure what I'm doing with Uni. It doesn't feel right anymore and I don't know if it's what I want to be doing. I'm not sure how long I will last.

Let's be friends

He sent me this lovely message this afternoon when my phone was off and I was cleaning the house. It makes me happier and more optimistic.

"Maybe we could get dinner on Wednesday or something. Just because our relationship has broken doesn't mean we can't still hold on to our connection. You've been my best friend and the most important person in my life and I'm sad that things have turned so nasty and petty at the end. Breaking up was never going to be a walk in the park and I realise that I've gone about some things in the wrong way. Please realise that this hasn't been easy for me either and that I'm scared and uncertain of what the future holds. I never wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry that I have. I guess I thought slowly distancing myself would make things easier but it seems that I've only ended up causing you more hurt through my actions."

I was so glad he sent me that message. I didn't get it until I got home and put my phone on to charge and it was a lovely surprise. He is the same guy I fell in love with [not all the time but I know he's in there] and it's nice to know he still exists. This was my reply.

"I would love to get dinner with you on Wednesday. I know that we'll be able to continue our friendship as I've seen it in us over the last few weeks. You've been my best friend and most important person too and that will be hard to let go of but I know we'll still stay connected. I think it would be worse if we left things badly because we would be heading along an unfriendly path. If we can still be friends then we're not losing everything we've built. I'm glad you can see that you did go about some things the wrong way and that you didn't mean to hurt me. I guess through your actions you were trying to tell me that you need time and space to be yourself, as I have realised that is something I also need. Sometimes I feel lost but I know I'll find my way and I'm sure you will too. Thank you for your text. It has made the world of difference to me and I'm glad I'm not losing you completely from my life. We had some wonderful times and I'll never forget them."

I think I won't be as sad as I was yesterday now that we've talked like this. Knowing we aren't losing each other completely makes me happy and that we'll still be in each other's life. Cutting each other out completely is the hardest part of a break up as I've found in the past and I think we're more adult than that. I'm glad we'll be apart so we can focus on ourselves but I'm also glad that we'll be able to hang out and remain friends. I think this is the best result and I am so glad it's here.

Message replies

He sent me another message:

"Righto put the guilt trip on. I've worked 22 days straight and am physically and emotionally exhausted. I'll be up there in the next hour or so then."

I replied with this:

"Do what you want. I won't be here when you get here. I hoped we could salvage a friendship out of our relationship by cleaning the house together. I'll see you round."

Then tacked on this:

"I'm not trying to be mean..."

If he came up now I'd only be mad at him for not coming as planned in the first place. It's not worth it. If he had come as planned then I was going to talk to him about continuing our relationship in the form of a friendship but now he has to earn it. I was trying to get him to understand how crap he's been treating me in my first reply to him and I suppose it was a guilt trip. I just want to hurt him back. I'm mad at him for the way he treats me even now. It's total crap and somewhere deep down under the denial he knows that. When I meet the right guy I will know immediately if he's the right guy just by the way he treats me. I'm aiming higher next time.

Because I care for him more than he cares for me, and because I treat him better than he treats me, I still want to join him here tomorrow, even though I can't, simply because I'm better than he is. On the other side, I'm still mad at him for the way he's treating me and see him cleaning the whole house by himself as what he deserves. I'm too nice to take that second track to the extreme. I'm also sad now because he's not coming. I guess this end is appropriate and more realistic than the one I wanted and expected.

Why do I expect more from him when he continues to prove me wrong?

Why do I expect more from him!? Seriously. Time and time again he proves me wrong. He wrote me this message:

"Hey I might not make it up there today, work was epic. I have all of tomorrow off so I can do the mopping, vacuum and bathroom then, plus anything else that needs tidying or cleaning"

That pissed me off. I wrote:

"Right. I was hoping we could do it together as this was our house but once again I fooled myself into thinking you would actually turn up. I should really stop expecting more from you. All I will do is vacuum and you can do everything else"

I wanted us to do this together and salvage a friendship but he has to work for my friendship. I can't believe he bailed again. He has been walking over me for too long so why should I have expected anything different? I expected better of him because that's what he gets from me. He can clean the whole house by himself. Screw him.

Light in the darkness

I wrote to Yorick asking him if he has time tomorrow for cleaning the house. He replied straight away saying yes for the afternoon. I asked him if he'd let me know what time he'll head there and he said he will finish work [I presume] at 2 and that he'll head there straight after. My worh shift has been changed from 5pm to 9am-2pm and I think that suits me better. In the day if I'm working at night I feel the time creeping closer, cornering me in. I'm glad we'll be able to clean together, then I can come home and do homework and prepare for my trip to Launceston for the week and probably have a bit of a cry. Because I know we're hanging out tomorrow I'm not as sad. It's like things are normal. I'm glad I get some old-normal because I can't take anymore sadness right now. It will gone back all too soon though.

Settling in

I'm all moved in back at Margate. I've had a few cries already today. I'm so hormonal. I hate this. I hate that it's ended and still ending [the house] and although next week will be hard without him I'll get a better sense of where I'm at. I'm so up and down with the crying. I really miss him, or the having a partner part, someone to look forward to seeing. I put too much down to him, based too much on him. I wonder if Sophie will get much out of him.

I have to do homework now and put all my clothes in the wardrobe and small stuff like that. I don't want to but I have to because when I get home from work tonight I doubt I'll want to do it.

I'm so going to cry a little at work tonight. Without a doubt. It'll only be small though but I know I'll be able to work. Hopefully Alison is there and she can send me home early as she always does. I like going home early.

I'm glad I'll be over in the big house and have the shed/little house for all my stuff, kind of like a lounge room. It's warmer over here and I'm closer to them [mum and dad]. I don't want to be alone. Not now.

I hate this.

The ending

I stayed at Margate last night. After Holly's I met Sarah and we went to the gig. I was so tired from an extremely emotional day and went home for 1130. I talked to dad and got a bit upset. Whenever I talk to someone I have a little cry then get to the other side.

At Holly's, we did my tarot and it was spot on about making the decision to end things with Yorick, how I'm feeling either sad or positive and that change is happening. There was something about creativeness and planning something, which is the UK trip with Sarah, and it was really good.

This morning I had a bit chat to mum and she said Yorick must have been struggling because he didn't want to tell me things weren't going well and didn't want to hurt me. She said that his actions were saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that he had made up his own mind about not wanting to continue with us but he didn't vocalise it. When I caught up with it and said I didn't want to keep going as things weren't working it was probably a relief for him but he must have already know that's what he wanted.

Mum said he loved me and that's why he was struggling and didn't want to hurt me but he's not in the right place for us. Because he loved me he was struggling. She thinks he might have run scared because things were too serious, like seeing my reaction to James and Georgie having a baby, thinking I might want that too, and I do, just not yet.

He's not going to talk to anyone about it much but Sophie will try. I am so up and down, crying, then positive. It's hard being alone. I am so stressed with this and cleaning and homework and working.

Mum and I talked about Uni and how I'm not so happy with the way things are going only because of my bad mark. We discussed anthropology and archaeology for an option if social work doesn't fit. We also talked about the UK trip and going for a year or something and working there, seeing the family, and traveling. I'm glad that's the plan. It all depends on how I go this semester with that one subject (301) and I'll probably take the year off anyway, maybe, and head over to the UK.

I'm here to get all my clothes sorted and then dad and James are coming over at 1130ish to get the rest of my stuff. I'll head back after that probably and not stick around for Yorick because he might not even come back and I have work tonight and homework to do. I'd like it if we can clean together tomorrow and do it together, the ending, so I'll see how that goes. I have work tomorrow night too and homework and so much going on. It's all so hard.

I'm lost. Dad said how maturely I'm taking this and I am. I'm on and off crying. I'll stay at home for a while in the big house closer to them. Warmer and more like I'm back in the nest. I'll be heading to Sophie's on Monday so we can have a bit chat about it and hopefully she has some news for me about Yorick. I have my sister too as she doesn't want to be alone either. I'd better go do some packing.

Feeling angry

I am so mad right now. Yorick came 'home' and started taking the bed apart and packing his stuff up. I tortured myself by watching and wandered around having my last looks at the way things were. Dad came by and took some of my stuff and once he left Steve came over and they packed up their cars. Then Yorick and I talked about what's happening next with the house and I had a blank face talking to him in a monotone and he asked if he could have a towel. I said his was the purple one and he grabbed it and left. I was so pissed off in that moment so I called Holly. She mentioned that Ruben is disappointed in him as we all are and he did come back into the house looking for something 5 minutes later whilst I was on the phone to Holly. She said I should try and act towards him like anyone else and if he continue to be a prick then I can say that I tried to salvage a friendship out of this but that he's being an ass ... and I can't remember what comes next. He called his new home home and it hurt when he was talking to one of his new housemates. Something is wrong with him. He's the complete opposite of the guy I fell in love with and Holly reckons no one will get much out of him about it for a while. I really want to know. Spilt milk situation. He is such a jerk and I really hate the way he's behaving. Fuck him. He can have his mess of a life. He does not deserve me or anyone like me. He deserves nothing. I do want to try and be nice and make a friendship with him. Holly said that I can say it's still there if he continues to be an ass whenever he's ready. I hate that this separation will be so sudden as of this weekend. I don't like it at all. Arr. I'm going to put the washing out, watch the rest of my episode of Lost, then head down to Holly's before meeting Sarah and going to the gig. I am better off without him. Ruben was proud that I did the ending of things. I am too. Yorick probably felt strongly about that but I won't know how exactly. One day I'll find out.

Feeling better now

I was really upset earlier and I couldn't stop crying. Sarah came over and we hung out and it was really nice. We talked about it, then moved to happier more optimistic topics, watched OTH5, ate chocolate and had a coke each. I'm feeling better. I'm upset but it doesn't feel real just yet because we haven't spent any time apart, which we will as of this weekend. He's meant to be coming home soon to start moving the bed with Steve. Someone is coming to have a look at the place at 430 and dad is coming by at 530 to assess the situation regarding heavy items. I might have a bit of a tidy now in preparation. I haven't been very productive today. I need to work on my assignments! If this study doesn't work out I'm totally switching to anthropology and archaeology. Moving would be fun but I'd miss my friends. That can come later. Sarah's keen for the UK trip idea. I'm thinking mid 2012. I'll start planning now.

Sadness

Peyton said "I miss what I thought we would be" about Lucas. I think that fits very well with me.

I have had on and off tears today. I'm feeling a little depressed, not sure what to do anymore. I have homework to do but can't bring myself to do it. I'm wasting time here. I need to get something done. I'll go and try.

My internet isn't working here and Yorick will be taking his laptop with him, which is what I'm using right now. I'm going to ask him if I can keep the set top box and TV until tomorrow so I can watch something tonight before James' gig. He has invited me to go down to his place with Georgie for some pizza with them and Joe and Megan. I'll see how I go this afternoon.

There is a sadness in me that is waiting to take over and I think it'll give it a good try next week once things are normalised and there is no more Mt Nelson. I'm sad now about it. I can't quit pin point why I'm sad. I think it's everything really, him not being the same, what we were and are no longer, the possibility of not being a part of each others life anymore. A combination. I'll be alright.

Make a wish

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle's going to come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it with all your heart.
-- One Tree Hill Season 5 Episode 13

I wish for a love so great and so strong that it will never be diminished.
I wish for a man to spend the rest of my life with, someone who I will want to have sex with all the time, and someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be.
I wish to be the best version of myself.
I wish to have so many adventures in my life starting now.

There are a lot of things I am wishing for and I know I can be great.

4 years, 3 months and 10 days

He came home yesterday when I was talking to Sophie on the phone about the whole situation. He sat on the couch tired from work and didn't say much. He was being an ass. I said "I need to talk to you" and said some stuff about how it wasn't working and bumbled something about how I didn't like the way things were going, I can't remember it exactly, but then I gave him the letter. He read it but didn't say anything, might have mumbled an "okay, whatever". I asked him something, maybe if that was okay or something, and he said yes. Then I got mad and said "fine, we're done. You made it so easy" or something. He was such an ass. We sat there for about half an hour not saying anything and then we finally got into some sitting-on-the-couch-watching-TV talk. I asked what something was and he'd reply and soon enough it was like nothing had changed. We were being the friends side of our relationship, which I believe will stay on, even though were not together anymore and it was nice. I had messaged Holly and Sophie about it and Holly suggested I go and make it sink in for him but I think there's plenty of time for that. Last night was our last night in the house together sleeping that is, which is sad in itself, but I felt no need to storm off. I'm not that type of person for starters. We shared some hot chips and watched Top Gear then the Big Bang Theory then Peep Show. After that we went to bed. After a while I asked him why he stopped trying and after 2 seconds he said he doesn't know. Sophie's down this weekend so she'll try and get something out of him, like why he's unhappy with himself and why he's drinking so much and why he stopped trying, so hopefully I'll get some answers because he won't talk to me about it. This afternoon he and Steve are going to move the heavy stuff of his. Then I guess we'll meet up for cleaning over the weekend.

I want one last hug from him. I believe that we'll stay friends and will be civil, maybe even hang out sometimes. I don't want him to be out of my life completely. I won't go to Zum this Monday but maybe I will the following week and see how he is and get a muffin and hot chocolate. Knowing we'll still be friends makes this easier to deal with because ripping someone out of your life cold turkey hurts the worst. I know we can't be together anymore and it's easy to deal with because of how he's been in the last few days and knowing we need to be ourselves, but I will still miss him and who we were together. I hate thinking about all the wonderful things we did together, which mainly manifest themselves in the holidays we took together, but I'll try not to dwell on that too much. I think it'll hit me hardest next week once I'm back at Margate.

I really wish he'd talk to me about it. I find that the hardest right now. I want to be able to talk it over with him, reminisce about the great times we had and talk about how he's feeling, but I know we won't. I guess I'll just have to accept that, hard as it will be. Hopefully Sophie can give me some answers. In bed last night we touched a few times, arms or legs, and I wished he would snuggle me. I miss that a lot. Trying not to cry. At some stage he'll have a go at fixing my computer, sooner rather than later, so that will be an excuse to see him and ease him out of my life. 4 years is a long time. It's easier because us as great isn't fresh in my mind. It still hurts though. I reckon I'll get back into bed and watch some One Tree Hill. He got up for work this early and I went to the toilet and he said "you're up early". It was my excuse to pee as well as say goodbye to him for the day. He wouldn't have otherwise. He would have just slipped out of the house. We used to say goodbye and goodnight. Things have definitely changed. I sure will miss the best of us.

26 February 2006 to 6 May 2010 -- 4 years, 3 months and 10 days.

The letter

I have just come back from Holly's and I am feeling much more empowered by this whole situation. I went to Margate and dropped some more stuff off and had a cry in dad's arms then felt better hanging out with him and my brother James. I went to Holly's after that and hung there with her and her friend Emma. We had lots of chats about my situation and how I feel and what I want and in the end we ended up writing a letter for me to give to Yorick when I'm going to approach him and end things. Things aren't getting any better and I don't love who he is now. I just want how we used to be but I know that he needs to be single and figure himself out because that's where he is at this stage. I can't be with him while he's like this because it's not fair on me and it's not what I want. So here is the letter.

Yorick,

You are a weak coward, forcing me to stand up and do the adult thing. You have drawn this out the longest, most painful way possible for me. I'm sick and tired of sitting at home waiting for you to grow up.

You have made me extremely sad and are not the person I fell in love with anymore. I mourn the loss of who we were, not what we are. Your behaviour recently has exposed a real lack of character and maturity as you clearly do not have the guys to treat me with the respect and honesty I deserve. I have never had anyone treat me with such a lack of consideration.

I never realised how unhappy you have made me for the past 6 months. You have been so wrapped up in your own selfish needs, having the benefit of leading a single life whilst having me to look after you. I feel like I've been trained by you to find this behaviour acceptable when it is clearly nothing but reprehensible and goes against all that I believe a relationship should be.

Anna.

That's where it ends but when I talk to him I'll say something about how it's not working and I can't go on like this anymore. I wrote it all down because I usually forget stuff and it's all there. Holly, Emma and I talked about this and how he's forced me to have to put this to an end. I want him to be the person I fell in love with but I don't think he's there anymore and it's unrealistic to think that he might come back any time soon. I think I'll be waiting a while for that guy to return. He obviously needs to focus on himself and figure out what he wants and who he is. I will also ask him what's made him so unhappy because something has.

I'm dealing with this pretty well and I think it's made easier by the fact that he isn't the guy I fell in love with and I know this isn't the kind of relationship I want. I need to focus on myself too. I'm not sure who I am and I am always planning things around him. I need to see what I'm like alone because I've forgotten who I am. Having all this time to myself will be beneficial for me and once I'm settled in a new house by myself I'll be able to surround myself with pretty things and do all the things on my list. This is for the best.

Big post with his journal

x. He's not the guy I fell in love with
x. The guy he is now is not the guy I want to marry

x. He doesn't want me anymore

x. I'm not getting what I want
x. It feels like it's over

x. I don't want to wait anymore

x. I want to be myself

x. I'll miss us and our ideal future together

I don't see how things are going to get better from here. He's being mean in the way he talks to me, short and avoiding, and he's never here anymore. He doesn't have much stuff left to move. I've been reading the journal he wrote a few entries in when we were beginning and it makes me sad. The way he used to write about me was beautiful but I don't think that exists in him anymore. I'm going to miss him so much but I'll know there's someone else out there for me who will love me the way I want them to. I'm not sure Yorick loves me anymore. They have just become words.

In the first entry he wrote about me he said "I'm fully hooked, she's addictive stuff. She's smart and funny and sexy and I feel I can just be myself with her ... Anna accepts me for who I am, and when she looks into my eyes that way she does it's as though she can see my soul. There's something about her -- it's like an inner beauty and honesty that's so pure it almost hurts to look at. I dunno, I can't help but smile when I look at her. I think she's been hurt pretty badly in the past but she isn't ready to talk about it so I'm not going to push the issue. We had sex last night for the first time and halfway through she broke down in tears. I wish she felt comfortable enough to talk about it but she didn't, so I just held her. I was really drunk which didn't help the situation any. Oh well, I'm sure she'll talk about it when she's ready. This girl understands me so well it's amazing. Every time I think I've made a critical mistake and fucked things up she's there. Hopefully she's a stayer."

x. He used to care when I cried
x. I want to stay with him but I think he's given up. We're not the same couple we used to be. I miss us. I miss our beginning.

This is the second entry.
"Hesitation & doubt plague me. Why didn't I call tonight? Why didn't she email? I saw her MSN name. 'You read my eyes like your diary'. What does she mean by my diary? Is it even about me? Probably not. I love her eyes though. God, I don't know what it is. And her smile. I know that one, it's such a truly happy and honest smile. No pretend smiles, they only happen when it's the real deal ... was it the ecstasy? Do I really like her this much? Does she like me? Is the timing wrong? We don't even have that much in common. We're completely different people. But I can't help it, I'm so attracted to her. And fascinated. I think that's part of it, she's so damned interesting. And the way she just looks at everything differently. I can't explain it but its so beautiful and different and I burn to know more. I hope she lets me have the opportunity. There's so much to her that she doesn't let on. I have to let her know I can see that."

x. I wish I could see myself like that. All I think of myself these days is that I'm not pretty, I have bad skin, and I need to lose weight. I'm a size 10/12 so I'm not doing that bad but I'd like to look outwardly better to feel better about myself on the inside.
x. I loved the process of meshing with him. I would love to be able to talk like that now. Maybe we weren't right for each other but we grew together and now we're growing apart. I have to ask him if he cheated. That might explain things.

A small poem.
"The smallest thing can
mean the most. A look, a touch,
a smile on your lips."

Something that makes me sad.
"She makes me so happy. Look at her over there, so cute & innocent. I don't deserve this, she can do better but I'm glad things are sort of working out. She cried again this morning, all I can do it hold her and reassure her but I need to be in her head space. She said she was wasting my time -- as if! Every moment I spend with her is cherished ... She was so happy last night. It made me happy to see. Hmm. Wow. What a girl. Hopefully her issues don't cause too many problems cos I can see myself with this girl for a while. I love the 'no labels' framework -- even though it's much the same as if we're 'going out', it just makes everything seem less complicate & way less scary. It's cool, we just hang out as though we're really good friends that make out & stuff. I love it, I feel so comfortable around her. She looks absolutely gorgeous from here."

x. It's sad that life gets in the way and you get more and more comfortable with someone that you don't do all the little things like cherishing someone and watching them. I miss this version of him.

"Work is getting to me; working so many short shifts all the time means its a constant part of my life, not just something I do a couple of days a week. It's the opposite with Anna, the precious time we spend together never seems to last ... I'm really having fun with Anna, it's cool how we just hang out and be stupid most of the time but we can still deal with the big issues when they come along. She's an amazing girl and I love the way she makes me feel. The only problem is, I think I sometimes bore her; she always wants to do 'things' and that's really great but I'd like for us to be able to sometimes relax and just do nothing, talk about whatever comes into our heads. We've been doing that a bit more of that recently especially when we're snuggling in bed, like after sex or whenever. Speaking of which, the sex is great, probably the best I've had, and she's said similar sorts of things, which makes me feel really good ... It's so strange. Neither of us were looking for this. She's not the girl I would've pictured myself with, and I'm probably not her 'ideal guy', but it seems to work so I guess just go with it."

x. I want to know what kind of girl he did picture himself with if it wasn't me. Truth be told I thought I'd be with someone who had stunning looks [in my eyes] and he did turn out to be someone I loved the look of. I love his walk and all of his old clothes. I love our history and that's why it's making me so sad. This version of us is hiding and might not ever resurface. I'm devastated about that.
x. This is all he wrote in his written journal.

Some stuff from his Live Journal. 17 April 2006
"Talking to Anna on msn cheered me up, as it always does ... we decided to go to the movie marathon that night. 'V For Vendetta', 'Final Destination 3', and 'Firewall' ... Anna gave me a call; her Mum couldn't give her a lift so I went and picked her up from her place. Jimmy was there which was good, we talked about soccer which was a good icebreaker. I met her Dad as well, which is good, I've got the Meet-The-Parents out of the way now. I made some lamearse joke about bringing her home alive, I don't think they caught the sarcasm, but oh well. We went and got pizza from La Bella, and heaps of munchyfood from the servo. gummi rings, jellybeans, a bag of chips, 4 redbulls, a fruitbox, a bag of M&MS and 2 packs of lifesavers. Then we came back to up to my place and got the green blanket. Anna got her bag searched when we went in, but she's a pro, and we only had to give them two cans of redbull. It was probably the most fun I've had at the movies, we were at eye-level, dead center, in the only double-seat. Everyone else was behind us as well, so it felt like we had the whole place to ourselves ... All in all it was a great evening, snuggling under the blanket and stuffing our faces with junk food. We slept in til 2pm today and then got chips & gravy for lunch. Not enough this time. Too much last time. We'll get it right next time."

x. I loved that night. It was the best fun. I miss us how we used to be so much. We used to have fun and talk to each other and take amazing trips to New Zealand and Vanuatu and camping trips. Going out for dinner was always fun. I called them dates. Oh God I miss us.

18 April 2006 Horoscopes
Aquarius seems an odd choice for the more introverted Scorpio. Aquarius needs a crowd to feel stimulated, and they're always looking around the room for the next interesting person to get to know. Scorpio, on the other hand, desires engaging, probing and very intimate time with their romantic mates. This pair may seem to have very little in common, but they both have such strong wills that, when focused on their relationship, can get them what they need and want ... Aquarius does not welcome possessiveness, either, preferring to belong to the world rather than one single person. But a stinging Scorpion can be fiercely possessive, and they require more attention than an Aquarian might be able to give. If Aquarius slows down and pays attention, they may find the devotion Scorpio provides to be a great support ... A gentle Scorpio lover, careful not to tether an Aquarius in too tightly, can teach their mate about a life based on emotional intuition, one that quiets the intellect sometimes in favor of physical sensation. Understanding Aquarians can teach their serious Scorpio mates to calm down, to detach themselves from uncontrollable situations and to reevaluate their goals if they get off course."

20 April 2006
"Talked to Anna on the phone for ages, can't remember what we talked about but it was good. things are so good between us now, so comfortable. we've had some weird patches. not so much rough but just like a slight clash of character. dunno. anyway. glad things are working out. really glad."

16 May 2006
"meeting anna at one at eden. can't wait, i'm gonna maul that girl."

x. I miss our Eden. We went there for a picnic once and it was lovely. I miss us going out for small adventures like that. Doing fun stuff together was really important to me, as well as just hanging out at home talking. I really hope that one day we can be like this again, if we're meant to be.

29 May 2006 After his trip to Melbourne
"hardly slept at all while we were over there, and i had a 7am start the day after we got back so i didn't get to have a proper sleep until two or three days later and i slept for 14 hours. it felt good but it wasn't enough i guess cos on friday at 5am i woke up feeling really ill and went to the bathroom only to spew my guts into the sink. nice one. took a bucket back to bed and spent the whole day there, sleeping fitfully or spewing. i had the weirdest feverdreams, i'm reading 1984 at the moment and for some reason when i was asleep everything was ingsoc and the thought police were trying to catch me while i contacted the underground freedom movement and the pains in my gut from the flu were some weird biochemical test on me. it was weird weird weird, cos it lasted the whole day. anna was there the whole time i was in bed, bringing me whatever i needed, just smiling and watching and making me feel safe. she stayed here six out seven night nights last week. full on. been spending so much time together. the littlest things she does make me smile, the way her body moves, her handwriting, her little dimples and pixie ears and cute little nose. mmmm. good feelings. it was good to have a day alone today though, i needed a bit of time out to relax and think. i spent a good couple of hours sitting on the balcony, watching the world and letting the thoughts tick over. apples got all psychologist on me today and made me think about my future, where i want to go, what i want to do. i found it hard to explain it to him, and i think he got the impression that i haven't thought about it, or that i'm really struggling to find direction or something. it was more that i've got a feeling, an emotion, a colour, a thought, a hope, a path for where i want my life to lead but i don't really have any material goals or objectives of how to get there; this made it really hard to convey with words and i couldn't answer him very well. i had a good think about it and i want happiness. comfort. security. adventure. excitement. love. friendship. but i also want the opposite of all of them. melancholy. distress. danger. monotony. boredom. hate. loneliness. without feeling the extreme polar opposite of something you can never truly appreciate it. i want to experience, and play, and learn. i want the good times and the bad times. i want to own my home and make money and have a family and children and grow old disgracefully and laugh and cry and grow wise while becoming senile and make my grandchildren laugh when i pull a stupid face at them and all sorts of good stuff that's associated with this warm and happy, hopeful yet vague feeling i get when i think of the future. i don't know exactly where the path ahead of me leads but i know i'm going to have the most amazing time following it, and i'll take the time to stop once in a while and have a look at the scenery, and think about how far i've come and where i'm yet to go. there's lots more to say yet but this will do for now."

x. That's the last that he wrote. Will we ever get back to that? I thought that moving out would be good so when we do come together it'll be out of the house and we'll be doing fun stuff together. Lately we've been just like housemates and not like a couple so doing things would fix that in my mind. Will he call me in the first week we're out of this house? If he doesn't then I'm going to have to approach him and tell him the first few lines of this entry and hope that he's honest with me. He might just need time to be himself and maybe one day we'll end up getting married and having children and a home to share. I would really like that but I'll just have to wait and see.

x. He said he was staying together with me for himself as well as me according to Sophie but I haven't seen much effort on his part lately. He's not here with me anymore. He's staying out all the time and I don't like the way he's making me feel. It's not fair. He knows it and knows I deserve better but he's not trying. Who is this guy? He's not the guy I loved. Will he ever come back?

I want to feel alive

When I move into my own place, I want to make it the cutest place ever with lots of quirky stuff around the place. I want it to be neat and tidy and I want to get into good habits. I'll be able to control everything there. I think control is important to me, and having things go like I want them to.

I want to live near the beach. I want to run on the beach every day. I want to get fit. I want to get into fitness routines and I want to get thin so I feel good about my body and not ashamed when I'm naked. I want to feel pretty again. I want to feel worthy of love. I want to start living my life.

I want to go traveling. I want to start in the UK and travel around Europe and I also want to live in New Zealand for a while. It's a shame that that was my dream with Yorick but I love New Zealand and I will do it with or without him. I'm just worried about being at Uni for the next 1.5 years because I want to do things now! If I'm not going to be with Yorick then I know I'll want to get out there and have adventures straight away but Uni is stopping me. Arrr. If things don't work out with Uni then I might move somewhere else and study somewhere else.

I want to feel alive.

Upcoming decisions

He's not the guy I fell in love with anymore. That's the saddest part about it. He stopped caring long ago about when I cried and I guess this isn't the kind of love I imagined for myself. I want intoxicating love with someone who will sit on the couch with me and snuggle with me, someone who will leave me presents and give me flowers, someone who I am really passionate about and want to have sex with all the time, I want someone who is ready to settle down with me and plan for a family. I want to have babies when I'm 27/28 at the latest but things never go the way you plan. At the moment, I know this isn't the type of relationship I want and I'm not happy with the situation. If he turns around and is better towards me and actually wants me then I'll stay, but if he doesn't call me once we've moved out and plan to hang out with me then I will just have to let it all go. If that happens I guess I'll just ignore him until he comes to me. Either way I'll know whether or not it's going to work out for us.

Photography hobby

Image from weheartit

I want to take photographs like this. I need a theme and I think at this stage in my life it's the perfect focus because that's all I want. I will take many, many photographs and they will be beautiful.

I want this

All images from wehearit

Where did we go?

In a way it's already over. We've never done this kind of move before, moving into separate houses. When we first begun talking about this and were okay, we acted like a couple with less hugging and kissing than usual but now it's different. Not it seems like we've already broken up and I can't see him wanting to keep us going once we have our new living arrangements. I read this kind of journal he wrote in our first year and he wrote how he loved the way I made him feel and that ours was the best sex he had. I started to cry when I read that. I don't like the way we are. We're not talking about anything other than the house or minor things and it's him that's keeping us like this. He's been pulling away for days now, maybe even a week. I don't like it. I just want us to be happy and in love like we used to be. I'm not sure what's what anymore. I don't think he wants me anymore. I keep thinking of the amazing times we had in New Zealand and Vanuatu and I just want that us back. I don't know if we'll ever get back there though. Once we're moved out I need to ask him if he's ever cheated on me. Sara at work suggested something big might have happened to spark this realisation of his and that might be it. That might be why he's keeping his distance although I truly have no idea why he's doing what he's doing. I don't know what's happening anymore and I suspect I'll be single sometime in the next 2 weeks. Joy.

Time for a new phone?

I want the Motorola Dext phone. It's so pretty and it has a full QWERTY keyboard. My Hiptop3 is starting to not work as well as it used to so I want to find out how I can get this new phone on a plan, if I can here in Tasmania. I sure hope I can as it's a pretty one and I love that it's always on Facebook.

Whatevs

I'm not happy with the mark I got in my 301 group proposal assignment. I totally hate that course. It makes me want to chuck the towel in and quit. Arr.

I am sick of being sick.

I'm going to watch Lost and get back to this later. Gah.

May already?

Monday, Monday. I'm sick at the moment and I think it's a result of my outing on Thursday with Emma. Totally worth it. I wonder when I'll get better though. I'm not sick that often so I don't mind it really but sometimes I feel awkward sniffing in front of others.

Work was good over the weekend. I enjoy talking to Dom, a new worker there, and I'm glad we're both taken because sometimes it seems like we're flirting. I know I'm not, although it might seem like I am, but it's nice to know we're protected by having a partner. When boys have liked me in the past and haven't had girlfriends, I've felt so strange about it and didn't want to be near them anymore. It hasn't happened much but I like talking to Dom. I think our relationship has the potential to become a friendship. My first male friend! I need one of those. I look forward to my shifts with him. Sometimes I find myself trying to separate the friendship from a bond that has a sexual emphasis. I try to think how I'd act and what I'd say to a new female friend and go from there. I've never had my own male friend before so it's a bit confusing at times, that's why I confuse it with flirting when I don't think it is.

Stuff with Yorick isn't changing. We're not hugging or kissing so I'm eager to find out how things will be once we're separated house-wise. I'm also getting excited about getting a tattoo with Emma and Holly soon. Holly said she usually goes to someone in Melbourne so that might be a little holiday we can all take, unless there is someone here that can do a good job. Mine won't be very big but I wouldn't want it to be stuffed up.

The house is slowly reducing in its contents. On Wednesday we'll have a big moving out session and hopefully all our things will be gone by the weekend so we can clean then. Something to look forward to I suppose!

I have to go and finish an assignment then head to Zum for my regular hot chocolate and apple and cinnamon muffin before driving up to Launceston so I might get off the computer, then come and watch some more Lost before heading out.